Holy smokes. You're out of my league now.
Others have talked about this type of thing but I've never been part of the discussions, so I don't know what the general rule of thumb is on countering this sort of manipulation and intimidation technique. It sounds like your stbx is simply insane.

Hopefully the facility she went to is used to seeing the "real" thing as opposed to the "I'm trying to get custody of my children so I am here to trump up some false charge designed to bamboozle the court system." I hope someone there is trained enough to know she's faking it.

Has she ever filed a police report against you? Have you ever had a restraining order against you? Have you ever lost a job due to inapproprite/aggressive behavior in the workplace?

I would expect your lawyer will know how to handle this. My guess is her little stunt is going to amount to nothing more than a massive infusion of resentment (towards her by you AND your children) as well as a huge increase in the lawyers bills on BOTH sides.

Hopefully the truth will prevail; as it usually does in the end.

~opt

SBT

Your chidren are teens right?

Not sure there is a standard way or general rule to deal with this. You can't control her actions only yours.

Unknowingly to me my XWW told our small neighborhood the same story along with me trashing the house and being a lousy providor. When I finally did find out I opened the house up and let a few neighbors walk through. Told them to walk through-open any door or drawer they wished to see the distruction I caused.

They laughed at her from that point on.

My XWW went to some type of group but it was short lived because there were no police reports or hidden secrets she could use. The "real deals" were there and saw the BullS/manipulation right away from her.

Simply when I stopped playing her manipulation game she did not like it. When I took stands on what I believed and expressed it in statements to her ( not AO/DJ's) she did not like it. It was hard for her to gain support from anyone except bar friends/low lifes and D'd people who basically went down the same road as her. (Wayward/probably alcoholics)

More than likely she (your WW) is sinking to a new level. It is not one that flatters a person.

If you don't have a VAR get one today. I know you said she found one and her lawyer has it.

If you can put a recorder in a common area of the house or other strategic areas do that also. Be creative when hiding them. Velcro allows you to hide them in unique places.

Document -your handwriting/dated -every day and get copies to your laywer on a regular basis so if they are found you don't loose everything you have. Just document pertinant facts about the whole day without your emotions or opinions. If something is an agreement you made with her and the agreement was violated note that. Just try to write it like a newscast w/o feelings or emotions. Like a third party observer.

Have trusted friends or relatives at the house as often as possible that would be willing to give statements if it came to that point.

Have you cooperated with the custody study officials? Usually they observe you in the home. Has this been done? If there is nothing to hide then there is nothing to worry about.

Wouldn't hurt to talk to the local police and ask their advice what you should do if she tries to manipulate cicumstances to get a DV charge against you.

This may be the point where she is trying to get to. Let the law remove you from the house.

Don't know if any of this helps. Just mainly wanted to let you know I am reading along and support you.

Remember-You can't fix crazy or delusional in anybody else.

ETA-No angry outbursts of any type from you around her or the kids. Bring it here or find a support group IRL to take that to.

nESRE

I'll respond to all this a little later.

There is nothing to hide. I have no history of controlling or abusive behavior.

Makes nESRE's suggestions even more powerful. They say the one with the most paper in court usually wins.
Divorce (and the separation phase prior to it becoming final) might be your path to a good plan B which I am starting to think you need desperately.

opt

I have no history of this type of behavior either, but in our counselling sessions, WW complained that she felt that I was very controlling, and she was always afraid to speak up because I had to have my way. This is the same crap sho told POSOM. Funny thing, though, after a few sessions, the MC said he saw no sign of it. Standard wayward talk. She also referred to my 'emotional abuse' of her from time to time.
She never went as far as your WW, though. Be very careful, my friend. Record every conversation that you have with her if there is no other witness

I meant to ask Sbt, and I realize this may be ridiculous, but how would (or does) she respond when you ask what it is that you do that she construes as abusive and controlling?

I never really understood what "controlling" behavior was. Manipulative yes, but controlling I just don't get.

probably not productive, but I really am interested.

opt

okay, I have the answer - the first 5 chapters of Lovebusters. It was all on the radio show today. DJ's, AO's, and SD's.

opt

so............Sbt, any of these going on? or is more like Linus's stbxww? I was accused of "controlling" behavior, but I don't believe I ever got any specifics on which behaviors were controlling (although I definitely had a hx of AO's.); during her affairs the controlling behavior was anything that involved me not supporting her adultery.

