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Good question. My wife went home early today because she's not feeling well. She stopped by for a few minutes and I offered to bring her food or meds. I'll be making dinner later and will invite her like I do every night. Conversation is all I can offer right now. Very good! This is what you should be concentrating on!! I remember when my wife and I were first separated. She was working as a nurse extern. Not much money, as she was trying to finish her nursing degree. She was getting nothing from me, and living in a one room apartment over some small church. One time, after the kids had spent the night, one of the commented on the fact that there was very little food in the house. So, the night before she was supposed to have the kids again, I went to the store WITH the kids. We bought groceries for their mom. Then while she was working at the hospital, we pulled into the hospital parking lot and all the kids jumped out and helped me load them into her car. And then we left. I never told her. She just came out and found them. Why did I do this? Well, Plan A for one. It began softening her up after that because I did this without asking and didnt even let her know. I just did it. The second reason was that my kids saw this. So, in this mess, they could still see how much Dad valued Mom. You see? The second time was when she was extremely ill. She called and said she could not have the kids because she was ill. I inquired on how she felt. She said she had been in bed for two days, missed one day of work...and she couldnt even get up to feed herself. I asked "what do you need?" She said dont worry about it...she would take care of herself. Know what I did? I got my mom to take my kids for a couple of days, I called in sick to work. I then went to CVS, spent like $300 on a humidifier, a bunch of cold medicine and everything else under the sun. I then showed up at her door with bags in hand. She opened it looking like death warmed over. She feebly asked why I was there and that I shouldnt have come. I ignored her, walked right past her and began setting things up. She flopped onto the couch. I stayed there in the same set of clothes for three days (I did shower there, folks). I fed her, kept the medicine in her. And laid on the couch holding her head for hours upon hours. She has never forgotten those three days. The POSOM didnt even bother to come take care of her...he was too busy. And here I was...didnt ask for anything. Didnt want to talk about coming home or anything else. I just took care of her. In their fog, they can see that. Feel it. So, what you are doing is spot on. Charlie Mike. That reminds me of the day my son found the affair phone (Dec 10th). That night she was having side pain. She called me multiple times and asked me to come over. I went over there and cared for her. I tried to leave at midnight and she asked me to stay. I spent the whole night laying with her. She thanked me over and over and said I was the only one that was ever there for her. After she was feeling better, she cut that day out of her memory. It hurt at first, but that's what waywards do I came to find out. I GUARANTEE she did NOT cut it out of her memory!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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I GUARANTEE she did NOT cut it out of her memory! ME TOO.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I now know why my W hasn't been responding to my text messages or phone calls. She has a new cell phone. I guess I can stop paying for the one she has. My heart is pounding right now. I shouldn't be surprised, but I feel sick to my stomach.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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How did you find this out?
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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Relax, take a breath. It's not something that changes ANYTHING that you have been doing. When she was over at your house, did she have the old one? It's gonna be something hard to hide next time if she didn't.
And with this knowledge beforehand, you can control your reaction. This is actually okay. You'll get through this.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Relax, take a breath. It's not something that changes ANYTHING that you have been doing. When she was over at your house, did she have the old one? It's gonna be something hard to hide next time if she didn't.
And with this knowledge beforehand, you can control your reaction. This is actually okay. You'll get through this. It's not ok if the A started back up. Now I have no way of knowing without her messing up. Crap!
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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G, I'm not sure what to say here. Let's see; you still have her old phone activated and she's not responding to you through it. Now, she has a new phone (that she didn't tell you about) and she's still not corresponding with you. So then, just to whom is she corresponding and why is she hiding it? I feel so bad for you, because you know where we are here.
I'm going to stand by my previous post. I know you don't want to go to this extreme, but it's time to protect yourself and what love you have left for your wife. You can't do it being constantly re-exposed to all this. It's going to kill you if you don't seriously consider going very dark Plan B pretty soon.
You are a good man, and you have my utmost respect for the efforts you've made. But sometimes, enough is simply enough.
I guess what I'm really wondering is; Just how much more can you take??
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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You DO NOT go into Plan B because of something like this.
During Plan A you ASSUME that there IS an ONGOING affair. This doesn't change your PLAN. THis doesn't change your MISSION.
Take some time to re-group and re-focus.
AS I said, knowing this will actually help you control your reaction to it.
You'll have more of these incidents while you are in Plan A. You'll need to move ahead anyways. As MM told you, "Embrace the suck." This is a part of the suck.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Dude, you "Plan A" until you approach zero on the LB$ meter, and then you "Plan B". You don't want to go negative, because the "hate" element does more damage to you than you can inflict on the object of your venom.
My heart is pounding right now...I feel sick to my stomach.
It's hard to be sure from waaaaaaay out here in cyberland, but...think about it.
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Dude, you "Plan A" until you approach zero on the LB$ meter, and then you "Plan B". You don't want to go negative, because the "hate" element does more damage to you than you can inflict on the object of your venom.
My heart is pounding right now...I feel sick to my stomach.
It's hard to be sure from waaaaaaay out here in cyberland, but...think about it. THis is a typical reaction while you are in Plan A, actually, it's quite typical in Plan B(when a hole appears and you learn something). A LOT of these do drain LB$, but as DrH explains, it depends on the offense. Some will drain the LB more quickly, and others not as quickly. It's a tight walk between Plan A/B and Plan F/U, because sometimes, while you are reacting to the emotions of finding something out, your taker wants Plan F/U real bad.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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You DO NOT go into Plan B because of something like this.
