Ok sometime around 6 I started shaking and haven't stopped. Today has been very hard. He changed his Facebook marriage status to "it's complicated." He's definitely not liking this exposure. Though other friends have been supportive.

363,

Bravo to you. Maybe it's time to take a break and go to bed after you get a bite to eat.

It sounds like you hit major targets, and while this is terribly important, taking care of yourself is as well.

Get some sleep after you eat something. I, for one am very proud of you. You done did good, girl!

I KNOW those advising you feel the same.

WH should NOT like exposure. That is the point. And its great other friends have been supportive. Remember that. YOU are fighting for your marriage. Its a mantra. Repeat it to yourself and WH whenever he rears up about exposure.

Well done 3634! Rest, eat, drink (not alcohol!). Take care of yourself knowing you are doing what is right.

Oh, those squirrely little waywards! Yup, it sure does get complicated when you're boinking someone and your wife decides it ain't gonna happen!! LOL! Good for you, 3!

Look at it like this: he didn't change his status to "Yay! My wife knows about Skank but I don't care!"

What's the story on the exposure on OW's side?

So I need to prepare some replies to his madness. There's that one text but if he doesn't want to just get the box of his [censored] I packed for him and wants to talk, I say what? Something carrotty?

"This is reality, honest."
"I cannot enable this destructive insensitive behavior to anyone, much less to someone you apparently love. Radical honesty. Leave your keys. "
"You were very adamant on your 'utter disregard' for me. Well I exist"
"Nothing I've ever done deserves this abuse."
-- Too defensive?

"I need to protect myself. The affair needs to end. I want everything you want, just not the affair and not an end. I'm afraid for your safety [he's compared this to suicide before], We need to establish an intermediary for financial matters. Please don't even think of hiding your income from me."

I wouldn't reply at all!

How are you feeling today, my friend?

I wouldn't reply like if he comes over to get his stuff?

"I am being very open and compassionate, it doesn't mean that what you've done is anything but wrong. Thoughtful requests, showing you change, our life, have only led you to abuse me worse. Projecting this massive self-hate onto me & our life, drowning yourself in sex as suicide--I'm worried about your safety" I guess I shouldn't say that... But this is still Plan A, so where's the carrot?

I'm tired. Should go back to sleep.

3634, I wouldn't try to reason with him at all. If he gets upset, just say "I am sorry you are upset, I thought everyone should know about your affair."

If you MUST reply, reply: I love you and want to save our marriage. I will do anything to save our marriage.

So he sent me an email with all this technical stuff about divorces and asking me to cooperate with a divorce, saying that he doesn't need my cooperation anyway but it would make things easier. I am trying to find a lawyer to help me interpret that email.

My reply:
"I of course will work with you until the separation when we will need an intermediary. For now we can have contact.

I understand you feel that this is urgent. That does not work for me, and will not for some time. I am very firm on this. I will agree to a separation, and if you would like to do this with a mediator of some kind in a couple of weeks. Honestly no I have not looked into all this as you have. I am committed to our marriage. I packed your box yesterday and can have it on the porch for you to collect whenever you need, whether you bring friends or no. One issue is the keys to the house which I guess you could leave with xxx since you mentioned him. You are also of course, at any point still welcome to come back and start recovering with me.

While we are married everything is 50/50, so please do not think of hiding your income from me in a personal account. As for property I really don't know what you're referring to. Everything for me is exactly as you left it when you left on Tuesday.

I expect you to be angry right now, and I would prefer not to communicate until next week. I love you, and I don't think we should communicate while angry."

I don't know what to do. I need this to slow down. Advice please.

3634, I am no expert as are others on this site. One thing I have learned since my discovering my wifes EA/PA is how to focus on myself. Truly realizing that I can only control my own actions and not others has been the single biggest area to draw stength.

I have come to the point (and believe me it took many many months) in my life that I love me! I am happier with myself than I have ever been. Focusing on my actions and decisions every day..trying to be wise knowing that I have done everything within my power to be the best person I can be. That is all you have!!

You cannot contol what he does. You can however control you. If in the end it works or it doesn't, only time will tell. You can run to the 4 corners of this planet to escape others but there is no escape from you and your own conscious. Neither can he.

Have you ever heard anyone on their death bed say "gosh, I wish I would have lied more, I wish I would have cheated more, I wish I would have disrepected others more?" Of course not. We all have to make the best decisions for ourself day in and day out. What others decide to do is totally up to them.

