I'm here! I'm here! I am so sorry that I disappeared for such a long time CT -- Christmas had me running around like crazy! I'm so glad to see that you are still around and doing well! I was just about to go to sleep and then decided I'd take a quick peek around here first -- I'll be back tomorrow, when I've gotten some rest and am more clear-headed. Night!

Mrs. W

Mrs. W,
No apologies necessary. The holidays were crazy busy for everyone. I survived surprisingly well. I thought for sure I would trigger on Christmas but I didn't. I stayed focused on my family.

So, one year anniversary of D-Day is 3 months away and I'm already dreading it. Mostly because that is during our spring break and I won't be working. Any suggestions for preparing? I am afraid not only will I trigger but that my BH will. I don't want him to relive those horrible moments (especially the evil phone call he received from POSOM).

Thank you to anyone who can give advice.
xo
CT

CT - You need to let go of control. You cannot worry about the future or what may or may not happen. What are you doing today to get things going.

I would be very concerned for your BH. You are constantly still thinking of OM, and how your life is going to be affected by him.

You need to be thinking about your husband, and what you plan to do to make it through the first year. As a mom, wife, and full time worker trying to get 25+ hours of UA time in, you shouldn't have any extra time to think about that POS.

Only you can control your thoughts, and your obsession with OM is still unnerving. You need to get that energy put into your husband and your family. How you do that is up to you.

My only advice is really to stop thinking of OM. When you start to think of him, you need to move your thoughts to your family. Mark1952 has a great post on thought control. I will see if I can locate it and bump it for you.

IITL,
I really haven't been thinking of POS that much. I'm more worried about the DAY (not POS...I could care less). My focus is on my BH because I am worried that D-Day anniversary will be really awful for him. I don't want it to be. That's why I was asking if anyone had advice of how I can prepare for it, so it's not so terrible for both of us. Know what I mean?

BH and just bought the MB course and are going to start it this weekend. Now that the holidays are over, we can start to focus on repair again. We have 2 weekends of UA planned that we're both excited about. We're going to be traveling and having fun.

I think I read the article you are mentioning. It helped a lot. I've gotten pretty good at not thinking about POS. I feel good about my progress. Coming out of that depression is, in itself, a major accomplishment. Now I'm focusing on BH and doing the MB program.

Thanks so much!
CT

You know he will be thinking about it, how could he not, men are good at not saying everything they are thinking and just swallowing what hurts them, If I were you I would organize a special time away for a few days during that time, changing any memories he has with new ones, happy ones, try to think of something active the two of you can do.......keeping extremelly busy will help, no idol time....
Do you know a bucket list place he might want to check off or something he might want to do?
You need to make those days about him first and you two second, just keep telling him you will do whatever it takes to make him feel good again about himself and the two of you........
Keep staying close and following the MB program, I am proud of you CT I wish all WW's could also see what needs to be done in order to fix the damage.....
Life isnt' easy, but it is worthwhile if you do it right............

JT,
Thank you! I am going to probe BH for one of his bucket list places that is close by.

Thank you for saying you are proud of me. I don't really deserve that compliment. Everything I'm doing is what I should have been doing since the day we met. I have always been very selfish when it comes to men and relationships.

I hate that it took this to make me see the truth. Some days I just can't stand myself and what I've done but I just mantra "moving forward". Obviously, I can't take the A back but I can do my best to make today, and everyday going forward, the best it can be.

Thank you for continuing to follow my post!
CT

I just read an article that said, " Triggers are there to remind us of how far we have come or to help us get back on track."

The article suggests reminding yourself of this when a trigger happens and then go on with your day. I think this is good advice, no?

Maybe on the anniversary of D-Day, BH and I should plan something special to celebrate the fact that we made it through a year and are still together........in fact, our relationship is better than it has ever been.

I want to look at it as a good day and not a day of complete disaster. What do you all think?

Well what are your plans for Spring Break? Can you guys go away that weekend? Make it a big thing. Replace the bad day with an awesome one.

Well, it's doesn't really matter what any of us think, kiddo -- It matters what your BH thinks.

Mr. W and I have never placed any significance on Dday "antiversaries" -- some years we have remembered, some years we haven't. Our focus has been on building our marriage. One of the ways that is done is by making sure you get in enough UA time. Without that, it is impossible to build romantic love.

How many hours of UA time have you guys had so far this week, CT? Are you taking the time to sit down and schedule it to make sure you are getting the amount of time you are supposed to? I cannot stress enough how important that is.

Refresh my memory, CT. What books by Dr. Harley have the two of you read? And have you guys decided whether or not you will be signing up for the online program?

Mrs. W

Mrs. W,
After discussing it with BH, we decided not to make a big deal about it. We are going to treat it as any other day.

Admittedly (sp?) so, we have not been getting enough UA time because of the holidays. My parents have been here for almost two weeks.

We purchased the online program and are going to start TONIGHT (my parents left this morning). We need it badly. We've both been feeling disconnected.

We have all the Harley books but have only read SAA. Boy, how typical affairs are. We think they're special and they're not. LOL!

