OK guys. I need your help. I�m really trying to be a good H, but my W has ZERO tolerance when I don�t behave exactly like she wants me to when I communicate with other people. Last night I was fixing her computer and she came in with a big smile and told me that she�d be upstairs �waiting� for me. That kinda excited me, but because I was in the middle of some computer fixes, I felt like I had to get to a good stopping point and write down where I was so I would remember the next day where I had left off. So I asked her if she could put away the food in the kitchen and I�d be right up. Well then I saw my mom calling on my cell phone. Yes, a red flag did go up. But I thought she was trying to get in touch with my wife to coordinate her coming to watch our kindergartener. It�s very common for her to call my cell phone since our home phone is messed up and my wife is often on her phone. And since my wife was in the room nearby, I went ahead and answered and put it on speaker so my wife could hear (just like y�all recommended). She had purchased a gift certificate for a massage for my brother, but he turned it down. My mom had previously talked to my wife and asked her if it would be OK for her to give it to me for my upcoming birthday. My wife said no thanks (earlier). Well, I was half listening to my mom and half fixing my wife�s computer when my wife came in the room and started jotting down notes on a paper things like �Wife first.� And �I was waiting for you.� So between the computer, my mom asking if it would be OK for her to give me the gift cert, and my wife putting sticky notes in front of me, my anxiety was OFF THE CHARTS. I simply said to my mom, �I�ll have to ask my wife first� and �I gotta go. Bye, Mom.� After I hung up, my W was extremely upset. In my opinion, she was AO-ing even though she doesn�t think she was. I had no idea why. It took awhile for her to say why because she thought I should know what I did wrong. Well, I didn�t. I thought I did exactly what I was supposed to. Apparently while on the phone, my mom essentially said: [W] said no, but, do you want this gift certificate? My wife says that I should have detected that my mom was going against my W�s wishes and I was supposed to go off on my mom and tell her, �Mom, my W already said no, why are you trying to go around her wishes?� So because I didn�t stand up for my wife in the exact way she wants me to, she�s upset. Is she justified? I said exactly what she told me to! I just didn�t tune in to my mom�s subversiveness and point it out to her. So W and I aren�t really talking right now. She�s frustrated that �her H doesn�t stick up for her� and I�m frustrated that she�s frustrated. I get that she wants me to �stick up� for her... And I want to! But I don�t always see other people and their actions in the same way my W does. She says that if I cared about her, I would easily see when other people don't have her best interest in mind. Is it right for her to expect me to always see the world through her eyes and respond accordingly?

Next time don't answer the phone when your wife is waiting for you upstairs. Just tell your wife you are sorry and you will try to do better next time.

Go tell her you are SORRY and it won't happen again!

When your wife tells you that you did something wrong, don't fight with her. She is giving you valuable information on how to improve your behavior for the next time. Tell her you are sorry and THANK HER for giving you valuable guidance for future behavior.

p.s. tell your wife that she needs to be more patient with you when you make a mistake. She should not engage in lovebusters and should explain how she would like it handled.

MelodyLane's giving you great advice. I've had all the same problems, and I can promise you that the path to a happy marriage involves going this route: learn to change for your wife!

Have you given Dr. Harley's radio show a listen? There is a wealth of information for you there, every day. If you are like me (and it sounds like we resemble each other a bit), you can use it!

By the way, it is easier for you to change your behavior than it is for your wife to change how she feels about your behavior. Much, much easier! Try to accept your wife's feelings without passing any judgment at all, and adjust accordingly.

In marriage, everything we do has an affect on our spouse, positive or negative. Everything.

Useful phrase: "You're right, Sweetheart; I should have checked with you, first."

Of course, you gotta be working on the habit of checking with her, first.

(And she is right. It really does bother her. She's right about that.)

It might be a good idea for you not to talk to your mother on the phone without
1. Your wife being enthusiastic and sitting right next to your side
2. Some way to communicate to each other while you're on the phone, so you know exactly how she feels throughout the entire call, and vice versa.

This is a problem that the two of you need to attack together. You are NOT EACH OTHERS ENEMY. Okay? Give each other some grace for the mistakes made, discuss how it could've been handled differently and learn from the mistakes. Don't beat each other up over it -- that'll get you nowhere.

Your wife had the right idea trying to communicate to you her complaints while you were on the phone. You were lovebusting her, and you needed to know. You don't need to be defensive about that.

She had no right to have an AO, though.

Your mother checked with your wife about giving you a massage GC, then went around her to try to give it to you anyway?

What's up with that?

Next time, let your calls go to voice mail and take your wife up on HER offer!

Same kind of crap my parents would've tried to pull a few years ago, I think.


No kidding! I can practically guarantee it would have been a lot more fun!

I agree. I think your wife's mother in law is causing her some of this stress. Since this is now instant anxiety for you also, let her leave a message. You can listen to it within minutes, so if it's about childcare you can address it right away. If it's about a gift certificate, it can wait.

optimism

Your mom was trying to undermine your wife. Why are you allowing that? And what are you going to do about it?