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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
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Bad bad week.
I have no idea how to handle this. I'd hate to get the law involved. Maybe if he does cause a scene I'll roll out to where he works and let staff know that he is a cuckold. WTF. So let me get this straight... You sleep with the guys wife behind his back, destroy his life, his wife's life, their kids and family's life and when he finds out and begins to do something you accuse him of being cuckolded? PL, what kind of man does that? What kind of person who claims to be changing thinks this way?
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495 |
I am sorry I even posted that. I was pretty upset. Very upset.  I should edit it out but I won't. I'm pretty angry. Problem is you are angry at the wrong people and things. You should be mad at yourself.
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
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Yes.
He is making your life very difficult.
Bet you didn't plan on that when you crossed the line with his wife.
You will learn that you can choose actions but not consequences.
Please stay on course the best you can to rebuilding your marriage and not going astray while facing these consequences.
It is tough, we see that.
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 274
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. . . I'll roll out to where he works and let staff know that he is a cuckold. After about 10 minutes of sitting here and writing responses to this, I've decided to settle on just this: Pray me down, CV.
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495 |
. . . I'll roll out to where he works and let staff know that he is a cuckold. After about 10 minutes of sitting here and writing responses to this, I've decided to settle on just this: Pray me down, CV. Well, I sat there like that too and edited and rewrote. Easy brother... Showing him the better way is what we are trying to do. This is the stuff that stings, because we know that possibly our W's OM's thought like this as well. Remember the goal. We want him recovered so that there aren't more BH's coming here looking for help in the future. CV
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
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I am sorry I even posted that. I was pretty upset. Very upset. ...
... I am just trying to think of why, this far after it was over, he is coming after me. ...
... I'm pretty angry. ...
... I wish I could talk to the guy and let him go off on me just once to get it out of his system.
Is there a particular reason why it should be "over" for him so soon?
He had a wife he thought he could trust. Now he's lost that. His loss isn't "over." So can you explain why you think his anger (and his fear) should be "over"?
If you've done some reading around this site about marital recovery, then you may have read that ability to trust takes a long time to come back -- like, 2 years, ballpark figure -- and it doesn't come back all the way, even in the best-case marital recoveries where the marriage post-affair ends up being better than it was pre-affair.
And we're not talking years after the fact here, are we? We're talking a few months, right?
Yeah, his loss ain't "over." The notion that it ought to be "over" by now is not something that has any particular basis in science, psychology, or reality. It's just a notion that you made up & have latched onto, because that's how you'd like it to be. That might work, if this were all about you. But as you know, it's not. That guy never did you any wrong before you walked in on his marriage. As you said, you hardly knew much about him; and what you did "know," you got through the not-likely-altogether-accurate lens of his wayward-minded wife. Yet you knew that he existed, and you decided to take what was his anyway, without giving much thought as to how he might feel about that as a human being. You may have justified it to yourself by saying "Well, we don't want him or my wife to be hurt, so we'll keep it a secret." You never bothered to think about, what if he found out anyway. Because if you had thought that through, then it would've interfered with the feel-good affirmations, the attention, the panty-dropping and all of it. Then you couldn't have enjoyed all of that, because your conscience wouldn't have let it happen. To make it work in your mind, you had to mentally erase him, wipe him out of the picture altogether -- as if he were of no more significance than a spot of old chewing gum on the bottom of your shoe.
[whispering:] That's one helluva a way to treat a perfect stranger, don'tcha think?
And you're gonna be angry at him for not being "over" it? I hope not. You've only got one guy to be angry with, and I think you know who that is.
I have a gym in my basement. (Nothing fancy, just a typical "Harry Homeowner" set-up of odds & ends that I've bought piece by piece.) One of the things I've had for years is a 60-lb. body bag (for boxing) hanging from one of the ceiling beams. In the first few weeks & months after the affair, I hit that thing so hard that, even with well-padded 16-ounce gloves on, I'd come upstairs soaked in sweat and with 8 bleeding knuckles. Week after week. At times, I walked around my house wanting to put my fist through walls, and the only reason I didn't was because I knew that if I hit a joist, I'd shatter my hand & forearm bones into bits. What made it worse was that I knew that the only person I really had standing to be angry with was myself. Sure, I was angry at the OW too, for the way she'd pursued me; but I knew deep-down that I'd been fully capable of stopping the whole thing right from the start, & yet I chose selfishly. And this fact that I really didn't have anyone else to blame made me all the angrier.
So I understand you being mad. It subsides with time. It'll subside faster if you do your full part to make your marriage as good as it can be. Your job right now is to channel that anger & that mental energy into things that improve your relationship with your wife, so that both your emotional needs are expressed, identified and met.
P.S. -- And guess what? My wife worked out on that bag, too. She never had before, and I'm not sure she ever has since. She was pretty damned angry, too.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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