SM, I would stay in plan A as long as you can stand it and continue to present yourself in the most attractive light. I wouldn't ALLOW your children to be exposed to the OM, though. He is an unfit adult that is not safe for kids.

I take it you have exposed the affair to the OM's family?

Yes everyone knows about affair! My 13 year old told her he hates her for everything she has done and refuses to be around her. My daughter is having the worst time of my kids.

Is there a step by step instruction for Plan A? I have searched and can't find it. Can someone please give me a link.

I think she would go out with me for dinner and movie, do I do that yet?

SM, when you say everyone knows, does that mean that OM's parents have spoken to you personally to get the full and truthful story? Have you appealed to them for intervention?

Are you protecting your daughter from her affair? Keeping her away from the OM?

Here is an outline of Plan A: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1518204

Yes I talked with his mom, she's an idiot and no help to speak of. My kids refusing to be around him. They don't ever want to see or talk to him again.

Have you let your wife know that you won't ALLOW them to be exposed to her affair? It's important that everyone here understands that her affair is inappropriate and that you will not ALLOW your children to be around him.

Don't you also have a 4 year old? Has the 4 year old been exposed to the OM?

She knows I don't want him around my kids! It is getting harder for her to see him. Everyone in town is watching and telling me everything. Yes my 4 year old has been exposed to him. My 11 year old liked him at first but hates him now and said she doesn't ever want him around her again.

SM, I would make her get a court order to force your kids to be dragged into her affair. Those kids should never be allowed to be around him. He is an unfit adult and being around him only role models adultery. Does she want to raise your children to be little liars and adulterers like her? Kids need to be protected from that kind of corruption, not handed over to it freely. She is taking them around him in an attempt to normalize her affair. Don't let her use the kids like that.

I would call her up and tell her that under no circumstances are those kids to be exposed to her affair. If she wants to teach them that adultery is an acceptable lifestyle, then she needs to get a court order and a sheriff with a great big gun.

If she won't ensure there is no contact then she needs to have supervised visitation at your house while you are there.

Your kids need to see you taking a stand to protect them. It should not be left to a 13 year old to protect himself from his mother's stinky affair. That is your job, Sir!

It has been made clear the kids will not be around him from this point on! I'm forcing the issue of her stopping all contact him. I think I'm almost there.

Do I take her on a date now? I need direction on next steps to start repairing our marriage.

The kids and I are having a movie night tonight. Do I invite her over for that?

Sunday morning breakfast is my thing, she came over for that and things seemed good. We all laughed and enjoyed ourselves.

To plan A you need to

invite her to join you or you and the children in activities.

not lovebust when with her
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

show her you are willing to meet her emotional needs

and continue to protect yourself financially and custody wise to be in a strong position either way

Agree invite. Don't talk affair, or relationship. Just show case the new and improved you.

How do I do that when we sit apart from each other? I'm sure she will come over but it'll be like we are separate people. Maybe it'll all come together slowly. I guess she will at least be around me!

Why worry where who sits where when she is not even there yet?

Be creative.

WW enters home the some how is left open. You and the kids have the side chairs filled.

You get up put in the DVD and sit on sofa.

Now you are next to your WW.




How did you manage to figure out how to ask WW out when you first met her. I used a period not a question mark because I was not really asking that question.

UPDATE: My busy time at work is over, I've been working 6-7 days a week for last 6 weeks. Now I'm back to my normal schedule and I'm taking a couple days off.

I've been reading this forum for hours and doing some real studying. I have been doing half of everything and making it all worse.

I have a plan and wrote it down.

I'm going to Plan A until roughly July 20th. I'm going to be a ripped, sexy, happy, well dressed 38 year old, that can conqour the world. Best dad ever with lots of family time. I will not talk relationship, I'm going to make me a better man!



Plan B will follow.

Questions I have:
1 How do I cut off all comunication when we have kids?
2 Meet no emotional needs?
3 Do some of A and B cross over?
4 What about money? I'm thinking I just pay for items for kids, such as school lunches, clothes, groceries, etc. I think I should give her zero money, make her struggle. Does this sound correct?

Mr. Me,

It is an excellent plan.

1) The plan B letter will be a love letter that explains the conditions for her to return to the marriage.

2) You will not meet any emotional needs.

3) No crossover ... Plan A up until you Give Plan B letter ... then you will be out of her life entirely.

4) Speak with a lawyer about this. I encourage you to work a separation agreement out so she has no money from you to fuel her adultery.

Keep in mind the WW gets crazier and crazier the longer she is in an affair. This means you may want to keep a VAR on you at all times.

Are kids old enough to have cell phones?
Kids have access to computer?
You need a neutral place to have and a IM/3rd party to handle kid exchanges.

Yes the 2 older kids have cell phones. I leave so early for work I call them to make sure they are up and getting ready for school.

I get the youngest up and take him to her house in the mornings when I leave for work. That will be the problem with cutting off all communication. She lives very close to me, so the kids can go from house to house with a short couple minute walk.

I'm not sure about the entire emotional need thing right now. What limits do I set right now? She is still in the stage that she can't trust me or tell me anything. I have ruined her life in this town by telling everyone about her affair. She says she can't tell me anything because I will turn it around and use it against her. She is still in denial and has done nothing wrong in her eyes. She is in the exact stage that has been described in almost every story in this forum.

Be sure and bring up the AFFAIR as often as possible, though. If you don't, she will conclude you don't care very much.



You have all NECESSARY communication handled between an intermediary.


You don't meet any emotional needs.


No, any contact completely negates Plan B. Any mixture of the 2 is what Harley calls "PLan C" which is the most likely to lead to divorce.


I wouldn't give her any money. Keep the kids at home and let her have the kids for day time visitations.