I just wanted to say that this is why I feel time needs to be dedicated to learning the concepts here. Even Dr. Harley said in yesterday's show that some of the LB's take weeks/months to eliminate and replace with better habits (I can attest). I agree with some that say to implement as you go along, but I think it's also good to give yourself some time to really develop an understanding of everything and how the concepts integrate with each other and how they apply and how others have applied them. I feel there's urgency, but I don't always see the urgency with working on the Relationship as much as urgency of learning as much as possible in a timely but solid manner, so that they can be applied to the relationship in confident and effective way.

Thing is, none of that paragraph has much to do with Plan A. So, you have more study to do. Not criticizing you, just making a point. Plan A is simply not LBing and making deposits as much as possible. You could LB by criticizing his parenting techniques, yes, but I feel you're mixing concepts.
And what I said about giving up parental rights and responsibilities in divorce holds true in my opinion, it's just a sad truth.

Also, as for MB and SF. In a relationship, the spouse is the ONLY source of sexual fulfilment. You can interpret that anyway you wish in your situation I would say. I'm dating a woman and I would not want to think of anyone else in a fantasy.

I think your message above is quite good. You have a nice start on POJA there, in my view.

I would absolutely mention your implementation of extraordinary precautions and why you are doing them in your current situation. (e.g. you realize your boundaries have been lax and that lead to decreased self-respect and you don't want to carry any of that into your next relationship...). More reading when your ready -- "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.

FANTASTIC!!

opt

Might I make a suggestion? I've been following your thread from when it was in Divorced/Divorcing. You mention a number of times feeling anxious about certain things, and I would suggest you talk to a doctor about some anti-depressants. I've been on them since December and it has made a WORLD of difference in being able to handle all of the stress of these situations. It might really help you when you see things with your daughter that you don't like, you will feel calmer and not reactionary, and instead be able to think through how you'll respond to things. It helps dull the "fight or flight" that comes from stress. Just a thought.

It seems like you're making some great positive changes in your life...keep up the hard work!

HoldHerHand and maritalbliss, if you both ever get this message, I wanted both of you to know that I am putting some prayer into moving in July. I would like some constructive suggestions for a woman who is penniless (no joke, I am penniless, and am living off of a housing stipend from my GI bill, while looking for a job--all money went to debt-pay) who will need to make a move with money to spare (to live off of, once she gets to CA)...thank you.

optimism, thank you for expounding on that for me. I will be searching for the books as soon as I can afford it so I can really hunker down and soak this all in. Meanwhile, i will be "soaking" this info on Dr. *Harley's site here.

'Voyager, thank you for the suggestion. I am going to the gym my school has (part of my tuition pays for the student membership, so it'd be a shame not to go) and I am trying harder to eat healthier than I have in a while. I am learning of God's love for me everyday, along with who He is, in His Word, so, all this combined should help. He tells me to be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer, I should make my requests known to him (even though He knows)--and His peace will guard my heart and mind. I am learning to trust. Part of the reason I was wayward was because I was fearful. Afraid of not being loved--afraid of getting hurt and used again--that's why I started to wander...

But, I am beginning to change who I am inside--and part of that is learning to be obedient and help my physical body along, with physical, rigorous daily exercise.

I am one of the ones who strongly encouraged you to move in July. Your baby is your baby and she won't stay that way for long. Regardless of how your relationship works out with your XH, you will ALWAYS be that child's mother....there is no replacement for that. Go be her mother.

And I wish you the best in regards to the better person you are becoming.

Tahnk you Smilingwoman; I, more than anyone, realize that, inside every fiber of my being, through and through.

But, my request was one for constructive advice on how I could go about making that happen (since, up to now, it looks IMPOSSIBLE in my current financial state): How would you suggest a move cross-country to a woman who is penniless (most money has gone to pay her debts), cannot afford to drive her car because she is so poor she cannot afford car insurance, is looking for a job, and is living in her apartment through a housing stipend as part of the Gi Bill. I'm open for suggestions, thank you. When I get to CA, I will need money, not only to live in an apartment for at [i]least[i] two months while I look for a job (police jobs take a FEW months for hiring process), but to live (driving/car expenses, food, etc).

Do you have a job now? Is there anything to prevent you from getting a part time job? If you have one at some sort of major chain kind of place, sometimes you can get it transferred if you move.

There's no shame in menial work, and even a part time job can help you save a lot in five months time. Try to get something where you can save $100 a week, and by then, you'll have a couple thousand. When you get there, keep working, and that will reduce your expenses until you find something permanent.

I've had all sorts of jobs in my life...even after I had my bachelors I worked as a cook, a seamstress, and a substitute teacher. There's no shame in taking whatever job you can get. And there are only a few school situations where you can't fit a part time job into the equation...even when I was a single mother in law school, I had a part time job.

