Excuses.

Hire someone.

He obviously knows a helluva lot more about what he's talking about than you do. There is simply no arguing this.

I agree. I take so much and then I snap, I think it comes from my childhood. I took it and couldn't say anything...so now I take it until I snap.

What kind of prepaid phone? WHo is the carrier?

Stop blaming your childhood for everything.
It's not because of your childhood.
It's a choice you make today.

It's a Tracfone.

I think it is.

Dr. Harley told me I needed to work with an anger management program before I could have a good marriage.

Here's the quick blowdown on anger management, in just a couple easy minutes:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=238

Have a listen at that link I posted, take note of what Dr. Harley's first rule for anger management is, then come back here and reread what you wrote.

Goldi,

Reading your posts I notice that you seem to say very little about your BH, perhaps you should read some of the BH threads on MB to get an idea what he feels.

Your past is relevant, I would guess, in that having a childhood like you did would often make a person very self aware, if only for your own survival, at the expense of their awareness of others.

You may be able to recover the data from the tracfone memory.

God Bless
Gamma

tracfone has a sim card. Get a sim card reader and recover what needs to be recovered. Sim cards readers are cheap.

Thanks Markos.

My little one was listening to this and actually started laughing and POINTING at me! ugh..

I will look into the sim card. I have no idea what that is, but I'll call them.

Hubby is home- going to spend time with him.

Dr. Harley on Admiration

Dr. Harley on Admiration

Admiration


If you have the need for admiration, you may have fallen in love with your spouse partly because of his or her compliments to you. Some people just love to be told that they are appreciated. Your spouse may also have been careful not to criticize you because criticism may hurt you deeply if you have this need.
Many of us have a deep desire to be respected, valued and appreciated by our spouse. We need to be affirmed clearly and often. There's nothing wrong with feeling that

Learn to meet the need of Admiration
way. Even God wants us to appreciate Him.

Admiration is one of the easiest needs to meet. Just a word of appreciation, and presto, you've made someone's day. On the other hand, it's also easy to be critical. A trivial word of rebuke can set some people on their heels, ruining their day and withdrawing love units at an alarming rate.

Your spouse may have the power to build up or deplete his or her account in your Love Bank with just a few words of admiration or criticism. If you are affected that easily, be sure to add admiration to your list of important emotional needs.

Back to Emotional Needs

The Most Important Emotional Needs


As soon as I realized that a large Love Bank balance triggered the feeling of love, I went to work trying to discover what spouses could do for each other that would make the largest Love Bank deposits. I would ask couples, "What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?" That very question focused on a core issue in marriage -- the issue of care. I could have asked the question, "How would you like your spouse to care for you?" As it turns out, care in marriage is doing what it takes to make each other happy.

When you were married, you and your spouse both promised to care for each other, and you expected that care from each other. You were in love, and you were highly motivated to make each other happy. But it might not have occurred to you at the time that if you didn't care for each other the right way, you might lose your love for each other. And along with your loss of love, you might lose your willingness to care for each other.

At the time, you probably did not know what caring for each other the right way meant. You thought that your commitment to care for each other would be sufficient to sustain your love. Even today, you may still be in the dark as to what it takes to care for each other the right way.

If that's the case, let me explain to you what care in marriage is: To care the right way, you must make large Love Bank deposits. And I've found that the best way to make those deposits is to meet each other's most important emotional needs.

What is an emotional need? It is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment, and, when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration. There are probably thousands of emotional needs. A need for birthday parties, peanut butter sandwiches, Monday Night Football, I could go on and on. Some people have some of those needs while others have different needs. If you feel good doing something, or if someone does something for you that makes you feel good, an emotional need has been met.

But not all emotional needs are created equally. When some are met, you may only feel comfortable--they make small Love Bank deposits. There are others, however, that can make you feel downright euphoric. In fact they make you so happy that you're likely to fall in love with the person that meets them. I call those our most important emotional needs because they make the largest Love Bank deposits of all. And those are the very same emotional needs that a husband and wife expect each other to meet in marriage.

By now you can probably see where I'm headed. My first goal when counseling a couple is to help them identify their most important emotional needs. Once those needs are identified, I help them learn to meet those needs for each other. I want them to make the largest deposits possible into each other's Love Banks. If all goes well, they begin making those large deposits and eventually they are in love with each other.

When I first began using this approach to saving marriages, I didn't know what made people the happiest in marriage -- I didn't know what emotional needs would be the most important. So I had to ask hundreds of men and women that question, "What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?"

As spouses explained what they wanted most, I classified their desires into emotional need categories. And almost all those I interviewed described one or more of only ten emotional needs as being most important to them (admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment). Very few ever named a most important emotional need that was not included in this list of ten.

I also made a revolutionary discovery that helped me understand why husbands and wives tended not to meet each other's most important emotional needs. Whenever I asked couples to list their needs according to what they needed most, men would list them one way and women the opposite way. Of the 10 emotional needs, the five listed as most important by men were usually the five least important for women, and vice-versa.

What an insight! It is no wonder that husbands and wives have so much difficulty meeting each other's needs: They lack empathy. They are willing to do for each other what they appreciate the most, but it turns out that their efforts are misdirected. What they appreciate the most, their spouses appreciate the least!

