I am new to MB, but not new to gaming addiction. My H is addicted to gaming. He started playing in 1998. We have had several big blow ups. He would stop for awhile, then find some excuse to go back. One thing he must do is admit it is an addiction. Just like any other. I found websites listing symptoms of gaming addiction and emailed them to him. Finally, he admitted that it was an addiction. But, he didn't stop immediately. But, it changed how we talked about it. "Gaming"
sounds fun, "Addiction" not so much fun. I was honest with him about how much I hated his addiction, hated seeing the back of his head, him ignoring all of us. Tell him how you feel about the addiction. I had many people tell me, "What's the big deal? He's not cheating on you, he's not at a bar somewhere." Really? Neglect, is neglect. I told him, I felt like he substituted me for an appliance. It got his attention when I told him I was going to substitute him for an appliance (if you get my drift).

My point in telling you this is....he must realize himself that he is an addict. He needs to know exactly how you feel about his addiction. If he still thinks it's "just like watching TV or reading" he is wrong. You must get radically honest about it.

Now for some hope. My H stopped gaming. He also told our children that they cannot game. Only educational ones are allowed. He apologized to me and the kids for years of neglect. We found MB, eliminated LB's and are spending close to 20 hours together. Don't give up!!!

I would very pleasantly pick up the computer and drop it out of the upstairs window. His computer is about like an alcoholic keeping booze in the house. his computer is destructive to your marriage and I would get rid of it. That crosses a boundary of YOURS, TheQ, that should not be crossed.

Isn't the Q from star trek? No one messed with the Q. :P

Edit to add: sorry had to lighten things up a bit :P

I wanted to do that. Take a baseball bat to it actually. And I told him, that if he didn't stop that would be the consequence. I was afraid of his reaction (violence, separation) if he came home and the computer was gone. I couldn't risk my kids seeing that. I chose a different route. Flat out...I was afraid.

I would add that he does not have to admit it is an addiction in order for her to enforce her boundaries. And having the computer in her home should be a boundary that should not be crossed.

Most addicts do not sober up until they are separated from their addiction FIRST and they do not admit their addiction until they are sober. For example, most alcoholics don't show up at AA because they magically realized the error of their ways and skipped to my lou to an AA meeting! Oh no!! They are FORCED there by the courts, police, employers and spouses. Many will go to JAIL if they don't stop their addiction and have to submit to drug testing.

In other words, most addicts don't wake up and magically realize the error of their ways. It takes a caring person hold a gun to their head and put a stop to it. In the case of an alcoholic or a computer junkie, I would not allow either of those substances to destroy my home life and would remove them.

Keep in mind that Dr Harley states that in the case of an affair addiction that polite requests do not work. It is because the addiction has the person fogged out, which is the condition that applies to gaming addictions:

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:


In this case we could reasonably say "While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate him from his computer addiction."

I have been sober for 27 years this April and I did not admit I was an alcoholic until I had been sober for about 3-4 months. Why was I sober? My H told me to stop drinking or get out THAT DAY.

I will be forever grateful for that motivator because it changed my life.

I've thrown phones in the toilet. I threatened another woman's husband with throwing his phone off the pier if it rang again while he was a guest at our table. Shut it off or pay and go away.

Boundaries are a good thing. Throwing out things instead of people are, imho, good boundary markers.

I started off with polite requests. Was ignored. Started making demands five years ago. Was ignored.

The thing about gaming addiction though, there's really only one person that can hold them accountable, the spouse. It's not illegal, it usually doesn't effect their job. Most people don't see it as morally wrong. It takes some convincing.

Of course, it violated my boundaries. But they can justify having a computer. "I'm a grown man, this is my house too, it's not illegal, it's not immoral. What's the problem?" I had to convince him, that it was immoral (gluttonous) and it felt like he had an "affair" (adultery).

I'm not saying that she shouldn't take the direct approach ie throw out the computer. I'm just saying be prepared with your arguments, and be prepared for his reaction.

I think this is where spouses of addicts get mired down and miss the boat. They try to negotiate with the addict. That is like debating with a falling down drunk. The bottom line is that boundaries are not negotiable; not up for debate. They just ARE. And the spouse either respects them or they don't. If they don't the offended spouse needs to be prepared to defend those boundaries. Or she can't call them boundaries. An undefended boundary is not a boundary, it is just hot air.