Usually the solution to no money is just to work!

Thank you Jennifer.

As I have said a few times, I am looking for a job. This is because I already have an understanding, fully, that the solution to no money is work. I have known this since I was old enough to work.

Edit to add: I love to work, and take whatever job I find to heart, and take it seriously as if it were a "mission" like I did when I was in the military--that's not the problem. The problem is, I am looking. And a couple of people here have suggested I pull anchor and leave, no planning, no questions. Well, I need a monetary resource to do that (I would assume that would be obvious and prudent and wise), and when I am here looking for a job, no money, plus need to save when I get one...it's like there's this "July" deadline, and I'm a bad mother if I don't have enough saved for a move by then, or leave right away before that.

So this is reality: I need to secure a job, whatever it may be (an ethically sound one though) and UNTIL THEN, I will not be able to move UNTIL I have saved enough to live of of for a few months plus car expenses (more than a couple thousand). That's that on that. Barring a miracle, that is what needs to happen.

Well, I get that you need some money. Will your XH not provide you with a temporary place to stay while you get on your feet?

Have you thought about cleaning houses to save money? Tell every body in your day to day life that you are looking for extra work....housesitting, dog walking, house cleaning....and tell them why! Tell them, I need cash to get back to CA to be a mother to my baby. People are often willing to give a hand up to young people who are trying to do the right thing.

Do you have any family who would help you out?

Let me look at this in a different way.
You are making positive changes in your life and developing positive habits which, when repeated, lead to deep character changes. (it's true). All for the better.
So therefore, your energy is going from whatever place it was, to a more positive nature.

I always felt that if I was doing the right things for the right reasons, and had some faith, then good things would happen.

For the most part that has been true. I also believe in the mind's power to create what it really wants, with good concentration and focus. I can't explain it and I know it sounds mystical, but I think it's true.
So, therefore I totally agree with the others. Keep your mind, heart, ears, eyes open for opportunities. You never know what one thing will lead to. I like the suggestion of being honest with people - play to the goodness of others and you are bound to have success.

As for the books. I would never admit it here, but I have found them used. That's all I'm saying.

Keep working hard, ES. You are doing good things. You are being a good Mom. It will take time, but you're going to be okay.

opt

SmilingWoman, thank you so very much for the job-hunting suggestions. I will add those things to my list! Dog walking is something that I never thought of! I need to find a job where I do not need a vehicle--so that is a suggestion I will totally leap to! I plan to post flyers around my campus. And here is where the good news of my night comes in: Tonight after class, one of my classmates insisted she drive me home ( I was going to walk 20 minutes in the cold rain, and she told me, "no!"); I know her a little better than a random aquaintence, so I felt okay with that, and gladly agreed. On the way to my apartment, we were talking about job-hunting, and she said, "Hey, did you know that the PD is hiring students?" She told me of a person there to contact, and I am stoked. It is right on campus, I do not need a vehicle (a MUST in my hunt), and it is even in my mileu (a the police department)! I hope to snag this one. Meanwhile, SmilingWoman, I intend to post flyers around campus of my request for working those jobs you mentioned. THAT is such a wonderful idea, and thinking outside the box ("box" meaning, regular jobs at businesses). Again, thank you.

Optimism, I am thanking you from the bottom of my heart for that recognition. That makes me want to work even harder!! I AM a good mom (all thanks to God's grace, forgiveness, love, and mercy to me), and I am praising God He is helping me become better, and showing me good friends here to help, and guiding me too, in my relationship with Him, giving me the wisdom I so DESPERATELY need in this time too.

Another good news. Last nigt, my xH listened to some of my concerns, and we had a good conversation. He and I talked about me getting a job there in CA, and he suggested I could fly up for an interview when I snag one from job-hunting (he said, after my graduation though). Well, at least he is talking about it! I was filling his love bank so much last night, it made me feel great too (is that bad, should I feel good doing that?)

I plan to read more of Dr. Harley's concepts. Taking notes...

P.S. SmilingWoman, xH is full-time in school, and living with his parents. He would not be able to provide anything for me...I am on my own.

Of course you should feel good about it! That's the whole point of all this...doing the right things and having everyone benefit from it.

Isn't it a strange conundrum that when we grow up in certain environments (mine with alcoholism and other dysfunctions) we have this mentality that only one person can be happy at a time? MB has taught me that not only can everyone be happy but it's simply natural when certain principles are applied (and others, like LB's, are avoided). A natural bi-product of doing the right things for the right reasons.

Happy to hear of your job leads, ES. I will continue to keep you in my prayers for a good outcome on jobs and living situation.

opt

How is it going, ES?

