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'Henry's Rule' is what I found the most interesting: "Everyone is willing to give you something for whatever it is they are hungry for."
"If you don't want to be deceived, you have to know what it is you are hungry for."
What a great segment to watch! Thanks for the share, Pepperband! I totally recognized some of the indicators from my own WH back when I originally confronted him. Wish I had known then, but I already knew deep in my heart something was up.
Last edited by tee_ivy; 01/16/1203:56 PM.
I am a veteran. I was an Army wife. Now I am a separated, government, full-time working single-mother of two:
ME: 33 WS: 28
Daughter 4, son 2
Married 7 yrs both first time.
WS met OW during deployment aprox. 11/2010
A: Nov 2010-May 2011, Jul-Aug 2011, he claims its over.
D-Day: Mar 17, 2011 on FB
I own and read HNHN, SAA, LB, HNHNP and the 5Steps workbook.
To every wayward reading this thread ..... Greetings and salutations !
It's the lies, stupid. It's the lies that are the relationship/marriage killers. You cannot lie your way to a good marriage/relationship.
If you can't be honest, then at the very least ..... shut up !
Spot on Pep! And the confusion and indignation when the betrayed don't want to be their "friend". The BS usually enters Plan B exhausted and needing respite from the lies and drama. By the end of my Plan A I just couldn't keep up the chit chat... I just couldn't bear to hear another lie. Any conversation was stilted because WH was guarding / lying about so many areas of his life. Yet WH always wanted me as part of his life, when I couldn't even ask what he did on the weekend and get an honest answer
No thanks. Enough fogbabble. Plan B for me!
Me (BW): 35 Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.
WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.
This is a great thread and comparing the lies to what I was told by my XWH 2 1/2 years ago is spot on. However, I think it should be pointed out that the WS has a long time to craft their story and lies whereas the BS is stunned and in shock when discovery occurs. The BS couldn't be more vulnerable and is probably grasping at anything to make sense of what's happening. That includes hanging on the WS's every word in the hope that this terrible chaos and betrayal can be explained.
I was in no shape to decipher lies from facts. Whenever I'd faced strife before the person I turned to for clarity and comfort was my husband. Now, not only couldn't I turn to him, he was the cause for the strife. He wouldn't let up on his line, "You haven't loved me for years." He completely re-wrote our history together. I was in such shock I couldn't understand what he was saying. When I questioned what he was saying, he just became more emphatic about his stance.
I would suggest to those BSs out there who just experienced DD, try not to parse out statements the WS makes, looking for reasons to believe him/her. That's natural because you're looking for the person you love to come back. You'll do just about anything to turn back the clock to find "Normal" again.
Very simply, don't believe what the WS tells you. Assume it's all lies. They're clever and will throw in truths that you know are truths just to throw you off the track. Don't ask for proof, they'll fake it. Don't rely on your past of trust. There is no more trust. Don't try to pin them down. Seriously, all you have to remember from this thread, in those first days and even first few weeks, is don't believe what the WS says to you. Any of it. Then, come back here and read this thread again so you know what they all say and that it is a lie.
BW (me) - 57 XWH-54 2DSs- 16 and 17 Married 16 years D-Day - 8/21/09 XWH moved out 10-9-09 Divorce Finalized 11-19-10 XWH moved 4 states away (on 11/22/10) to live with OW. XWH married OW 1-15-11
Very simply, don't believe what the WS tells you. Assume it's all lies. They're clever and will throw in truths that you know are truths just to throw you off the track. Don't ask for proof, they'll fake it. Don't rely on your past of trust. There is no more trust. Don't try to pin them down. Seriously, all you have to remember from this thread, in those first days and even first few weeks, is don't believe what the WS says to you. Any of it. Then, come back here and read this thread again so you know what they all say and that it is a lie.
Repeated for emphasis!
Last edited by indiegirl; 01/17/1206:54 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
New here to the forum. Love this post. Found out jan 5th my H had an A for 5 months. We are in recovery. Still resentful. Struggle with taking accountability for his unhappiness leading to the A. Seems unfair the betrayed has to suck it up, stay happy and meet the emotional needs of the wayward to make it all work. Fortunately I love him still or would bail. Need an outlet to vent I guess.
How do I start a thread. lol. Just reply to posts???
My H of 14 yrs. started a relationship last late August with a gal from the bank. I found out Jan 5th. We have had issues over lack of sexual fullfillment on his end due to his lack of emotional bonding with me. I wasn't always willing basically. His number one need is sexual fullfillment I now know. He claims he was vulnerable which lead to the affair. I get all that. I guess I could have been just as tempted but hello I didn't go there. He ended the A. Clean break. It's exposed. Its also exposed to the OW husband and boss so there is accountability on that end. Mt husband seems to not be in withdraw and happily moving on which is interesting. He says he was looking for a way out for awhile. I am trying on one hand to be very cautious and not be too trusting yet for awhile. Why isn't there any advice for betrayed spouses and how to hold it together during recovery of the marriage? I know anger, etc will turn him away. He doesn't want to talk about it,even calmly. He says we need to move forward. I agree but it seems unfair that I was cheated on then have to suck it up for his behalf. Just trying to make sense of it all.
How do I start a thread. lol. Just reply to posts???
My H of 14 yrs. started a relationship last late August with a gal from the bank. I found out Jan 5th. We have had issues over lack of sexual fullfillment on his end due to his lack of emotional bonding with me. I wasn't always willing basically. His number one need is sexual fullfillment I now know. He claims he was vulnerable which lead to the affair. I get all that. I guess I could have been just as tempted but hello I didn't go there. He ended the A. Clean break. It's exposed. Its also exposed to the OW husband and boss so there is accountability on that end. Mt husband seems to not be in withdraw and happily moving on which is interesting. He says he was looking for a way out for awhile. I am trying on one hand to be very cautious and not be too trusting yet for awhile. Why isn't there any advice for betrayed spouses and how to hold it together during recovery of the marriage? I know anger, etc will turn him away. He doesn't want to talk about it,even calmly. He says we need to move forward. I agree but it seems unfair that I was cheated on then have to suck it up for his behalf. Just trying to make sense of it all.
On the list of threads under "Surviving an Affair", click on "New Topic" on the upper left to start a new thread. Copy/paste what you wrote above and you're good to go.
As an aside, if he is still working with her then he needs to leave the job.
Just click the Surviving an Affair link at the top of these posts,
Then click new topic.
That name scared me...I'm glad I read up
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
