You know, I have never been hit by a car! Think I will go play chicken!!

wait!! Aquanet doesn't provide a buffer against oncoming cars? (ducking)

seriously though, the logic is spot on

Would you also like to know what the definition of "is" is?

You've been on this forum 2 years longer than I have, let me know what you think "constant contact" is.

Or, you could simply read the threads here in SAA and SEE what it is, and what happens...

I AM SUPER TEXAN!!

Aren't all texans? you must mean super-super texan!

Whatever buddy. You're the one who keeps moving the goalposts.

This got me thinking about... well... me. We married young, and my W is the ONLY person I have ever been in love with. So I got to thinking... How does that fit in this scenario... I never loved any of my past girlfriends. Does that mean never work with them or move? No. so what does it mean? It means you treat past girlfriends/boyfriends/attractions the same as if there was love there. At least the way i understand this.

It's the idea of erring on the side of caution. Especially when recovering from infidelity. guarding your heart to the max. I may not have to move several states away, but I certainly want to do all I can to avoid people I have past history with. Why? because it's smart for my marriage. It makes my spouse feel safe. because something even as simple as a fond remembrance risks the potential to grow into something more. and that is dangerous.

Even if there was not something there to "re-ignite", you don't want to run the risk of ignition.

CV (whose gears are churning a bit slow today)

Mmmhmmmm, even though the post referred to "working with an ex."


But, you know... I'm "moving the goalposts."


So, what is your competing "theory?" What data supports it?

FYI; Dr. Harley (as well as several other marriage experts whom I will decline to mention out of respect to our venue) built their "theories" on the study of successful marriages - what went right.

Want to know what was common across the board? That in lasting, Romantic marriages, both spouses would rather spend ALL of their time with each other than ANY time with anyone else.

So, put me in a straight jacket and give me an enema, but - yes - I believe more marriages would flourish if they moved far, far away from familiarity.

Exactly. Dr Harley and Mrs Harley discuss this issue about once a week - sometimes twice - on the radio show and the litmus test is "past BF/GF," not whether you were in love or not. If you liked the person well enough to go out with them in the past, those same feelings can be rekindled in the future.

My dh and I spoke extensively about this topic tonight. I read the thread to him. We are actually feeling good about our handling of this unfortunate situation. I do know Dr. Harley says >When you marry, neither you nor your spouse should have any contact with any of your previous lovers.> I guess the question is to what extent do we go to avoid ANY contact? My dh is certainly not 'seeking' contact and goes out of his way to avoid contact. He certainly won't be chatting her up, or emailing her, or taking her to lunch. As it is, in 6 weeks time he has had 2 sightings of her. Is that 'contact'?

My dh has a long history of marital fidelity. We talked extensively about that tonight also. He knows EXACTLY how to exercise extraordinary precautions...he did it all through his marriage and he remained faithful to his now XW as a result.

I've written an email to the radio show asking how Dr. Harley would advise in this situation.

I don't know how Dr Harley will answer, but in my view, you and your husband are doing all the right things. He doesn't have a friendship with her and understands why this would be a problem. He has told you honestly who the potential foxes in the henhouse are so you are informed and prepared.

It's not in the same category as an affair partner, where we are dealing with an addiction that is TRIGGERED by a mere sighting. He wasn't addicted to her to begin with.

Like I said, Dr H might feel differently but that is my perspective.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

The 2nd sighting was today. He was already in the kitchen, making coffee, when she came in. There were other people in the room. She said, 'excuse me.' He said, 'No problem.' He finished his coffee making job, grabbed his cup and left. There was no eye contact.

He told me tonight that if he was asked to be on a project with her he would ask to be excused from that. He also told me he would take a lesser paying job to not have to work in the same building with her. I asked him how often she 'comes into his mind' (not as a temptation but as an 'issue'). He said, 'Only when I go to get coffee.' (so give up coffee? :))

So. We feel ok. Neither of us has done anything 'wrong' that requires 'just compensation.'

I know I would feel TOTALLY different if this had been an affair.

I love my DH dearly. However, I rank coffee right behind breathing.

If he doesn't want to frequent the coffee room he could get a desk size coffee maker, one of my cell mates has one she uses. I have a very nice pot size french press and an electric tea kettle so I never have to venture away from my desk to make coffee. My press won't keep the coffee warm, but it makes heavenly coffee.

HHH - I have to say living far away from family and friends certainly makes a marriage stronger. It's done wonders for us the past two years.

Hello helpforlost,

I think that most of us have wondered about this - the possibility of an affair through our married lives. So, I don't think there is any way to 'muck up' a feeling or explanation of this. But, none of us could honestly say that we could never be tempted.

My wife used to tease me about how sexy Tom Jones (the singer) was among a couple of others. She also commented ocasionally on hearing from a friend of hers that I was attractive. So, we both knew neither of us were excatly Neandrathals in terms of being attractive or attracted to others. Point is, I am very fortunate that I married someone who respected her vows. And I did and to to as a Catholic. This 'boundaries' concept is a bunch of 'crap' basically. If you do not respect your vows (promises) those boundaries do not matter!

Tom

Tom,

I disagree that boundaries don�t matter. In an ideal world you�re right. But we don�t live in an ideal world and we�re hard wired to cheat.

I�m a man. I notice attractive women. The difference is that I don�t linger. I don�t dwell. I don�t seek to have �friendly� conversations. Everywhere I�ve worked, especially here in DC, I have found chock full of very attractive and intelligent women.

So boundaries must be in place at all times. I don�t do it because I�m afraid I�ll cheat. I do it because I wish to respect my wife and talking to any of these women outside of a professional context would be disrespectful to her.

So I honor my vows, but I also avoid any temptation. It�s easy to do when all is well in a marriage. The boundaries are set in place for when they�re not so great and the temptation would be higher.

I sent an email to Joyce and it was read and answered on today's radio program.

SmilingWoman,

So are you and your DH going to take Dr. Harley's advice and have him look for another job?