Just information for you guys: House is in our names, but she is not paying anything on it. Damn, I forgot to ask lawyer about that - I will do so as it would provide more financial stress on her. Since even if she files for D, she will still have to pay her share of the house for the duration of the D process, and I KNOW she cannot afford that. The car is in both our names, but she's making the payment. Getting the car in her name would do nothing to her financially and make her feel more independent. No joint accounts.

DD already told me she wants nothing to do with OM. But if someday I remarry, she would accept who I was with, because I didn't do anything wrong.

DD told me this within the past week or so, without me even asking. It's exactly vebatim what you said Lexxxy!

I just wish she would tell WW this. Maybe she has already. DD is pretty feisty and doesn't put up with anybody's sh*t. I'm proud of her for having that characteristic.

DS is firm with his beliefs, but has a passive, laid back attitude. Confrontational only when he's pushed. He's like me. DD on the other hand will get right up someone's grill without any hesitation.

Having an air of CONFIDENCE inspires respect in your WW.
So you should NOT appear needy or clingy.

You need to project going about your business....Plan A here and there....but for sure show that you are competent and confident about your future. The message to your WW should be that you have learned from your mistakes, you've studied and learned how to have a great relationship, you would love for her to be the beneficiary of that knowledge and commitment, but if not -- your next wife will be treated very well.

Be a great father. Be a great employee. Be a great person.

Be someone she would be attracted to in any other circumstance.

Still,
Sorry it took me so long to answer. I am at work and only had a chance to check your thread right now.

Everything Lexxy is telling you is right on. She knows right now that you're willing to take her back. If you take that option away, she will have to make a decision very quickly as to what to do. I think she feels that she can walk all over you because exposure wasn't done right away.

In the beginning, I was so drugged out and "high" that I thought about leaving my BH. OM even paid for me to consult with a lawyer. Has your wife met with a lawyer yet? It freaked me out so badly. It was a wake up call to what I had to lose and how I really felt about my H.

During that appt. I was pissed at OM. and I could see myself going down the wrong path with him. I could imagine myself saying, "You did this to me!"

I told OM that I had no intention of leaving my family. I told him I understand if he needs to break it off in order to move on. He chose to continue with our affair for two and a half years after that conversation.

I think he thought I would change my mind and when he realized I wouldn't, he decided to call my H and blow up my world. He was insanely jealous of my H.

Anyway, you need to have your lawyer demand that she make mortgage payments.

Lexxy is right. Your wife needs to come to see what she has to lose. However, keep taking care of yourself and being sweet. There is a difference between being nasty and protecting yourself.

My BH asked for a post nup which I agreed to (even though we never ended up needing it). Can you do that? Tell her you're protecting yourself and the kids? That you don't know enough about OM to trust that he'd be a good stepfather.

Tell her you're moving on and are going to start dating. I know you think this will make her happy but I don't think so. I think she will begin to freak out about some other woman influencing your DD. That was one of my biggest fears. I never want any other woman having anything to do with raising my children.

Feel free to ask me very specific questions. I was not as "far gone" as your wife is but I can still try to tell you what I was feeling at certain times.

Just remember that dealing with your wife is like dealing with a drunk or a drug addict. They're so high that they're not capable of reasoning.

The only things that are going to smack her in the face with reality are showing her what it would really be like if you two got divorced and she'd be stuck with OM.

I think I mentioned this before but my BH was about to drive me to POSOM's apt. and leave me there so I was FORCED to be with him. You have to FORCE her into seeing reality. You're being too lenient (sp?) on her.

Do what you need to do to wake her up but do it nicely. I know that's difficult. She will begin to see that you are NOT a wimp that can be manipulated and she'll begin to manipulate OM. This will make him RUN!!
CT

I wholeheartedly disagree with this.

You can imply that you are comfortable with moving on after a divorce, but you should never never never begin dating while you are still married. Do not jump into the cesspool with her. (That would please WW immensely! because then you would be equally to blame)

You absolutely must stay on the moral high ground.

This is a very interesting concept, which I never heard of before. Is this true? If she was used to pretty much getting her way with me, me not wanting to rock the boat too much for fear of upsetting her, if I portray confidence, calm and cool, not letting her affect me, yet knowing I'm confident with myself going forward, that she will realize she can't get that out of me anymore and will try to get it from/manipulate OM?