During Plan A you ASSUME that there IS an ONGOING affair. This doesn't change your PLAN. THis doesn't change your MISSION.
Take some time to re-group and re-focus.
AS I said, knowing this will actually help you control your reaction to it.
You'll have more of these incidents while you are in Plan A. You'll need to move ahead anyways. As MM told you, "Embrace the suck." This is a part of the suck. Which is why I asked him this question I guess what I'm really wondering is; Just how much more can you take?? I'm more concerned about HIM personally right now than I am his marriage. I know he's a very strong man emotionally, but geez Scotty, every man has his limits. The thing is, I don't think this is part of the ongoing affair with the first OM. G pretty much crucified that one. I believe it could be another OM.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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The thing is, I don't think this is part of the ongoing affair with the first OM. G pretty much crucified that one. I believe it could be another OM. There's no evidence of this. And even if there were, it wouldn't change the plans. He had some good Plan A days, and earlier today, he was okay. I don't think that this would throw him into the red. Now, in a couple of days, if it has, then yea, he should Plan on getting into Plan B, but Plan A is his BEST chance right now. I am trying to keep him focused on that. Plan B is NOT easy. It is recommended that a BH stay in Plan A as long as humanly possible because they need to win their WWs back. I'm just trying to keep GJM on task here.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Listen up GJM.
You know she is a wayward.
You know she is into some scary activities.
You KNOW it but it doesn't change your Plan.
You do your plan anyway.
Matter of fact. Stop keylogging her for now and stop snooping for now and ASSUME she is up to the most upsetting, horrifying, out the the bounds of what you ever thought stuff. Okay?
Still stick to your plan.
Snoop ONLY if she ever seriously says "GJM, I want my family and you back. What can I do to get it back? I will do whatever it takes."
I don't see that happening any time soon BUT if it ever does....you have the things she will need to do and then you will need to snoop to see how serious she is about it.
Your old marriage is gone. Kiss it goodbye. You are not a team right now.
Calmly walk on and do the plan.
All other choices are grasping at straws.
You really must stop snooping right now. You must. For YOU.
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[quote]I'm just trying to keep GJM on task here. I understand this, but like I asked him; "Just how much more can you take?" I don't believe it to be an unreasonable question. He's been in Plan A now for 6 months with a WW that is not at home and not showing any real interest in reciprocity whatsoever on any level. And now this? I ask again; whens enough enough?
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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NG, TW, Scotty, and reading,
Thanks for your posts.
I need to sit myself down and think about what you all have said to me. I don't even feel like talking to my W right now. I will still invite her to dinner though. I appreciate you thinking about me. I will continue Plan A as suggested. I just need to calm down a bit.
I sat through church yesterday and the pastor said something that hit home. He said that God some times tells us that certain people don't belong in our lives, yet we continue to ride out our pain and don't let go. It was confusing because God hates divorce. I have been biblically excused from my marriage, but I keep hanging in there. It's all so confusing.
I have learned to think before I act. That's what I will do.
Embracing the suck......
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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I ask again; whens enough enough? And I ask, how does this help THIS poster, today, right now? When a poster is in Plan A, he/she needs encouragement, because as I said, it's a FINE LINE between Plan A/B and Plan F/U. And making a decision to enter Plan B because of an action of a wayward is NOT the best way to enter PLan B. Have you read other people's threads who have gone into Plan B? There were times in their PLan A when things were hitting them, and they WANTED to enter Plan B, heck I had those same feelings, but it wasn't the right time to do it, for ME. TigerWes, when a Plan Ber gets out of the drama of the A, they start to look back at their Plan A. They start to doubt and question if it was good enough. I am NOT saying that GJM's wasn't good enough, because it definitely has been, but I KNOW that he will have doubts. GJM, let your emotions calm down a bit from this, and let's see how you feel about it in 12 hours or so.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Do as much as you can during dinner today. If the best you can do is not LB, then I will say that is a good Plan A time. Stick it out until this emotional reaction is over, and then assess yourself. Tomorrow morning may be a good day to look at your children and see if you have one more day.
ETA, I also advise Plan Bers when trying to decide if they are done, to answer this question. If your WS came home today, hat in hands, ready and willing to do ANYTHING to reconcile would you say "okay?" If there is even the slightest chance you would, then keep it up.
Last edited by Scotland; 01/30/12 08:25 PM. Reason: ETA
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Do as much as you can during dinner today. If the best you can do is not LB, then I will say that is a good Plan A time. Stick it out until this emotional reaction is over, and then assess yourself. Tomorrow morning may be a good day to look at your children and see if you have one more day.
ETA, I also advise Plan Bers when trying to decide if they are done, to answer this question. If your WS came home today, hat in hands, ready and willing to do ANYTHING to reconcile would you say "okay?" If there is even the slightest chance you would, then keep it up. That's what I will do then. *sigh*
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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Embracing the suck ain't for wimps eh?
When she is gone on her merry way, come here and vent away. Let that taker out.
Also, if you can get some physical activity in tonight, or some aggression out in a positive way(are your floors on need of some toothbrush scrubbing?), then you may feel a TONNE better.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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