I look at things as what works for me. Or what doesn't work for me. If he wants to file for divorce that is his choice. You have to make yours and he has to make his.

This is a extremely stressful time. I completely relate to exactly where you are at. Ask yourself, "what is the worse thing that can happen?" Write it down in detail. Really define it. You might find it isn't as bad as you think.

For most of us it is the fear of the unknown. You seem like someone who does have strengh. You will get through this ! You will. It took me the better part of 8 months to get my feet underneath myself and find the fortitude to say, "you know what, I am a good person, I have a lot to offer, I am going to be okay however this turns out." My prayer for you is that you can find that inner peace.

It will get better!!!

You are communicating too much with him, its exhausting for you. He knows what he's done!

Just pick a few key phrases and say them like a broken record

I do not talk divorce I only talk marriage

Adultery is wrong

Did you know that if you shave a polar bear it is black beneath?

Do you want a cookie?

Have you ever noticed that the word mouth sounds really strange when you think about it?

Your replies don't have to make sense, three. In fact its best they don't. All you have to do is stay cool calm and casual and don't engage with the crazy talk.

Art of War: When weak appear strong.

3634, just tell him that unless he ends his affair, he needs to move out because it is too painful. Let him know this will lead to divorce otherwise. And tell him you won't cooperate with a divorce.

I don't believe he wants a divorce, though, or he would have got one. Rather, I think he wants to bully you into submission. So you need to let him know that you agree divorce will be the outcome if he doesn't end his affair.

And do not say "i will do anything to save this marriage. " [sorry, CV] because that is not true.

CAlm down, you are doing great! Your H is furious and making threats because he has lost control of you. Don't pay it any mind!!

You're right. Not anything... I should have written "I will do what it takes"

Thanks for the correction

CV

"How big is this box? Can I take it on Public transit or do I need a friend with a car? I feel it's pretty inappropriate for you to pick a box of things that I can take, but I can acknowledge that there's a short list of things that I obviously need sooner than others and that those things are probably in the box already.

The property question is a specific requirement of the Summary Dissolution thing: we need to affirm that we have a joint agreement about how we will separate our actual physical stuff in order to move that forward"

I AM BEING INSPPROPRIATE?????
AS IF WE AGREE ON ANYTHING????

My reply:
"Any discussion of legal matters will go through my attorney.�
I need a copy of your tax returns over the past year and copies of documentation of all your income. Please do not alter them.�
Have a nice day. Beautiful weather today"

I was too mad to comment on the box and thought it better left alone. This guy is so f**** high. I couldn't think of something marriagey to say. I said it in the previous email anyway.

I should burn that box.

Oh, so now he's Professor Divorce, is he? Ignore that. Idiot wayward.
You're controlling this right now, hon, although you don't know that - YET.

Tell him you have NO intention of divorcing him. There's nothing to cooperate with. You will not be cooperating.

Repeat as necessary. That'll slow it down in a heartbeat.

Any talk on his part about divorce should be greeted with, "I don't talk divorce. I only talk marriage."

Repeat it as often as necessary and ignore any attempts to try to bring it up.

In other words, don't engage. He's huffing and puffing to get you to back off.

If he presses, say, "I will not cooperate with a divorce. You can leave if you wish."

Say it as if all is fine with the world and like you have better things to do other than talk to him. In fact, make yourself very busy. Whenever he tries to engage, simply start moving and looking like you're getting ready for something important or have some massive chores to do.

In other words, give him no importance. You're too busy alphabetizing your DVD collection or counting the hairs on the dog's butt to give him any time while he's acting idiotic.

If he behaves, then Plan A. Otherwise, ask irrelevant questions when he's talkind D.

He's coming over to get his things. I've put them in a box on the porch, changed the locks. Do I ignore his tantrums to come inside? Or do I say, what, "infidels not allowed in the marital home?" lol. He thinks this is about divorce, not the affair.

I would leave and not be there when he comes. Avoid the drama.

He'll text. Surely I'll be gone. So say nothing and let him find out the locks are changed?

So not "These are the consequences of your actions and your affair. I love you but unfortunately, in order to protect myself I cannot enable this destructive insensitive behavior to anyone. Everything I've said all along completely applies, but give her up or you are not welcome in our home, or to any of our marital things."