oh, and dont' TALK about it. Do it. People who have been hurt need to SEE ACTIONS. They have listened to words before and they no longer mean anything. Consistent actions. Consistent for substantial periods of time. like months. This is not going to happen quickly -- it's a daily project, hourly even. But you can do it. You're motivated. You have a very honorable goal and the forces of the universe align with that. we'll help guide you.

opt

I will--thank you optimism.

I want to scream. The pain is bad--missing my daughter is bad.

What have I done. I want to scream.

Pain is weakness leaving the body. Embrace it. Acknowledge it. And work your plan so that you don have to experience it anymore. You can get to a better place with hard work and determination and focus on your goal.
Opt

I just got off the phone with him. We are so friendly to each other...he is still reserved on a LOT of things. Many things he won't talk about.

I miss him.

I think of him when I lie awake at night...I love and miss him, and close my eyes and tell him goodnight and that I love him; and I pray for him and our baby too.

I just re-read your thread so far. You have good solid advice here from some very knowledgable posters. If you put your energies towards learning as much as you can about MB principles and you will be so attractive that you may have a chance with your ex. You already have the advantage of being his daughter's mother.
Read a lot and then daily implement the concepts-- eliminate lovebusters from your life, in all your relationships. meet whatever emotional needs you can for your ex on the phone -- conversation obviously, listening and providing support. Ask about what is going on. Show love for your baby. Visit as much as you can, and be a solid, confident woman when you're with him; like you know things are going to work out (you alluded to this in an earlier post).
Try to figure out what emotional needs might be most important to him after you read a lot about the basic concepts. I have a feeling DS might be one -- so made sure your house is kept up and you can cook; maybe he'll pay you a visit one day so you can impress him.
This will take time but you seem like a committed lady and I get the impression you have matured greatly in the last year or so. I think you can do this with perseverance and patience.

opt

Thank you Optimism. I really have God to thank for helping me through this,and what improvement I have done.

Also, since my ex-H and I have been distanced for a while, should I send him the EN Questionaire, or should I not (due to what he has told me about not wanting to get into any kind of relationship with anyone till he's graduated --2015!), so, should I do some "sleuthing" through little hints here and there over the phone and Skype to find out what his EN's are? That may take a while since he doesn't truly open up to me too often...

ES,
I would not be focusing attention on him. I would be focusing attention on Steff. [Sending him a questionnnaire might send him over the edge.] Meet whatever needs you can in your current situation and don't lovebust. Listen and be interested in what he is saying. Have you read the "friends and enemies of good conversation?" - that's very important for you as you are long distance right now.

You could fill out the EN questionnaire for him - since you were married, you must have some idea what his EN's are.

What I was saying about EN's is that he seems to be attached to his mother. Mothers generally supply caring love. She is obviously supplying domestic support as she is caring for his daughter. These are obviously things that are important to him.

So I would say that you need to show that you can provide these things. Develop the skills even more than you already have. Keep a clean house (you may even mention it in passing during conversations -- but be HONEST, don't just say it). Learn to cook delicious meals and talk about new recipes that excite you and "oooh, I wish you were here to try some of this Payaya or Roast chicken I made last night."

None of this will happen over night. It will be a long process. Betrayed spouses need to see a considerable track record of consistent reliable, trustworthy behavior. And we haven't even gotten into you developing a plan to at least move back somewhere closer to him (probably as your schooling priorities are met...).

These are my suggestions from what I see. You can do this with patience and perseverence and focus on your goal which is obviously to get back with your daughter and have the family you dream of.

The side benefit of all this is that focusing on all these positive things is going to take you to a new plane of consciousness. You may never again be the wife of your ex. But you will always be the mother of your child. Constantly striving to be a better parent is part of our job.

opt
During my plan A my now-exWW went on a 2 week trip with my son. Steve Harley (Dr. Harley's son) advised me to send a letter for everyday she would be gone. I was to have someone give her one per day. Nothing special, just a little note telling her what I was planning to do that day, or how I wondered what she was up to. Just enough to keep in her heart, but not to overwhelm her. You may adapt this approach to your situation (and I realize you've been writing). Maybe a stack of post cards. "I just wanted to share with you that I got an A on my statistics exam, give DD a hug for me...." or "today was the day you said you were going to meet with ________, I was just thinking of it and hoping it went well"
you know, stuff like that. -- just an idea.

