I'd hug everyone of you if I could. Thank you.

Uhhhhh, could I get away with a "high five"?

I'm not really a "huggy" kind of guy!

Or........

GJM, though your WW seems to not be in contact with her OM, they might still be laying low. Even if OM is trying to save his marriage. Wayward world views are very askew. We can't even guess the understanding WW and OM have about their relationship.
Your Plan A is really good from my view.
The feeling awful comes with the betrayed territory.
It comes less and less over time.....whether you learn to ride plan A or go to plan B.


You do feel lonely even when the kids are there because you are not getting your ENs met by anyone. The kids don't meet them.....though they are precious to you.

Time just needs to go by for you to see how things unfold and you will get stronger as it goes however it winds up.

Thank you!

Thanks! I'll keep you in mind for sure.

Thank you MB!

Lol

You're always keeping it real...thank you

GJM, retired Army first sergeant here. I see you have had the same issues I did.

I'm a little late to the "party" but it looks like you have been in good hands!

Yes, I am having those same issues. Thank you for posting. I know it took you years before you were able to save your marriage. Some times I feel like I can do the same and other times I feel like it's no use. I'll have days where I'm feeling strong and confident and days where I feel like there is no hope. I Plan A like no other. I am always nice and don't argue or LB. I've only been at it for 4 months, but it seems like an eternity. WW and I spend a lot of time together with the kids. Mostly dinners, but I try to make the most out of every opportunity. I use my private time to grieve and make sure I don't talk to her when I'm feeling low. At this point, I'm not sure what I should do next. She tells me she thinks about coming back all the time, but it wouldn't be for me. I guess she's still stuck in the fog.

Not sure what your MOS is, but let me use some military terminology to help you.

Plan A is prepping the battlefield. It is artillery that softens up the target for your inevitable attack.

And what is the "attack?" Plan B!!! I will tell you, I hate Plan A. Hated it. It seemed fake to me. Why should I treat this person this way when they are actively trying to destroy me? But, if you want a successful Plan B...you MUST have a successful Plan A!

Now, what is a successful Plan B? I think some of your issue is that you arent looking at the longterm goal! I am sure you have heard of third tier planning, in the Corps. Basically, for those that havent...it means everything you do should be vetted. You should look at an action and say "okay, if I do this...what will happen? And if, for an example, three possible things will happen because of my initial action, what would be my response to those three things? And lastly, what will be the results of my responses to those." Third tier planning.

You see, if you can walk it out that far...then the choice in front of you becomes easier. Because the right answer will almost always jump right out at you!

This stuff is simple...it is not easy! Someone told me that early on...that I was soon to find out the difference between simple and easy.

So, you have to look at your wife as being prepped now. And look at the downline on what possibilities will happen.

Look, can you be a success and NOT save your marriage? ABSOLUTELY!! GJM, my marriage could have ended before...it could end tomorrow, and I would still be a success. How? Let me list a few ways...

1. I can look God straight in the face and say that I did everything I could. That the success or failure at that point no longer rested on me...but on my wife.

2. I could look my kids in the eye and they would know their old man either saved their family...or did everything in his power to do so. And that in the end, the marriage ending was placed squarely on my wife's shoulders.

3. I am not perfect. Which means that even though I know all of this stuff, there are times I am not being the "perfect" husband. I am not meeting needs the way they should. But the process taught me how to recognize how I am not living up to my part...and what to do to correct it.

You see, I was an inspector general for four years in the Army. Our motto is "Droit et Avant..." which means "Right, then forward."

The thing I always say now is that you MUST do right...and when you dont do right, then you must do right! What does that mean? It means that we should always be checking our azimuth. Making sure we are on the straight and narrow. And if we find ourself off course, we make the correction and get back on course.

So, to sum up...you need to continue planning. Be prepared for the worst, as you plan for the best!

I am not sure your whole situation right now, so I may say things that are not relevant...but one thing that is a key part of this is for you to get custody of your children. Right now, you are the ONLY responsible parent they have. That means, you must SERIOUSLY consider leaving the Marines. I know, I miss it everyday! I was up for sergeant major. And one of the most painful things I had to go through was to walk into the division commander's office...who had just informed me that I would get my first command sergeant major position...and I had to tell him that I was retiring. I had spent 21 years to get to the top...and now I was walking away from it.

So, let me know your current situation with the Corps. Remember the biggest reason I tell you to do this is that your marriage will be over if you dont do something to be here...a lot! And second, you CANNOT leave those children in the fulltime hands of a wayward.

Anyway, that is my two cents for now. By the way, what is your rank?

