Good info, LWFH!

SweetPea - I hope you and your family have a VERY Merry Christmas!

LWFH: Thanks for the post, and we are very familiar with the perils of porn. FWH has an appointment with his therapist next week to discuss an action plan. So, I'll be eager to see what transpires. His therapist is all about behavior modification, so I'm hoping it will help him kick this destructive habit.

Sunny and any other readers: I hope you had a wonderful holiday and I wish everyone true healing and bountiful love bank deposits in the new year!

Cheers,
SP

Behavior modification is the way to go, IMO, so that's good to hear, SP.

Indeed, Sunny.

Seeking thoughts on an incident from last night.

We had a great dinner with friends who were in town for the holidays. Went to friends' parents' house after dinner to catch up with their parents, too. Really fun time. At one point, mom of friend asks how long we've been married now. ... I report seven years. She says: Uh, oh, better watch him like a hawk, what with the seven year itch and all.

BAM!!! I get up to clear glasses and mumble something about how that would be awful. But I feel like I've been punched in the gut. We quickly wrap it up. Something about this lovely older woman saying that joke -- because she would never suspect what really happened -- that really hurt. Huge emotions bubbled up for me.

In the car on the way home, FWH acknowledges my distress. Says he's sorry, but then tries changing the topic.

But I'm reeling. Ugh. Not ready to "pretend" that life is good.

(FYI: This is not my "normal" reaction to a stupid, innocent joke. I've had them happen before and no tears or emotional volcanoes. This one just hit really hard.)

Long, awful ride home.

At home, the conversation doesn't go well. At one point, I ask him if he even feels badly at all when someone makes a crack about infidelity. He says he does, but that he doesn't want to get weighed down by them ... or by me. Ouch Part II.

He was clearly frustrated. Almost angry that I couldn't handle that "joke" with more ease. He takes a break and goes upstairs to change. Thankfully, he comes back downstairs.

He recognized that his frustration and concern about "being dragged down by" me doesn't help me, the victim here. Says he'll be less defensive and more supportive in the future.

I ended up figuring out that when I get triggered badly (more than usual), I need him to step up his comfort and reassurances. Doesn't happen often, but when it does, he needs to act.

But is this OK? Or should I have just swallowed my angst last night? Pretended like everything is hunky dory (which, in reality, it is ... other than my rare trigger overreactions)?

Was it OK to discuss? Or was I punishing FWH?

I don't know if you were punishing him or not last night, but I do know that triggers are hard to deal with right in the middle of them. I have implemented the "I am feeling triggered and I need "X" from you right now". This seems to help minimize it with me. I keep telling myself that while my FWW knew how to put those triggers in place, she has no clue about how to remove them and it is up to me to guide her and teach her what my needs are at the time.

CV

CV:

"I am feeling triggered and I need "X" from you right now".

This makes total sense. I think what I was most worried about in the moment (once we were by ourselves in the car and I was a mess) was talking about his affair in the context of this trigger (an MB no-no), and because I was so upset (and kinda frightened by the raw emotion of it. Hasn't happened in awhile. Ugh!).

But I like the idea of just stating: I'm freaked and feeling horrible and I need you to hug me, tell me you'll be there forever, remind me of all you're doing and what you've done to help us.

I like that a lot. It's honest and it moves us forward. Also will help me remember all of our hard work, too, which is a good thing!

Thanks, CV!

Cheers,
SP

Anytime, Sp. I like what you've added at the end too. I'm gonna steal that.

Cv

I would be freaked out right now too if I triggered like that - because once you get past a certain point, you think the really tough stuff is over. It doesn't always work that way, does it?

It really is hard to talk about things and work through the trigger without bringing up the affair, which as you stated - is a no-no. Focusing on what's needed is the only way to go.

I'm wondering if you triggered so badly because of the recent insecurities. I know it would make me more easily affected. Also, when I'm hormonal I trigger MUCH harder and faster over things. I keep the calendar in mind when my feelings start to go awry. It doesn't stop the trigger or mean it shouldn't be dealt with - but at least I'm cognizant of the fact that I might be blowing it out of proportion from the norm.

With each conflict comes growth! If you can learn from the experience, it serves you both well for the future.

As for the joke that started it all, I can see why it would upset you. I mean, it's hard to have gone through such a rough scene and have someone - even unknowingly - make light of it. (At least that's the way it feels.) I had something similar happen about 2 weeks ago with a dear family friend. She made a comment about how I was lucky to have such a man of integrity that would never betray me...unlike so-and-so....who divorced the b*#$@rd. Went on and on about what a great husband and father H is... (She's always LOVED my husband.) I wanted so badly to say, "You have no idea!" I didn't, of course. She's an older lady, not in good health. There's no reason to go there with her. While she would have been a great support system had I needed to expose to her, I wouldn't have done it unless absolutely necessary because she's been in and out of the hospital, with enough to worry about.

