I am trying to match up the lovebuster with a loss of EN.

Lets face it, I know it was just jewelry, but if he showed some disrespect for what you found important. Man would I get ticked if wife cleaned out the garage and gave away my tools!

(As a matter of fact, lost a collectors edition hunting knife cuz wife let niehbor use it to jimmey her door. That was over 28 years ago, and I still remember it. Not because of the knife, beacause of the thoughtlessness. Yes she knew I treasured it)

He is responsible for this, and in time you will forgive him, as he shows remorse and does everything he can to right the wrong. He can't minimalize it, tell you your over reacting, and jsut sweep it under the rug. (Which you have allready said he isn't).

Time will tell and work in both of your favor. A Pastor friend of mine said,"A woman can have a relationship with a salt shaker"

Of course it is what it represents, just like the Knife I lost, after I allready told her what it meant.

In the garage there is a old wooden mallet my Dad gave to me years ago. I want my Sons to have it when I am gone, I guess Men can have those relationships too.

I resent that my mechanic tools were stolen because my grandfathers S&K Metric wrenchs were in it, and I wanted my Sons to inherit them along with the tools I used to feed them when they were younger.

I understand Sunny, it what it represents, but in the end its just stuff, and because He cares about how it effects you, let that be the value of this lesson.

Hope and trust that he learned a lesson, and is thankful for you forgiveness, when it comes.

I did a similar LB a few years ago with my W. back in 04, we were moving from Va to SC so I could go to grad school. My wife had to work the day we were packing, and that left me in charge.

We literally had packed this moving van floor to ceiling, front to back. I had a few boxes left over that were marked "Christmas". Of course I didn't open them to see what was there... I knew it was Christmas stuff and knew I had already packed some Christmas stuff in there... So I called my wife and asked her what to do with them. She said if they don't look important, to send them to the dump.

So... 11 years of kid-made ornaments went to the dump because I was too dense to open the box and in too much of a hurry to look. You can imagine what happened when she found out... and then the kids found out...

CV

Constant Process (quote) (As a matter of fact, lost a collectors edition hunting knife cuz wife let niehbor use it to jimmey her door. That was over 28 years ago, and I still remember it. Not because of the knife, beacause of the thoughtlessness. Yes she knew I treasured it)

He is responsible for this, and in time you will forgive him, as he shows remorse and does everything he can to right the wrong. He can't minimalize it, tell you your over reacting, and jsut sweep it under the rug. (Which you have allready said he isn't).

Time will tell and work in both of your favor. A Pastor friend of mine said,"A woman can have a relationship with a salt shaker"

Of course it is what it represents, just like the Knife I lost, after I allready told her what it meant.




Yes, CP, you are right on target! It's the fact that something meaningful has been tossed away and didn't have to be that's so bothersome.

Relationship with a salt shaker.....LOL. It's true!!!


And yes - it is just stuff. I know it's not what's most important... but, I doubt I'll forget it either - like your knife.

But... we are leaving tonight for our anniversary celebration. I am going to focus on having a good time!

Had some other sad news ... my mom called and said my dad's recent medical tests had come back and he is in stage 3 of kidney failure; is supposed to see a specialist tomorrow. I don't know what on earth would cause it - the man, at 82, is healthier than most 45 year olds I know! Eats well, exercises, doesn't smoke or drink ... I guess "age" just happens! I'm very concerned.

Also, this news doesn't come at a good time. They just had to put their dog to sleep. She was a gift from H, the kids, and I to my dad years ago.... he loved that dog. I loved that dog! We all did. So much loss for my family this past year or so and it's been very hard on my dad. My uncle died of cancer and my grandfather (who was 98) as well. My dad was very close with both of them.

Sure puts things in perspective when I think about losing jewelry...

UGH....Poor CV!!! I'm sure you felt awful.

See, there's just nothing you can really do to make up for such a thing, is there?

Not really. As far as I can tell, you just have to ride it out. It took a few years with me, I had to encourage the kids to start doing new ones and as they began replacing them the angst began to subside. I still hear about it from them on occasion though.

SDIT, to give you my take on your original issue (And I'm sorry to hear of your Dad's issues.), MANY years ago (pre-cellphones!) I broke a beautiful statuette my wife loved, one of a pair, and she lit into me - "careless", "thoughtless", you know the drill. I endured it for maybe five minutes, and finally I said to her, "How about we start over with you already accepting the fact that I feel worse about this than you do - Now what do you want to add?" I then left the house - left her there with the shards of her little treasure - and stayed busy with tasks at my rental property, returning well after 2am.

