My ex would become very defensive if I questioned her about her "male friends" and throw it back at me. She said she had every right to have friends that were men and that she could see them whenever she wanted. (I did not know what to think about that but now, I would say Goodbye!!!)

I read a good book after my divorced call "Not Just Friends". I highlighted sections and read them over and over. I then figured out that her EA's were affairs and out of the bounds of the marraige. But she always said, "They are just friends!".

You will get there also. Give it time and concentrate on you.

I can't answer that one... That is what I struggle with.

Not sure about the unlimited supply of money but I have accumulated lots of power tools!

In the beginning my ex was very defensive and I would know something wasn't right but I would believe him anyway. After a few years, he learned how to hide his defensiveness and answered any questions I had and assured me that nothing was going on. What I don't understand about me wanting to believe him was that *I* never had anything questionable going on so why should he? It took me getting out of it to see just what a dummy I had been.

I will tell you this - there are some good women out there. That's easy for me to say because I am one of them and I know. Now it's hard for me to see it on the flip side but I know it HAS to be true for men as well. I just worry about falling hard for the WRONG person so it's easier to not put yourself out there. I've asked God to drop the person He has for me in my lap please. And if there is no person, let me be happy with THIS LIFE I have now.

I don't know your story but did/do you have custody of your kids?

If I have learned anything from this site, it is not what my EX did to me, it is what I LET my EX do to me. I had no clear boundaries and I just stood dumbfounded when she would pull this stuff. I was in uncharted waters and did not know how to handle the situations when they happened. I did have the b$lls to contact 2 of her male friends when she was seeing them. But even then, I had no clue what to say. In hindsight, it was HER that I should have been concentrating on and not the guys she was seeing.

I did make marraige counselor appointments, but she hated going to them, and would just sit there and lie about everything. (And of course, I just let her lie...)

I read a good book a couple of years ago called "No More Mr. Nice Guy". The title sounds harsh but it is a great book. It focused on the nice guy mentality that some men have (me included). I thought if I was a good husband, and did not cause any problems, and avoided conflict with her, how could she not love me??? But really, what I projected to her was weakness (and correct me if I am wrong, but I think women want strong husbands). I know now that it is all about setting boundaries and enforcing boundaries.

Also though, there were other things she was dealing with for years. One was she was molested several times as a child by her father and I later learned her brother did some sick things to her also. I think this also played a role in the things she did as an adult.


We have 50/50 and my daughter is now in college. But I always got to see them everyday before and after school on their Mom's nights. So I have been very fortunate.

This was my prayer and it worked. I can attest to the fact that there are good men out there because I found one after my marriage ended due to adultery.

I have heard of that book....not read it but I hear it is good.

My dh had a similiar dynamic with his WXW. Even as the divorce was going down he just kept agreeing and agreeing hoping she would wake up and want to save her family. It didn't work.

Would this be a good read for a female? I love self-help books if they are easy to read and I can apply them to my life. I have a friend who recommended a book on how to communicate in your marriage (or relationship I suppose?) without using words or something like that. I thought about getting it so I could figure out what men were thinking but I'm so not there you know? I don't need to figure out what men are thinking at this point in my life. And another thing that disturbs me is why does marriage/relationships have to be so hard to where you have to read self-help books to figure it all out?

I hope I didn't hijack your thread. That was NOT my intentions.

SmilingWoman, you have given me hope. I expect someone to be dropping in my lap one of these days (well, after I find myself that is). ;-)

It would certainly give you some insight into how men think and what they want in a relationship. I found it to be an eye opener for me for sure.
Shoot me an email *** edit *** if want the book; I will mail it to you.

Good question!

I think some relationships are not hard. If you pick really well. If you have are compatibible in many areas, the relationship will be easier.

I'm not talking about compataibility the way Dr. Harley describes it: similiar interests, tastes, etc.
More like values, daily habits, neatness, risk tolerance, how you view the world, sense of humor, sexual chemistry, same world view and more. Much of this cannot be created just by spending UA together. In fact, UA can make it more obvious how different you are.

I think this is one reason arranged marriages have about the same success rate as unarranged.