I know that our spouses don't always understand why we can't just put it behind us. After all, they have put it behind them! Well, it just doesn't work that way. So, the only thing we can do is educate them as to how they can best help us - as CV said. It is a great comfort when they are willing to do all that's asked - and then some. The key is to have a plan in place because it's awfully hard to be able to state your needs when you're in the middle of triggering!

Just to add: never swallow your feelings of hurt. That does no one any good. Now, the way you express them is very important - but you will only feel resentment if you don't give yourself the validity of knowing your feelings are important! Sometimes you can talk to a trusted friend and work through things, other times you need to talk to your H.

Another thought that may help: I have saved some of H's emails and texts to me on my phone: the sweet, loving, and caring ones. When I feel triggered or sad, I like to read them. It soothes me and lessens the negative feelings.

Been awhile since you've posted, SP, so I'm just wondering how things are going. Wishing you well!

Sad news about the Packer's coach's son.

Hey, Sunny!

Thanks for thinking of me. I'm trying to stick to my vow of not being on the site so much.

But it is fortuitous that you posted on my thread today. FWH had his first therapy session to address his lingering addiction to porn. He came home afterwards and was elated. As I've said before, he really does love therapy and his therapist's advice is so smart and practical.

1) FWH simply has to stop viewing porn. Therapist says that when FWH "fools" himself into thinking that a glance here or there won't hurt anyone, that he has to recognize that as a LIE. It is harmful and destructive. Not a semi-naughty pleasure.

2) He recommended installing spyware on his computer that I would monitor. I'm all in. As I told FWH, I will do this to "help" him, but if he slips up, I want his BOSS to be told of his porn viewing and then he'll face the consequences of possible termination.

3) Therapist congratulated FWH for reducing his porn viewing so dramatically since DDay (from several times a day to once or twice in a couple of weeks; none since Dec. 19).

4) FWH must monitor his urges and take concrete steps (get up, make a call, research a business proposition that we are undertaking) to make new habits to turn his thoughts from clicking.

5) FWH may need help breaking this cycle. He used a low-dose antidepressant several years ago to quit smoking and was successful after trying for many years. So, FWH may take advantage of this if need be.

Therapist was glad to see FWH. Was glad he came to him with this lingering porn issue before it became a bigger issue in our marriage. Basically, he said: Secrets are lies, and we've seen what those lies can lead to in the past.

So, I'm very encouraged and proud of FWH. He really is remolding himself into a true and loyal partner.

Yeah!

Sunny, I'll have to take a peek at your thread. Have been away for several days working on a project. Very happy with how it turned out ... it's a promotional piece for my yoga instructor. Hoping to parlay this into a side business.

(And, yes, very tragic about the Packer coach's son. We didn't have a great deal of detail yesterday, but should be getting more soon. And, we're off to the playoff game on Sunday. Should be a GREAT day with friends and football. Just hoping we do a better job against the Giants than the last playoff game we had -- when Favre threw an interception in the final moments of the game. D'oh!)

Cheers,
SP
5)

I remember that interception!

We were all elated at my house this past weekend with the Tebow TD in OT!

I am SOOOO happy that your husband is addressing the porn issue! That has to be a very positive step in your marriage! LOVE the idea of him being accountable to his boss and not you. (I hope it is practical.)And I agree: it's all about replacing bad habits with good ones! HMMM....maybe every time he's tempted to view porn he should go to a marriage-saving site! It would be good idea to perhaps keep an article on file to view on how destructive porn is to a marriage!

Glad to hear your business project went well.

So, we traveled together last weekend for a project. One of the locations we worked at was the city where FWH and POSOW met to have sex. It also happens to be the city where I used to live and work for many years. I would still be there, if I hadn't met FWH, married him and moved away.

I was trying NOT to be triggered, but I think the karma bus was driving straight for me, because right before we went to the city, I got a call from work saying I didn't get an internal job that I'd applied for and really wanted.

So while working, I was extremely quiet, which is not like me at all. FWH knew I was blue, offered support, but didn't probe. He didn't say anything about the job, so I'm guessing he knew my meloncholy was related to being in the affair city.

I did shake it off, eventually, because we moved to another site and more, intesive work.

But I'm mad, actually, that FWH didn't push to find out what was bugging me. He probably knew it was the affair. So, why not acknowlege it? Doesn't have to be a huge drawn-out thing. If we'd addressed it then, I wouldn't be irked by it now!!!!

I know it doesn't help to remind each other of the affair, but when it happens, I truly think it should be addressed, acknowleged and kicked to the curb. This whole business of IGNORING it, makes me mad.

Thoughts?

"I was trying NOT to be triggered, but I think the karma bus was driving straight for me, because right before we went to the city, I got a call from work saying I didn't get an internal job that I'd applied for and really wanted."

Who cares. So everytime you don't get something you're going to trigger?

"So while working, I was extremely quiet, which is not like me at all. FWH knew I was blue, offered support, but didn't probe. He didn't say anything about the job, so I'm guessing he knew my meloncholy was related to being in the affair city."

46 words to say you triggered.

How about just: I triggered?