When I walked in the door, she was at the kitchen table, still crying, with the remains of BOTH statuettes smashed to bits!

(Did I ever mention how much I love that woman?)

Hey Sunny and her readers:

I think it's OK to be sad about losses, even the small ones. But then don't let them interfere with the recovery at hand. Your anniversary trip should be an opportunity to cherish each other, fill each other's love banks and have fun. So try to make it about that! I hope your celebration was wonderful.

Sorry to hear about your Dad's kidney failure. I do hope that he can operate with one kidney? Or are the both in trouble? He will be in my thoughts.

FYI: FWH and I have been GREAT lately. Lots of UA time, getting very good at navigating life's ups and downs. Embarking on a grand adventure together -- we're going to undertake a documentary, starting in February. We're both very excited about the challenges it will pose and the possibilities of more work like this. The only drama we have is with DS17. He was rejected from his college of choice. Heartbroken and has no backup plan. So, we're navigating that. Plus, I caught him and his girlfriend at his mom's house, upstairs, in his bedroom with the door shut. They had to get dressed to answer my demands to be seen. Gah! They've been dating for more than a year now. He swears they aren't having "actual" sex -- no birth control for either of them -- but that he sees the possibility of that happening in the near future. Of course, FWH and the boys' mom, C, and I are totally wigged out. We have firmly told them they are two young to be having sex, but we also do NOT want them to have sex unprotected. A true QUANDARY!!!! We are all at a loss on how to proceed.)

I am going to try and not make H hear about it. It may be hard at times - but I am making efforts to not reference it at all!



It was easy while we were away on our trip - too many good things at hand to think about the lost jewelry. Might be harder now that we're home.

You know, NG, normally I would say you shouldn't have walked out and left for so long. BUT... I have to say, it was better than taking the assault. I will say, after watching my mom light into my dad over things, I have always tried very hard to not do so, even if there is "just cause" - esp. over accidents. Never have done so with the kids either.

Lighting into H over the A was one thing - but over something non-deliberate? Like you said... he felt bad enough. Thanks to the MB program, I knew better than to LB him by shooting my mouth off. Obviously, I couldn't help be upset, but no use compounding the issue.

It's hard to not let someone have it when you're upset. It does so much harm though.

I'm glad your wife was able to recover that night.

I'm likely to still have tearful moments over the jewelry, but I am sure I will not hold resentment toward H for what happened. (Or I am going to work hard at it!)

SP....we have a near perfect trip!!! I was NOT ready to come home! It did wonders for both of us. And I'm glad I didn't let jewelry even enter into my mind. LOL

We just got home a few hours ago so I'm still catching up with everything. Back to the grind tomorrow.

As for my dad, I'm not sure yet what any of it means. We'll know more when his test results come back.

I don't envy you on the S17 problem! NEVER fun to deal with! I hope the experience opens up communication between everyone involved. I had a conversation this past summer with my daughter who's 20 after she was put on the pill by her dermatologist for her eczema problems. That was no fun and I was there for the appointment - so I know why the doc put her on them, etc... But, I also know that as a college student who has her own apt (well, shares with one roommate) she can do whatever she wants. It's hard to let go and trust that you've raised them well.

A 17 year old son, still at home, is a different story.

I've always had a fairly easy time talking to my kids about sex - even the boys. H does not. I don't know if talking does any good, but I just figure the best I can do is educate them on not just the physical side but psychological as well. I explain a lot of reasons I feel sex at a young age is not good - and why I feel God wanted people to wait til marriage. Sex complicates relationships. It bonds people together in a way nothing else can. Two people who are young don't need to be bonded in that way. This is especially true for females because of the oxytocin that is released...

Anyway, I know you can't guarantee the 2 of them are never going to be alone together - so what do you do?! Sad too that he didn't get accepted to where he wanted to go. Sometimes you just have to go to Plan B in life...not much fun, I know. He can probably transfer after a year or two somewhere else.

Glad to hear things are going well with your hubby though!

Quick question: does snoring count as a LB??? I'm about to change my name to Sunny Sleepless if I can't find a remedy! We've tried everything: breathe right strips, sinus meds, ear plugs for me...

He even does it when we're trying to nap together in the afternoon and I can't nap.

I would go sleep in D20's room while she's away at college but I KNOW that's not the answer!!

HELP

LOL

And yeah - that's the only thing I've got to complain about right now so, not bad.

Lol... No, it's not something he can control. Might want to take him to a Dr. and see if they can get some help for him.

