Throwing this out there is not a good plan, regardless of what she's doing!

Here's an article on what Dr. Harley has to say about recovering a marriage after infidelity;
LINK

Though it seems ironic.....

It's accurate! Read the article in my last post.... It is YOUR job to protect your wife from YOUR Lovebusters, and, yes, it's also HER job to do the same.

Unless recovery is NOT your goal !

Despite my earlier comment, I agree. HPB is right: the two of you both need to protect each other, and it is true that it is hard for her to be nice to you when you are not being nice to her. Recovery does not mean flagellating the WS for their crimes; recovery means recovering the marriage you should have always had, but did not.

I thought I read in SAA that John wanted to vent some resentment at Sue and DR H told him to 'defer it'
Dr H said he could tell her all the things he wanted to vent about further on, but doing so too soon could endanger recovery.

Then when recovery was at a stronger point - John didnt want to any more.

I dont know if that approach is supposed to be specific to WWs - because I would struggle tbh!

Indiegirl,

Read the link I posted and you'll see it addresses exactly what you've mentioned!

And it's NOT specific to wayward wives... It's specific to all recoveries

Senn how are things?

I was concerned to see on your wife's thread that you had considered finding someone else by going to a bar or checking out a site?

Are the AOs getting a bit out of hand? How did that conversation go?

Are you looking for someone else?

Senn,

I know you are so very hurt and you want to feel like a man again and show your wife what it feels like to get cheated on. I know this because this is what my husband did to me. I will tell you first hand that it did not make him feel any better (worse actually) and it put us five steps back on our recovery. Now I am so mixed up and have do deal with being a cheater and being cheated on...hello split personalities!!!

Please just think about what you are doing...think about your children. This is what hurt my husband the most, the fact that he disappointed his children just as much as I did (my son is the one who bused him). They refused to talk to him for several days.

You and your heart are too vulnerable right now and this will not make you feel any better.

Senn

Think long and hard about this.

No matter what there is no way to justify committing adultery on your spouse. PERIOD.


When you near the end of your life and reflect back is wayward husband a label you really want to add to your record of life?

I for one am not proud of having on my record.

Temporary feel good solutions (such as RA) do not gain us any long term satisfaction. PERIOD

nESRE

Senn, you around?

Ups and downs, As you all know, start with minute to minute, then hour to hour, then day to day, then weeks. I am/have been in a slump for the past two weeks and it doesn't seem to be getting better this time around. I am so angry and confused right now. I don't know if I can stay with my WW as I can't see her ever changing.

When we went though this last time. I honestly believed she changed. She did everything, we (both of us) devoted a lot of time and energy into making a better, more honest, and affair proof marriage. But she never had it in her heart to be faithful. I accept responsibility in letting some of these principals and practices slide through the years, as I actually believed in my wife.

She is doing her best right now, but I can't get past the feeling she will end up back to her old ways, and I don't know how I can go through this again. I think what hair I haven't lost has all turned gray. I am much older than I should be because of her infidelity, and feel like she is robbing my life right out from under me.

I appreciate your concerns about what what WW has said, it is true. I put a lot of thought into this and I am likely wrong in my thinking, but I will explain anyway.

Last time around we did what we thought was a great recovery, so far as selling our house and moving to PA and starting over. Here is the big BUT; It all made her As worth it, it actually payed off as we ended up with a better life from her infidelity and essentially she was rewarded.

As some have mentioned "don't seep this under the rug". I put a lot of thought into that statement, and agree.

What can I do, less plan D or separation as either will devastate me/use financially. I feel powerless, like I don't have any choice in all of this, it is stay and keep what we have, or leave, and most certainly loose everything; Wife, Family, house- lose every damned thing that is of value in my life. I can't give it all up to prove a point, so the next best thing, betray myself an my beliefs and go out and do exactly what she did (by my count, I should get about five shots at it).

Perhaps she can see what she is doing to me, not just in how it feels to be betrayed, but also to show her I will not lay down and take it this time around. I don't think she has ever felt any fear that I would leave her, and this is my way of showing her I will. I feel powerless and pathetic, having accepted 5 affairs in my marriage and have done nothing in response other than make a better marriage. At some point, you can not take another punch to the face without hitting back.

As I said, I know this line of thinking is all wrong, but it is where I am right now.

That will not solve the problem to go out and cheat on her. It will just add a new problem. That is nuts. I can't fathom why you won't just take direct steps to resolve the problem.

I agree that separation will devastate you financially, which is why I suggested a plan to avoid that. You are headed for divorce now and it will come to a point where you have no control over it. This is going to blow out of control if you refuse to do something.

Have her find a safe job. Sell your house and get a less expensive house. Rent it, do whatever you have to do to get out from under that house. That house and her job is not important than your marriage, Senn. That house is tainted by her affair.


More crazy talk. You didn't end up with a better life. She is cheating again. She is being rewarded now because she is not being held accountable. She has done nothing to change her lifestyle to protect you from another affair.

Senn, you are not stuck. You are just not being creative enough in coming up with solutions. It would be worth it if you got rid of that house and moved to another town. You would be away from the house where the affair took place, and in a new town where she could find a job that will complement your marriage.

p.s. she has turned your "dream house" into your house of horrors. You are going to think of what she did in your house every day.

Feelings follow actions, Senn.

...plan D or separation as either will devastate me/use financially...stay and keep what we have, or leave, and most certainly loose everything; Wife, Family, house- lose every damned thing that is of value in my life. I can't give it all up to prove a point...