I do need it - but don't want it - at the same time. It's also impossible without an agreement regarding the kids and we are very far apart on that issue.

Well I've stayed away from some of these specifics in order to avoid detection on these boards but here goes anyway.

What she has seen as controlling and abusive in the past...
Apparently her life was constantly revolving around me... Not my view at all.
I told the kids about her affair... Abusive.
I confronted her and tried to put together an intervention when I discovered she was taking thousands of Vicodin per year... Abusive and controlling
I filed a complaint against her doctor who was prescribing all that vicodin... Controlling.
I took pictures and documented her alcohol consumption... Controling
I recorded our conversations... Controling.
I confronted her about her alcohol consumption and hiding bottles of vodka around the house... Abusive and Controling.

Alonon has taught me that some of those things actually are controling because I ended up shielding her form the consequences of her own behavior. But at the time I was gravely concerned about her life and the safety of the kids.

Sbt, I'm truly sorry. Especially now, having not read your original thread. That's my laziness and I really should have taken the extra time. I didn't realize there was addiction going on.

So, unfortunately, as you know, Dr. Harley is very clear that none of this really works if there is addiction present. That is the first thing that needs to be cleared up for MB principles to succeed. That's my understanding.

Having more insight I would say that none of the things mentioned above fall under the first three Lovebusters (or could be considered controlling by MB philosophy). I think alonon is a great organization and essential but I don't see how any of that shielded her from the consequences. But I'm no expert with alanon's philosophy.

Anyway. I stand even stronger by some of the ideas that have been offered to you (not just my own).

What I meant about plan B is that it could happen as an outgrowth of the divorce procedure which is usually proceeded by a separation ("cooling off") period of 3 to 6 months in most states. During that time the custody arrangement WILL have been established by you and your lawyers - it's a mandatory part of the process. Plan B for you could start the day the court agrees to the arrangement you all have hammered out.

I don't see her getting full custody if there is a documented history of pain med and alcohol abuse.

opt

Coincidently I believe she may have stopped both Vicodin and drinking just prior to the custody evaluation so now it's my word against hers. She claims now she never had a problem. I just want her to get treatment if she needs it.

The divorce will take time. Have your lawyer write in the separation agreement that further alcohol or abuse or prescription medication abuse will cause a re-evaluation of the custody arrangement, whatever that may be at the time (it will be the same for both of you, so it will be fair, and also very much in the best interest of the kids).
It's a small town right? Not much goes un-noticed.
If she was addicted and has not had proper treatment, she is bound to relapse during this process. Keep your documentation and continue to document everything related. Are you friends with her friends on FB? Someone's always taking pictures of stuff that might be helpful to you.

opt

I can't see ever being able to plan b. We are miles apart on custody. Now I'm hearing her atty say she may want to settle in order to get this over more quickly.

When does the sick feeling in your stomach go away?

And did you ever notice that a WS always surround themselves with people who are divorced or divorcing?

Funny you mention that. At the same time that my WW and I were having our issues around her engaging with OM on Facebook, her sister was doing the same. They encouraged each others Independent Behavior, etc. Her sister just got divorced also, of course.

When a person is doing something they know is wrong but won't admit it. They surround themselves with like minded people for "moral support" to justify doing the evil that they chose to do.

Maybe I'm a little slow here but I can't see how I would plan b before the d is final. This process is all new to me however.

.
no worries.
The divorce process usually consists of a period prior to the D being final. That period is essentially a trial separation, in my best estimate. It's when the conditions of the pending divorce are implemented -- separation of assets, child custody arrangements are put in effect, etc. This period is usually 6 months from my reading of other situations here (mine was 3 months but I think the judge was in a good mood that day).
IF that's the case in your situation and in your state, you could very feasibly start a plan B the minute one of you moves out. "I can't see you anymore; it hurts my eyes and causes too much pain in my heart that you have chosen another man. I need to heal and I can't do that when everytime I see you or talk to you it rips open the wound again. I will talk to you through an intermediary, etc. etc." Scotty is the expert of Plan B, check her thread and get her input if/when you are ready.

I hope that helps, sbt.

opt

I spoke to my attorney. There won't be a time to implement a plan b before the d is final unless there is some kind of temperary custody order.