CV

PS. My wife uses earplugs, because I prefer to sleep with my head right next to her ear.

I beg to differ. If you resent your spouse for ANYTHING, then yes, whatever they are doing is a Love Buster. Doesn't matter if it's logical, rational, reasonable, in their control, or out of their control. You can find a way to diminish the effect of the Love Bank withdrawal.

My wife's snoring was a pretty big Love Buster. Reason is, if she's snoring like a freight train I resent her because I can't sleep. If I sleep in another room, I continue to resent her because I'm uncomfortable sleeping elsewhere, too.

Sleep in separate rooms? Heaven forbid.

The truth is, you cannot control how you FEEL. You can only control what you DO.

So we brainstormed with abandon. We discussed CPAP machines, nasal strips, and more. We spent a few weeks figuring out solutions, trying one thing after another. Eventually, we found a combination that works well without the expense of a breathing machine:

* Air filtration unit in the bedroom.
* Humidifier in the bedroom (we live in a very dry climate).
* Nose strip thingies at night.
* She does a rinse for her sinuses every night (kind of a recent thing).
* On days that are bad, she'll take some meds to alleviate congestion.
* She's lost some weight (this helps the most).

Her snoring has gone from "Holy cats, there's a thunderstorm in my bedroom!" to a gentle deep breathing with a very slight rumble. And she's sleeping better, which is better for HER. This regimen solves a long-standing issue of her needing 9-11 hours of sleep; the 8 she was getting were very poor.

It took me recording her snores one night for her to believe how loud they were. She had no idea. Once I played back the recording for her, she was convinced to begin looking for solutions together. In an ideal world she would not have needed convincing; just the fact it bothered me should have been enough. But, you know, progress not perfection

I say this because the more intractable a problem seems to be, the more important it is to come to some sort of accommodation that doesn't involve one of you hating the other. Including snoring!

My wife snores - every night. Some nights (allergy-dependent)are louder than others. I've learned to put on some classical music, playing softly, to buffer the snoring.

It was an easy fix, and has worked for a looooong time.

@NeverGuessed: Yeah, for us the "white noise" of the humidifier and the air purifier also help a great deal for those nights that are a little worse than others.

My real point is, if there's anything your spouse does that causes you to lose Love Units, that's a Love Buster. There may be a million causes, but you definitely want to deal with the big ones.

You want to deal with them and reduce or eliminate their effect on your lives even if -- perhaps especially if -- either of you thinks it isn't something you can control.

Some very good points and suggestions!

CV's right that a doctor visit may be in order.

NG: I LOVE classical music so this might be a good thing to check out.

Door: You're right - as much as I hate to feel bad towards my H over something he can't control, it doesn't change the fact that feelings are feelings.

If it were just because he had a cold or something, it wouldn't be a problem. The fact that it is ongoing, is.

I guess I just didn't notice as much previously because back before recovery, we rarely went to bed at the same time. Now, we almost always do! Before, I would be asleep by the time he came to bed and could sleep through the snoring. Now, he tends to fall asleep before me and then I can't go to sleep without taking some sort of Tylenol PM type medication.

A glass of wine sometimes helps too...not a bad solution! LOL

I'm going to take a look at all the suggestions and try them! I know H will happily agree. He feels bad about it. He even suggested earlier that he try ear plugs in his nose! And now, I feel bad that he feels bad...

I wanted to post a quick thought in regards to our anniversary vacation. It was incredibly wonderful! We had SUCH a good time... 4 straight days of being together 100% of the time.

It's SUCH a nod to UA time. I did not trigger once and felt completely in love with my husband - and him me (I could tell by the way he acted) the entire trip.

I'm sad it's over!

I feel almost resentful now when the kids are with us! lol. Just kidding. BUT...I do realize just how important time for each other is. Not that I didn't know it previously, but wow... it's crazy how having no other obligations and just being together really does amp up the love units.

Ditto. I now make a point to wait for her to come to bed, and we awake together as well. She's the night-owl, but we adjusted our schedules a bit and have one that works now.

Yeah - we did the same! I never used to get up when H did unless I HAD too. These little things DO make a difference.

I never used to get up when H did...

We found this to be a very important change. Even when I was still working, my bride would arise well before I. (She preferred to be at the school where she teaches by 7:00am.) After I retired, this was even more pronounced.

After our crisis, I committed myself to arising with her, and preparing a joint breakfast. It has been just one small increment of joint attention and shared experience between us, but in the final analysis, a plethora of small details together makes a substantial fabric of what comprises a marriage.