Kilted_Thrower,

I'm just back from a provincial powerlifting meet and have been an avid kettlebell user for 6 years now, so I *do* know where you are coming from. Now, on the BMI thing - myself, as a powerlifter female could probably get away with saying "oh BMI means nothing' but for the majority of the population it's pretty decent and accurate- sometimes "we" (those who are intense fitness nuts) can forget that.

However-

Yamina is clearly being made to feel, and in fact literally told, that SHE (the person she was when she met & married him) is simply not "good enough" to his standards.

It is as if he married an available female and is now attempting to transform her into that ideal female. Yamina, is this a love or arranged marriage?

I too would like to hear from him. He clearly needs MB help to speak with his wife.

We have no problem unstanding your English. Just use smaller paragraphd. Smaller paragraphs make the posts easier to see.

As to your husband. He does not seem to know how to treat a wife.

I'm sorry but not surprised to hear this yamina. This has been very clear to most of us from your first post, your H is immature and does not know what it means to be married. There are so many in your posts...

I asked you several times and you have chosen not to answer, but have you ever actually lived in the same city with him?

I really think that things will get much worse when you start living together, this man sounds like he is a control freak who will likely become verbally abusive to you in short order. I'll just repeat my suggestion from before to not have any kids with him until all these problems are resolved.

I'm sorry for your situation .

AGG

Lots of red flags here.

So, you're married 3 months and knew each other 6 months before. He wants you to move to his country. He's repeatedly criticising your appearance.

Yamina, I would advise you to reconsider very carefully about going to his country for the moment. While you are in your own country, you are safe. When you are in his country and his culture, you will be isolated and dependent on your H. This is a tough way to start a marriage in the first place. It's even tougher - in fact it then becomes scary - if the one you are depending on, your H, is immature, inexperienced and apparently entitled and wants to mould you into a model or actress (or porn star, heaven forbid).

If I were you, I would get this issue sorted out BEFORE you go to his country. Stay where you are until you are convinced you will be SAFE when you get to his country. Get him here on MB, tell him he needs to work with you on MB. You're not trying to change him, you're trying to make the marriage strong and for that you absolutely must feel SAFE and he must help you.

That's a very good point. With all these red flags, I honestly think that the best thing to do is keep your distance from this guy and see he has an epiphany of some sorts, though I seriously doubt it'll happen.

AGG

My husband will never visit this website and never try to understand that marriage is a hard work He is the type of person who says that nobody should know anything about our relationship - even our parents. I tried to explain him how I feel when he does these comments. I tried to explain him who marriage works. Yestarday he told me something like 'If I know I'll be in this situation, I'll never do this' (as he explained = he feels bad, because there is so much pressure on me). When I was there (we were living together for one month), it was fine. Like I said, he mentioned sometihng once or twice, but it didnt sound serious. Now, again, when we r apart - he started this
Someone ask if we got married becuase of love or it was arranged marriage. It wasn't arranged marriage. We love each other. I said he was talking about my appearance before, but it wasn't that intensive (and annoying) like now and also when I went there the problem disappeard so I thought it's ok. Now, when we r apart = the problem is getting bigger and bigger.
The problem is not even what he says (cbecause ok - I can loose a bit of weight,etc.), but the way he speaks. Because of one dress which he didnt like, he told me I don't know how to attract man and I dont look after myself. It's a huge thing to say to woman. Same with comments about my weight - I told him he shouldn't talk to women like he talks with his mates. I tihnk he didn't understand me or he doesnt want to understand me...

I would like to second what Mirabelle says here. Like her, I moved to another country to be with my now XH and was very isolated even though I had a good job and language skills.

There is a certain kind of man that preys on vulnerability. He will be attracted to younger foreign girls because he is able to control them to an extreme degree because of this isolation. This type of control is dangerous. Nobody here can tell you if your husband is a predator but we are asking you to be very cautious because we fear that he could be.

The very best test of his intentions is to find something that you need to negotiate and then POJA it. There is no need for him to know anything about Marriage Builders for you to do this but you do need to read up carefully on the subject and pick the right subject. We can help you.

I sent him txt saying everything what I feel, he called me and we were talking...It was ok until I started talking and I said what I feel.. he changed his voice (voice saying I'm upset') and said he is tired and needs to sleep. I tried to find out why he is angry (or sad),but he didnt want to talk. I was in relationship before where my partner used to do this - after he feel bad coz he did something wrong, he didnt talk to me, pretendind I hurt him, so I had to apologise. This time I said I won't do it, so I said goodnight and that's it. If did it, he will never learn, so I hope it will work this time...

I didn't quite understand this. Do you mean that he would never go and live in your country because he knows that it would take a lot of work to integrate and feel happy?

