I agree. Plan B is worthless once the divorce is final. I'm hoping to go Plan B by the end of this month.


My thoughts are she is in withdrawal and knows she can't be with OM, but may be waiting for him until his adjudication is finalized. I wish I knew what the status of OMs case was. The Judge Advocate General's office has his case, but I haven't gotten any details yet. It's possible that My W is communicating with him through the other phone she has, but I don't have proof of that. Hopefully my W is defogging while she is with me and the kids.

Sounds like my W - not going to let anyone tell her what to do. This is something she needs to work through by herself. The kids and I are just unfortunate passengers on this crazy ride.

I just went on a 3-mile run to clear my head and see if it really makes people feel better like they say. That's my first 3-mile run in months. I have also gained 10 pounds back since the extreme drop I had. Hopefully that's a jump start to get back in the gym!

Hitting the gym will do wonders for you. I say go for it.

I got 20 lbs more to go to get my weight back. I know you're in there Mark. My turn is coming.

You're a gunny right? 15lbs of that can be beer.

Hahaha CV! Thanks for making me laugh. I have stayed away from alcohol though. That's one less thing that can be used against me in the future.

I spoke to a lawyer today regarding my S12. He's been expressing to me that he wants to live with me so I contacted the lawyer to ask how I could go about this. When my son is with his mom he is very unhappy and not talkative or he sleeps alot. When he is with me, he is happy and playful.

The lawyer said that at his age, he will likely be allowed to live with me assuming that he tells the counselors at court that is what he wants. He said I have a very strong case and do not need the cooperation of my W.

Fingers crossed that all goes well.

How has your Plan A been going?

Thanks Scotty. Plan A is still going strong. I know my W is in a high state of confusion. We talk a lot about her work and my work. We're still spending a lot of time together and we laugh from time to time. I invited her to see a movie tomorrow and she accepted. There's nothing playing that we want to watch so I might see if she wants to do something else.

She left my son with me last night because she got mad. He asked to stay to finish his HW and I was putting stuff away. He asked me if he could stay the night and I said as long as it was ok with his mom. Well she wasn't too happy about it. I couldn't hear what was being said. She said that I didn't back her up, but I told her I didn't even hear their conversation. She said she was tired and that he could just stay then. I'm not rescuing her with the kids unless they are disrespectful. We're only united if we are a married couple not as her being single. She will figure that out at some point.

Sounds good. Maybe, instead of the movie, you two could go out for ice cream(or coffee), and a walk somewhere.

You're doing great. Keep it up.

Plans with the W fell through yesterday. She said she was tired and sore. She instead invited me to do something today. That didn't go through either. I wasn't counting on it.

I took the kids to church and went to a friends house after for brunch. We stayed there for a couple of hours and then went home. I cut my hair and did some laundry. Then I made dinner. My W came over to eat. There seems to be a lot of distance between us. I'm growing a little stronger and not letting the little things bother me as much.

Three more months until D is final. Praying for a miracle, but learning to accept things as they are. I can almost see a light shining for me. I'm learning to be on my own without a woman in my life. I'm starting to see the accomplishments I have made and all the good inside of myself. I feel like I'm going to be ok. I still hope things will turn around, but if they don't, I will make it.

You are gonna be okay. You are where I was months ago. It took me me a while to actually realize how far I'd come. I had come farther than I had been giving myself credit for. Once I realized that, the outlook started to look a lot differently.

You are going to be fine. You'll actually see a huge difference once in plan b. I hope that your ww wakes up and sees what she'll be losing but the reality is she may not. Plan b can and will do wonders for you.

Stay strong....

GJM, you will be fine either way. I am glad to see the growth and peace coming through in your posts. I know how hard Plan A is, and Plan B. Personal recovery ain't easy either, but it's ALL worth it. You're doing GREAT.

G, this bears repeating over and over to yourself. You have fought the good fight, and fought it well. But remember, the war is still not over. She's had it easy so far compared to you. When it's time for Plan B, I truly believe it will snap her into a reality for which she is truly unprepared to face. Call it a hunch, gut feeling, intuition, whatever. "Easy" won't exist for her anymore.

You've done your part and, again, done it well. You've pulled this wagon long enough on your own. It's time for her to start carrying the brunt of the load. I do believe that when she gets the full force of PB, it will hit her like a ton of bricks. Like I said, I just sense it. Can't explain it, so I won't try.

Not sure what else to say other than to stay strong and be VERY proud of your efforts in this extremely difficult time for you and your fantastic kids. Whether or not it's enough to save your marriage remains to be seen.

