Do you want to do what has worked for people who have gotten out of this, or just wait and hope things get better -- while they get worse?

He will certainly be mad at exposure, but it will not make things worse.

And while he is living wayward, him stopping contact with the kids will probably be good for them.

I beleive it was the actions of the mother in sleeping around that upset her child.

Kids know when stuff is wrong. Both child and husband are very upset and confused and could do with knowing the truth.

What if he had decided not to upset your children by keeping the truth from you?



Waywards work using threats, sulking and totally unreasonable behaviour.

If you react to his little threats you are done for.

Counteract by being very reasonable, telling the truth to all and demanding reasonable behaviour back.

You are already losing him all together. He has already stopped being your H and become Gollum.

You have nothing to lose by standing up for yourself and the BH.

WWW, you have this backwards. By keeping the affair a secret, it is more likely he will leave you for the OW. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so by keeping it a secret, you are allowing it to grow more entrenched. Almost every wayward threatens to leave if you expose his affair, but they rarely do. It is a threat to keep you quiet. If you have to keep this affair secret in order to keep your husband, then you have lost your marriage already because the only reason your H would want you to keep it a secret is so that he could continue his affair.

Your husband made that threat so you wouldn't interfere with his affair. But if you want to save your marriage, you had better stop protecting the affair and start interfering in it. Stop protecting the affair, my friend!

I want to point out to you that you are the least objective person on this thread. Your marriage is on the rocks and most of us who are posting to you have saved our marriages using these tactics. You are operating from a position of FEAR, and that will not save your marriage. Every day you keep this affair secret for the affairees, the affair becomes more and more entrenched. Your inaction

Once she sees you've got this in hand and have drawn a line in the sand for WH, she will calm down and join you in standing firm. Tell her 'firm but calm'.

People tend to get angry when they feel powerless and out of control.

Take control and this problem is resolved.

WWN


I'm in the UK too, I have had to deal with my H affair and I have had to learn the hard way by not listening to people on here, making excuses and just dragging my feet because of my fears. I can categorically guarantee you this got me NOWHERE.

No one is going to fight for your marriage a part from you right now. Your H is drunk on skanks charms and is like an addict, he wil thereafter and say a lot of meaningless babble in order to keep his addiction going. You on the other hand are Ian good position to think and act clearly not only because your the only sane one out of the two of you but also because you are lucky enough to have stumbled on this site and all the expertise it has.

Your first step right now is to destroy the fantasy your husband and this skank have, the best and most effective way to do that is TELL HER HUSBAND immediately becaus this is the right moral thing to do but most importantly it will be the biggest blow you can deal to this Affair.

Ignore your husbands idle babble, he won't run off and it WON'T bring him and the skank closer infact it will shine a light onto their imperfections. You will likely see your WH (wayward husband) be scared of getting a well earned beating from the OWH and you will see the skank run for cover and throw your WH under the bus to save her own skin.

I know it's hard to see this right now but I personally believe you can get a brilliant marriage with your husband and be a good family unit but to get there your going to follow a very specific plan and this starts with braking up their infatuation.

You endanger her child by not warning the OW's husband about the affair. Your H and the OW are dangerous to this child's secure family. The OW's husband cannot protect himself and his children from your husband if he does not know. If the OW's H knows about the affair, he can take steps to stop the affair and protect his family.

So if you care about this child, you will tell his father.

Your husband is more likely to leave you if you don't expose this affair. This is where you are headed if you continue to be an enabler. In this radio clip, this mans' wife was leaving him for her OM at work because he kept the affair secret.

THAT is your future if you keep hiding this affair for the OW.

radio clip

WWN, you've received a lot of good advice here from many a wise poster. I was going to pop off a semi-long response as well, but instead I'll just ask one question.

Are you really willing to sacrifice your self respect for the illusion of control?

You can't control what anyone does anymore than I can control where the next lightning bolt strikes. The only thing you can control in all this is what you do.

Doing the right thing is never wrong.

OK I've done it, I've sent a message to her husband. Lets just sit back and see what happens now.

WWN well done that was the brave right choice, can you elaborate as to weather you gave him your phone number so he can contact you so you can give him proof or answer any questions.

No I didn't give him my phone number but his wife already has that anyway. He can contact me but not by phone, I don't want a slanging match down the telephone, I'm more able to put my words in writing than over the phone which is why I opted for this choice, I know it's not the best thing to do but I had to convince myself to tell him in the first place.

The text messages are still quite cool on the part of my WH but she keeps sending them, friendly texts, 'how's your day? x' 'is it busy at work? x' etc. She won't leave him alone and of course he replies....for now, he hates confrontation so when this all hits the fan I think he'll be giving her a wide berth, if not they'll get together and he'll soon realise what he lost, she's nowhere near the person I am, he likes intellect and strong women not a woman who's constantly moaning about how people are being nasty to her.