Very badly today. Here's an update:

I was able to Skype today with my baby, and xH was there too, as usual. I was not too wordy today, and was so tired of pretending everything is okay (I miss her and xH so badly). xH doesn't really respond to my texts, and if he does it is sporatic, and I'm left wondering. Anyways, here's what happened: I didn't put my all into the Skype meeting today, like I usually do--and in phone convo's too. xH sensed something was wrong, and I finally told him, "You don't respond to my texts" (as I was telling him what was wrong with me, I remembered the LB's, and that I shouldn't be telling him about him not answering my texts)

I wanted to turn my web cam around, and show him and my girl around my apartment (was excited to) and he said he saw most of it, don't worry about it. I was disappointed. My apartment is looking nice and tidy and kept...

I feel so much in need it's not even funny. After Skype, I just bawled my eyes out. How long do I give and give and give and give, and live with this guilt and try to pay "just compensation"--I'll NEVER get to repay for what I did! I'm in HELL!!!!

no job yet. Still looking/applying

You have been doing great at improving yourself in just a few weeks. You are at the beginning of your journey to the new you.

Your efforts are not in vain. Although you don't see the results yet, your plan is working in the background. It is like throwing pebbles into the water: they disappear, but you know by logic, that a heap is building under the surface. Now you have to keep throwing stones for a while, until you will see the heap breaking trough the surface.

This will take some time. And that can work in your advantage. You sound to me like someon who is spontaneous and can be enthousiastic about new ideas. That's good, but you must not get impatient. The time that you are working on the plan will help you to develop the changes you made, into habits. Once the good changes have become habits, it will be easier for you to keep them up, once you move, or are close to xH or are in stress and so on.

Keep building good habits an you will become a better person because of them!

Talmud:
Watch your thoughts; for they will become your words.
Watch your words; for they will become your actions.
Watch your actions; for they will become your habits.
Watch your habits; for they will become your character.
Watch your character for it will become your destiny.

Actions are the seed of fate deeds grow into destiny.
Harry S Truman

You seem to be doing a good job. Do not get discouraged. You can see this as a way to learn patience and to not alway say what you think rightaway. Just count to 10, so you can come up with a diplomatic answer.

Dissappointment can only appear when reality does not match your expectations.

I think is is a good sign in any world, if a man takes enough interest to 1. notice something is not right with you, and 2. ask you what is the problem.
Honesty is OK. Just tell him that you miss the two of them and you are hurting because of it. (But try not to weep with a red nose and snotter...) No need to tell him he did wrong.

If you like his texts, tell him you really appreciate it (if he has texted you), but not all people like to text so much, so it might just not be his style to do this all the time. (If you expect an answer to every text that would be a form of control.) Just see your moderate texting as your gift to him and do not try to force him to answer you.

You are on the right track,

God bless you,

Happyheart

I couldn't agree more with HH!

ES, I have been on vacation and also my internet is not working at my house. I read the above and have little to add. Stick with the plan, you are doing great things for you and your lovely daughter.

You're a little off base here. In a MB relationship, you absolutely must say what's on your mind. It's how you do it that keeps it from being a LB. No DJ's, or AO's, just openness and honesty. "I've been feeling a little discouraged that you don't tend to answer my texts. That's because I care about you and it makes me feel good when you do. I like that...." --- you get the idea.



opt

Hi optimism...

'Lot's happened.

One, my grandma died. She was a big part of my life. Just was with her *and talked with her on Monday, and then she died tuesday. Wanted to be with her Tuesday, and made my way over, but learned she died, while I was on my way. Saw her body...they took her Wednesday morning.

Well, I guess I took your advice, unknowingly about telling my xH my feelings. I was blubbering on the phone about losing grandma...about losing him...about missing our baby. My whole family left for the funeral, and I had too much here to "wrap up" on short notice, that I wasn't able to go. It really hurts.

I even asked my xH "Would you consider making me your wife again?" Yeah, I actually asked him that. Point blank. He took a moment and said, "___, I think about those things all the time..." I don't know if that is something to be happy about or not, but I told him it's good to hear that.

I haven't visited here for a while. Just a short update.

I'm sorry to hear your grandmother passed away.
What a blessing that you had been able to see her the day before
she died.
Honour her memory by being the best person you can be.

and well, what your xH said does sound better than: never in my entire life... It could even be a good sign. He might have been subtly noticing the new you in your actions and behaviour. And if he has not conciously noticed, he will soon.

You will probably miss your daughter and xH more than ever at this time.
Allthough it is hard for you at this time of grief, try to keep up your new habits. There will always be stresses and distractions in your life, so this is in a way a good time to learn to keep things up when you are going 'through the valley of the shadow of death'.

May God hold you close,

Happyheart

(((EydisSteffanson)))