#1 Confess this to your husband so he can hold you accountable

#2 Read SAA

#3 Implement extraordinary precautions


Not too bad, right?
A simple list of 3.

First steps, you must save your marriage from your own bad habits.

SAA?

SAA is Surviving an Affair, the book by Dr. Harley.

When you contact Joyce and Dr. Harley about talking to him, they will send you that book free just for being on the show.

The only help I typically offer to posters in an affairage is to link this post by Dr Harley on the subject:

HERE

In case you don't read it, you should at least read this part:

I have quite a few people in my life that I consider special. And they would leave a much greater impact than a couple of pictures if they passed. Such a jaded comment. Is there nothing special about your husband?

Yes, you need to tell your husband that you have crossed the line with this man.

*edit*

Contact Dr. Harley. He's going to say much of what you've seen here, and he's going to TRY to help you. Even he says it's difficult to work with spouses who are in an affairage, so you're going to have to bend over backwards to do the work if you have any hope of making your marriage work.

Yeah, back when I was 12. I've learned to control my emotions and not allow my emotions to drive my life.

It's done by setting up personal boundaries that don't permit things to sneak up with little warning.

Folks are going to tell you, in far more polite and some not as polite terms as I've used here to grow up and take control of your circumstance.

You are not a victim of circumstance, with external events controlling you. You can take charge of how you feel and what you do. You may find that by doing that, not only do things such as crushes not sneak up on you, but you actually begin to do the work needed to have a good marriage.

If you want your husband to look into your eyes and talk to you, then look into his eyes and talk to him. You don't need to wait for him to do this. You can go do that right now.
What you are saying is you know this is irrational, but you either don't care, or don't feel you can control yourself, is that it?

Really? Have you told your husband about your crush? Have you invited him here so he knows how to deal with your inability or unwillingness to put into place the boundaries needed to be a safe wife for him?

I absolutely know there are special things about me. My life has made a difference to others, in many ways.
I am certain I would not be special because some random dude paid me some attention so he might have a chance of getting into my knickers.
But, this thread is not about me.
It's about you.

What makes your life special?

If she's never had a private conversation with this man, are you sure this is a good idea? He may be completely oblivious to the fact that she finds him attractive. A letter could alert him to the situation, and if he thinks she's hot, he could act on it....because now he knows for sure how she feels.

Yes, she needs to go no contact and block him on facebook and change whatever circles she's in so that she never sees him again. But I wonder if a letter would do more harm than good.

Not yet, this is why I am here, to figure out what is best to do. Sometimes I think it is better to keep my "feelings" to myself, that it is actually pretty selfish to make your mate listen to every bit of detritus that floats through your head, especially when there are "real" problems at work and in life.

It seems ridiculous then to burden him with the idea of some guy who I have spoken to four times in my life, as if he were a matter of real importance. But I have not had any luck ridding myself of it just on my own, and begin to doubt that I can.

The idea of Radical Honesty intrigues me a lot; you know most married people are not radically honest with one another, and they have secrets kept from each other for decades.

That is the traditional way to stay married, to hold your tongue, to preserve the peace, to ENDURE for the sake of obligation or religion.

and that is exactly the kind of "traditional" marriage I do not really want. All those old couples, everyone thinks it's so cute they've been married for fifty years, but they grunt orders at each other in lieu of talking. It's dreadful.

I want to love my husband again the way I did nine years ago. Enough to do crazy things for!

So, that Dr. Harley offers an approach other than just raw endurance is very interesting to me. I can see how radical-honesty is part of the risk one has to take to have a real, passionate relationship, not just a superficial socially-approved one.

And that is why I ask about it.

Most marriages suck, too.

It IS a matter of real importance, Shmoopy. You have a crush on him. He has beat out your husband in your Love Bank (have you read the Basic Concepts?). Your husband needs to know when that happens.

I repeat my statement that you will not succeed if you look for reasons to not do what needs to be done here.

Shmoopy, I asked once if you've read the Basic Concepts. Have you? You are in a serious situation with the odds stacked against you, and you need serious expert-level understanding of the tools here to fix your marriage.

When will you be contacting Dr. Harley?

And I will QFT.

You are also treading on very thin ice by being in affairage. A lot of people here are not going to have very much patience with you to begin with -- if you don't start taking action and responding to questions and SHOWING you're actually doing something, you're going to start losing people who are willing to give you any of their time. Fast.

This is not a blogging site. It's a marriage building site.

So what are you going to do?
When are you going to tell your husband?
When are you going to call Dr. Harley?
What EPs are you going to put in place?
Have you blocked facebook?
Have you read the Basic Concepts?
What are you doing?

Yes, a letter seems way over the top, but what do I know? I first met him a year ago, barely noticed him-- he's ok looking but not exceptional. Then my husband invited him over a few times this summer for parties, we'd chat in a friendly way, and I've seen him a few times since then, always at other people's houses or such.

If he knows I have any attraction for him, he's a good guesser. We have zero email or phone contact, we don't run into each other except at occasional social functions. Which is another reason I've been hesitant to bring it up, having ZERO contact will mean my husband will either have to find new friends or explain to the current ones why Schmuck is no longer on the guest list. Given that H is just now fixing to go on antidepressants for a longstanding depression, it seemed extra-crappy to pile on with "hey, I'm totally infatuated with Schmuck! Yeah, that one!"

We're moving this spring, which should rid me of having to worry about this particular dude ever again.

So, in the meantime it seemed really excessive to rock the boat, over, basically, nothing. and I really thought I could just have a minor crush without letting it turn into some kind of hopeless mental tic.

This is clearly not the case, however! and given my track-record, well...

So what are you going to do?

I think this would be a good question to put to Dr. Harley.

Well, my husband is at work, so a conversation with him will have to wait at least till he gets home, yeah?

I have indeed read the Basic Concepts.

I don't know how to block FB itself, but have hidden updates from Schmuck.

Still undecided about calling-- but thinking about it. His points about marriages-post-affair are interesting but neither of us has kids from previous relationships, which I think is the origin of a lot of the conflict in "affairages." Of course when push comes to shove people pick their natural kids above their steps or their spouses. Part of the reason I want this marriage to last, to thrive.

As to people being upset about the origins of my marriage, that's ok. Approval's not really what I'm after here.

Well, natural kids are a general problem of subsequent marriages in general. Stepfamilies have a lot going against them, especially if there are stepchildren. But marriages that began as an affair have even more going against them. Typically at least one or both of them is unwilling to do what it will take to have a marriage that lasts and thrives.

That's why I think you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your children, to try to stack the odds in your favor with the best professional help available, particularly since it's free.

Again, I ask, are you willing to do whatever it takes?
You're gonna need Dr. Harley.

Think again.
You're not crushing on some guy because of conflict over kids from a previous relationship.

You need to block Schmuck, not just hide his updates. To do that, go to his facebook page and scroll down. On the left, below his list of friends it says "report/block". If you click on that, you will get a new window with a list of options. You can block him without him ever knowing. He will not be able to find you and you cannot access his page. If he posts on a mutual friend's page, you will not see it. It's like he doesn't exist any longer.