In some places, pre-nups mean nothing as well. That's why attorneys need to be asked about both.

...Your wife needs to reveal who could have sent the pictures. I don't buy the "friend of a OM must have sent it".

Why I don't buy that theory is
"Wouldnt the OM realize who sent it?"
"Wouldnt the OM's friend be worried it could be traced back them"
"How would the OM's friend know your address?"

Others have said that this isnt a big deal, but it just bothers me WHO? and WHY?

Can you ask your wife during the poly "Did you send these pictures to anyone else?"

It would be of vital importance, not just about the pic, but about any other possible OM.

Indie� Thanks. She gave me all of her passwords right away, changed her email address & phone #, shut down facebook, and made a list of all our account info (banking, phone, power co., etc.�she handles all of the bills). But, I did not check anything yet.

The divorce is for my protection, but also for emotional reasons.

She called several places for the poly, but only one got back to her. It is to be scheduled for this week, maybe as soon as tomorrow. We were concerned about the one company who returned her call because it seemed too cheap (less than $250), and that the guy called it the �Braxton comparison method� or something like that. I want to quickly research that a little more to be sure I get a good test. It�s important to me that this is done soon, however.

Scotland�I�m not sure about the post-nup. We can divorce uncontested for free (just file the forms and a filing fee), rather than pay an attorney $2000+ (estimates I saw). If the judge rejects the settlement agreement, we lose nothing and can resubmit. However, for the pre-nup, I would use an attorney to be sure it would hold up.

I soon want to let my parents and my kids know what is going on. We both mentioned to our kids that we�re having problems that had nothing to do with them, but I don�t yet want to be specific. I want a few other things taken care of first, so I better know what to tell them; i.e. results of poly, and first talk with the Harleys. I don�t want to tell my parents or my kids that Mommy did this, and we are trying to fix it, and then a week later say, no, now I want Mommy to move out. For now, I�ll leave it up to my wife when to say something to her friends and some of her family members. I think it would be good if her close friends and close family friends eventually knew, however.

Some of my wife�s family is (sorry Hon) generally awful. Her mother in particular has treated her very poorly over the years--much unwarranted criticism, deceit, even stealing from her, all behind the desire to present a golden public image. A long story. But I don�t think telling her Mom and some of her other family members close to her Mom would help at all. If anything, I believe it would just generate a lot of hateful communication for years, embellishment of the events, and lead to a permanent split in our families.

RMX--I think there is a reasonable possibility that the BW actually sent the picture. I think it was feminine handwriting, I don�t believe my wife has any other male contacts in NY, and also, it was interesting in my conversations with the BW that, she never asked about exactly what I received. Twice I vaguely explained this, and she kind of brushed it aside or changed the subject when I brought it up. She also showed no interest in who the anonymous person may have been. I though it odd. That said, I did get the impression that she wasn�t aware of the communication, so who knows.

In any case, I will ask about other OM in the poly.

Thats really strange. As a BW myself I would have wanted it either scanned and sent by email or described in painstaking detail!

I dunno, when I was first called about my WH's possible affair, all I managed to say to the person was "Okay" about 20 times. It could be shock.

I don't think it matters who sent it, except in the case that it is another OM, and any good polygraph would get that taken care of.

Bricks (and Mrs. Bricks),

I am not one of the learned 'vets' nor a long-timer by any means, but I have been on this site as a poster and lurker for over 2 years now. I try to follow situations that are similar to mine, and every great once in a while I try to offer thoughts and advice that I hope will help. I'm a huge fan of MB, even though my own marriage did not survive my WWs emotional affair. We are in the final days of the divorce process. All of our attempts to reconcile failed simply because it takes two to make the MB principles work, and my WW didn't want to try. Simple as that.

I've followed your story and just want to jump in with one comment. You have something that I desperately wanted for more than a year while I tried to recover my relationship with my wife and get our marriage back on track - a willing partner. There are many, many betrayed spouses who would have given anything for the 'wondering' spouse to get out of the fog long enough to work with us, rather than fight our attempts to save our marriages. It appears, at least from what I've read, that you have that. Your WW seems to want to make your marriage work. Please, make the most of the opportunity that she is presenting to you.