"I did shake it off, eventually, because we moved to another site and more, intesive work."

16 words to say the trigger passed.
How about just: the trigger passed.

"But I'm mad, actually, that FWH didn't push to find out what was bugging me. He probably knew it was the affair. So, why not acknowlege it? Doesn't have to be a huge drawn-out thing. If we'd addressed it then, I wouldn't be irked by it now!!!!"

Yes you should be mad at yourself for not telling WH what was bothering you instead of throwing a pity party.

"I know it doesn't help to remind each other of the affair, but when it happens, I truly think it should be addressed, acknowleged and kicked to the curb. This whole business of IGNORING it, makes me mad."

So you expect him to remind you of the affair when you and he both know it is better not to? All he knows if he brings it up and you don't want to talk about it his butt's the grass and you're the lawn mower. So he plays it safe and awaits your lead.

You won't talk so he won't talk.

2 years 3 months past dday if you trigger and or need to mention the affair you need to mention it. Not stew.

First, I think SweetPea should be able to share details on her thread if she so desires - that's what it's for: to sort things out. It doesn't matter how many words it takes her and specifics help others relate. I don't believe we're all reduced to a bunch of shorthand here!

Second, SP, I understand your frustration about the trigger being ignored - I've had that same exact feeling! We get upset because we want our FWH's to take care of us: to coddle us a bit. We want their understanding that we are hurt and we need them to play protector and make us feel safe.

Having said that, I got a lot of advice on my own thread here recently about triggers and what to say/not say about them. While O&H is a key part of recovery, bringing up triggers is not something that should be done, according to Dr. H. Oh, believe me, this concept was a bit foreign to me!

It isn't that "stewing" is advocated - it's that you are bringing the past into the present - and causing you BOTH harm when you dwell on the trigger itself. You can talk about what you need, but there's no need to discuss specifics of the trigger.

I can post the advice I was given here, if you like.

I recently had a "place" trigger as well - and it was something I HAD to tell H, because D20 was visiting the God-awful place! I understand.

Sometimes our H's feel helpless to do anything to make us feel better, I think. They can't change the past or where what happened. We just need to tell them how to comfort us in the present.

My thoughts are a bit all over the place at the moment - getting ready to hit the door - but I will try and be a bit more coherent later!

Sorry about the job.

I think you need to sharpen your skills because everything I write is not ment to be taken literal but rather to make a point.

So to the point: You trigger you tell your spouse you don't have a pity party. She complains about lack of communication but has convient lock jaw.

Well - to be fair - I read it in somewhat of a hurry because I wanted to respond to my friend, SweetPea, but very short on time as I have a class to get to. Usually I'm pretty quick with the wit so I understand making a point, but I didn't get that at all from your post, TR: probably my misunderstanding.

I don't know, telling your spouse about the trigger is tricky. As I said - I was advised NOT to on my thread, per Dr. H orders! I will dig up those posts and past them here later when I have time.

Road and Sunny, thanks for responding.

Road: If you don't care, then don't post on my thread. I'm struggling with the issue of ME (not FWH) not ever bringing up the affair. This site is bursting with advice on NOT to mention it -- EVER! I was triggered, on a particularly bad day, in a town I used to love.

Sunny: Once again, I see you and I share more than a few of these challenges.

I've read advice about saying something as simple as: "Just having a bad day." Which is what I did, and FWH left it at that.

But obviously, three days later, I'm not over the triggering incident.

Would certainly have appreciated him asking if it was related to the affair, and for him to say he was sorry and that he's not going to hurt me like that again. But, unless I'm wrong, that's not the MB way.

It's just hitting me all wrong today.

Sweetpea,

I am sorry about the job news as well as not enjoying a city that you once loved.

Having triggers and then not talking about the affair is difficult. Most women (me included) want to talk about what is bothering them. I still get into a "funk". I try to focus on something else and move to some other kind of pleasent thought.

Dr. Harley's position is that talking about a past affair brings the resentment into the present. You might want to take a look at the thread, "recovery is not complete if resentment lingers".

It would not surprise me if your H knew what was bothering you all along. In our house, when I say I am just having a bad day, my H knows what that means.

AM

Yes it has been mentioned on MB once everything about the affair has been discussed it is not to be talked about because all it will do is keep memories of the affair alive and just drain LBanks.

Now it has been mentioned that when their are triggers one can say I'm am triggering and I need this from you(their spouse) when I trigger.

Example why not spend the money to renew a passport before it expires so you don't have to see the Canandian stamps?

Lack of anything to handle passport trigger just shows justification for throwing a pity party. By doing nothing to prevent future triggers you will just get more triggers.

Part of recovery is to communicate how to handle triggers, how to remove triggers, how to prevent triggers.

I don't see this couple doing any work to handle triggers.

Just complaining that they have triggers.

It's not about me not caring. For your lack of action can allow me to say you don't care. You do care but you're just letting your wheels spin. Ain't going to get no where that way.

Well Boo Hoo. And the Boo Hoo is not about you triggering it's about you are not being proactive.