Is this true? Because it's a very intriguing concept that would give me a huge boost [in my confidence to better myself] in Plan A. But please don't reply yes only to increase my dedication to Plan A, I really need to know this answer and specifically from CT or Lexxxy or other FWW's.

No need to worry about that. Last thing I want to do is get involved with anyone else.

I agree because we cannot use manipulation tactics. We squeeze the wayward financially and we get the truth spoken.

How they handle this is their choice.

Still - Get CS papers moving and show WW what it will be like after divorce ... she pays you!!!
Still - Get a letter from your attorney specifying the felony of adultery and how you will depose all parties.

Still - FIND OM PARENTS!!!!!!

Still,
I was NOT encouraging you to start dating. I just think if your wife "thinks" you're moving on that she'll begin to become very insecure. PI feels this is manipulation, so perhaps it's not a good idea.

I'm no expert. I was just telling you how I was thinking at that time. I became very fearful when I even imagined my BH with someone else.

I guess what I was trying to say is that your wife is not looking at the big picture. She's not capable of that right now. She's only concerned with her temporary fix.

I certainly wasn't suggesting that you manipulate her. I just think that one of the things that snapped me out of the fog was seeing how my life would be "in the future" with OM. Also, what my husband's and kids lives would be like in the future.

My husbands parents are divorced so I've seen how awful it can be in the future. Your wife needs to understand that divorcing you is not temporary.......it's it's permanent.

It's definitely in your favor that she hasn't filed yet.
CT

CT,

First off, I'm not going to date other women. That's wrong and I'm staying on the moral high road.

And you're right, I don't think she can see the big picture right now. She only sees what's right in front of her face and what's going to happen maybe as late as tomorrow or the upcoming weekend at the latest. My boss went through this about 2 years ago (they're reconciling) and he said his wife was the exact same way. Could only see what was happening that day.

So in her current state, I don't know if she has the capability to feel insecure. Maybe. But I would think she needs an eye-opener before she can begin experiencing true insecurity and jealousy (towards me). Your eye opener was having OM offer to pay for your divorce. This allowed you to begin looking at your future. But if I understand what you wrote, even after this eye opener, you still continued seeing OM? Is that correct?

Because she hasn't had an eye opener yet, I cannot think of anything that would cause her any fear. I have no idea what effect this past weekend's exposure has had on the A, other than knowing as recent as Monday night, she was IMMENSELY pissed off at me and what I did. Even the MIL was YELLING at me. So those two must have been fueling each others fire. She was even more pissed off at me on Monday, than she was on Saturday when she discovered the beginning effects of the exposure. That leads me to believe that alot must have come out of the exposure between Saturday and Monday. Or she had time to sit and think about it.

Maybe losing the kids would cause fear, but the fact that the kids are against what she's doing and really don't do much of anything with her, leads me to believe that the kids' feelings are not affecting her much. I could be wrong.

I think I'm beginning to see the underlying issue here. After seeing how pissed off your WW was after her exposure you're now terrified of what the OM's response to YOU would be after your exposure of him. If so, I can understand that...to a degree.

But what you have to understand is that OMs are notoriously wimpy when confronted by a determined husband willing to fight for his woman and his family (cough cough, but women love it). I betcha he considers your wife nothing more than a piece of side action. Manning up will bring this out in the open. Right now, he's laughing at you because you are NO threat to him and he can do what he wants, whenever he wants with your wife, with NO fear of repercussions from you. None!!

You have two choices now:

1) Be okay with this
2) Become a threat

You're trying to apply logic to a situation that, at this moment, defies logic in the normal sense. I got news for you bud; you're analyzing yourself straight to divorce court. You lose more of your advantage with each passing day of inaction. Each day of inaction equals further entrenchment of their sleazy Harlequin romance at the infidel hotel.

Choose

Agree 100% with TW - DO what he says

Still,

Me again. Dang, I can't write anything better than what Tiger Wes has written. PI says the same.

I know I drift in and throw harsh comments to you, but please know it's from care, not harm.

I think I am caught up, but wanted to comment on one thing: and that is your attitude and actions toward OM.

You already know that your WW is going to be psycho.

Whatever and who cares...that will pass as long as you stay the course.


Get in front of this OM and tell him to back off for life. Bond. James Bond. No more, no less.