But it's more than plenty enough to save you!

You will be okay.

Tiger

Gunny, this change in you is good. It means we are rapidly approaching Plan B.

The more you feel this way, several things will happen:

1. You will be less moody. She will notice.
2. You will be less clingy. She will notice.
3. You will begin to have a new air about you. And yes, you guessed it...she will notice.

During this time, she may even begin accusing you of having someone else. Just smile and say "I am a married man...I dont do those things."

It isnt that you are pulling away...you wont do that until Plan B. It is that you are beginning to exit the rollercoaster. And she will begin to see that you are not going to be riding with her. So, she will first think you are like her...that there is someone else. You jsut keep saying that mantra above, and keep loving her.

But Gunny, you are now very close to B-Day. Very close.

Have you done that letter yet?
Have you decided on what day you are going into Plan B?
Have you thought out an intermediary for the kids?

I think we are right about time. But if you are not prepared to make the jump, it will be less than effective.

Again, Plan B is for you. It is where you fully exit this nightmare rollercoaster FOREVER. As she continues to ride it. It is a good thing.

But all your good work has set her up for a huge fall. No guarantees that she will, after falling, get her head out of her nether regions. That is between her and God! But this will begin your future...a promising one where you are better equipped to be an even better partner for your wife. Whether that is the current one or not.

So, let's get those three questions above locked down. Get the date on the board. And get rocking.

Your divorce is coming up fast. You dont want to be there going into Plan B...because too often, it goes right to Plan D. To give your marriage one last huge chance...you have to get to Plan B and let it have enough time to do its work on both of you.

So, new orders from higher. Stand by to jump to Plan B.

MM,

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I love my W and wish for us to stay married and I feel like things can be great if WE both work on the marriage some day. I also see myself moving more and more towards my faith. You know as Christians we believe God will work in his time and will do what's best for us. This week's service was about recovery. The pastor said we need to be humble, show grace and respect. We need to forgive no matter the outcome.

That is in no way saying that I am giving up. I'm actually far from it. I'm just going to do what I should have been doing all along. Our emotions get the best of us and our thinking becomes clouded. We let our feeling drive our actions. For the WS those feeling go towards adultery. For the BS the feeling goes into agony. Either way, the WS and BS go in opposite directions driven by feelings and emotions. That's not what we are supposed to do.

We are supposed to trust God and remain still knowing that everything will be ok, but we don't. We rely on some internal instinct to carry us through our troubles, making things last longer than they should.

My point is that I'm learning as I go. Every one of us has learned along the path that we are all on. For every WS, they follow a script and are predictable in what they will say or do. For every BS, we are also predictable in what we will say or do. That's why it's so frustrating for vets when trying to help members coming to MB. I see the pattern taking place here. What that means for me is that I will be glued to my computer screen trying to help whoever comes to this site. I now have several friends that are in my shoes and I have been helping them get through this hell that we are going through. I think I can form a support group now; that's how many people I know going through the same thing.

Maybe that is the purpose of me going through this; so I can help others and grow in my faith. I don't know and I'm not trying to find my purpose because I've always felt I was destined for great things. I just thought my wife would be by my side through it all. Maybe she will at the end.

You told me to look at my kids every morning and ask myself do I have another day....I always answer yes. I honestly feel like I can answer yes every single day. That would do me no good because the divorce will be final before I feel like I can't take anymore. I feel like I can Plan A for a long time.

I haven't done the letter yet, but do have a draft.

I will Plan B anyway so that it can be effective before the divorce is final. That will be NLT mid March. That will give me a solid two plus months in Plan B.

CelticVoyager said he will be my IM when I'm ready.

Thanks for posting as always Mortarman....I'm getting better. I don't have hate in my heart. I'm not angry. I love my wife more than anyone. I just have to trust that things will go the way they are supposed to. Walls and doors......

GJM, I am so glad that you have MM guiding you through this. He is bang on with what he is saying to you.

THing about Plan A is that you can get to a really good place, where you feel empowered by what you are doing, and everything seems to fit. I will tell you that something can hit you out of left field and you will be running towards Plan B. It is very important for you to have it all in place, and ready to go, with a timeline so you will be able to get that last push through and then you will enter Plan B on YOUR terms.

Get that Plan B letter up here for others to help you edit. I'm glad you have an IM, because a good IM is the backbone of a spectacular PB. And your time limit seems reasonable. You're on the right track.

Scotty,

Thank you for always encouraging me as well. I am glad MM pops up every now and then to help me. I'm grateful to everyone that provides input here.