Pay close attention to this next point I am about to make, because it is one of the most misunderstood aspects of my entire program.

Everyone is unique. While men on average pick a particular set of five emotional needs as their most important and women on average pick another set of five, any given man or woman can and do pick various combinations of the ten. So even though I know the most important emotional needs of the average man and woman, I don't know the emotional needs of any particular husband or wife.

I'm in the business of trying to save all marriages, not just average marriages, so I encourage each couple to ignore what I say about average male and female needs and identify those that are unique to them. That way each spouse's list of the most important emotional needs reflects what he or she appreciates the most. When they meet those needs for each other, they create the greatest happiness, and trigger a mutual feeling of love.

These conclusions are reflected in my book His Needs, Her Needs where I explain how couples build romantic love by learning how to meet each other's most important emotional needs. Readers are encouraged to identify these needs by using the Emotional Needs Questionnaire that I provide at the back of the book. Then I encourage them to become experts at meeting those needs. This questionnaire is also available to you on this website. Just click, Emotional Needs Questionnaire, to discover the most important emotional needs for you and your spouse. Be sure to print two copies so you and your spouse each have one.

Take what? What I'm writing you is simple truth. You've purposefully hurt two people in the most horrific manner in which they can be hurt and you're trying to walk away and leave one of your intentional victims unattended.

You continue your childish tantrums by coming here and launching a blanket attack on people who volunteer their time to try to help others.

I haven't been here for years; I probably won't be. These people lined up to help me when I was going through the anguish your husband is going through right now. I'm trying to pay back what was freely given me.

Like the others here, I don't care about your childhood and all the bad things all those mean people did to you. You are an adult. You made an adult decision with the full knowledge aforehand that your actions were going to be extremely destructive to your spouse, your extended family, and the family of the pig with whom you rutted. I don't feel in the least compelled to shield you from the full truth and consequences of your adult behavior, regardless of your past.

I am interested in helping to repair the damage you've done. That first means we attend to your victims. Once that's done, you will have shown evidence of true remorse and repentance and the work toward your true healing can begin.

I stand by what I wrote earlier; it's even more clear a couple of pages on from the original assessment: everything you're doing is geared toward helping yourself. You still haven't shown one iota of concern for your victims.

(Okay. You get partial credit for agreeing to look into the sim card. At least it seems you're considering doing the right thing.)

I did the Intelius search and came up with nothing that I didn't already know, which was his cell phone carrier and the state he lives in and the city.

When I called Intelius to cancel, I asked why there wasn't any more information than that and she told me it could be a restricted number.

What else can I do?

I don't need anyone to shield me, I deserve everything you have thrown at me. I'm a big girl and you are right, I did make choices to continue what I was doing. I did know it was wrong and I have made a mess of things.

What can I do to help my husband?
He doesn't want to know details. He says things like, I'm killing him. He's always been pretty closed off and this has made it worse. Plus, we just don't ever have that much time together. I'm just making myself available for him, even if it's to sleep next to at night.

I have been thinking back to even before we were married, and he never liked being touched. He would want to have sex, but as far as cuddling or hugging or just touching him, he can't unless it leads to sex. He's always been like that. Is that typical for some men? I have always wanted to be affectionate without him grabbing private areas.
He is really the only man I have known as an adult. Just a question... I'm just trying to figure out how to get closer to him mentally. He's always been like it's him against the world, instead of us being a team.
I have only alienated myself farther away.
Does anyone have any ideas?
I ordered His needs Her needs. I'm going to order SAA. I was trying to find them on ebay. They are cheaper there.
I wish I had came here before I did what I did, I know that wasn't the way to make anything better.
Keep bashing me. I (we) need a lot of help.

The thing to be careful with here, Goldi, is that you don't use this in any way to try and justify your A.

Pre-A, my H was exactly the same way. He did not like me touching him or being close, and sometimes would get up and move away or physically push me away from him. Me, I'm a clingy thing, and I love snuggling up and holding hands and the like.

Now, the appropriate way for me to have dealt with my EN of affection not being met would have been for me to be O&H with my H about it. Or I should have decided it was unacceptable before M, and ended our relationship. Instead, I chose the absolute most inappropriate way possible to deal with unmet EN's, I had an affair. So I feel you there, coming here before having an A would have made all the difference in the world.

H no longer physically pushes me away, but I'm to the point where I am super-tentative about making physical contact with him. My H has always been a very closed-off person as well, but one thing those of us who wear our hearts on our sleeves have to remember is that often it's a protective response. Of course he will be even more closed to you now, and perhaps he is justifying that response b/c of what you did (I may be perilously close to making a DJ here, if so, I hope some BS's can weigh in).

Right now, though, your first job is not to fix the problems present in the pre-A M. Your first responsibility is to heal the damage caused by your A. You need to meet your BH's ENs, as much as he allows. Maybe that is not much right now...but do what you can. *If* your BH commits to a plan of recovery, then the two of you can create a plan to meet each other's ENs and build romantic love.

As to the OM, I would hazard a guess that a PI - perhaps one in the city OM lives - could take the information you have and track him down.