What's with these church groups?

Anxiety is not a "get out of jail free" card.
It is not permission to not care for your spouse.
You are a married adult. It is your responsibility to care for your wife.
That may mean doing something that is uncomfortable for awhile, until it becomes second nature.

If you cannot handle people asking you to do things, then you do not need to be around those people until you are in the habit of considering your wife's feelings.

If this is true, then you definitely do not need to be around anybody without your wife until you can control yourself.

"Do not lie to each other" (Colossians 3:9) (http://bible.cc/colossians/3-9.htm)

Don't lie to yourself, either. If you tell yourself "I have to do this," you will excuse yourself in doing it. Stop telling yourself such falsehoods.

I have anxiety, too. Want help?

Another good solution I've seen is to roleplay these encounters with your wife. Have your wife pretend to be someone at church asking you to do something, practice responding, and then have your wife coach you on how you could better honor her.

Practice it enough to make it a habit.

And quit getting involved in so much when you need to be taking care of your wife, first.

Here's what you need to know about forming new habits to override your instincts:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3250_habits.html

Anxiety just means:
1) you'll have to work harder to build more powerful overriding habits (you still have to do the work)
and 2) you shouldn't be trusted in such situations for awhile until you've proved yourself

More about habits: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5053a_qa.html

In my church, each member is asked (expected) to contribute in some way (Matt. 20:26-28). If you aren't volunteering, you are frowned upon. I am a youth group leader for young men and meet weekly with these boys (one of whom is my son) to help them grow into responsible Christian men.

STOP IT.

The method I used in 1998 to stop smoking 4 packs a day was STOP IT. That is what you need to do. STOP.

Here is an excellent video about what you should do: click here

But your 'addiction' is not chemically-oriented. I'm not sure why you think the two are connected. Your situation is a matter of standing up for yourself and your family. I'm not sure what I'm missing...are you addicted to these people??

This is fine, and I give you kudos for working with children. But you also understand that nowhere in the Bible does it dictate that you are to neglect your wife and family, right? As a matter of fact, you are dishonoring her and the church when you replace her with church-related activities.

1HG,

GAMMA's wife seems to have overcome her obsessive pleasing. I'd like to hear from her how she learned to defend POJA when feeling compulsed to please others.

She has not really overcome it completely, she still really wants to please people and can become violently upset with me when she thinks I am rude towards others. I think it has it's origins in her mother who was unfailingly pleasant, though uncomfortable, with outsiders and nasty with her immediate family, from feelings of inferiority I would venture.

I think what happened is that she now considers me equal to others, not all the time, but often enough that I feel like she is trying and taking my feelings into consideration.

The chain of causation is that,

1)I read about POJA on MB and began to include my W in all decisions where possible, or at the least reviewing my decisions with my W after the fact.

2)By example my W picked up on what I was doing and copied my behavior, with gentle feedback from me. She no longer does favors for others without telling me.

You need to fix your side of the fence without any expectation that she will do the same, nor use her behavior as a justification of your own.

I can say that we would still be fighting and likely divorced had it not been for MB, my W often mentions "that Website" in her prayers.

This may not apply to your, but I'll throw it in. I've noticed that at many churches there are some persons that are on the make, hugging attractive members, etc and it makes the spouses of active members uncomfortable. Did you ever ask your W about that? I mean at our current church one guy introduced himself to me and my W and was touching his crotch while looking at my W.

God Bless
Gamma

Why are you and your wife not involved in the same groups?

So, when are you going to get to work on changing your habits?
They won't change with you sitting around yappin' about how hard it is.
Are you going to protect your wife?

Prisca, I�m going to get started right away! I appreciate all the feedback from you and others here, especially from your H, Markos. His words really helped me. Here are some of the suggestions you all gave me:
1. Train yourself to say "Let me talk to my wife first" before agreeing to anything. [ML, Prisca]
2. Only see/talk to your parents if your wife is ENTHUSIASTIC about it [Markos]
3. Never talk to my parents without my wife present. Only have phone calls with your parents with your wife on the line listening/participating. [Markos]
4. Tell friends/family that I have to ask W first on anything [Gamma] (a pro-active approach, but hotly debated above)
5. Stop going places or talking to people without your wife until you are in the habit.[Prisca] (Good idea, although the logistics might be very difficult)
6. Role-play these encounters with your wife. [Markos]
7. Read and apply http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3250_habits.html [Markos]
8. Cancel your participation in church groups that your wife is not enthusiastic about [Markos]
9. Get and read �His Needs, Her Needs For Parents� [Markos (btw we already have LB, HNHN, and SAA)]
10. Rubber-band method [wannabophim] (although, I don�t think this will work because when I�m doing it, I usually don�t know I�m doing it until after I�ve done it� but hey, it�s an idea)
11. STOP IT [ML/Bob Newhart ]
Thank you all very much for the feedback. This is all good, helpful stuff!!
Regards,
1HG

That is great, 1HG! I didn't even see all of those suggestions, and I am impressed that you extracted them all and made a list.

You guys are going to make it!

Listen, if you have any difficulty, please come back with questions. If we can't help you get through it, we can at least maybe help you get in touch with Dr. Harley on his radio show where you can ask him.

I vote you give your wife a pack of rubber bands and let her shoot them at you when you slip.

I don't remember if I said anything above on this, but what I often do is say "Let me talk that over with Prisca." Like was said above, if someone reacts strongly to that, it is their problem, and not mine. If somebody did that in church, I'd start preaching to them about God's views on marriage and promising to care for our wives like Christ loves the Church, which means placing her first above everyone else!

I've carefully picked "Let me talk that over with my wife" to try to make sure I'm not giving anyone the impression that I feel resentment at having to talk it over with her. I am glad to be participating in a situation where I get to live life bonded with one of God's most precious daughters. I don't want to subtly imply to anybody that I think she's "the old ball and chain" or whatever. I do it because I love her, not because I "have to" (although I do "have to" if I want to have a happy marriage!)

I particularly use "Let me talk that over with your mother" with my children. I try not to even tell them "That's okay with me, let's talk to your mother," because I don't want to set it up to make Prisca the bad guy if she says no; I want her to have every opportunity to say no, with no pressure. Trying to learn to keep such negotiations private from the kids and come back with an enthusiastic answer we are both happy about.

I learned with my husband that people typically RESPECT it when I say "I need to check with my husband first." In fact, the only person in 11 years who had an objection was a furniture saleslady who blurted out "YOU HAVE TO ASK YOUR HUSBAND??" Needless to say, I did not buy the mattress from her when I brought my DH back to look at mattresses.

Great list