SW,

I too speculate a lot, but it gets me nowhere. You need to focus on what you can do to meet ENs in your Plan A. Learn from my mistakes and you can put together a great Plan A. Maybe you could reach out to MIL and establish a communication with her so she remembers what a great guy you are. That might get her to talk to your W on your behalf without you asking. Just a thought.

You don't need to text multiple times per day, but I don't see anything wrong with one per day. Maybe you could ask her how her day was. I text in the morning so she starts her day off thinking of me in some way and then at night so she goes to sleep with me on her mind. I don't know if it has any affect, but I know it has more of an affect than if I don't text her.

I've also been calling more than I usally do to personalize my conversations. We talk on the phone at least once per day. It's only a minute or two, but she can hear my voice and tone. There's a human connection there.

Focus.

What are your wifes top 4 emotional needs?
From Dr. Harley's list.

Identify them.

Then we will help you with ways to meet them.

Get focused.

Lexxxy, where is the list of ENs?

Here you go Link to EN

Thanks GJM & BH.

What is my W thinking? How can she not try and stay in the loop with the kids? I just scheduled DD today for the conference to sign up for sophomore year in high school. Scheduled for this Thursday. I was thinking tonight I need to text WW to let her know. Ironically, DD just texted W that I had scheduled the conference and that I would be getting her the information. So right now I'm behind the 8 ball.

Sure enough, WW texts me and says "please keep me in the loop with the kids. I understand DD has something something Thursday for scheduling? And is DS still thinking UW Milwaukee? When is infromation day?"

To which I think.....Hello? You don't know that our son is still thinking about going to UWM? This is what irks me. Out there in fantasy land, apparently not too concerned about the kids. I know they live with me, but come on, you're 45, time to come back and join the human race.

I would think she would want to be right in there with all aspects of DS's senior year. I'm going to be the responsible one to do the taxes, while all she will do is spend her half, while mine will go towards something important like homeowners insurance, or DD driving school. I will be the one looking into financial aid for DS's college and she will just be asking me questions.

Some day she will wake up and truly realize that she messed up DS's senior year, AND missed pretty much his entire senior year herself.

Just messed up. I guess someone has to be the responsible adult.

So I text her the schedule and mentioned that I was going to let her know the information, but DD beat me to it (I just found out today myself). She replied "Ok....seems like they beat u to a lot of things."

To which I think, well if your butt was home where it belonged and you acted like a real mother, then this wouldn't be a problem would it?

Was thinking before all this that I would text her DD's schedule which would maybe lead to some nice conversation. Guess not. This is why I'm easing into Plan A. Sometimes her attitude bothers me, and I just need to step back and ignore.

Some days you just can't win.

You're not obligated to give her half the taxes. She moved out. There's no court order. Look out for you and the kids.

My WW just texted DS and wants to take both kids out to supper after DD conference on Thursday. So I do the work, schedule the conference, and she takes advantage of the timing to take the kids to eat, but not all of us as a family. Comments to me for not telling her [right away] about DD's conference, yet I guarantee I will not find out about her taking the kids to eat till Thursday night.

GJM, it's good that your W includes you.

Sometimes I wonder whether my WW is even worth a Plan A.

SW,
I wondered the same things. My W put me through hell in November and December. You have to remember that your wife is going to do things to make you upset. If you can stand by her side while she is fogged out, when she comes out of the fog, she's going to thank you for not giving up on her.

The woman you see is not your wife. Focus on the Plan. I get 2x4d a lot because I do the same things you are doing, but I can tell you to learn from my mistakes. My W and I do stuff, but it's because I'm proactive. She called me a stalker and said I would do anything to get my way. I don't give her so much space that she doesn't think about me. I text daily. Some times she's annoyed, but I'm still there being kind and sweet.

Follow the plan.

Hi stillwaiting1963,

I've been reading your postings and for what its worth want to give you a bit of encouragement. The vets here know this better than us, but things can get better by working the plans and doing the best plan A you can without expectations. In my own situation the fogbabble my WW said in the beginning to me was beyond belief, as was her callousness, history rewrites, etc. I look back now 5 months later and still can't believe she said and did some of those things. She does not even seem to remember it herself.

Work the plans. There are no quick fixes, but days will become weeks and weeks will become months and then you look back and the progress is clearly visible, either way. It just wasn't visible at the time.

I wish you well.

BH

As others have said, she is trying to upset you. Not only that, she is trying to bait you into a fight. Don't buy into it.

Pass the info and nothing else. Don't let her dictate the mood. YOU dictate the mood.

Just wanted to send my support and tell you that you are doing a great job being strong for the kids, they may not say anything but they will know and appreciate the time and effort and selflessness you are showing.........years from now they will let you know they noticed and are thankful you stood by them when they were transitioning into adulthood..........
I agree all you have to do is pass the information when you feel like it, your ww will know if she was hands on she wouldn't be out of the loop, it is not your job to help her be a mother that's her job.
Sometimes you just need to be still and only focus on what you do and your life, just do what GJM and Blackhawk do, be sweet, stay connected and let the events a family can have together draw her back, when you are together, be that man she married.......It takes a lot of time to defog and for them to get their logic brain back...........Don't be angry or disappointed, it isn't the woman you married. it still is the fogged out alien that took over your wife.........
Plan A, look good, smell good, no expectations........do little things she won't expect....it will make a big impact, don't expect any thank you's for now......
the rollercoaster is tough, keep your limbs in so you don't break anything.......
your a good dad, remember that and a good husband and someday she will see that too......