Are you happy to be going to live in his country? Can you see yourself living there forever?


The red part is what worries me, Yamina. The way he says things is disrespectful and he does not seem to take your feelings seriously and he is therefore not willing to change his behaviour. Is his culture one where men feel superior to women?

Well done, Yamina. You must stand up for your interests because it seems he is allowing his Taker to run about unleashed. Stay polite, don't LoveBust, and stick to your message. Let's see how he responds to this. Be prepared for him being cold, or not calling. Keep saying or texting the same thing: "I am happy to make reasonable efforts to meet your need for me to be attractive, let us discuss it. However, I would ask that you do not use disrespectful language with me, thank you."

Have you read Dr. Harley's book "Freeloaders, renters, and buyers"? Here is a link on it:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2332882

I think your H may be in a renter mindset at the moment.

I think he is in the "owner" mindset.

AGG

I fear you are right

So what happened next...He called me very early morning, he tried to make it up, so I think I should keep it up - I mean, try to be a bit stronger in this relationship,because...to be honest, I let him treat me like this...We are newly married, both testing each other, if I'll be too soft, I might have problem i nthe future.What is more, I found out that all these situation made me very tired and stressed. It causes even more problems - I'm very offensive with my husband now..to be honest, not only with him, but also with my relatives. Like I said = I have so many things to do, don't have time for myself + problems with husband = disaster. I know it will be much easier when I'll finish the Uni, but it's still 3 months to go..

In the first I mean he said he won't get married if he knows it will be so complicated (because there is huge pressure on me - I need to learn language, I need to fit to the new culture)

And about second question - yes. The thing is that we have problem only in this part of our relation. I mean, my husband doesnt make any decision (about buying car, renting flat, even buying clothes) without asking me about my opnion and he does care what I'm saying. I think his physical needs are huge, but we are not together now - that's why every conversation is about my body. He mentioned this too.

Yamina,

you seem to be a very lovable girl with a history of letting men take advantage of you.

You have to very seriously watch out for yourself here.
Please make sure if this man will make a serious effort to make your relationship a succes.
Please do NOT have children with him before you are sure that he and you have a healthy relationship.
It is not a healthy relationship if he is letting you jump through hoops at this point in your marriage.

Marriage builders helps you build a healthy relationship with a reasonably normal man. It is much more difficult if he has psychological (personaliy issues) or cultural issues (absolute power over you by law, culture that lets men treat their wives poorly) that make a loving marriage less likely.

To marry at six months into a relationship is relatively early. That must not always be a bad thing, but people who are in love do not treat each other like your husband treats you.

You make all kinds of excuses for him.

1
he does not know how to talk to a woman

If he is talking to his boss in the same way, he would not have a job, so I assume that he knows how to be polite.

2
he has never seen a women's body.

I do not believe that one. Even in Iran or Saudi Arabia little boys trade 'bad'
pictures of women and find something in censored internet. He has probably seen too many women's bodies that are unrealistic and you should take him to the beach once to teach him how real people look. (or better, take him to a swimming pool at the time when there is 'swimming for people over 60).

3
He only complains about this little thing

Well not so much later, he is complaining about anything and everything, so that has proved to be not true.

What concerns us here is:



He is using very disfunctional communication with you here, telling his 'needs' to you as DJ. He is insulting you and he knows it and does not seem to even try to wrap his insults into nice words.


his 'needs' are unrealistic and/or he wants to make you a different person


the real need seems to be to control and belittle you. Allthough we do not know this for sure, the pattern in this relationship seems clear to me.


what does he do to accomodate you? You have to learn the language, leave the country, tone up, dress nicer, do your hair even more, be more attractive. Has he done something to help you, to make things easy for you? Has he changed anything about himself to be more attractive and nice to you? (he could start simply being polite)


You say when you were in his country to visit, the two of you did NOT spend that much time together.


He does not want you to tell your parents things about your relationship. (allthough good boundaries are important, in this case I am concerned if he is trying to isolate you from your family.


If he treats you like this at a time where you shoud be in love, how is he going to treat you at a time when the butterflies of the beginning are making way for the stresses of raising children? What do you think your children are going to say when he talks to you like this in front of them? They will have zero respect for you.

I am not someone to believe in divorce, but if he has been hiding an entire personality and is using so many disrespectful demands, anullment should be an option. Please think about this situation and if you would have married him if you had known in advance that he would belittle you by making such comments about you and your appearance. This may be the start of a very abusive cycle if you do not stop it now. And even if you repair (I would call it repair in this case) you have to be carefull that he does not slip into abusive ways again.

By all means do try to do the MB program and get him on board. But make sure he really is on board before you put yourself under his power.

God bless,

Happyheart