GJM - thanks.

I'm going work on perfecting my Plan A. Take it one day at a time.

My DD told me me a couple months ago, "Dad, just kill her with kindness", and PI said the same thing earlier.

WW stopped by home sometime today, perhaps over lunch. She dropped off some VD presents and card for the kids. Curious why she dropped this off as opposed to bringing it over after work when the kids were here. I noticed that she took her jewelry cabinet with her. She hadn't taken it when she moved out, so unsure why she needed it now.

After this whole exposure thing I'm a little more leery of her coming over here, especially if no one is here. Honestly, the thought of her planting a VAR crossed my mind. What do those things look like?

After exposure, can the Wayward be embarrassed or guilty around the kids?

The WS will feel embarrassment around anyone they know.

I'd change the locks if I were you. That's not Plan A, but you need to protect your self. Changing locks usually comes in Plan B.

VARs come in all shapes and sizes. If she planted one she would have to come back to check it. I doubt she did though.

I would assume her motives are not to protect you.

Sweep your house for a VAR and change the locks. She no longer lives there, and isn't welcome to just walk in and out. I would change the locks today.

Sweep your computer for a key-logger and any other spyware. Check your WIFI so she is unable to worm through.

Who knows what is going through her mind at the moment. Maybe she needs jewelry to pawn for money ... who knows ... just protect yourself moving forward.

Still Plan A ... her reality and her fantasy have met ... who knows when reality will finally conquer fantasy.

I have already checked with lawyer and I can't keep her out of the house. She can call a locksmith, break a window, etc. WIFI is secured.

You cut off money to WW. WW has mentioned money is tight. WW sells jewelry to raise money. WW is approaching the bottom. OM is not meeting her needs for financial security. This will eventually cause WW to realise that OM only views her as fun. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free.

SW, you can change your locks, though. And if you did that, she would have to go to ALOT of trouble to get in. Don't hesitate to change your locks.

HelpForDad, I'm going to check out your thread. It looks like it has similarities to my sitch, especially the OM being single. Perhaps I can glean some ideas or strategies.

Thanks for the support.

TR, hope you're right on that. I've calculated what WW's expenses would be, and there are unknowns as to exactly what her actual expenses are. I know car payment, CC payments, student loans, and even rent. But everything else is pure speculation.

Most women need a man financially, and that EN is more often than not a high need for them.

I would put money on the fact she was looking at Mr. Business Owner as a great meal ticket. We know he is a cheater ... more than likely he has other hidden secrets ... this is why we are encouraging you to make your WW trouble for him.

Your WW didn't just give up her middle class, cushy lifestyle to sit in a small apartment until retirement. She was banking on OM to be the bank.

This is your weapon ... USE IT!!!

I was reading a post by Pepperband a while bank called, "Low bottom wayward"

She discussed how you have "low bottom drunks" ... it takes them losing absolutely everything before they hit bottom.

This works the same for the "low bottom wayward" ... they have to lose their home, finances, security, children, family, friends, reputation, honor, dignity, and character before they hit bottom.

This is what I am finding out about my WH. He is a low bottom wayward. The HIGH his OW and her lifestyle was so addictive he is chasing it with all him might. He has lost absolutely everything to chase this HIGH.

Starting today he just lost the very last thing he could lose ... his finances. He just put himself in a huge financial hole ... that is how I know his bottom is far ... and hopefully by the Grace of God he hits it soon.

Who knows where your WW's bottom is in this mess. She may snap out of it soon, or she may be so addicted it will take much more time. This is why Dr. Harley puts a two year limit on waywardness.

How can you help her? Do not shelter the addict from their consequences. This is why we suggest you view her as an addict.

The more she can face her consequences the more she will defog and wake up out of her HIGH.

Lock her out of the home. Make her pay a locksmith to get back in ... Keep the pressure on OM. OM hate BH's who are strong. You are strong with pressure.

Tough~

Please elaborate. I used exposure - only time will tell how much pressure this puts on her. With the initial FB messages, I hope that some people are spreading the truth via word of mouth, I would have to believe this is happening. What else can I do to put pressure on her to make her trouble for OM? All the while trying to do Plan A and not throwing LB's at her? I'm asking specifically on her, not OM at this moment.

Oh, and btw, I'm convinced that she was looking at him solely because he was a business 'owner'. She wanted the prestige that she saw other women had.

Elaborate - EXPOSE TO OM Parents and get your lawyer to start trying to get child support from your WW. Also get your lawyer to send a letter stating the Felony of adultery in your state and he will be deposing OM, WW, OM's friends, family, business, etc.

WW: "OM, my loser husband is now wanting me to pay him $500/month in child support. I can't afford that and live in my apartment."

OM: "I can't help you WW, my business is hurting. What the hell, what if he deposes me? He already went insane and told everyone."

WW: "We have each other, we can make it through a deposition."

