This is one of the saddest posts I have ever read, but I understand completely what is happening. You and your children are living in the world of black and white and your wife and her enabling family are living in the kaleidoscope of "gray fuzzy" areas, where cowards are enamored with the retarded concept of moral neutrality. Well, moral neutrality only works when it is someone else's ox being gored. Our culture teaches that moral neutrality, aka moral cowardice, is a virtue. I feel sorry for your daughter. It is a horrible feeling to have your instincts about right and wrong dismissed by other adults; it causes great doubt.

Still,
Keep venting. This can only help you.

PI and Wes are both SO correct.

When a WW is in the fog, high on the drugs (remember what I told you is happening chemically?)she cares nothing about anything except her high. She is REALLY chemically high.

It will take time but POSOM will be come tired and your wife won't be worth the effort.

Please be sure to validate your daughter's feelings. I cannot imagine what she is feeling right now. Her mother has abandoned her. She will be scarred for life. You are her only chance at survival. She is at the most influential stage of her life. I teach 13 and 14 year olds and this is the time when they choose the path they will continue on.

Melody is so wise when she says that "moral neutrality only works when it's someone else's ox being gored."

Loved that line

You expose the heck out of the affair, and the W becomes too much trouble than it's worth for the POSOM.

I NEVER thought the fog would ever dissipate for my W...here we are in recovery, it took awhile...and, as we really don't talk about OM any longer (I promise Marital!), the funny thing is that my W will leave 'hints'...simple, common statements now and then that truly signify she has realized the true nature of the POSOM and his role in almost destroying our marriage (knowing her for so long, its easy to 'read between the lines' about what she might say about the whole A/OM...and it ain't pretty).

No fondness, just disgust.

Keep up the good fight.

That's me.........no fondness, just digust!

You can save your marriage if you keep doing what you're doing.

Everyone,

You have no idea how good it feels to both engage in and receive intelligent, stimulating, thought-provoking conversation from everyone on this site. By my very nature (analytical - remember TW?), I need this type of intelligent, logical communication to help me balance out and process the waves of emotion.

I'm thankful to receive that from everyone here, AND my wonderful, supporting family. Especially my parents and BIL's/SIL's.

I agree totally. Intelligent, thought provoking, wise.

Is this where a person would 'bump'on this site? Never really looked into the whole bump thing.

I have no idea if this is possible in our state, but I'm going to talk to my lawyer about what pressure I can apply legally to OM.

Wisconsin Laws On Adultery

Under Wisconsin law, if a married person has sexual intercourse with a person who is not his spouse, both parties commit the crime of adultery. Under Wisconsin law (WI Statute 944.16), adultery is a Class I felony.

The penalty for a Class I Felony is a fine of up to $10,000, or imprisonment of up to 3-1/2 years, or both; however, for a repeat offender, the term of imprisonment may increase up to 2 years with prior misdemeanor convictions, and up to 6 years with a prior felony conviction.

Still,
I found that this site and this bunch of people brought out many ideas and thoughts I never considered myself and I too need to weigh it all out before chosing my path, it was very helpful and encouraging........
You have come so far already and you have conducted yourself in a very smart intelligent way.........
Affairs are hard to deal with and trying to control the emotional part is exhausting....but just keep the big picture in the back of your mind with each decision.......the kids come first right now, your wife is not making decisions that have their best interests at heart, you have to.....you are the sane parent right now.
Just remember to be still once in a while and wait and see what happens.....
There is a lot going on you aren't privy to and that is the element of confusion for you, but if you watch and listen you could see and learn a lot......

Of course they paint a great picture.....they have to believe that ......
Otherwise they would have to admit the pain they cause.........being thoughtless and cruel is part of a waywards mind..........
ignore and move forward with your plan..........

Still the hardest part about healing from this nightmare is to "Be Still"

I have been living and eating this cesspool for 18 months now. I still today struggle to fully grasp what it means to be wayward.

I know who my husband was ... I know what my marriage was about ... I understand the troubles I had in my marriage ... I look at pictures and see a man who looked happy ... I look at old emails and read a man who loved me ... I know what my life was prior to this Adultery ... so why is my WH painting such a different picture?

It is called the contrast effect. This is what makes the logical versus the fantasy come to life.

My WH and I did have this life ... by my standards it was a pretty darn good life ... so what happened

He deployed and a willing and able wh0re came into the picture. My husband dropped his boundaries around her and they developed a strong emotional connection during the deployment and that was it ... my life as I knew it no longer existed.

How was my WH able to quickly fall in love with her?
How was my WH able to throw his entire life (homes, finances, children, friends, reputation, integrity, our 16 year history, honor, and wife) away to quickly?

Again the Contrast Effect ...

This is what creates the bubble fantasy ... this is how La La Land begins

My WH was able to quickly compare his sheltered life deployed with the wh0re(looks and acts like a porn star) to his crazy home life with his many many kids, his fat breatfeeding wife, bills, and responsibility ... this quickly created a distorted view of what his life will be like with the wh0re.

Of course his reality with her was awesome ... no kids ... no fat wife ... party when he wants ... do what he wants ... no bills ... no nagging ... no diaper changing ... sex whenever he wanted ... What a great life the two of them will have ...

