My thoughts as well.

TOS

Princessmeggy...in one condescending post you've managed to question my integrity, threaten me with potential expulsion and mischacterize my posts. But for purposes of clarity, my point was always temperance before a person outside the marriage exposed...to anyone. That was it. Solely. Completely. Totally. If urging caution was harmful please explain to me how. However, If my pushing back when my words are taken out of context is antagonistic or argumentative, well.......

I wouldn't consider it 'vitriol' so much as a drive to keep these threads real. Of course this is the MB website. Of course we are here to guide posters, using MB concepts.

We are advising this poster to disclose his knowledge of the affair based on a few things: our understanding that affairs can only survive when the wayward begins a secret second life that does not include his spouse. This is the hallmark of dishonesty and is critical for the affair to be able to continue.

This poster has compelling knowledge of the affair. Based on my story alone, I am advising this poster to reveal this affair to the unsuspecting spouse. I would consider it a kindness. Covering up this knowledge and looking the other way isn't consistent with honesty.

Dr. Harley:


I can't agree more. And I'll go you one step further: I have made it clear to everyone around me that I will never help prop up an affair by keeping an adulterer's secret. If I were to find out that an acquaintance was having an affair, I'd be on the phone in a heartbeat. Because I know what it's like to be a betrayed spouse who is being kept in the dark while the dirty little secret continues to grow. To do less would be dishonest of ME.

Now. As far as your story: your background is important for the other posters to know because it gives them a sense of how you are arriving at your position. We have a better sense of where you're coming from when we know what you've dealt with in the way of infidelity. You don't ever need to tell your story, of course. However, you understand that your posts may likely be given less merit because you are an unknown quantity.

Just my two bits.

Maybe radical honesty was the wrong word to use? But I was asking prissana about honesty in marriage regarding infidelity because of this:



We aren't helping this couple's M or the BW in KZ's case by keeping the affair/married man's still pursuing the OW a secret.

I honestly don't know what ought to be done.
I distrust this gal-pal and her rendition of the facts.
I'd hate KZ to expose himself to some legal action if it turns out this is not what he was originally told.

I think it's fine you want KZ to expose.
I'm unconvinced right now. KZ might be played for the fool.

Pepperband...This has been my point from the beginning. There seems to be an overwhelming need from some on the thread to expose at all costs regardless of the strength of the information and I was only asking for the exercise of caution. Also, MB concepts as I understand them is between the spouses, not from an outsider inserting themselves especially one that may have less than completely factual information.

Let me share a brief story from my past.

I was the OW. I was not a WW, I was a single OW. We were exposed to the BW by my friend and the BW did the rest. I was very angry at her. So was he. Exposure killed the affair, and I have no idea what happened with the couple after that.

I said all the same crap that your friend is telling you. I too, did not know he was married (and when I found out, believed the same tripe and kept going). I said the same thing about him showing up at the door. Honestly/ for a single OW, it's practically a script.

So here I am, what, 10 years later? Have no idea what happened to that friend, I guess she felt I was an immoral person to keep in her life. And she was right, at the time. I have grown so much, and have her to thank.

I'm not telling you what to do OP, but I am just showing you a consequence that can happen. I was only 20 at the time and yes, there are girls who are truly that naive but being naive does not mean that you are exempt from the harsh lessons of life and morals - quite the opposite, actually.

Can he get into legal trouble if he tells the BW only what he knows?

I have a friend XXX who told me she was in a three year relationship with your H. She told me she broke it off when she found out he was married. From what she told me he has emailed and called her and was at her place last week on XXX date trying to contact her again.

Something along those lines? Then the BW should pretty easily be able to investigate on her end.

Knowing KZ, I just find it hard to believe that KZ was ready to nuclear expose this including to the guy's workplace if he didn't have direct knowledge of the A?

Krazy, where are you?

I don't know. >shrugs<
If what he "knows" turns out to be false, could he get into trouble?

This is where I am coming from. See below.
My recent FB status update.

Marriage Builders concepts address the marriage; it does not address exposure in other marriages so that is a moot point. It doesn't address it because it has nothing to do with the marriage. It also doesn't address the price of tea in China but that doesn't mean we can't buy Chinese tea bags. ["can't buy tea because it's not one of the MB concepts!"]

A person has a moral obligation to expose an affair when they have concrete evidence, regardless of one's relationship to the victim. For example, if my neighbor's bookkeeper was embezzling his money I could not use the excuse that this was "between the neighbor and his bookkeeper" to avoid telling the truth. That would not fly with my conscience. We have a moral obligation to warn our fellow man when he is being harmed behind his back.

I haven't read this entire thread so I dont' know all the facts, but I would have to be pretty darn sure there was an affair in order to expose. And by sure, I don't mean an unrealistic level of evidence, [a video of them having sex] but compelling enough evidence to reasonably conclude the existence of an affair.

Prolly watching football.

This post made my day!

Not really. You did not ask the OP what evidence/direct knowledge he had and in your first post on this thread you said this:

Forgive me, this is a little off point and for my education but I am confused by your premise. I was under the impression that the information on the threads was a direct reflection of the MB principles which are between spouses as I understand it. The position you describe is that as long as there is some direct tangible evidence to expose regardless of this person being outside the marriage. I may have missed this . Is this Dr.Harley's/Marriage Builders position that there is a moral obligation to expose an affair regardless of the fact exposure comes from outside the spouses. If that is the case, I would appreciate it if you could direct me to the link or radio broadcast so I can follow up. Thanks.

What astounds me is a person who would not "intrude" if he knew someone was being harmed behind his back. What kind of a person does not intervene when he possesses such information? Not a person who has any principles, that is who.

One of the hardest things I have ever done is call a board member's husband in New Zealand to inform him that his wife had resumed her affair with the OM. He was extremely grateful and so was his WW once her fog rolled off.

I am not aware that Dr Harley has ever addressed it. Maybe so, maybe not. And why would he? Like my tea in China analogy, it falls outside of his focus.

It falls into our own arenas of personal responsibility.
Some, like myself, are more cautious.
But, I am not imposing my caution on anyone else .... except offering my caution to my friend KZ. Because, he's been known to go crazy-krazy. But, not recently.

Agree. And this was my point.

You cannot steal this point!

This is MY point !

Dat is my point!!