Coffee turned into lunch. I'll call it a success because there was no relationship talk. I guess things will resume as normal (the new norm).

What do you mean?

Details....

Just carrying on with the mission. I guess I had the idea she wanted to discuss some things, but I guess she just wanted to have lunch with me. I don't know what to make of it so I'll just assume things are the same.

I know how hard this is to follow but Plan A with NO EXPECTATIONS.

I understand to Plan A, but do I just wait until she says she wants to come home or do I at some point let her know that we'll be here if she ever wants to come back. She already knows this though.

Sooooo...y'all sat there ignoring the elephant in the room?

This likely pleased her, as it's one step more toward the cake-eating status quo that waywards like.

Just be frank and ask what the deal is. Is she on board with getting this ship turned around or should you continue with the divorce proceedings. And then wait for a response.

He should continue with the proceedings at this point.

If she is thinking, sometimes, of coming back to the marriage.....it is not a very strong desire at this juncture. GJM doesn't need to ask what the deal is....he knows what it is. She isn't serious or serious more than briefly here and there at this point.

I agree that cool, cordial, and pleasant is the way to go - at all times displaying the best GJM that can be mustered, with no allusions to the situation, or the future.

But next time she picks up the check...
(Sigh)

I was thinking the same thing. I didn't feel that it would be appropriate to bring our marriage back up. She knows how I feel. I think it would have put too much pressure on the situation causing her to push away. I'm trying to stay cool and not look desperate. That's where the stick and carrot would come in.

No, I wasn't suggesting that he call off the divorce as I don't think she's serious, either.

The question (what's the deal) would, in my mind, have been rhetorical and more of an effort to get her to voice a decision, once and for all. To call her out or just to stop the mind games that waywards like to play.

GJM- I don't think you were, but I wouldn't want your wife to think that you avoided the topic out of fear that she'd, suddenly, backtrack on her earlier statement about reconciling.

Northwoods, I am not tracking this. Forgive me.

His lunch was a good thing. The fact that she even wanted to have lunch was a good thing...it means she desired his company. For whatever reason. And it allowed him to Plan A!! So, coming in with questions, demands, etc...well, since she isnt around much...that would only hurt his Plan A.

I am not saying he should kiss her hindparts. If she had brought up the marriage, affair, etc...he should easily and calmly broach what the deal is and address it.

But I think this was perfect. She left there after a good encounter with him. Love units were deposited. She has seen just a sample of what life can and would be like.

Now, if he was in Plan B...and she wanted to talk...then the meeting would happen...well, most likely first, as series of messages through an intermediary, asking her intentions. And pointing her again to the Plan B letter conditions. If she agreed...THEN he could have a meeting in person to discuss that and to accept her "surrender." Of course, that wouldnt be a fun meeting or trying to deposit love units. It would be sitting at a table, accepting her surrender.

But that is Plan B. In Plan A...he has to take this opportunity to deposit love units...and for her to walk away missing her life.

So far, I believe this Marine is right on message.

Charlie Mike, GJM.

Thanks MM,

That's exactly what I was doing. I won't be seeing WW or kids this weekend. They're going out of town. It kind of bums me out, but I'll use that time to go visit family and give her space for a couple of days. Hopefully she will miss me and have a lot to talk about.

Actually, this will be good for BOTH of you. More time with the kids for her (in order for her to miss the family).

And this is the time for you to institute a rest plan! As a Marine, you understand what I am saying here. Take this opportunity to shut down, rest, workout, feed yourself, relax.

This war is a war of attrition. And it will sap you. Nothing you did in the marine Corps will come close to what this will do to your insides, your strength, your resolve. Only maybe being a POW would come close.

One more note: make sure you call those kids EVERY night. It does a couple of things. First, you and the kids remain in contact. You both need that. Second, in documenting everything, you can show how you remained EVERYDAY in the kids lives...where she would go for stretches of days without contacting the kids. Third, your wife will see you being dad to her kids. Dont underestimate that! I have heard from the ladies that deep down...a man that does right by her kids holds a special place in their heart.

Steve Harley told me once that the biggest advantage for me was the kids. It is what ties us together. And for the reasons I just said.

So, rest now. Do some things you havent had time to do (change the brakes on the car, get that haircut, etc).

When she has my kids, I call them and text them multiple times throughout the day and evening. She says she doesn't do that because she wants me to enjoy my time with them without interuption from her. I said I don't mind her calling or visiting. We're a family, that's what we do. She said I could do what I want, but she's not me. I document everything of course.

This is good. Again, when/if you have to go to court, make sure you document EVERY interaction between you and her, you and the kids...and her and the kids.

The court wont care that she wants to give you time. That is BS. All they care about is who is involved in the kids' lives. Your documentation will show that you are the more fit parent.

Ok, that makes sense and I remember struggling with that when I was dealing with this last year. I keep forgetting he's in Plan A so carry on gentlemen and, GJM, I hope you start seeing some positive actions from your wife.

Thank you. Me too. I keep going over and over in my head what I am going to say or do. I want to recover my marriage and then I picture what would happen if I got what I wanted. Would I live in fear? Would she put the effort in that I need? So many questions. But first I have to get her to come back.

Yeah, it is hard to think of things to talk about other than what you really want to talk about.

I remember jotting down notes during the worst of it...if I saw something interesting that I could talk about I'd write it down as something that we could talk about. [EDIT: Wow, that last sentence was quite the word salad, but, hopefully, you got the meaning]

Planning spontaneity is a real chore. I found it easier to avoid those long silences by engaging in things that required or offered a distraction if needed...a board game, an event, going to a store, just anything other than staring at each other across a restaurant table.

The coffee breaks could be at a place with seating that allowed people watching...anything to break the silence and offer opportunities for commentary on other subjects.

The silence sucks. I always think to myself that I can't talk about me or the kids all the time. I don't want her thinking that we've lost anything to talk about. It's always so awkward and I can never think of the right words to say. Inside I'm screaming to LB, but I know I can't.

Ideally, it'd be just the two of you but, if it's just too "off" and you're getting frustrated with one-word responses, then involve the kids and make it a family activity. In the meantime, just try to find things for the two of you to do that don't involve sitting for long periods of time. That should rule out most opportunities for awkward silences.

I distinctly remember my anniversary dinner in December 2010. It was so bad even the crickets quit chirping and nodded off. I would have seriously rather gone to the dentist that day instead. I realized, then, that dinners with us staring at each other and messing with the crackers on the table weren't going to cut it.

It gets better, believe it or not.