My head says "leave", my heart says "stay".
Which do I listen to?

So true.

Daisy, you have NOTHING to prove to him right now. You need to change? Sure, but he has A LOT of things HE needs to change. He isn't showing you the proper respect. He's blowing smoke up your butt.

Plan A until you need to Plan B(if he is unwilling to hop on board).

Your do NOT lower that bar. He does NOT control how this recovery will take place, or even if it will.

Have you read other people's threads? Waywards are so typical. They say and do the same things. And unrepentant ones do the same things, which is how we can tell you that he isn't serious about recovery.

If you want him to change his number, then he changes his number. Doesn't matter if the OW can find it easily, if it something that you have asked him to do, then he does it willingly. That is how you can tell if he is serious(and how we can tell he isn't). He should be falling over himself trying to figure out how to make it better. He should be asking YOU what he can do for you instead of asking you to change.

Daisy, have you read all of the material on this site? Do you want to have a marriage described herein? Are you willing to hold up that bar for recovery so YOU can have that marriage? If he isn't on board, then you walk down the path YOU chose, alone if need be.

You stay to plan A and then, should he not get with the plan to truly recover a passionate, romantic, monogamous relationship by words and actions.....heck...you go to plan B.

So, tell your head and heart to be still as you follow a logical plan.

Period.

In MB terms, your GIVER is saying "Stay" and your TAKER is telling you to "Leave" You need to have a balance right now. Plan A with all Giver, and appease your Taker by preparing for Plan B.

I have, and it all sounds wonderful. But I don't see my H being that kind of person, he never was. That's why I feel like Im chasing a fantasy.

I'd be happy to get the H I had PRE-PRE A. I saw him changing right before my eyes, I thought I was doing the right things to prevent him from becoming this monster. But instead all i was doing was LB. I know it's not right to blame myself, but I have to, in a way. I should've prevented this change years ago by being the W he deserved. If only I found this site back then, we wouldn't be in this position right now.

I'm not saying it's ALL my fault. He was doing A LOT of LBs too. But back then I could've approached him with the MB plan and maybe had success.

All along we've both wanted the same thing from each other but were trying to get it the wrong way. I happen to have more loyalty and morals than he does so I never strayed. Im not condoning what hes done, just regretting not doing anything sooner to prevent it.

This is one of the most horrible things anyone can ever go through in their lives. I fight with my decision daily. Everyone that I know that has had this happen to them has gotten a D. Why shouldn't I?

I know Im just wallowing in sorrow right not and thank you all for letting me vent.

I hope my WH proves worthy of my efforts.

You couldn't have stopped him from making the choice to commit adultery. That is ALL on him. He didn't "stray" he committed adultery.

I too looked here and thought that I could have a much happier and better marriage had I found MB earlier. I also thought that had I found it sooner, I could have had a recovered marriage. None of that was up to ME though. WE had an okay marriage, one where we both weren't doing things the right way, but the one major difference between him and I were he had weaker boundaries around the opposite sex.

I didn't actually think it was a big deal. I trusted him. He swore he wouldn't have an affair. WEll, no matter what I did or didn't do, he let someone else meet his ENs, and she filled him right up on it. I didn't have a say in it, because I sure as heck wouldn't have condoned this choice.

I want to tell you, as someone who has walked in your shoes, that it KILLS to be betrayed by the person who you love more than anyone in the world, the person who has vowed to protect us, and be FAITHFUL. It is scary to think that we would be without this person. WE start to look at ourselves as the reason that things went wrong, because we start to believe that if they were happy with us, if we had only been enough, they wouldn't have chosen adultery. Well, that is all WRONG. You are to blame for 50% of the state of your marriage BEFORE the affair. BEFORE. Once that affair started, the way that your WH interacted with you was from a place of hate, not love. He hated himself, and he hated that you made him feel guilty. Now, YOU are the enemy to his happiness. Well, tough tooties. He needs to buck up and choose to be a worthy man once again.

You will do your part, and you will fix what YOU need to, but it has NOTHING to do with HIS adultery choices. That is ALL on HIM.

Now, have you read up on Plan A? Have you read other people's threads to see what you should be doing, and to see how eerily similar waywards really are?

Hold that bar HIGH, because holding it lower will allow him to limbo right under it, and you'll be into a false recovery, which is NOTHING you want to experience.

All waywards say this too. What you've got on your hands is your typical run-of-the-mill blame-shifting, history rewriting wayward.

Vets what about exposure?
Is it too late for that?

The only way I know that wakes up a WS from the fog is Exposure, exposing the OW to her side and the WS to the BS and WS friends and family.

I don't see how Daisy is going to be strong enough to deal with this wayward until she recruits some help from her loved ones and ensuring the A is over by exposing the OW now that she has a name.

This WH is really gaslighting her and it's just so sad to watch as we all know here it's like sitting on the sidelines watching a train crash.

Daisy, you should talk to the OW's husband and find out what he knows.

I jumped into this thread late, has exposure not already been done? WHy not? Have you not spoken to OWH?

Scotland

No exposure to anyone at all, WH only confessed to A a few days ago since then been busy gaslighting Daisy. And Daisy did not have the OW details till today so don't know If OW is married but no exposure there either.

If you are a teenage gurl, you listen to your "heart" ["follow your heart" ] and if you are a grown up that can drive a car and wear high heels, you should listen to your REASON. "The heart is deceptive......"

You need to get the identity of the OW, expose the hell out of the affair and then go into Plan B. Your H is just gaslighting you. You don't have a marriage to lose at this point. I am sorry.