Gunny, you are now getting to the place you need to be. And in that place, you will indeed become a "vet" and be able to do what the rest of us have been able to do...to help those just entering the valley find their way out.

You are indeed correct about God. He is in control. That is why I do my prayers and actions towards the "walls and doors" thing I told you about. I am not saying you are doing it, but I find many Christians saying "I am waiting on the Lord." And my response is always "what if He is waiting on you?!?!" Too many sit still...waiting. And nothing is happening because they arent doing what they are supposed to be doing. And they become frustrated and lose faith! Again, I am not saying you are...just pointing out what too many do.

Pray like it all depends on God, and work like it all depends on you! Ask Him to put walls up to keep you from veering off course...and open doors to where HE would have you go.

I read once that forgiveness is nothing but taking your hands off the other person's throat. One of the things I found in recovery was that I got to a point that I had to forgive the Troll (that was what I called the original OM). And I realized that a part of my personal recovery, and the recovery with my wife, was hampered by my inability to take my hands off his throat. I wanted to use my military abilities to settle the score. I wanted this guy to pay for the pain he caused me and my kids. I mean, afterall, he deserved to feel at least some of the pain that we felt, didnt he?

But again, I was reading a book. And the quote above about forgiveness also was followed about what forgiveness entailed. Sure, the Troll DESERVED the pain, the consequences of his actions. But, I was stuck in a place where several truisms were connected to this:

1. God showed me that using my criteria, that due to my sins, I am in the same boat as the OM in regards to Him. The difference between the Troll and me was/is that I have Jesus, who has saved me from those sins...the Troll only has himself. As such, I am no longer Mortarman...but I am Christ-in-Mortarman. That is an entirely DIFFERENT human being than just plain Mortarman. I no longer can act on the whims of Mortarman. I now must act on the direction of Christ-in-Mortarman. You see my deal at the bottom here where I talk about Jesus not being my copilot. Why would I want Him to be my copilot? I have no idea where I am going, how to get where I am going...and frankly, dont even know how to fly the plane. What in the world am I doing in the pilot's seat. So, in short...I had to realize that since He is in the pilot's seat, since He knows what is best...all I can reasonably do is to trust and follow. Thus, the Troll no longer gets me...he gets Jesus after Him. That is a whole different ballgame!

2. I know you have heard that God has said that vengeance is His. And I lived on that Scripture for years. Not only did I know that vengeance was best served up by Him, instead of me...I was expecting Jesus to serve up a whole can of whoop-[censored] on my behalf. When I got to the point of actually forgiving the Troll, it was partly because I began to realize that my wants were changing. I was nolonger hoping God would infect him with a serious set of nasty and painful things that would cause him unknown pain. Jesus was saying that He was at work...and that one day, the Troll may actually be saved. And may spend eternity with me. Wow, I didnt want that. I wanted him in pain and in Hell! But I had to confront the fact: was that what Jesus wanted? Well, you know the answer! So, if I was going to follow Him, I soon had to realize that His ways were not mine...

3. Another part of this was not wanting to be a hypocrite. What do I mean? Well, didnt my wife willingly participate in adultery? well, of course. Well, now that we were in recovery, I still wanted the Troll to suffer excrutiating pain. Well, if I was going to be honorable and consistent...didnt that mean that I had to do the same for my wife? Well, of course. You see where I am going? It is the same situation with the adulteress with Jesus. The crowd wanted to stone her, but where was the man that was with her? He should have been right there with her. So, I quickly realized that my wanting retribution on the Troll meant that I would have to seek retribution on my wife. And that basically shut the whole thing down.

4. Lastly, I wanted to know about my anger. Was it wrong if I was forgiving these people to still feel angry. And again, through a series of books I read and thru some sermons and prayers...I basically realized that not only was my anger justified...it was normal and healthy. Of course I was angry...I had a right to be. These folks hurt me and my kids. But I began to realize the difference between righteous anger and hatred. My wife even recently asked me if I hated her. I said no. She asked if I was still angry about everything that happened. I said "yes." Remember this kind of anger isnt what we see as anger. Instead, what I am talking about is an anger that looks at what happened in the same light today as I saw it when it happened. It is just as wrong today as it was 10 years ago. So, understanding that anger was okay...even while forgiving...helped set me free.

You are doing a great job. You know He is in control. Which makes it easier...because He has all of the responsibility to work this out for your good (remember, He promised that!!). Your only responsibility is to comply and follow.

And that may not be easy...but it is VERY simple!