I have read a few other threads. It amazes me how so many are almost exactly the same. Yes all of this hurts very much.

**edit**

"counseling" will be a complete waste of time if she is in an affair. You would be better off getting the divorce than wasting your time in "counseling."

You are perfectly within your rights to decide to end your marriage, just know that this probably could have been saved. Her moving out will only give her the freedom to pursue the affair and will make recovery of your marriage harder.

Are you going to be financing her affair lair?

[quote=StupidMe]I came home from work tonight. Friend of ours came over that is newly divorced and talked with us. He said it was exactly like his. We talked to him and listened. During that conversation I realized SCREW this.quote]

Can I ask why you would take advice from someone who doesn't have any idea how to save a marriage? What did he have to say that could possibly help you?

She wanted me to hear him. That was my exact thoughts, he is the last person to listen to. He didn't say anything to help or anything bad. He told us to put kids first mainly.

I told her to take some money and get her own place. She will pay all of her bills after that. Once she is gone she will get nothing from me except child support.

If R is a relationship that is the last thing I want. I have to focus on my kids and get them through this, with as little suffering as possible. My boys are my buddies and I can't let them down. My daughter and I have grown much closer over the past fee weeks. The plus side to all of this is I think I will have a much better relationship with my kids.

What did this "friend" say that made you blow your top?

You seem to have a hard time conrolling your top and blowing it off all the time.

Many a BS are told this is not the time to make important life altering decisions because ones mind post dday is all over the place an rational thinking does not flurish during this time.

So you let someone that has gone through an affair without having the knowledge of MB or equivalent competent knowledge get you worked up and make a decision when full of rage.

Looking back how rational were you that night?

Keep in mind why did you come here.

I think you were looking for a way to save your marriage and family.

You only need a lawyer to do divorce. You don't need MB for that.

I think your gut/first instinct that brought you here was to save your marriage and family. It's said around here that gut freelings are right. Trust your gut and MB for a while longer.

I think it's adviseable to not make any life changing decisions for the first 6 months or so to give yourself time to put the emotional thinking in perspective for you and your family and children........
I think you quietly tell her that if she is interested in rebuilding the relationship in the MB way you would be willing to listen if not then she should move on.......
You concentrate on you and your kids and let her deal with her own demons, it is time for her to grow up and figure out who she wants to be..........
Right now it's time for you to be still..........let yourself feel the loss and figure out what life and who you want to be.........
You don't have to decide today or tomorrow.............

SM,

I advise you to think about the kids first. I tell you this as a child of divorce. We want our parents to work it out. Years later, even as an adult, I wish my parents had been able to work it out.

What you did accomplish here is that you showed her you had a set and are willing to throw her out. Notice how she wavered and started doubting what she was doing.

I say that you approach this different the next time she asks you to go to counseling and if she should stay. If she does so, you say, "I will not do a single thing until you end this affair, write a no contact letter, committ to MB, and open yourself in every single way. Otherwise, get some funds and get your own place. I'm willing to put in the work, but I'm not going to sit by while you screw someone else."

And don't for one second think they haven't screwed. It's happened.

She just text me and said I can't take all your money and I won't.

She is having ACL surgery next Friday. Surgery is in a town 2 hours away. She asked if I was still taking her or if she needed to find someone else. I told her she needed to find someone. That was very difficult.

I keep seeing replies about me getting a place. It's my house in my name only. She can't afford the house. She has the problem she's leaving not me.

Right?

Put the kids first?


Like this;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_care.html

I don't see you focusing on your kids at all. Is it in your kids best interest for you to take family money to finance her affair lair so she can screw the OM? How does that help your kids? Do you plan on allowing her to take your kids from their home in order to facilitate her affair?

If you want to help your kids then you will kill this affair and save your marriage. Your plan is the facilitation plan, it will get you nowhere.

All you are doing is handing your wife and children over to the OM. You have surrendered your family to a scumbag without firing one single SHOT. Are you French?

Don't let her take any money. Why meet her need for financial support? Be careful she doesn't steal all your money and run up your credit cards.

P.s. your sons and daughter will resent the hell out of you for surrendering their family to the OM. Kids expect their father to protect them and fight for them, not hand them over to an interloper without a fight.

Quoted for TRUTH!

SM .. I am sure your kids think you are fighting for your marriage... to disappoint them as such and not take away your wifes crack pipe (OM) would do more harm than good IMHO. By allowing your wife to take your kids and run away to OM your kids will feel you abandoned them.

Sure you will be a weekend dad .. but you will not have the relationship you have with them now. You claim your getting closer, but that will fade as you will have FAR less time to make love bank deposits to them) but how can you get closer if you do not live with them any longer? You cant see this part yet becasue you still live with them. I would think at the very least (if your serious about kicking your wife out) that only SHE goes and you KEEP YOUR KIDS with you and protect them from the POSOM!.

Of course this is all up to you .. but logic tells me that if i was doing what was best for my kids I would be making an effort to restore love in my marriage because thats what I wanted as a child that suffered through a bad divorce from my parents. I wish my parents found MB when they had their hard times and threw in the towel ... to this day my entire family is a wreck and i vowed to MY kids and myself I would rebuild our family starting with my current household.

I pray for peace for you and your kids ...

MNG

You are having a tantrum in response to other people's (wife's, divorced friend's) actions and statements.

You don't make good choices in the reaction mode. You make good choices in the clearly defined plan mode.

You know what?

You can still divorce her as you follow the MB plans.

Secure family finances.
Protect your children from being alienated from you and or confusion about what is happening in their family.
Do zero love busting as you walk to file for a divorce
At the same time, don't enable your wife to use you to enable her affair (financially, by having tantrums, by saying things without great thought)

This way, you do not shoot YOURSELF in the foot.

You can not educate your wife to stop her ways but you can model decent behavior based on thoughtful planning and not reacting to exterior stimuli.

The bottom line is there is no short cut to making your family okay. It is going to be a long haul whether you kick her to the curb yesterday or ten years from now. The family, you, ww, kids, are going to be on a nauseating roller coaster ride. There is no avoiding doing it. The ticket was already purchased, you all were belted in your seats and the motion started.

Before you file for a divorce I would suggest you go talk to an attorney. Judges are very reluctant to award custody to the man even if the woman has committed adultery. You very well could end up paying for her a place to live and child support.

The kids are staying with me! She can see them whenever she is a good mom. She knows i will make her life hell if the kids are around him. We discussed that.

Our finances are mostly separated. She has her credit card I have mine. I will get new checking account with my name only in a few days. I think it's all set up where she can't ruin me or my credit.

I was doing some figuring, no way can she make it on her own and keep her vehicle. I might have more money by not paying all her stuff

I think you're on a very efficient fast-track to divorce. And like I said earlier, that's entirely your call. Not everyone chooses to recover their M.

But I DO want to make sure you understand that the best outcome for your kids is to have a mother and father under one roof in a loving marriage. You can get that with Marriage Builders. Not so much with divorce. Just something for you to think about.