Yes, the article reiterates what we covered in the book together.

It's funny...we decided to read this chapter separately during the day, and when we got together about it DH asked if I had read it beforehand since it seemed like it wad assigned to him based on the example given. It was very similar to ours.

Of course there are all kinds of examples that point to me as well. Just thought it was funny.

I love the 10 second pause. Before you respond to anything always pause 10 seconds ... you will notice the other person will likely continue to talk ...

It helps me to not say something disrespectful ... it helps me to form my thoughts carefully, and it shows the other person I am in control of the conversation (subliminally)

By pausing before I speak I have a much better handle on how I communicate to those around me, even my children.

So I finally wrote down some LB my DH committed Saturday. We usually talk them out as they come up pretty successfully, but Saturday was one LB after another. I decided it would be best to write it down and then discuss it. When I did, he said he felt I was criticizing him. I told him I was sorry, and I asked how we could discuss these things without him feeling that way. He didn't know. He also kept reasoning with me why they weren't AO or SD. I told him that according to MB it is not up to him to determine if they are LBs since I'm h only one who knows what drains m LB.

I can see how he could feel that I was teaching him.

How do you discuss LB in a mutually satisfying way?

Also he left on a business trip today for the first time in our marriage. He will be gone until Thurs afternoon. He asked if it was ok, and I did agree to it. But I feel so upset. I know that it is detrimental to travel in a marriage. I told him I wanted to go, but he said even if we had the $ to buy my plane ticket he would feel like I'm just checking up on him. He said I make him sound incapable of protecting us. My heart hurts. I know he is excited about this trip bc it provides a much needed opportunity for advancement. Many advancement opportunities in his industry require travel. We need $$.

My heart hurts.

Anointed, if he was still ticked Saturday, maybe that wasn't the time to discuss it. And if I recall, it's okay if he doesn't agree with you, you spoke your mind and it will sink in. You are giving him the information he needs.

That's an interesting screen name, what does it mean?

What's going well in your marriage journey, strengths you can build on?

Thanks NED. I guess my question is, how do I need to act when I'm upset? He had made some pretty large withdrawals from my love bank, and I was acting distant. He was already feeling defensive because of my obvious displeasure. Do I just act loving and happy even when I don't feel that way? Is that authentic? How do I decrease the chances of him feeling attacked. I asked him to humble himself...to really hear my heart. I was not criticizing him. I wanted to let him know I was upset. I don't feel like it is safe for me to disagree or change my mind.

As far as the screen name: 2 Corinthians 1:21 Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, 22 set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Physically, anointing someone with oil is a sign of being surrendered to the work of God. Spiritually, I believe that followers of Christ are anointed with His Holy Spirit in order to mirror God's image.

What is going well? We are both much more aware of LB's which has greatly decreased the frequency of them. My DH said he has noticed that my AO are much fewer. I agree. I have really worked on completely eliminating DJs in all my relationships. I now really have to work on it more with my kids.

Radical honesty has been a tough one for me bc I haven't felt safe to disagree or change my mind. I told DH so. I guess that is our next step. He has begun to realize that when I don't answer him at all, it is bc I am feeling uncomfortable with replying.

My DH is very attentive and sweet

Our UA time has significantly decreased since we stopped working out together. I prefer to do a much harder workout, so I was doing a tough workout during the day and then working out with him at night. It was exhausting, and he didn't feel like I was getting enough accomplished around the house. I felt like it was a lose-lose situation fr me. I think I will work out with him again, but I don't feel it has been POJAed. I lik to do long runs, hard cardios, etc. He does not. Just weight training. He did say he might try one of my workouts in May, though, so maybe that is POJA?

Right now the UA time is an issue. Also the work travel may become an issue if he is promoted. I also would like what I say to be thought of as me expressing my heart rather than a criticism. I guess I need tips on how to approach him.

LBs are fewer, though.

An example of his thoughtfulness is that he has kept me posted on what he is doing while away, and he facetimed with me last night so we could talk and get ready for bed together. It was so comforting to see his face, and he showed me around his hotel room so I didn't feel so disconnected. It meant a lot.

How do you act when you are upset?

You act upset.

How should you act when you are upset?

You probably shouldn't act.

That's why Dr. Harley suggests ending a conversation if one spouse or the other becomes upset. Feel upset = act upset.

If you want to know how you should act towards your spouse, think of two simple rules; be the greatest source of your spouse's happiness, avoid being the source of your spouse's unhappiness.


How do you avoid him being defensive?

1) One problem at a time.

2) Use "I" statments; I love it when you ________. I would love it if you would/would not _______.


Have you ordered any of the books and/or workbooks? There are tools provided to help you learn to communicate Love Busters effectively.

Thanks HHH. Ok, so while I am waiting for myself to calm down, how do i Interact with DH throughout the day? Kids, chores, etc. Is it ok that I am distant?

One problem at a time....so don't hand him my paper? Just mention one thing? There were about 5 LBs in one morning.

I will remind myself of the I statements.

Yes, we do have LB and the workbook. We are about done with the book an will do the workbook soon I hope. It seems our workin on the marriage is slipping down on the priority list.

P.s. I really like the not talking when I'm upset. What happens if it takes me 3 days to calm down? I ask this because it has happened before.

Can I take a SWAG at why you are "distant?"