Any more advice?
CT
xo

I'm bumping myself because I am feeling discouraged. BH and I are working the MB online program but we're both "in a funk".
Please tell me this rollercoaster of emotions and "stages" is normal during recovery!
Mrs. W ?????

"In a funk" is a bit vague. Are you getting in at least 20 hours of UA time a week?

Yea, I'm not sure how to explain how we feel. BH is feeling resentful, angry........old feelings from last spring coming back for him. Nothing in particular provoked it.

We are getting only about 12 to 15 hours a week. We need to sit down and discuss the possibility of him getting a new job. He works in Manhattan at a very demanding job. He leaves at 7am and doesn't arrive home till 8pm and we have three active kids.

I'll take any advice anyone has to give! As for me, my remorse has been so awful. I look back and can't believe I did what I did.

THIS needs to change. PRONTO. Without the minimum 20 hours a week to rebuild a romantic marriage, neither of you are going to be happy. Dr Harley wouldn't even counsel couples if they didn't meet the minimums for UA time, because it would be useless to focus on anything else without that.

I know you are right. That's why we have to look into him getting a new job. We need a financial plan though because he won't make as much at a job with "normal" hours.

And your marriage will suffer, and most likely end due to this. It's your choice of course, since it is your life.

What I am suggesting is that until you meet the minimum UA time, you both will feel resentment, and poorly about your marriage. Get working on this TODAY. This needs to be fixed NOW.

Brainstorm it and come up with the solution that BOTH of you are enthusiastic about. Sound familiar?

Yes, we've been working the MB online program and communicating with our accountability supervisor (title?).

I am posting on my own thread as to not hijack other threads.

I've been reading a lot of posts by betrayed husbands. So, as a FWW (I can finally put the F in there!), I would like to share some thoughts with you.

I'm finding a lot of BH's are trying to "figure out" what their wives are thinking and feeling. That's not possible or even logical.

Here's a list of my opinions that might help the BH's on this thread:

-During the affair, your wife is not herself. She is a drug addict. She is literally high on these body chemicals: dopamine, testosterone, and oxytocin.

-A no contact letter is essential if you're going to repair. She must write one to the OM.

-Do not believe anything she says. Actions speak louder than words.

-She "thinks" this other creep is her soul mate but he is NOT! Again, think meth addict. She'll do whatever she can to get her fix.

-Follow through on any consequences that you demand.

-Guaranteed her POSOM is exactly that. Anyone who has an affair is also a liar. Your wife and her POS are feeling high because they're "in this together". Think: Mickey and Mallory Knox from Natural Born Killers.

-Your wife has no idea who POSOM really is. He is what she has made him out to be.

-Make POSOM's life a living hell for him. Do whatever you can legally to drive him away from your wife.

-Stay confident. Take care of yourself.

- Remember that she is rewriting history. You two were in love at some point otherwise you would not have gotten married. Do not believe her when she begins to make your history out to be worse than it was.

-POSOM's are scared wimps. Do not allow fear to hold you back from keeping or getting your wife back. Guaranteed her POSOM will dump her upon realizing that he DOES have stuff to lose and she's not worth it.

-If POSOM is married, you must tell his wife. If he is single or divorced, you must expose him to anyone who has influence on him.

-POSOM is most likely planning an attack on your WW (not you). The attack may involve you but he's getting tired of being at the bottom of her list. Be sure to keep him there.

-Be sure your WW sees the effects her selfish acts are having on your children.

-Keep showing your WW that you have always and still do love her without allowing her to walk all over you.

-Read SAA........this is so advantageous in seeing the process of a WW who is "far gone" and acts on her high.

-Your situation is NOT UNIQUE! Your WW is not special to the POSOM. You can bust up the affair with proper exposure.

-Protect yourself in any way you can (a post nup during affair recovery).

-Most of all, realize her fix is her number one priority. The increase in all three chemicals is making her feel on top of the world. She "thinks" her feelings are real. She thinks she'll feel like this forever.

-Your WW will crash and burn at some point. It might take years but she'll come to realize what an addict she was. She'll consider herself lucky if she didn't lose everything.

I hope this helps some you BH's out there!
CT

And for the lurking waywards:

Your lover will get tired of you. He/she will return to their spouse or dump you for someone who does not have kids and isn't married.

So, think long and hard before you give up all you have. Remember that you're on drugs.

Something will happen to wake you up. You will be snapped back into reality but it might be too late by then to save your marriage.

STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!! Male or female, I don't care. What you're doing is wrong and you will end up hurting so many innocent people and yourself!

You cannot trust yourself nor can you trust your AP.

When my POSOM called my husband, he did the following:
-threatened to take everything from my husband (kids, house, money)
-bragged about his ability to lie (said he would never, as long as he lived, admit to making the phone call)
-bragged about his awful character (embezzling money)
-called me "stupid", yup same guy that said I'm the only woman he ever loved

The destruction is not worth the high. Just like any other addiction. Get rid of the source of the addiction.