I'm having doubts about using exposure. WW has told some of her relatives and friends that she is having an EA, although it really is physical as well. I haven't told anyone yet.

I'm worried that my relatives will hate her if I tell them. WW has freaked out just from the thought of me telling them, so I know this is a sensitive spot for her; telling them would make her furious. This makes full exposure very tempting.

Then again, she might be right. They might start to hate her. Is exposure really that powerful tool that the benefits outweigh the costs? What kind of negative outcomes have you gotten from using exposure?

The only negative outcomes to exposure would be to the affair itself. Sure, it is embarrassing, but a cheater should be embarrassed.

If your family "hates" your wife for her affair, that won't be because of exposure, but because of her affair. If she doesnt like that, then she should stop cheating. That is a consequence of her affair. Adultery affects the whole family and, naturally, it is very upsetting to family members.

If that bothers your wife, then she should stop doing the thing that causes them to be upset and make amends.

You should stop protecting your wife from the consequences of her affair. She is not a child who needs you to enable her wrongdoing.,

Hey Sir Long

My relatives are a feisty, unforgiving lot. When I exposed I was CONVINCED they would all hate him.

In spite of the fact that he is unrepentent and kept on going to see OW - they dont.

They are amazed at this behaviour, told him he was crazy and to work on the marriage.

They supported my marriage. Thats what they were concerned about and would support recovery today if it were on the cards.

If they love you they will urge her to do the right thing.

And your W should NOT know about any impending exposure.

It is unacceptable she is free to lie to her relatives about an 'EA'. expose ASAP

Exposure is not to punish the WS. It is designed to end the affair and make the wayward face the consequences of their actions.

Not exposing enables the WS to continue her cheating ways. Click on Melody's link to Exposure 101 in her sig.

And when you expose and WW gets angry... good. It shows your exposure was effective. As many a vet has said, your marriage can survive your WW's anger, it can't survive a continued affair.

Let us know your exposure target list.

When I finally exposed, I was like...reborn, I felt better than during many months before. And guess what - my wife reborned also from that moment.

I do understand this "hate" thing but this fear is totally irrelevant when you are trying to save your marriage.

She is freaked because she knows - from the moment the affair comes public, the affair is doomed.

Is there OMW (other mans wife)? If there is, she will be your most important exposure target besides your relatives!

Thanks for the advice.

I haven't done things "the MB way" because I found out about this site too late. I'd like to expose ASAP, but right now we are in a slightly different version of dark plan B, scheduled to end in a week. All communication between us is prohibited until then.

What do you think? Should I expose right now, during our dark plan B, or wait for a week, see what plan B has caused and then expose if necessary?

Before our current very short plan B, she already left OM twice and OM has left her at least once. And all of that happened in three weeks! One moment she was ready to leave me and few hours later wanted to come back. She really has problems with addictions and is obviously in thick fog.

My exposure target list:

WWs parents and two brothers.
My mother and sister.
Our coach. (OM is in the same sports team)
Her friend with whom she has talked for hours.
I can't really think of anyone else. We are a bit antisocial.

No church, no facebook, no OMW, WWs boss wouldn't care.

It sounds like you're in some sort of agreed-upon situation. Can you tell us more about that?

Exposure doesn't end marriages -- it ends affairs.

I waffled for waaaaaaaaayyyyy too long before I exposed, and could've killed the affair for good 3 months earlier.

Almost a year later (March 9), my wife still THANKS ME for exposing, that it saved her (she was unable to end it on her own; even if we had divorced, it was a bad situation I saved her from) and it saved our marriage.

Expose...take it from a former very reluctant, stubborn BS (ok, still a bit stubborn ha, ha)....it works!

I think we all know the answer to this one.

Add OM parents and OM siblings to exposure list as well as the whole team including the coach's and player's spouses.

As do not be doing things the MB way because you found MB late is no excuse to not start doing things MB way now.

Do full exposure today. And tell these people that you need their support and for WW to end her trial separation today.

Tell your WW get her butt home today you are not going to accept any trial separation.

I would expose now. And I don't understand what you mean by "PLan B." Can you clarify? What you describe is not Plan B at all.

Please read the link in my signature to get talking points, and exposure tactics. Exposing is necessary regardless of what happens in a week. Can you find the OM's parents? That is a very potent exposure.

Sirlong

Read here: But you don't understand... A few notes on exposure

Don't misunderstand: She will be furious. She will be horribly mad. She will come at you with venom and tell you that it's truly over and you ruined any chance of saving things.

Expect it. It's a standard reaction.

OK, exposure is done. Let's see what happens.

I guess you are right about my "plan B". A trial separation was her idea and I was against it for a long time. I managed to lie to myself that it was my idea because I chose how and when. Good thing about this separation has been that I have gotten some distance to her way of thinking.

Her trial separation was a way of allowing her to cake eat.

The advice you have received is worth GOLD!!!

I didn't start on doing things the MB way either as I didn't find out about this site for awhile after the first DDay hit.

Fortunately for me, I found the site right after affair discovery and exposed immediately. H was upset and even told me I was going to be responsible for a murder/suicide.