GJM, BH, H3, Jessi - thank you so much for your support and words of encouragement. Sometimes I have to step back and remember that we're all in the same boat.

I realize now that you all keep me grounded - and that's good.

What are her top emotional needs - and what are you doing to fulfill them?

That is how you have an effective Plan A.

Focus.

Blogging about text messages and how she's not there but you are IS NOT PLAN A.

This is how I would rank her top emotional needs. I could be off on one or two. If I understand correctly, you want to meet the emotional needs pre-affair, correct?

Admiration
Financial Support
Conversation
Family Commitment
Domestic Support

Let me try and explain why I chose these.

Admiration - my wife always wants to be the center of attention. Not to the point where its overwhelming, but certainly to the point by outsiders that it's an obvious trait. I feel she looks for external validation.

Financial Support - Even though we didn't manage our money well,she never offered to jump in and take over the bills (well, once she did for maybe 2 years). So I feel she is the type that just wants to feel comfortable with someone else taking on that responsibility. Also, in the EN description, it asked 'does a person's income or wealth make him or her more attractive to you'? My wife has a cousin that owns his own business and they always travel. My wife has always commented on this. My wife has a good friend (divorced) who is dating a guy that owns his own business and they also travel. The OM is a co-owner of a family business. My wife says she's not materialistic, but I think to a large extent if she's not, then she wants to be. We always had to have nicer things, not overly expensive, just nice or new. However, she is nostalgic and likes old and used things as well.

Conversation - my wife is very sociable. I think this relates back to her need for admiration, external validation, and self centered (somewhat). We would have conversation, sometimes deep topics, but more often just average conversation. We never avoided talking with each other, I just think that maybe both of us were a little immature in the need to have mature conversations that were more meaningful.

Family Commitment - my wife was a wonderful, caring, and nurturing mother. We both went into parenting mode, not paying as much attention to each other as we should have. Never neglecting each other (I thought), but definitely not doing the date night or other little things like we did for each other pre-marriage. This was one of the things she claimed I did - spent too much time with the kids. That may be, but I also know she spent an EQUAL amount of time with them. We did everything as a family while the kids were growing up. She brought this up the spring of 2010. That year we did everything together. Date nights, went out on the town, held hands, made out like teenagers. To the point that our family was asking why we were so mushy. We were doing fantastic I thought. Then it all started falling apart by late spring/early summer 2011.

Domestic Support - my wife needs to keep a clean house. We all knew that Saturday meant help mom out cleaning and laundry. While we did that, she would often be pushing us to help her regardless. Got to the point where the kids and I didn't look forward to Saturday rolling around. I always made sure I helped her with cleaning & laundry. Were there times when she did both of those without my help? Sure. But there were also times I did that alone without her help. And I cooked about 80%-90% of the time and didn't mind. I like to cook and she always said she would rather I did than her.

NOTE: I feel that Affection could also be in her top 5 ENs as well. I would always given her back rubs, foot rubs, flowers, gifts, remembering little things she likes when shopping and getting them. I love holding her hand, but we didn't do that so much these past years. Not that I didn't want to, I guess I would just not think about it as much. The year 2010 I mentioned above in Family Commitment, we held hands a lot, and I feel she liked that. I would always hold the door open for her. But even though I did a lot of these things, I question just how important they were to her in order for her to go start an A. But I wanted to touch on the Affection EN.

I feel pretty confident that I chose the ones that are most important to her, and that I ranked them fairly correct.

Now as far as fulling them:

Admiration - Now that she's moved out, I'm not sure how I can meet this. Plus, I think know she likes attention from other people.

Financial Support - if her need to have someone with more disposable income is a big one, then I'm not sure how I can meet this. I make a good income and together we did really well. But if she's looking for someone to just throw money at her, or where she doesn't need to worry so much about it, then I'm SOL.

Conversation - I'm attempting to slowly work normal, non-kid/financial conversation back into my texts with her. I'm hoping she will open up more and reciprocate. Because of what I've been through, I am very apprehensive to just call her up and talk (sad isn't it?).

Family Commitment - I take care of the household and kid's needs. I'm trying to find things to do as a family and showing her this, so she can perhaps see what she's missing out on and think about things.

Domestic Support - not sure about this one, other than taking care of the household.

I guess that's it for now. Hopefully I provided more information to work with.

Have you read this?...I think some how you need to out compete this man for your wife as stated in the article.

What to do with an unfaithful wife

I've had a double whammy from this whole ordeal. 1) the POSOM is not married, 2) the POSOM is a co-owner of a business. So I never could do a OMW exposure (which have the best outcome).

While I do not know his financial status, it is apparently greater than mine to attract her to him. However, he has not taken her on trips, etc., and tend to just do things locally.

So I'm not sure how to directly compete with him. I've got 26 years of history and kids with her, that's the only real positives I have on my side.

If someone else who's been in my situation has some good ideas on 'angles of attack', let me know.

I wish I could give you better advice SW...I hate seeing others in my shoes. It's a cold world we live in. It's hard to believe how bad things have gotten over the years. I fear for my children when they get ready to marry the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with.