I'm listening to you Lexxxy.......keep talking, I like your ideas.

The issue with my WW from what I can tell is she's checked out of the marriage. She is working to get the kids on her side so they understand that mom is happy with this other lifestyle and man. The things I heard her say over the past months to the kids seems to support that.

By helping get the kids closer to mom, she will see them come to her side and leaving me, which is what she wants. From what I've observed, she is just beginning to feel the pain of her kids being against what she's doing.

I'm not manipulating my kids in any way, thank God they feel this way against what mom is doing. And I'm not about to do anything that would put the kids one step closer to being ok with what she's doing.

She wants the nice relationship with her son, she just wants it without me in the picture.

Also, we haven't visited the college yet or talked to their financial aid. We will be starting that soon, and perhaps that will open her eyes.

But please keep giving ideas, everything helps me make the decisions I need to.

I was thinking more about this and I wonder if her relationship with OM has expanded to the point where she feels she want to introduce him to some of her family, but there's no one to do that to since all except her mother are against it.

All the more reason in my book to try and find anything to put pressure on the A.

All the while doing a stellar Plan A. Are the two possible together?

She's seeing now that it will be impossible to carry on a relationship with this "man" with her family's blessing. That's why the change of heart on your relationship with her brothers. She wasn't counting on this kind of collateral damage from her actions, and now she's spinning.

Oh well...too bad!

Exactly. You really need to find out what you can on this POSOM. Leave no stone unturned. You need to start attacking from his angle any way you can. It is that important.

You should remain vocal with your kids about your plans and visions for your family.

Make it clear that restoring the family is your goal.
Make it clear that you are not "ok" with what she is doing.
Make it clear that adultery is wrong.
Let your kids know about Plan A and Plan B. They are of ages to actually help you.

At the same time, make spending time with the family possible for her. Invite her to dinner. I bet the kids would help you prepare it. Once a week. Great bonding time for you and the kids - plus it fulfills your WW's family emotional need.

Invite your WW to go visit the campus with you and DS.
Don't let her take charge of things like this -- or you will find yourself on the outside. She would exclude you...Insert yourself into the center of her relationships with her children.
For now help make them possible. If/When you go to plan B, that will cease entirely.

She's not going to let you meet her emotional needs for affection, sex, etc. But you DO still have the opportunity to meet the family, conversation, admiration, and financial EN's.

This is great advice, and great advice from everyone! It helps when I can get different perspectives from people. I was always under the assumption that since she had moved out, that Plan A was no longer possible or effective, and Plan B was required. It's good to know that there is still a chance to do Plan A!

Right now she is finding herself on the outside and it is starting to bother her from her actions and words. I think this is good in the sense that she needs to realize what she stands to lose. I like the idea of inviting her to dinner, but I don't want this to come across as a cake eating opportunity for her.

How do I effectively satisfy her ENs, without it becoming cake eating to her? (Seems like I read the answer to this very question somewhere on MB).

TigerWes, I like the way you put this.

Can I get other people's opinion on this. Is this the way you see it also?

It IS cake-eating. And you will tolerate it because it serves YOUR purposes. Its part of YOUR PLAN.

And you want it to be the best tasting cake she's ever had! So much that she craves more and can't be without it.

You will demonstrate changes. That her former complaints are no longer valid. SHOW her. Its not enough to tell her.

Court her like you did when you first met. Be THAT guy.

For a little while.
Plan A will drain you. Because your "taker" will start screaming **WHAT ABOUT ME?**. Your needs are being ignored while you are being SuperDad and SuperHusband. So before you snap, you will go to Plan B. Which is to take that big ol plate of cake away - and just let OM try to fill those shoes....!!

SW,

Well put by TigerWes, WW expected to legitimize her relationship with OM by creating a believable "story", the story would have been all the more believable had you cooperated and kept quiet and just fell on the grenade for her. She thought it was against the rules for you to throw it back, now OM can't be rehabilitated any more than Stalin can.

Prince charming is now a reckless, drunk, seducer, who destroyed two families.

God Bless
Gamma

SW1963-

Read this, read it again, and then read it again.

WW and OM being ostrasized by the family is a good thing, SW.

Its just one more thing she has lost or given up for this affair.
So her expectations for the OM are getting bigger and bigger.
To keep the "high" of the affair going, OM now has to compensate her for the loss of her brothers. The more she loses, the more she expects OM to make it up to her. He better be worth it..

SW, this is also why it is imperative that you some how, some way find a way to out the POSOM. You are in a lot better position that you may think or feel. But getting pressure on the POSOM is CRITICAL right now. Maybe a little face to face chat with him? With one of your biggest and meanest looking friends keeping you company to keep you at arms length? Hell, I'd do it in a nanosecond if it were my wife, but that's just me.

ETA- This face to face may be poor advice. Wait on others to chime in on this approach.

I'm printing this one off and reading it every day!!!

Plan A (the 'carrot') is allowing the wayward to eat cake by having 2 people (you and OM) fill her ENs. ON A TIME LIMITED BASIS.

This is not the same as "doormat" (see 'stick' of Plan A).
Keep trying to 'kill' the adultery while allowing her to enjoy the best of YOU!

GJM - I'm on page 48 of your story. Very interesting and lots of good information. It's going to take a couple of days to get through it.

You may have noticed my defense mechanism up at first. I'll come around eventually. Don't put yourself to sleep reading it all.

Also, if you notice similarities, let me know.

I have noticed quite a few similarities. The latest one was in the text message exchange on page 51. Lot of similarities just in the demeanor of her messages. I read the comments on that and was surprised how similar all WW texting must be.

I will list them [similarities] here when I finish your thread. It's amazing reading your story how thoughts and images of my WW pop up in my head.

The ONE important thing that's missing in my story is POSOM is divorced. If he had been married, I would have fire bombed his world on D-Day. That is the main disadvantage I've had compared to many others here.

It gets better (or worse for me).

SW, when I first came here, I thought about all of the disadvantages against my sitch as well. I'm not even sure who OW is for instance, I'm just going with my gut instinct. Through reading many reads, I have come to the conclusion it just doesn't matter. Some of the unlikeliest couples (IMO) recover, and some of the most likely don't.

The only thing a BS can control is THEIR actions. Follow the plans. Do the best exposure you can do. Do the best Plan A you can do. Regardless of your sitch or WW. Vent here, report on your LB$ and emotional health. And if need be, enter Plan B. Then do the best Plan B you can do. All of this should be done for YOU. Trust me, in time to come, you are going to look back and want to know you tried your hardest, gave it your best, regardless of whether you are in marriage or personal recovery.

That is all that matters, not the disadvantages or the odds of recovery. What matter is that you did the best you could to recover your marriage. And yourself.