OM: "This is such crap, can't you make him go away. This is going to hurt my business. Do something WW"

WW: "What do you want me to do? Why don't you stand up to him."

OM: "He's your husband, make him stop. Good grief Woman!"

... Get the picture!!!

SW,
I've said this before but I want to remind you what snapped me out of my fog.....FEAR.

You must do what you can to have her believe she is slowly losing anything secure to her.

Do you still have joint accounts? Is the house also in her name? The cars?

Figure out what you can take from her that OM will have to provide. He will get tired really quickly from all her garbage. She'll soon no longer be worth it for him.

You'll see when you read SAA. The situation is remarkably similar to yours.

You HAVE to make her think that you're pulling away and will no longer be an option for her. This will scare her.

Fear was my biggest motivator in stopping my affair. I didn't want to lose all I had.
CT

Attributes highlighted in red, she has definitely lost. Purple she's lost most, but not all. Blue she has either not lost or impact unknown.

CT,

I hold great faith in the support and advice I get from people here on MB. But for my particular thread, I hold a keen interest in your feedback, because you were are a FWW. I need to understand what may be possibly going through her mind in all these scenarios that may help me make decisions. But please, tell me your experiences and feedback based not only on MB principles, but what was actually going through your mind at the time you were experiencing it.

I've been there, 19 years ago. I know the high that one experiences. Mine wasn't an addiction to the point where I wanted to D my W. I just for some reason put my wife out of my mind. She wasn't an active part of my life at that time, even though she was still there, calling me and asking when I was coming back to her. I would say things that I didn't mean (she's told me things I said to her and they are exactly what she says to me). Thinking back, it was weird. It's like I just put her out of my mind, but the thought of wanting to D her never crossed my mind.

But at the same time, I don't consciously remember telling myself that I had my wife to fall back on, but I do think I subconsciously knew that I still 'had' my wife should I choose to return. So I didn't have a 'have fun, I have my wife to return to' affair, but rather a 'my mind has switched to this OW who I feel I need to be with at this time...there is no one else in my life right now....but something in the back of my mind tells me there is someone out there providing a safety net for me'. <---- This I feel is what my WW is experiencing based on my experience.

So I can understand the feel of this, but it is good to understand that same experience from a woman's view.

You don't do this.




More great advice. But still no action on your part.



Except to keep posting twice more here on MB.

NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH

Posting is just the same as talking. Neither one is to be confused with doing.

SW --

I was also a wayward SW.

Right now OM is getting all the fun and easy parts of the relationship.

That is why putting pressure on the affair helps it blow up.

He probably is not counting on providing financial support to WW.
He is probably not excited about the affair blowing up HIS reputation (hint hint EXPOSE TO HIS PARENTS!)

Eventually your wife will start to blame OM for the losses she's experiencing. (right now you are to blame! but once you get Plan A and Plan B perfected, she won't be able to blame you...)

When her son stops talking to her. Will it be your fault? Or OM's fault? Once it becomes OM's fault, she will expect him to up his game to compensate her for this loss. He better be worth it!

On OM's side he will expect her to call off the dogs (you)!!
He will expect her to do damage control when you are blowing up his world! When he gets a letter from an attorney about felonies, he's going to get MAD at your WIFE. Thats when she becomes "not worth it".

Get it?

Disclaimer: I know that Plan A is for me, not getting WW back. But I'm pretty sure that everyone here has made sure they did the best Plan A possible with the possibility of getting their WS back. After all, making yourself a better person is just going to be instant results of Plan A regardless. With that said:

CT,

I need to ask you this: I feel that if my WW sees me moving on, getting along without her, showing happiness, that she will just feel that I am getting over everything and I will be just fine. That she will not need to worry about me anymore.

How did you feel during this? Now you said that fear had the biggest impact on you, but were you also feeling that your BH getting along without you meant he was going to be just fine and made you feel better about what you were doing? From a wayward's mind, it just seems like this would be the way it is.

Please, no 2x4's about deviating from the plan....I need information like this to gain some insight into the wayward mind of a woman...to help me fill in the blanks of my Plan A. There are many similarities between a WW and WH than not, but I feel there are more little intricacies with a woman.

By the way.

Change your locks. No way should she be coming and going as she pleases. Yeah Yeah, they told you she has the right.

However, waywards are lazy. If you changed the locks, she might whine about it -- but once you point out that you don't have a key to her apartment she will back down. She knows she's not in the right. She won't fight you on this.

And its another subtle way of making her realize she's on the outside looking in on her family.

SW --

When you start moving on without her, she will panic about being left behind. She will start imagining that you will replace her with a better model.

She will contrast the fact that her kids want nothing to do with OM, and any time she spends with OM will be without her kids.
Meanwhile, the kids will gracefully and happily accept any new girlfriend or stepmom that you introduce -- because you are doing things the right way. (not a sleazy affair)

She will envision happy holidays and vacations that you and your kids and the new woman will take in the future. She KNOWS she is gonna hate that.