It won't be easy. You've just suffered the worst hurt imaginable, with the exception of losing a child. You need to heal, and she needs to help you heal. She seems willing to do that.

You can rebuild your marriage if you are both willing to take ALL of the steps for recovering your marriage and then building a solid, passionate marriage that can last forever by following the steps in the Harley's programs. I'm convinced of that. This site is called Marriage Builders for a reason, but like anything you build, it will take time, a lot of hard work, and teamwork. It's really not anything complicated - it just takes two people who want to work hard enough to make it happen. Again, the commitment to succeed must come from both spouses, and it appears that your WW wants to at least try. I hope and suggest that you give her that opportunity. It will change your lives for the better, and it will most definitely have a very positive impact on the lives of your children.

I, and a few others that I got to know well here, kept the door open for our WWs as long as we possibly could, and none of them even bothered to listen to what the MB principles were all about. Our wives were too selfish to want to try to work with us and to try to save our families. You have a fantastic advantage over us. You have a teammate. Use that advantage.

Give it your all as long as you can. Follow the steps. Listen to the people on this board. We're all veterans of an affair in one way or another. You won't find a more caring bunch anywhere.

God Bless,
Linus

+1 Linus

Thank you, Linus. I appreciate the encouraging words. Assuming all goes well this week, I plan to give it my all.


Here are my tentative poly questions. Please forgive me, one is rather explicit. I am allowed a maximum of five. PLease give me any any questions/comments.

1. Did you meet OM on any occasions other than one weekend in Ohio and one weekend in New York?

2. While married, did anyone other than your husband ejaculate into your body without a condom?

3. While married, did you have intentional sexual contact with anyone else other than your husband and OM?

4. Did you have any further contact with OM after **(date)**?

5. While married, did you intentionally send naked pictures of yourself to anyone other than OM and your husband?

Bricks,

I also went through the shock and unbelievable pain of discovering my husband was involved with another woman. And not just having sex but head over heels in love with her. He wasn't willing to give her up and I knew we would divorce soon after discovery. BUT, after we separated I didn't file for another year and I'm glad I waited. Of course, your circumstances might be different but there are two things I'd like you to consider before you file.

1. You said one of the reasons for moving forward with the divorce now is for your emotional well being. Getting divorced now will not help you heal faster. Grieving the loss of your marriage and your way of life will take as long as it takes. You can't rush it. You're going to hurt, unbearably at times, I'm sorry to say for some time to come. You can't shut it down by filing for divorce. It doesn't work that way.

2. You didn't think of your children and the effect on them until after you had decided to divorce. That's an indication that you're not thinking clearly about a lot of things. You have suffered a trauma. Again, you need some clarity before making life changing decisions. You only started this thread 7 days ago. 7 DAYS AGO! That's not enough time to do anything. Remember, you've had bombs lobbed at you every day since the 24th. I believe your number one priority right now should be to talk with your children, tell them what has happened, tell them their mother has done a terrible thing but still loves them. Tell them that you love them, tell them that you are hurting because of what has happened and things will change but not this minute and that none of the changes are because of them. Emphasize that over and over again and encourage them to talk with their Mother so she can also reassure them it's nothing they've done.

You have a rough road ahead. I'm sorry for that but there is help here. If you feel you don't need help you'll find support here and that can be just as helpful during this time when your emotions are going in every direction imaginable.

Brick-

My wife spent too many years doing another guy for what appears absolutely no reason. She cant think of anything other than the meaningless dollars he paid her to be his 'assistant' and the credit card she used to buy clothing and junk.

To me all that and including conversation, companionship, and attention that he gave and that I didnt do enough of means nothing to me.

Its the sex and nakedness and holding and kissing and rubbing and all the rest that still, 8 months post dday, I wrestle with.

I try to focus on some facts or facts as I believe them to be: a woman doesnt cheat for the sex for the most part, its the guy who wants to get laid. The woman uses sex to keep the rush of excitement continuing and the affection of some a-hole.