Senn, your logic is fallacious, because you're asking the wrong question.

The only question that matters right now is:

Will POSWW ever mature, and sufficiently understand her responsibilities, enough to make the changes to her promiscuous character, and build even a decent marriage with you?

If "yes", then you have the option of moving forward with her, swallowing the bile of your betrayals in exchange for avoiding the massive legal/dual-household expenses which would result from a dissolution.

If "no", then all you're doing is postponing the inevitable, and wasting the time between today, and this stage after her next affair.

Let me give you what I see as vital elements in working out the answer to that question.

• Has she "self-exposed" to all of her family, friends, clergy, etc, asking their help in keeping her on track?
• Has she made the changes to her lifestyle, at WHATEVER cost, to prevent her "scratching her itch" with the next available man?
• Has she done the necessary work to discover what ENs she needed from them, and why she wouldn't source them from you?

This is not a two-out-of-three exam; you need to have a firm "yes" to each one, my friend.

In closing, let me make one more point. You wrote:

I can't give it all up to prove a point, so the next best thing, betray myself an my beliefs and go out and do exactly what she did...I don't think she has ever felt any fear that I would leave her, and this is my way of showing her I will. I feel powerless and pathetic... At some point, you can not take another punch to the face without hitting back.

If by "the face" you mean your pride, integrity, and "self", I would doubt that having an RA (thereby punching yourself in "the face") is going to help. If you come to the decision that you need the comfort, self-worth, and affection that comes from a another woman, fair enough. Legally ditch the one you've been saddled with and start a new life, allowing the search for that one to begin.

Mel,
I disagree with your assessment of our better life. It was better, and I have treated her very well through the years. She had little to complain about. If you look through her petty excuses and really look into it, she had few complaints with our marriage. She may have been looking to fill a EN outside of our marriage, but that doesn't mean we didn't have a good marriage, or a better marriage than we did for the first 5 years pre DDay #1.
If I ditch this house because it is tainted, this marriage will end. I have more good memories in this house than the little stain she has placed on it, it was my grandparents home and in my family now for 3 generations! This house (as pathetic as it sounds) is the one and only reason she is still living in it. I can say the symbolic or sentimental (can't think of a better word) value to the location of an affair has not had the same affect on me this time as apposed to post DDay #1. Back then I would see a location where an A happened and would be immediately triggered by a deep pain in my heart. This time that hasn't happened, not just b/c of this house; I think I have realized it isn't the place that it occurred, but rather the fact that it occurred.

Another interesting thing about my feelings this time around; The pain isn't nearly as sharp or unbearable like it was last time. I believe last time I felt the innocence of both my wife and marriage were stolen or just given away without care. I don't think I have viewed my marriage or wife with the thought or feeling of innocent since then, and I didn't loose that this time around as it has been gone for a long time. It's like seeing a young woman die suddenly compared to an old man, who lived his life, die of old age, big difference in the level of sorrow you feel in each, My marriage is old and beat. Now, I am much more angry about it than hurt by it.

As for loosing or selling this house, I want this house more than my marriage. It may be, that is what I will end up with, or maybe I will end up with nothing. As I have stated, our biggest financial issue is the fact that we are paying for a second house, that will not sell. We could just about pull off a single income if we could sell the other house.

NG,
I am putting some thought into your Q's and #2 is what everyone is hung up on. #3 is hard to judge, as I believed she had last time, but clearly she didn't.

As for a RA, I don't see it as that, more of a confidence booster to show me, and maybe WW, that I am more than capable of moving on and finding another partner.

As for punching myself in the face, I am not a fighter, as early in my life I figured out that even the winner gets hurt, but knowing that, there are still times you have to fight.

NG,
I get going and write a book and forget all the points I want to make.
You mentioned the putting of the inevitable. I agree, I haven't been thinking rationally since DDay and in my twisted mind I have conceded to the fact that my WW will likely never change. I think she will go through all this to "prove to me" she has changed (just like last time) only to do it again in 5 years. In my twisted thinking, I want to prepare for it and get my finances in order to salvage what I can when we do go through the divorce.

Senn, having an affair does not boost one's confidence, it erodes it.

And what I mean by a "recovered" marriage is not one in which you are "happy" for a few years, but one that is affair proofed. She has never done that. A marriage that is not affair proofed just leads to more affairs. Like you told us earlier, she is in the habit of flirting with men and that has not changed. All the need meetin in the world cannot compensate for a risky environment. As you have learned the hard way.

I find it astonishing that the only solution you can seem to muster is to commit adultery yourself. That is irresponsible and reckless. It won't help your marriage, your self esteem or your self confidence. It will make the situation worse.

How will you explain that to your children? You want to role model adultery to your kids?

The solution is to find a way to affair proof your marriage and make sure this doesn't happen again. Until you do that, I frankly don't see any hope here.

Senn, affairs are evil. You more than anyone should understand that.

If you want to stay married, stay married.

This means the pair of you need to figure out a way to make the money add up without her current job.

Have you even began trying to brainstorm ways to do this? Actually sat down and put all options and possible solutions on paper?

If you want to divorce her, do it but an affair is not an option. Only a skank would be interested in a married man and your children do not deserve this

How's this, senn.

You don't even see each other long enough to come up with a plan.

Is there any chance you can go away together to give yourselves time to come up with some ideas and do some needs meeting. Right now you must feel like strangers, so no wonder your not motivated.

I also think the house triggers you a very subtle level and if you were to get away for a bit you would see a difference.

I realised this when I went on a trip and the A didn't even happen in my house. Just lots of lying.