GJM,

I think you are doing a great job on your plan A. That expectations thing can sneak up on you though, so be careful about it. I have to keep these mantras of "no expectations" and "act, don't react" in my head all the time.

I have found myself having to work on the no expectations thing periodically. Otherwise, I start to sense I am becoming demanding and this I think is anathema to a WW.

Cheers,

BH

oops

AHEM. EXPECTATION. Hope that she will continue to react the way you want IS an EXPECTATION. Even if she doesn't act in a way you think she will, you need to keep your PLan A going. See, expectations get you into trouble. They drain YOUR LB. That's one of the reasons that you do Plan A without them. Also, when you have "hopes" that she will act a certain way, when she doesn't, you will have negative emotions about it, and you may react, instead of ACT.

Also, I wouldn't tell her that there will be no snooping once there is O&H. You SHOULD continue to snoop even after you have recovered. That's why you should be saying, "There should never be secrets between a husband and wife, would you like a cookie?"

You're doing great. Keep it up. And don't forget, you can get a lot of support from us here, whenever you need it. We'll keep you on task.

GJM,

I am so pulling for you. Don't give up...

Thanks everyone...I didn't realize hopes were considered expectations. At least I haven't demanded anything or reacted in a negative way towards my W. Every emotion is taken care of in private. When I'm in front of her, it's all charm and smiles. I have a feeling the snooping and being an open book will be our biggest struggle if we can ever get to that point. I have to keep moving though. My W knows I'm the only one there for her and no one can love her like me. She values how I feel and think about her. She's told me this over the last week. Her reasons for not committing to recovery are that she's working on her self. I don't agree with the approach she's taking, but what choice do I have?

Her reasons for not committing to recovery are that she's working on her self.

Uhh, seriously, it was the focusing on her "self" that got her into this situation.

It is the ongoing concern for "self" that causes her to mentally shift the blame to you.

There is a reason why "self" is the root of "selfish".

Explain to her in your next conversation that when her attitude shifts to thinking of "family" she'll be of value to that group.

But do so in a pleasant "Plan A" manner!

No doubt NG...one of the church pastors said that the main reason for divorce is selfishness. When a spouse only thinks of themselves, a marriage will never be successful. My W hates when I use us and family and kids when talking about recovery. She has a lot of defogging to do. I see some signs of it, but not nearly enough. I just gotta keep riding that bull until she breaks.

lol....no riding the bull until she breaks (expectation)
Ride the bull cause you are a bull rider and that is what you do.

It sounds like she was "fishing" for info talking to you about that email. She was trying to get you to admit you were snooping and you took the bait. You got to comfortable and forgot she is still wayward. She thought you were snooping but you just gave her proof. Now she is working on how to get around that.

Lol...got it! I'm getting quite good at it too.

I can't see how a person can Plan A with no expectations (hopes) whatsoever. When you're working your butt off towards a specific goal, it's hard (if not impossible) not to expect that goal to materialize....especially when positive signs appear.

I'm not arguing the point, just can't see how one can go through this process with no expectation at all. I know I didn't.

I know that those expectations can't be projected to the WS by any means, but what we feel and what we project through this are different much of the time.

I think you're doing a stellar job and only wish I had your style about 9 years ago Would have saved some time.

HR,
I understand what you're saying. The members are just keeping checks and balances. They want us to make sure we don't project our expectations on the WS. They also don't want us to expect what we are doing to get positive results every time because it will discourage us to go on.

I've learned to make a plan, execute it and learn from it. I never love bust or get angry. I know it's frustrating for my W to see me in this light because I don't react to anything. I just give love like I learned from the bible. My taker was getting in the way for a while, but I learned to receive God's love. It's through him that I keep pushing forward. My W is wanting to go to church now because of what she has seen in me. That says a lot.

What we have to remember is that everything happens on God's time, not our time and this is a marathon. Things will happen the way they are supposed to. I believe that.

Agree completely. I just know that, while we aren't supposed have expectations....we always will

High, GJM is right. Whenever a BS has expectations, and hopes that a certain action will get a certain reaction from the wayward, and it doesn't happen, they lose the will to move forward. They begin to react emotionally.

Besides, Plan A is for the BS. It is a way for the BS to become the spouse they were supposed to be all along. Because, they will need to become someone else to have a marriage they should, with or without their WS.

While it is quite normal for a BS to have expectations and hopes, it's harmful to their Plan A. Hence, the posters reminding the BSs to do what they are supposed to WITHOUT expectations.

In this particular case, GJM was expressing his hopes that his WW would REACT in a positive light to his Plan A efforts. That needs to STOP.

Of course you are doing quite well GJM. In my zeal to ensure that I am offering helpful advice, I sometimes forget to give a poster their props.

Always appreciated Scotty. BTW, I've managed to score another date with my W on Saturday. She's such a fence sitter. My next plan is to figure out a way to get her on my side of the fence. I'm just glad she can't say no to me when it comes to spending time with me. I just have to keep the charm on and keep showing my love for her. I think I now know what unconditional love means.

It's DANGEROUS for marriage however.

It's good to hear that you're going out on Saturday. What will you e doing? Will you be wearing green?

I think I'll just take her out to dinner and have some drinks afterward. Just some time to laugh and talk together. It's going to rain so nothing outdoors. That's right, it is St. Patrick's Day isn't it? Hopefully we find a spot. Either way, anything will do.

I've just been reading up on your thread. I fear you have been in this Plan A for far too long. When a WW moves out you would usually only Plan A for a week or two then Plan B.

I fear that by Plan A'ing her all this time you have 'normailised' this whole situation for her.

Of course she wants you as a friend blah blah.....she needs to make a choice now. She has seen your best side, now quickly go to Plan B and put the ball in her court and move on with your life (in every way but dating obviously)

The time has come she needs to make a choice - she been having her cake and eating it for FAR TOO LONG!

Time to MAN UP - I know its going to be hard to wean yourself from her but its for your own good and the best chance you have of rebuilding your M

ps I did exactly what you are doing for way too long and my exWW was so used to us being 'friends' and living on her own.

mfil,
Dr. Harley suggested he stay in plan A as long as he can handle it.

GJM, Irish Coffee would be yummy.

I don't remember reading DrH suggesting that anyone Plan A for a week or two after their WW moved out.

Actually, I remember reading SAA, and in it, he advised Jon to Plan A for 6 months.

Plan B is to be used as a way for the BS to get out of the drama and protect themselves. GJM is doing well in Plan A. I don't see the need for Plan B, yet.