This is the truth and perfectly obvious to us. Do you need me to translate what he is really saying? Ok.



WH: I dont care about making you happy daisy. I dont care about the things you have asked me to do. I dont have to do anything you ask because you are a MONSTER and are really to blame for all this. I dont want to end my affair and you cant make me!



Stop talking about her becuase lying to you is quite difficult and stressful and I dont deserve to be stressed by a monster. I cheated - but you are the horrible one because you will not give me any space. Give me space to carry on the affair and I may fall half heartedly back in love with you and choose to keep you around (as well as the other woman of course).



If I throw you a bone and admit that your whining counts as atual pain (though not as painful as my putting up with a MONSTER) will you finally shut up whining?




Here is another bone. I feel perfectly safe saying you shouldnt take me back because it is perfectly clear you WILL take me back even though I refuse to make you feel at all safe and even though I cant even stand your whining.



I know that being unhappy is something that any grown up can fix with a reasonable conversation. However I am afraid of you because you are a monster. Calling you a monster is very effective at getting you to leave my precious affair alone. So you must be a monster if even you believe it.



If calling you a monster won't get you to back off - how about this terrifying threat? I will divorce you! This is a totally idle threat to get you to back off and LEAVE MY AFFAIR ALONE. Isnt it funny how I never bothered filing?



Daisy, love.

He is very insistent on carrying on this affair - every word out of his unrepentent mouth is incredibly entitled, proud and uncaring.

NB28, thanx for being on top of this. When I see a thread 20 pages in, sometimes I assume that certain things have already happened. Especially when the posters seem to be focusing on something different entirely.

Okay, Daisy, you need to get yourself into Plan A. Using the carrot and stick of Plan A, while preparing for Plan B. I apologize, I didn't realize how "new" you were to all of this, and focus needs to be put into killing this affair before anything else happens. Unless that happens, you will be living with a TONNE of pain, as you try to keep a HIGH as a kite wayward in your marriage. That's exactly what being in an affair is like. It's like a drug addict. You can't reason with an addict while they are high, so don't do it here either.

Click on the link in my siggy about Newly Betrayed and follow all of the links in the thread. It will explain about exposure. Also, you should click on the exposure link in MelodyLane's siggy.

Great post, indie. Daisy, your husband is a playah who is gaslighting you. He is not in the least bit serious about committing to a marriage with you.

Plan B is not leaving!

All Plan B is is a love letter. A love letter which says:

I want you

I want our marriage to be safe and fulfilling

You must do what is needed to make me safe.

When you do, this is where I will be waiting for you.

How is that leaving?

If the WS ignores the letter to continue their affair - they are the ones who left.

Quoted for emphasis. I don't want you to miss this.

We aren't saying this to be mean. It's the TRUTH, and you need to know what you are dealing with so you can know how to fight it. FIGHT that affair.

And you are not even getting that paltry request met are you?

In fairness to him it is very difficult to hug your wife and cling to the edge of the bed as well.

We want you to have your pre-A husband back. I am sure he was not like this. You would never have married him!

What makes him so different now? You? Your behaviour?

Hell no! Its the addiction. The addiction that makes all waywards act the same and do the same (you read the wayward script Pep posted - they are ALL exactly the same.

What is he addicted to?

Having two women meet needs creates a dopamine rush in the brain. Dopamine is more addictive than crack cocaine.

Will he give up this addiction by you asking him nicely, promising to be nice to him and trusting him not to answer the phone when his crack dealer rings his freely available number?

Why dont you keep up the snooping and find out for yourself.

But personally, I would go straight to Plan B in order to urge him to close the gates and get into rehab.

Are you going to tell BH and everyone else?

Do NOT tell your WH you are about to expose and expect him to be absolutely furious - that means its worked on hurting his addiction.

Indiegirl,
as difficult as it was to read, I needed your "translation".

everyone always tells me how nice i am, i dont think i have a malicious bone in my body.

thats why im having such a hard time with this. Im holding on to a memory of the man I married and refuse to see him for the monster hes become.

the confession, the tears, the acceptance, the kind words, and reassurance (probably false) have sucked me in.

this whole situation is draining me. I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders when he confessed. but am now very apprehensive to talk about the A with him because he gets frustrated with me. He doesnt want to be around all my depression and when I bring it up, that's what it is.

He keeps telling me "don't worry, you'll see and you'll know".
And I want to give him the benefit of the doubt while keeping vigilant.

Hes given me his passwords, her name, and sent the nc note.
But I have to agree with him on the fact of what good does all that do? There are plenty of ways to carry on an A. What else can I do but never let him leave my side. I have to be realistic. Everyday hes at work, do i think he could be contacting her? absolutely! You all know what they're capable of.

I'm not giving up, please don't get that impression. Im just exhausted and things are amicable between us right now. I knew he fell out of love with me. I can't expect him to be head over heals. Especially when I was hot on his trail and he finally figured he better confess.

I feel like im in no position to be demanding (right now). I need to win him back first. What good is a plan B if he'd rather be with her anyway? He told me that he cared more for her than me! So id be giving him a free ticket!

Im kind of going off the notion that if i had a feeling there WAS an A going on then i should be intuned to know that there isn't.

I know and want what you're all telling me, really. But i don't ever see him being that kind of H. He will feel trapped and will regress and rebel.

But if any of you have a nice easy way of bringing up a conversation with him so I can introduce the MB ideals without scaring him away, im all ears.