I have a list of 50+ questions compiled in a notebook all in the same vein as to your polygraph question 2.

When cooler heads prevailed a long time ago I decided she'll never see those questions because what good would it do? Can I prevent the "ejaculations" now? Will the kisses not have happened? No.

I know what happened there. I have a very good idea what happened while they were naked. She's told me a great deal about the 'dirty details' and it humiliated her and degraded her to have to tell me. So, after a month or so, I stopped those questions.

Our wives did the most moronic thing a spouse can do. NO ONE KNOWS IT MORE THAN THEM. They'll go to their grave with the knowledge that they played Russian roullette with their families' lives and were lucky enough to have a real man in their life who was able to rise above it.

Im still working on it. Trust me. One bad vision and Im looking in the phone book under D for divorce attournies. Then, I stop, breathe, and remember that she has been wonderful, remorseful, regretful, and desperate to make it right with me and the kids every minute since May 8 of last year.

The sex stuff you are hung up on is pretty standard for us. I like to think my wife used her guy to get what she wanted. Ugly. Not the pure little girl I married, but a better one who is all-in with our marriage today.

Please give it time.

Brick, Mike just gave you a perfect outlook on how things should work. Some 20 years latter I still wrestle from time to time with some of the details of my wife's affair. Then I look at it as what good would it to to go over the details again. I know everything that happened. There is nothing I can do to change anything. What's done is done. You might look at like I now do she is with me not him so I feel like I have won if there is such a thing whenever something like this happens.

Great response MikeStillStanding.



Eventually, all of us must abandon our hopes for a better yesterday.
Married, or divorced.

A great man who travels under the name Celtic Voyager, with ancestry from distant green land, with awesome powers to uplift and motivate even the most downtrodden of us once said to me:

"You won, she chose you."

As angry as I get (and, man, I still do), those five words have a calming effect. I look at her and if she smiles at the right time and those words chime in my ears, Im good.

Now you have those words too.

Its funny becasue the sexual stuff means nothing at all to me, its the fact he gave her attention and love that belonged to me.


But I really agree with this sentiment:


I would have loved this and its the fact he dumped me like a hot brick - disallowing me the chance to choose to stay or leave - that has made the biggest LB withdrawals

Mike�I see what you are saying. When I was pacing the floor, asking her the details, she sat in the corner and hid her face with the drapes. I know she was ashamed and humiliated.

Strange, I thought I would want to kill the OM if this ever happened to me. I did briefly, but I never had the same rage for him. For now at least, it faded just about completely. He could have been anybody.

You all have generally been right-on about everything, so I believe you that in time, the �you won� may be comforting. I�m not there yet, though.

Indie�I�m very sorry to hear that. Right now I feel like, what exactly did I win?



Please forgive me for not offering back the support that you all have given me, I can�t think about much of anything but my situation right now, it is all-consuming.

She scheduled the poly for this afternoon, in about an hour and a half. I�m very nervous, will check back later.

You won a chance to save your marriage with a potential for an even greater one than ever before.

Good luck

We will back your decision (whatever it is) after we grill you about your decision making process. It's good for you when we challenge your decision. Being challenged helps you think more deeply and fewer regrets for the future will be your reward.

BIG HUGS

Brick,
As the WS, I see that your wife is really trying. Her actions are like mine.

I haven't figured out how to get others words into that box so I'll just paste it here. You are absolutely right when you said:

Our wives did the most moronic thing a spouse can do. NO ONE KNOWS IT MORE THAN THEM. They'll go to their grave with the knowledge that they played Russian roullette with their families' lives and were lucky enough to have a real man in their life who was able to rise above it.

Don't give up on her yet. The fact that she's taking a poly is HUGE! She doesn't want to lose you.

Please forgive me for not offering back the support that you all have given me

All of us here were the beneficiaries of counsel and support analogous to that which you are receiving. It came from the ones that preceded us here, and will continue with the ones that follow you.

Right now you pay attention to your situation, and your WW. (If YOU'RE nervous, imagine her trepidation.....)