A demand cannot be ignored if followed by swift and immediate consequences. Like Harley states, polite requests are not likely to work.

I started off with, "I don't want you to have a cell phone because it provides secrecy."

I progressed to "I don't want you to give out your number because it gives your customers access to our time."

I ended with "If you answer that phone I will smash your face in with this soup tureen."

(dramatized. I actually put it in the toilet while ringing.)

"I will not compete with a machine for your attention" is enough of an argument for a rational human being. Then smash or splash, it is gone.

Wow, I wish I had this support years ago. I was a pushover for too long. If I had told anyone that I was leaving H over his gaming addiction, they would have laughed in my face. Seriously. I was too nice about it, uh? Had I taken the direct approach, yes, he might have left me for a computer game (pathetic), but he might have stopped much sooner. Again, it would've been great to have been validated by you guys back then!

I apologize, didn't mean to hijack. Maybe Q will get something out of this exchange. Hang in there Q!

I wouldn't suggest the route that got me off the computer... but I will suggest the route that keeps me off; eliminate Love Busters, and meet emotional needs.

I would much rather spend time with my wife, especially since she has eliminated her AO/DJ/AH/IB behaviors, and is a pleasant companion.

T/J I'd ask if you were kidding, but I have a feeling you're not. Sheesh.

Now off T/J. I'm with the write a love letter and let him know exactly how you feel. If he truly has an addiction then the computer needs to get out of the house. Every time he sees it, it will trigger him. I don't think you have to smash it with a baseball bat. Destroying property is really a waste of money...specially with stuff like phones or computers that can be sold and bring in some cash. Or pack it up and donate it to someone that can use it that can't afford one.

Here's another question...

We use the computer for more than just games. it is our contact with the outside world and entertainment. If we want to watch a show or a movie we go to the computer. If we want to know what's going on in the world or the weather(which he needs to know for work) we go to the internet. we don't have cable or cell phones to access these things by.
If I cut him off from the computer then it also cuts him off from his other sources of information as well.

when we first moved into our place here 1 1/2yrs ago we didn't have a working computer so a friend of his lent us a lap top to borrow. he didn't play any of his typical games but he did find all these little useless time consuming games like shoot the bunny out of a cannon - one simple action repeated, no strategy involved. and he would say that it's not gaming so I shouldn't have a problem with it.

and is it fair to cut him off when I still use mine.... I mean without it I wouldn't be able to access help like this.

The other problem gaming presents for him is that it interferes with his control over his insomnia. which on occasion inhibits his ability to go to work.

What is more important? Information? Or your marriage?

I would make one PC available in a public place in your home. Like the living room or dinning room and use it ONLY for information and entertainment when you are BOTH in an enthusiastic agreement to use it. Anything other than an enthusiastic agreement regarding its use means it stays off. No more private time for him on the PC or PC useage without your consent. POJA would say that unless you can come to an enthusiastic agreement about a particular issue, the default is do nothing until you are BOTH enthusiastic. THis does not include "if you let me do this, i will let you do that later!" That would be sacrificing. Something that should not happen.

MNG

doesn't information prevent the stagnancy of marriage? when all has been said what do you have left to talk about? if there is nothing new to talk about all that seems to remain is awkward silence, and redundant stories that have been heard many time over. you can't share insights/opinions if there's nothing to share insights about. Isn't a part of marriage about being able to share information and ideas?

we had a good discussion last night about a book he read that led to some interesting things we had never talked about before and he was surprised to see that I actually can understand some of the physics/scientific concepts that are hard for some people to even conceive.

My only other thought would be to bring in the newspaper?

I don't know about that, MNG, as the addict is an insomniac who will likely still stay up and use that computer, alone, at night.

I'd like to hear more from those who know more about addiction...

This is a disrespectful judgement on his behalf. No one should tell you how you SHOULD feel about something. If it bothers you, it bothers you and that withdraws love from your love bank for him.

Does he want to remain married to you? If so, he will need to find ways to resolve things that revolve around enthusiasm between the two of you or you will continue down this negative path until you eventually divorce.

MNG

Not if she just went ahead and put a password on his PC on him so he cant use it without asking her to unlock it! ?