I'm a Gunnery Sergeant with a two years and 4 months left before I hit my 20. I do plan on getting out of the service. This is my last stop so I don't have to worry about being transferred. Currently my wife and I have the kids from Friday-Friday every other week. I take them to school and she picks them up. My command has been very understanding and supportive. I document everything I do and see. I spend more time with the children than she does. When it's her week, I see them every day and call them every night. When it's my week, she seems them 4 or 5 days out of the week.

She moved out of the marital home in November. My son (11) wants to live with me and keeps asking to go to court. He will be 12 in a couple of weeks. The other two kids want equal time with both parents. The MSA is at base legal getting typed up so we can have it notarized and filed with the divorce papers. Ideally I would love to have full custody of the children, but here in CA it's a community property state. In the MSA she waived my retirement. If I left out anything, let me know.

Oh, my MOS is Communicaton-Electronics Technician. I have a satellite repair section that I'm in charge of.

Okay Gunny...sounds like you are in a good place. Yes, CA is not a great place for saving marriages or doing the right thing. The laws are so screwed up there!!

You say you are documenting...that is good. Make sure you document EVERYTHING!

Next, ALWAYS be there for the kids. That means, if she isnt feeling it about having her time, you offer to take that time. First, that gives you more time with the kids (which is good!) and second, it gets the WW to continue to be without the family. And if she is savable, that will begin to eat at her. If she is too far gone, she will readily give you more and more time, as she wants nothing to do (or less to do) with her old life.

What is her status in Plan A and with the OM?

MM,
I'm not sure what her status in Plan A is. She says she thinks about coming home, but not for me. The OM has been transfered to another base while they do the investigation of misconduct. The OM and OMW are still together. We were working together to keep WW and OM apart, but then she realized what she was losing and turned on me. She said I bugged her phone and computer some how. I've never even seen her before. Whatever the OM did to gaslight his wife, she bought it.

My W has been communicating with other men through email since then. I fear that I will never recover the marriage while all of this is taking place. My Christian friends have told me to stop looking for stuff and let God do his work. I'm almost to the point where I want to let go. Since June of '09, this is her second affair and if you add the two other POSOM, it makes 4 possible. So I'm not sure what I really should do. My heart wants me to keep my family together, but it seems I'm the only one that wants that.

Well, then gunny...we are more similar than I thought.

There were multiple POSOMs with my wife. Over many years. My situation went a long time further than even Dr. Harley advises. But, early on, I decided that I was "all in." Which meant that I would do this, no matter what she said or did.

Since you are a Christian, then you know that as long as you take care of your end of it, Jesus will take care of His. So, when you think nothing is happening...and dont have any intel...you have to trust His promises. And He is after your wife.

Remember, if you are in the right, then Jesus is saying "well done, faithful servant." In your wife's case, well...I wouldnt want to be in her position. Becuase Jesus will do WHATEVER it takes to get her attention.

That should be your prayer...WHATEVER IT TAKES!

GJM I am thanking the angels, because I truly believe in hope and faith.

God bless. TOUGH

What do you suggest?

Me too....

Again, do the right thing! Always.

Your military training will help you with this...as you will be able to rise above the pain and do what is needed when it is needed. Parris Island at this point will be a blessing for you, as was Fort Benning for me.

Map out your plan. Basically, do an OPORD (Operations Order for those non-military types). I actually took an OPORD template and used it to write out my battle plan. It helped me gain clarity, and to see where I needed to focus my efforts.

And in the plan, you are not only looking at what you do to and for your wife. You also map out how you take care of you. Rest plans. Feedng. Doctos visits. Everything.

I can help you with that. But need to know where you are at now.

I'm in my fourth month of Plan A. She moved out in November. I filed for divorce on October 21st and served her on November 20th. I don't know why I filed. I went into the offensive right away trying to protect me and the kids. At first she wanted to use it as a separation and said we could always reconcile before the 6 months is up. My instincts told me that she was lying all along and not to trust her. I've always had a good read on people and so far I've been right any time it comes to her.

So basically I'm still in Plan A with no expectations of her coming back. At times I get fed up with things and think I want Plan B, but I keep going anyway. We have 4 months before the divorce is final and I still let her know that she is welcome back any time she is willing to commit to a recovery program to rebuild our marriage.

At this moment I feel hurt and lonely. I still cry at times and wonder why I'm wasting my time with a person that has drug me through the mud. Then I look at my children and all of the years we have been together. Not to mention the vows we made before God. I pray every day that she has a softened heart, she has inner peace, she seeks God, she gets over her anger and bitterness, a positive Christian woman will come into her life, any man that makes contact with her finds their own wife, etc....

I also pray to make the necessary changes in myself in order to be who I'm supposed to be. I pray for strength and forgiveness. My prayers are very long. Everyone is amazed in how well I've handled my composure. I try to be the example and always do what's right. I hope I didn't draw that out.