And just to reinforce a concept. If you use the techniques in "friends of good conversation" and develop those skills (not just with him but with others as well, you won't need to sleuth. You will be constantly gathering useful information just in conversation.
Sometimes men don't "open up" to women because they can't get in a word edge-wise. Make sure your conversations are at least 50/50.
"What do you think of...., what are your thoughts on....., how do you suppose.....,"


opt

Optimism:

Yesterday, I was so excited to hear from him when he called, that I found myself dominating the conversation, and he hardly got to speak. I was really kicking myself afterwards (apologized on a text later), so i will definitely be developing my conversation skills!

It deflates me to hear you say "you may never again be the wife of your ex" but you know, it's all my fault. Also, I want to be a better woman, and there is always room to grow. Right now, I cannot imagine being a mom outside of a family--it seems chopped and deformed, and abnormal and mutant. But, I desire to be the very best woman and mommy I can be, and I will trust that God will allow the very best to happen for my baby and me.

Hey--thanks for taking time to counsel.

ES, I don't think you really should be posting in Divorced, even though you are divorced. I think that since you are trying to recover your marriage, you need to be on a more active forum, and one that specialises in building marriages, not coping with divorce.

I can't remember all your details now, but if your separation came as a result of an affair, you should consider posting on Surviving an Affair. Otherwise, consider Marriage Builders 101. Click "notify" and ask a moderator to move this thread.

I mean no disrespect to optimism, whose posts have been excellent. I hope he'll follow you and keep posting, if you move.

I agree. And yes, Opts posts have been excellent....

My heart really feels for this young woman and I hope she finds a way to get back to the city where her baby is soon.

what marriage?

Well, you had a marriage and you want it back. So that marriage.

You certainly are more interested in recovering that marriage than you are in navigating a 'divorced' situation.

I think that is what she meant. And I agree.

That is what I meant. Thank you, SW.

ES, that was simply my thought about your posting in this forum. You certainly do not have to agree with me, and you don't have to move your thread at all, if you don't want to.

SC and SW, thank you for your kind words.

ES,
I also agree that this thread may get more attention in another forum. MB101 might help you build your own command of the concepts as you go along in your journey here. I know it's intimidating to post there because....well, you're not married. --I have the same problem.
However, I have a thread there (about my current relationship) and people have been very helpful. Your thread is short enough that people can still read through and see where you're at and what you're trying to accomplish.

Of course we will welcome you to stay here as well if you feel you're getting the support you need here.

opt

Thank you. When I got the messages to move, I sent a "notification" immediately.

I may have missed it, but what is it that keeps you thousands of miles from your baby? Why can you not move to where they are?

Money. I have one year left to my bachelors degree, and need a job--a good one.
Edit to include:

I also want to be able to sustain myself and help provide for my daughter (hopefully all on my own, financially speaking) and I can't do that if I jump-ship here before graduation (at least that is how I feel).

Why can't you transfer your credits to a school near your ex and your child?

I get the feeling that you don't want to risk anything in order to achieve your desire to put your marriage back together. It sounds like you've tried to talk your ex into reconciliation. He is understandably wary - you have shown him more than once that you are an unsafe person for him. I think you're going to have to talk less and start showing him how serious you are. From where I sit, I'm looking at a woman whose priority is going to school in a state hundreds of miles away from the man she says she wants to be with.

I would suggest you get your college credits transferred to a school that is close to your ex and child. I think he needs to see that you have changed - not just read letters from you. Will you reconcile by doing this? I don't know. But I do know that, at minimum, your child deserves a mother who is available to her, not a mother who is pursuing her college career in another state.

I don't think you really want what goes with Plan B. I think you want to stop feeling the pain that comes from your poor decisions. That needs to start with you.

I think it is wise to finish what I start--that was HIS advice to me. I would move in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, my financial situation will not permit me to move immediately, and I graduate this December.

I must say, I feel panicky a litte. Because you are saying something that is what Iwant to do VERY very much...and saying that I am wrong for following my ex's advice and a prudent and wise decision to stay-the-course till December.

My apartment lease is solid till July. I wouldn't be able to move out till July (it is non-severable).

Now, I am confused some more.