Is it because you are continuing the argument in your head? Obsessing?


How about knocking it the crap off?

If you need time, take time - 5 minutes. Then get over it, and finish your day.

No, 3 days isn't going to work. You wouldn't let your husband pull that on you, would you? Three days of silence isn't "being upset" it's serving a vendetta, it's putting out punishment.

If you want to wait 3 days, wait 3 days until you bring it up again, but quit wielding your anger as weapon inside your home!


I know I'm being a little rough here, but... wow. You know that don't work, girlfriend. That stuff is why you are here!

I see. Hmmmm.

Is this just a decision you make? I stay upset because the problem has not been resolved.

Am I afraid that if I don't stay angry, it won't get resolved? I think so. So, it is a mind shift. No, I don't like it, and I can be ok becaus I know we WILL work it ou later. Right?

Is that the mindset? I am changing my perspective on things by choosing not to live in fear.

I come from a place of strength when I can be pleasant and confident after a LB. Is that right?

Oh, and my DH will go just a long as I will on the distancing. We both do it. I know, yuck.

Bingo! Bango! SCORE!

Can you get that tatooed on the back of your eyelids?


You've been around for a while, you have the books. That "place of strength?" That's going to be your LB$. By learning to fill your H's LB$, and him learning to fill yours, you will build the necassary strength and patience.

Being pleasant is motivated by increasing your account, confidence comes with allowing him to fill yours.


Ok, so how does that work on you when he does it? I'm guessing not well.

Set a new example, write a new script.

So, yes. Do other things instead of hanging up on conflicts. Don't think obsessively.

If it cannot be negotiated to PoJA pleasantly, put it aside until it can. Revisit it once weekly. In between, don't obsess about it and use it as an excuse to LB or deny ENs.

Those are marriage destroying habits.

PS;

You can totally brush the thought aside, even if it is "unresolved."

You brush a million thoughts aside over 3 days of obsessing about a problem.


You may not be able to control the thoughts that pop into your head, but you can control the thoughts that stay there.

Ok HHH. This is gold. Thanks.

Sometimes it takes an "aha!" moment even after reading this stuff over and over.

I will ge it. I'm close.

Thanks.

My husband comes home from his business trip tomorrow afternoon. I cannot be angry that he went on the trip (even though I don't want him traveling without me) because I agreed to it. But I do have a question.

Would this bother you? He called me the first night away (Monday) and told me he had dinner rather late with his male co-worker since they just got set up at the hotel. It was around 11pm there when they finished eating. He told me they ate in a sports bar and thought it was weird that the waitresses wore shorts and tanks because it was freezing outside. Yes, it was one of THOSE establishments.

I was not happy.

I know he was with a superior who was paying for everything with a company credit card, and to be fair, he probably didn't know it was one of those kinds of places because he hadn't heard of it before. But once he was in there, should I be upset that he didn't protest and eat elsewhere? There are 24 hr fast food places to choose from.

I don't know.

I have been a nervous wreck the whole time he was gone. Not because I am afraid something will happen...I am afraid we are setting a precedent for our marriage to fail by opening this door.

Here is the text conversation from Wednesday night before he came home yesterday regarding another issue:

Me: what are you doing?
DH: eating barbecue
Me: y'all eat late!
DH: it's 8:30 here. We work late! I'm getting very aggravated with where I'm at in my career. I feel like I should be several steps higher than where I am.
Me: sorry baby
DH: I won't be in til later. We are going to cruise 8 mile road then go to some famous bar. My phone is fixing to die, but I'll call when I get to the hotel. I love you.
Me: I don't like the idea of that. Who all is going?
DH: Peter, Doug, and me
Me: good night
DH: it's more for the experience
(silence)
DH: I love you!
Me: I love you
(an hour later)
DH: boring, drive forever, heading back to hotel
DH: FaceTime me?

I did chat with him that night, and I didn't bring anything up again.

This is PROOF to me that we most certainly do not need travel in our marriage without some very serious discussion. I would like to always travel with him. Period.

This was his first time traveling for work without me, and he made some very poor decisions.

Can I please get your feedback? I don't want him to get defensive, so i need to know how to approach him. I asked him to set up some travel EPs with me before he left, but I could tell the conversation upset him. This proved to me that he does not know how to protect our marriage despite his offended statement that I made him sound incapable of protecting us. I do not feel protected.

Is the situation so obvious that it doesn't need a response? I want to do what is right for our marriage and really could use some tips on how to approach him. I don't want him defensive right off the bat. That would ge us nowhere.

I really appreciate your counsel and feedback....

"I don't like idea of you going to bars without me, and I would prefer that you didn't do that. Wanna go have lunch at bistro? I'm craving a panini."

You can't control whether he gets defensive or not. What you contribute is more a matter of what you're thinking and doing, not just what you're saying, so it's hard to contribute what I would like to. If you were in town, I'd offer to babysit so you could get some time to reconnect together, to where this stuff settles back down into perspective, so you guys can eliminate it together. But right now it sounds very high stakes, very difficult to de-escalate if you're still unsettled.

Thanks CWMI! So...in essence I've already done that, right? I made one statement about it during our text convo and then dropped it. Is that all I need to do? What if he wants to travel again without me? Make one statement and drop it? And then what if he does it anyway?