Estrela - I think this linked thread was 'before your time'.

I hope this helps.

Love Bank Units during Plan B

Pepper - thanks for the link. I will dig on it on my lunch time.
Melody - I exposed to his immediate family in Israel that I have contact with: parents and brother. His mother is mad with him so he will hear when he is there next week. Or he might just avoid them...
He has some family in Chicago, but his cousin is an open serial cheater, so won't expect much from there... I also called closed friends.
All - thanks for the support.
I am trying to take a day at a time. I know I do not need to make decisions now but my mind keeps doing that.
The mood of the day is that I am lucky that I got rid of him, that I shouldn't take him back and I feel so so guilty about it. It is so twisted. I really have to stop thinking for a while

Same event. From a different perspective.

You are relieved you have protected yourself from something that harms you.

Mood of the day: start to miss him (already!?).
Know that I am missing my DH not WH.
I now think I can be open for sometime for him to come back IF MB is applied.
I understand that I can control my life and that I cannot control him. He needs to control himself.
As much as I want him back right now, I cannot live with him without EP in place (and right attitude, etc., you got the picture).
I feel more human but oh so vulnerable...
And this is just day 3...

Keep going, estrela! Remember, this is to protect you and the remaining love that you have for him. You are no longer subject to his continued emotional abuse.

Do something good for yourself today.

I guess it is working then. I was not even sure there was any remaining love for him.
I will take a break from work and go to a yoga class. That will do me good. Thanks, maritalbliss.

WH is suppose to be leaving to Israel today.
Plan B has been mostly good, only one day this week WH wanted to see kids because of his travels (and it was not planned) and e-mailing back and forth through IM got very stressful.
My moods are still terrible oscilating.
Sometimes I know for sure he will try to get back with me. Then I keep thinking how I will react, etc. Other times it looks like the damage of the A is irreperable and nothing will get things right again.
And then other times, I feel he will just move on without me.
I either feel detached and cold towards M or hurt and sad.
I do not want to feel pity for myself but I guess I do also.
And now I also feel angry towards my mom (poor mother). She spent 2 months with us during the summer, and I had to spend time and energy doing things she wanted (plus work, kids) so I think this also hurt the M since it was during this time that WH met OW and they start spending time together playing tennis and talking.

Oh, and sometimes I feel like writing to WH asking him to stop A and come back home... I am such a doormat!

Hugs to you, estrela! I know you miss him. But do you miss him running in and out to see his affair partner? His sneaking around? When you miss him, remind yourself of the hell he has put you through.

And don't blame your mother. If your H was feeling lonely, he should have gone out of his way to AVOID other women because he already knew he was dangerous. That is not your mothers fault! And since your H has such poor boundaries, it was just a matter of time before he had another affair. It could have been any reason.

You are doing great, estrela, please stay strong and come here when you feel weak.

thank you, Mel. I cannot stop crying today. I am at work and need to get a grip...

Estrela. You are not a doormat... just the opposite.

You have already written a letter to WH asking him to stop the A. It was the PBL. It was a beautiful love letter which also gave him the path home.

(((hugs)))

too true... I guess I am still coming to terms that he does not WANT to be home now...

estrela, you gave your husband your conditions. And he won't meet them, then he is dangerous to you. you are better off being protected from him until and unless he changes. It would be MUCH harder for you to continue to sit at home while he sneaks around and sees the OW and then comes home to you. That would drive you into the nut house!!

It is hard now. We understand, but you will feel MUCH BETTER in a couple of weeks. I promise!!

Estrela, are you saying that you broke Plan B one day this week? This was because he needed to sort out a day to see the kids, and IM-ing back and forth became too stressful?

If that is what you mean, then it helps to explain why you are feeling down and are crying (sorry). You must set up your IM arrangements so that this does not happen. You need to anticipate that it WILL happen again, once he is back from Israel, and you and the IM need to work on ensuring that SHE contacts him directly, no matter how many emails and changes there are, and that you DO NOT.

There are a few experienced Plan B-ers with kids here, who can give you more practical advice, and I hope they will chime in. I have heard of an online calendar that allows parents to make these arrangements by booking and changing days. Other than that, you will need to require him to make arrangements well in advance and not allow changes. If he can't see the kids when booked, he misses out. Even shift workers know in advance when their shifts are going to be, and so do frequent travellers.

"IM" does not stand for "instant messenger"! There should never be a flurry of emails unless one of the kids has had an accident and WH's presence is required at the hospital!

You don't know that estrela. All you know is that WH is not willing to give up his cake eating lifestyle yet...and that just means more heartbreak down the road if you allowed him back home right now.

Plug up those holes. Show him that you are serious.

Be tall and proud for standing up for yourself and how you will be treated. Let WH feel the reality of his own choices while you work on recovering yourself.

Hugs to you friend. As ML has stated, this isn't in any way your mother's fault. What is happening is that you want to blame something other than your WH.

Your Im may be just getting the hang of this, so I will give her some slack. In my case, I tell my IM what I want, and she hashes it out with my WH(or so I assume). This way, there isn't as much back and forth for you.

It is important that you have a set schedule for visitations so there isn't a lot of back and forth between you anyways. During Plan B, even the contact with the IM has an effect on you, so try to keep it to a minimum. There are of course going to be things that come up, and make you change the visitations, but try to make it rare, instead of the rule.

Hang tough. It does get easier once you are in a routine and your over your own withdrawal.

Thank you all SO MUCH for your support and advice.

Yesterday was such a tough day (I guess because I knew he was travelling also). Today I am much stronger and stable. Happy even!

Thanks also for addressing my comment regarding my mother. I do not want to have that between us and you are right, I don't need to justify WH and his poor boundaries and poor choices.

Just to clarify, I did not break Plan B, but the back and forth between IM, myself and WH was very stressful. Also, IM mentioned that he made a joke about needing to go through her to have a cup of coffee with me. I explained to IM that she shouldn't tell me this stuff.

We both (the IM and I) need to work together to make Plan B stronger. I see how it can really protect me from WH.

There was another thing that triggered the bad stuff: I checked WH e-mails and saw one of his friends mentioning how OW is "very nice". I know I shouldn't do that. It was so hurtful. I guess I was looking either for a reminder of who he became, or for something to give me hope. Not a good idea...

He is away now for 10 days so I will use this time to get more organized with IM for when he comes back. I will prepare a schedule for visitations and IM will just send it to him. He can make comments and send back, but I cannot wait for WH to decide or I will be dealing with last minute changes and now I know how stressful it is...

Thank you!!!

Estrela, have you exposed his affair to his family in Israel?

Yes. His parents know and I also spoke with his brother.
His brother told me that when WH mother called to ask questions, he hang up on her...
They are very supportive of our M.

Estrela, part of Plan B is to NOT snoop on your WH anymore. I KNOW how tempting it can be to look. Believe me, I do. I also know how it effects you, and how it sets you back in your recovery. Don't do this anymore, k?

Lemme know if your IM needs any help. I am available to help him/her by email. This way you can get the peace you need.