So does he have a way to contact you for follow up questions? Did you give him all the facts about the affair? What did you tell him?

Did you read my comments about exposing to the workplace? I will just tell you now that your marriage will never ever recover as long as they work togther. Recovery of your marriage is impossible. Do you know that?

Here is Dr Harley telling a betrayed husband that his wife cannot at the same place as her OM: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=652

I did and I have saved the letter wording, one step at a time at the moment though, I'll probably do this at the weekend, I would like to see what text and phone communication there is between now and then. My WH has only worked there since October and could well lose his job over this which means I know longer get maintenance. They did offer him a job local to our home on permanent nights not so long ago so I'm going to suggest that he speaks to his manager to ask if he can do this but I need him to contact me first before I can put this suggestion to him.

I'm not even sure he still wants me at the moment so I just have to bide my time.

WWN the fact that men tend to affair down came as a shock to me too. By affair down I mean choose affair partners that are both physically and mentally inferior to their sposes.

It is a very common theme on here and goes to show exactly how the mentality of a person involved in an affair is totally wayward and makes little sense.

They are like druggies or alcoholics they have no logic just a stupid addiction to a fellow low life person who they think makes them happy when in reality affairs never last that long and I don't know of any people who have affairs whom I consider to be honest, reliable or trustworthy.

There is also a lot of lies spewed by OW so be aware that she may have claimed to be a victim of spousal abuse and other such nonsense to gain your WHs attention and sympathy. OW like to make WH feel like they are rescuing them from something making them feel wanted and needed.

The OW in my case claimed she had been raped as a teenager to gain my H sympathy when he tried to brake things off with her because of her lack of satisfying him in the bedroom. When I exposed the skank found out she was the store bike and she had never been raped. I exposed her on Facebook by sending messages to everyone she had as friends on there and gained alot of support from her friends as well as valuable background information on her that resulted in my WH braking the spell he was under. He now physically gets sick if he even sees her picture anywhere or hears her name.

Whichway, I forgot to give you a big hug for stepping out there. Bravo to you!!

I agree, the OW told my husband that I was ringing her and giving her abuse, I showed him my phone bill and asked him to find anywhere it listed her number, I then admitted that I had sent her approximately 4 text messages and I showed him these, he then told me that she knew so much of the information I had text him about, such as the mortgage and the children, he's such an idiot she was obviously reading his texts and using the information to try to lower his opinion of me.

This woman bought my H one of those cut your own hair devices because I have cut his hair since we met, she went all out to cut any ties with me but this will never work, I am the mother of his son and daughter, the ties are for life.

She is so common, there is no class in her whatsoever and the language that she uses in text messages is disgusting. I have no idea why he thinks he's in love with this cheap, common woman. I have a professional job, I have always acted like a lady and I have always done everything for him, he's never had to fill a form in in 24 years, I've done everything for him.

WH has just tried to ring her and she has text him asking 'what's up?'

It is not very likely that she will help reveal herself by helping you two get together.

Waywards will do anything to keep the BSs apart and from comparing notes.

She will not give him the number will she? He needs a way to reach you that does not involve going through her.

Otherwise he only has her to ask about the A. Try to get your number to him.


He only wants his addiction right now. He is not the man you remember while the A is active. I would instead have phrased this 'I am not sure I still want HIM - but I am willing to see what kind of person he can be once the addiction is dead'

OMG I feel sick he's answered with 'Nothing just wanted to here your beautiful voice. Sorry did'nt mean to bother you.' and she then responded with 'Thought it was your crazy wife' how am I supposed to deal with these insults, it is so hard not to text her with a piece of my mind.

WWN
I can relate to you in may ways on the common trashy OW. My H was a manager at the big DIY company with the orange logo he had an affair with a woman twice my seize ( I'm a seize 16 so not that small) with perturbing facial hair and regularly dressed without a mirror her sense of style was so atrocious, he told her he loved her after only 3 weeks and was totally horrible to me and our 4 kids during his time with her.

The only way I managed to snap him out of it is FULL exposure. I told his workplace, parents, friends and everyone on her Facebook page what they were doing, within seconds I was innovated of messages of support and more importantly gained some valuable information on her that not only helped save my marriage but eventually got my H company to pay him out a settlement because he was the 4 th married man she had an affair with at work and they failed to do anything about it by either disciplining her or firing her. She had a 3 year old kid who's father was one out of 3 other married manager at that company. My H was clueless to this information he thought she was an innocent lovely girl with good morals and conservative lifestyle. The people who gave me the dirt on here were HER own friends on Facebook people I had never met yet their loyalty was with me because they knew her true character.

I would wholeheartedly advise you to blow the roof off on her behaviour expos� her to work, Facebook and her inlaws I have a good feeling that you will gather alot of useful information and allies to help you save your marriage and your WH from this predator.

Ps Melodylane has a great link to how exposure should be done on her signature.