Within days the affair was killed. Not too much longer and we began the process of recovery.

Exposure is an invaluable tool! SO glad you did it, SirLong!

You may not get immediate results as I did, but your chances of blowing up the affair are MUCH greater with exposure! Cake eating is the WORST thing you can do to save a marriage.

Who did you expose to and how? Did you ask for support?

SDIT,

Slight thread jack, The advice you have received is worth GOLD!!!, SirLong you have no idea how lucky you are to have gotten here so soon, many of us here have had really, really BOTCHED and ABORTED recoveries which went on for years.

Had I not blundered into MB and won 100 million in some mega-lottery, I would still have had a very unhappy wife, or been divorced and dating someone who would ultimately make my life a horror story.

God Bless
Gamma

All right, I'm going to start from the beginning, since I have made a lot of mistakes and find it difficult to start again from where I should: plan A.

We live in north Europe and the culture is a bit different here. We never got married, we are not religious and perhaps the whole idea of infidelity is considered more "normal" and "almost expected to happen sooner or later". Both of our parents' marriages ended in a divorce and had infidelity. Oh, and english is not my native language...

We started dating in 2000. We were both 18 and virgins. Moved together the same year and have been living together since. We've
had a good relationship, perhaps better than average. Biggest problem was always WWs difficult childhood. Her mother has a narcissistic personality disorder; she was the good girl who tried to please her mother. WWs father has retired because of his psychotic depression. Early on our relationship I noticed WW was supersensitive about what I said and did, almost as if she was afraid of me the way she was afraid of her mother. She never seemed to get enough positive feedback on how good she looked and so on, and at the same time seemed to interpret most of the things I said or did as criticism towards her. She never really opened up to me, maybe because she was afraid I might crush her when she was vulnerable, the way her mother did.

2004. She had a one night stand while drunk. She was in shock the next morning, crying hysterically and begging me to forgive her. She was in so much pain I thought she had learned her lesson.

2006. For some reason she was having a hypersexual episode in her life and I couldn't keep up with her libido. She had a PA for a few months that she failed to tell me about. When she did, we actually thought about having an "open relationship". After a few days we realized we couldn't do it so she ended the A and we moved on.

2009. She had a crush that never evolved in to a PA.

All these OM were older men. She felt dirty after the sex, but seemed to enjoy the attention she was getting. All this time we have talked and talked about her mother. Sometimes I felt like her shrink. I tried to convince her to get a real one.

2011. We turn 30. She has a very demanding job and a lot of time consuming hobbies. She is on the verge of a mental breakdown. OM (this time about the same age as we) had been sending her messages since 2006. She rejects them until fall 2011. It evolves in to an EA and she tells me about it. She cant sleep, feels unbearable anxiety and wants a separation so that "she can take distance from the both of us". I disagree about separation if she is still having A. We live in an apartment she got through her job. If someone leaves, it has to be me.

She can't seem to make up her mind. She is not sorry about it, doesn't cry and feels cold. EA turns into PA. I read some advice (but not enough) from several sources and tell her to stop the A immediately or I will leave her. Before she decides, OM leaves her and we enter fake recovery number 1. Things look good and I start to accept her idea about trial separation. Two weeks in to the recovery I find out she has contacted OM. I get furious and decide to leave for good. As I am packing boxes, she comes to me, crying. I tell her that I am still leaving unless she somehow manages to fix things. She leaves OM and we enter fake recovery number 2. Maybe a week later, she gets a phone call and hurries to her lover. In the morning we are both sure that it is over between us. I search for apartments. The next day, she wakes up, sees the boxes I have been packing and says that she can't leave me after all. She tells me that she knows that I am a better man for her, but that she just can't get rid of the love she feels for the OM. She says that leaving me would be a million times harder for her. We feel sad and hopeless. She has a one week vacation and I get the idea to give her some time and space alone and find a hotel for two and a half weeks.

I read more about MB and realize I have been doing things the wrong way. I decide to expose. Most people are on her side, urging me to give her more time alone.

I know I should go through plan A. Is that possible anymore? She is so fixed on the idea of a longer trial separation that she will just feel annoyed if I try to stay in her apartment for any longer. I have always been nice to her and avoided love busters. I guess you could say my whole life with her has been plan A. We have had a good relationship.

I think the fact that you are not married makes a significant difference. The expectations and commitment surrounding marriage are simply not present in a living together relationship. Really, if people have decided NOT to get married, they are not making the commitment to God (if believers) and to society (and their children, if they have them) to forsake all others and stay together for life. Therefore there is no moral or social pressure on them to overcome infidelity and other troubles and restore their union.

Living together is a day-to-day agreement, set up so that it can be walked away from without pressure.

Indiegirl: I exposed to her parents and two brothers, my mother and sister, our coach and a married couple in the same sports team. I tried to contact OMs parents and her friend but couldn't get through.

I told everyone the situation on the phone. I asked for their support, told them that I wasn't being spiteful and asked them to call WW, if possible.

WW spend the evening answering to the phone. My mother and sister spoke with her for hours. I don't know yet how she feels about me after this.

Our coach contacted OM.