As a woman, there is nothing better.

BECAOME A THREAT, dude. Now. Yesterday. Do not worry about WW now. Run the scrum off the plantation...NOW.

SW, ditto. I do hope you understand this. I'm (we're) not here for the chuckles. We're trying to help YOU.

Okie dokie- You have fired a very well placed shot over the bow. It definitely got some serious attention, but getting attention isn't enough to win the war in which you find yourself embroiled.

SW, okay, this is where you are right now. You actually started this war by whatever you didn't do to take care of your wife's EN's. She's hungered to have those needs met for quite some time (obviously), and unfortunately for you, they were. But by someone else. I know..it sucks to high heaven, and I feel for you and your kids.

That bow shot needs to be followed by another well placed shot right into the command center (the OM). You do that, and you stand a good chance of destroying the adultery vessel. Now, if you don't? Then anchors away, and then you'll be left standing there (alone), scratching your head, going...

WTF?????

1 30 2012
Re: Wondering how to proceed [Re: stillwaiting1963] MelodyLane
Member

Registered: 04/10/01
Posts: 59214
Loc: Texas
Listen, this guy is a complete weasel who will go away soon enough. You have a serious competitive advantage here. you are the father of her children and you AREN'T a weasel!

Quote:
. I'm confused because if we have a spat about something

DON'T have any spats!! None! Make yourself as attractive as possible. Next time she stops by be as pleasant and attractive as possible.

Another thing you should do is RE-DECORATE the house! Ask for her assistance.
_________________________
ME: BS
DH: WS
Happily recovered for 10 years!
Misplaced compassion gives power to evil...
Exposure 101 <--READ THIS IF YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!


Re: Wondering how to proceed [Re: stillwaiting1963] MelodyLane
Member

Registered: 04/10/01
Posts: 59214
Loc: Texas

Tell her you are going to redecorate and ask for her opinion. For example, make plans to repaint some rooms and tell her you can't decide on macadamia or cream puff. Ask what she thinks. Doing some redecorating will make you feel better about the house and might get h interested in your home.
_________________________
ME: BS
DH: WS
Happily recovered for 10 years!
Misplaced compassion gives power to evil...
Exposure 101 <--READ THIS IF YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!


Re: Wondering how to proceed [Re: stillwaiting1963] MelodyLane
Member

Registered: 04/10/01
Posts: 59214
Loc: Texas
Originally Posted By: stillwaiting1963

So my question is: if she gets upset when I do things with her brothers, should I not do anything with them? I think I should be allowed to do stuff with them. And I probably didn't handle it appropriately by hanging up on her?

You don't do anything to avoid her discomfort over her affair. It is not up to you to protect her from hard feelings about her brothers. That is just a consequence of her affair. Do your best to make her very uncomfortable about the affair. And don't hang up on her!

And one of the reasons I want you to redecorate is because women are very territorial. I predict this will incite those feelings but she won't be able to object because she has LEFT.
_________________________
ME: BS
DH: WS
Happily recovered for 10 years!
Misplaced compassion gives power to evil...
Exposure 101 <--READ THIS IF YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!






SW

There is a collective power in this board like no other that I know of.

There is a method to what "Experienced Vets" suggest and why they suggest it.

This was posted by one of the Experienced Vets here to you on 1 30 2012.

Do the dots connect. There is a lot you can be doing other than trying to figure out what makes a chemically charged drug induced brain tick.

This would definately be Plan A.

nESRE

comedytragedy, how could you of been wanting to leave BH for OM, go see a lawyer with OM, yet be mad at OM and tell OM you won't leave BH, but yet continue to sleep with OM for another 2.5 years?

Sorry for the threat jack but can you share your thought process during this time?

Ditto. I was curious about that as well.

I will continue to try and track down OM's parents. I was going to track down OM's Ex-W last weekend, but got wrapped up in exposure. I will try again this weekend.

Right now I will do my best to not post my analytical wanderings, and post events as they unfold. Also going to work on my Plan A skills to make sure I identify any opportunities. SAA should be here any day now and will read that.

The only update I have right now is WW is evidently avoiding me. I texted her today that there was a school financial aid meeting on Saturday. This is something she needs to attend since she did not make it to the first one. She replied back that she was going to spend Saturday with DD so I could just go ahead and go.

Way to support DS there WW!