Their lives were able to get entrenched because of the deployment. Like your WW --- they had no interference and could fall deeper and deeper in love They could continue bashing the betrayed spouse and building this fantasy life that is 1000x better (remember the BS is the reason the WS is so unhappy) ... The affair is so wonderful they wish they would have met years ago because clearly they married the wrong spouse.

How do you beat the Contrast Effect? You EXPOSE and you show them reality. The betrayed spouse must do everything they can to bring reality to the fantasy. Once the fantasy starts to crumble, the affair partner begins to crumble with them. The true colors of the person are shown and the wayward is able to see life through the fog.

Granted it is a marathon. In my situation, EXPOSURE worked, she dumped him. It didn't beat down the fantasy because my WH has new friends (her friends) and they still are friends. My WH is still in the fog and believing he can recreate the fantasy when his divorce goes through.

Continued contact between adultery partners continues to make the fantasy and affair alive ... it is hard for the wayward to break free because the longer they are fogged out and addicted the more damage that happens in the real world.

Where is my WH at today?

He is poor beyond belief
He lost everything (homes, reputation, honor, integrity)
His kids are growing to hate him as time continues
He is running as fast as he can today from his wife and kids.

The only way to successfully destroy the contrast effect is to destroy the affair and get the adultery partner out of the picture 100%. If your WW's OM is anything like my WH's OW, they are so selfish, stubborn, and pigheaded they would rather watch the wayward self destruct than to kindly get out of the picture. Which is life's ultimate travesty.

What does everyone think about getting this law accidentally leaked to the infidels without actually pursuing it? With all the exposure that's occurred so far they just might believe he would actually do it.

I strongly encourage Still to get a lawyer to draft a letter to OM threatening everything under the sun until the POS is gone.

I threatened the POSOW with lawsuits, RO's, my FBI friends, etc ... she didn't like that so much and dumped my WH.

PI is on to something -- have your lawyer send a letter to OM.
Even if you don't have anything to really threaten with, your attorney would probably be brilliant with something subtle.

The idea is to keep pressuring OM.

Maybe an Angies list complaint against his business?

What have you done about finding his parents?

When you fire a shot into OM's life, do you know what happens?
He complains about you to WW. He expects WW to make it stop.
He expects her to control you.

You should also consider confronting him directly.
Demand that he stay away from your family. Let him know the kids know EXACTLY what kind of scumbag he is.

The more interference you put into the affair, the more the affairees turn on each other.

I agree with all these moves. The word "felony" in a legal document would scare the pants off OM!!

I agree, but lawyer said I don't want to do anything to harass OM. He's speaking off of experience. Guy's done family law for 17 years.

I have no experience at all with lawyers. I've only spoken to him on the phone, have an appointment on the 29th of this month to speak in person. Perhaps as early as the 21st. I don't know if I can demand that he draft a letter to OM. I think it sounds good, but I have a feeling that most lawyers are so busy that they don't want to mess with anything outside of normal protocol. He did tell me that he was a fighter, he stands up for his clients, yet he also said not to do anything to OM that would land me in jail.

Being scheduled weeks out tells me that he's busy, so he's probably good. He was referred to me. I did call a different lawyer and he sounded like a stick in the mud. Real quiet, wouldn't offer any free advice. Didn't sound like a fighter to me.

DD called me from school earlier to mention she wasn't staying for weight lifting. She also mentioned she got a 100% on her math test. I congratulated her and she asked that I text mom to let her know as she didn't want to make two phone calls.

I was in a hurry to get off to a meeting and in respect for DD's request, I just texted WW "DD wanted me to tell you she got a 100% on her math test.". That was the first text I sent her since last Thursday night. In retrospect, I think I should have told DD to just text mom herself so I wasn't the go-between. But I was in a hurry.

WW has not replied back to that text. But I was not expecting anything, just wanted to relay the message.

You are not in plan B.....texting is good right now.

Oh, but it's perfectly okay for POS to harass you by worming his way into your life and snatching away a mother and wife? BULL(fill in the blank)

NO, SW, he's a DIVORCE lawyer. He doesn't want to do anything that could jeopardize a potentially large payday for him. He has no interest in helping you by doing anything that could possibly SAVE your marriage. If he were to do that...no payday. See how this works?

Well then, if and when you decide to divorce, you can hire him if you like him. But we're not there yet, are we?

Of course not. I don't believe anyone suggested anything of the sort.

Me thinks you need to print off the suggestions above by Lexxxy and PI, take them to a lawyer that is NOT a divorce lawyer, and try this again.

I have a hard time understanding being in Plan A right now. WW sees me as the bad guy for bringing this to other people's attention. I would hope that she sees this as me taking a stand and being firm, although she might view it as trying to be mean to her. So if I begin to try and contact her, I would think she would think that I am feeling bad for what I did and I'm trying to get in touch with her.

I would think right now the silent treatment is best. Let her think I'm upset with her (which I am),and make her think just that much more.

The fact that she hasn't responded back to the text about DD's math score is evidence to me that she doesn't want anything to do with me right now. Initiating contact with her would give her the impression that maybe I'm second guessing my actions or back pedaling.