Hello, I am a WH. Hopefully I've got these abbreviations figured out. Had a 6 month EA/PA and left my wife and two kids for the OW. About two weeks later, experienced remorse and guilt and pushed OW away and sought reconcilation with BS.

I've had no contact with OW and have told BS I want to come home. That was 8 weeks ago and BS says she doesn't know what she wants, whether divorce or not.

Understandably, BS says she is full of anger, bitterness, and resentment and does not want me coming home nor will talk with me (all communication is by text or email). Says things are "more relaxed" at home since I left.

We are both going to counseling (same counselor, separate visits) with seemingly little progress made. BS did write me a letter with about two dozen questions about the affair, to which I responded with all the answers and details she requested along with multiple statements of regret and remorse along with making it clear I do want to repair the damage I've caused.

I've offered several precautions such as all my usernames, passwords, access to cell phone, etc. BS says she is not making any progress with her feelings, does not think her heart will ever heal.

I'm just sitting back at this time while she is angry and waiting for a time if and when she will be able and willing to engage in discussion about where we go from here.

Suggestions or advice on what, if anything, I can be doing at this time to encourage reconciliation?

Welcome, Trying. Affairs can really screw up a perfectly good life, huh?

Your BW (betrayed wife) has the right to choose to divorce you. But then, you knew that already, right?

You've done all you can do. You've damaged her world more than you will ever know, and she's got a lot of work ahead of her to recover, whether it's with you or not.

Make yourself available for any other questions she might have. Don't smother her. STAY AWAY FROM OTHER WOMEN.

Tell her about this site. Tell her we are here and ready to help her if she would like to post.

2 things immediately pop into my scatter-brained head:

1) Dump your counseler

2) Call Steve Harley

Yes, affairs suck. They should have a forum entitled "If you are thinking of an affair, read this first" and I would be glad to post about a hundred reasons why it is a cruel, insensitive, destructive, and all around awful idea.

Yes, it will be her choice to divorce or not.

I have communicated to her I will answer any other questions she has and have been giving her space. Guess I'll just wait and see. I've told her about this site, not sure whether she has visited it or not.

I would also see if she will do some counseling with Steve Harley.

I would also make sure you are the best dad on the planet. Show her you are her best option.

Don't offer her your transparency, give her your transparency. Give her all the passwords so she can decide when she wants to check on you.

Now it is time to be the best darn father and husband on the planet.

I agree, make an appt. with Steve Harley, ask your wife if she'll agree to as well. He's helped thousands of marriages recover.

It may take quite some time before your wife is at a place where she's willing to consider working on saving the marriage...if ever. It's probably not just the affair, but also how things were in the marriage leading up to the affair.

Meanwhile, work on yourself. Your emotional, physical, and spiritual self. Make sure you're nowhere near the OW, can't run into her anywhere. Be the best dad you can be. Pay child support. Show up for visitations on time, return them on time. Be stable, reliable, someone your wife would want. Remember her special days, even if she chooses to do nothing for yours. Start to set a good example. You can't change the past, you can only work on the present.

This doesn't mean squat to her. You were devious enough to present a false front to her while you boinked your OW. She is probably smart enough to know that you can always open a new email account.

Can you ask her to come here?

I will ask her. And I know my word means nothing to you, but no I do not have a secret email account, I've stopped the lies. It has been refreshing to have the truth about the affair out there and end all the secrecy.

A good read by Daisy

T2S

Might really want to digest the words written here.

nESRE

Thank you. I've read it and feel my wife declined to nurture our relationship; however, that's no excuse for my affair. I still made that terrible choice.

T2S

I agree with what Kaystamper wrote a few posts back. Talk to Steve. The link is in the red banner at the top center of the page under coaching center.

IRL he may be able to give you ideas that with time and persistance by you may at least get you to the point of R with your BW. From what I read you are making some attempts to do what is right.

Most regular MC's don't have a clue how to restore love in a Marital relationship. Most just want to dig into the past and find reasons from childhood or any place to explain why the way things are today. This program is about restoring love and moving forward.

Your W may not get on board with you right away and may never. Thats her choice to make. You may have to show her for some time your behavior has changed and the change is permanent. Even then she may never want to open herself up enough to try a relationship with you.

D is expensive and no one wins. A call to the coaching center may be cheap when you look at it in that light.

Inviting her here and opening what you post also may help.


nESRE

T2S

Read again and see if this fits.............


[quote]My H didn't show strength or protection. He allowed the foundations of the garden to deteriorate -- leaving me to fix the fences and plow the soil on my own. He abandoned me and the family. He showed a lack of decent boundaries, cowardice, weakness, disregard,... essentially stealing from us by giving what was ours/mine to a dangerous stranger. He showed extreme, abusive, cruelty with how he went about it -- the lies, the deceit, the emotional manipulations; as if he enjoyed being cruel, selfish, and contemptuous. [/quote]

nESRE

Yup, that about sums it up.

T2S

Was there ever any exposure done by you or her?

Did you tell family, friends, pastor, church, work or circle of people you both know what was going on? Did you tell anyone of them the truth? You left to persue an affair partner.

How about your children? What are there ages?

How about your A partner? Was she married? Does her H know? Family? Any exposure done?

I posted the article in the previous post so you could see a reflection of what your BW saw. You need to see what she has looked at in the past. How can you change what was into what is today and and insure her that the changes are real?

That is going to be your challenge here now that she has basically shut you out.

Keep coming back and posting questions. Real remorse and real action is what your BW will need to see from you.

Really think about your answers to questions posters raise. I know I for one will not tolerate blameshifting onto your BW with where the state of your M is today. Your hands created it. I highly doubt others here will tolerate it either. Your answer to Daisy's post was pure blameshifting. Your BW will pick up on this quicker than I/we on this board and I highly doubt she wants or will accept blame for your A.

You will need to be highly creative with finding little niches to get back into your BW's life-if she will let you. Make the best of any opportunity-of any little crack she may open to you and deliver the best you can offer.

The first order of business is to own your choice of having an affair. No blame. No excuses. You own it totally.

nESRE

Yes, I have exposed/disclosed details of the A to my BW. She sent me a list of questions to which I responded to in writing.

The AP's family knows as well.

In terms of real action, I have sent the AP a no contact letter (email) and sent a copy to my BW. I've also quit the job that had me in contact with the AP, as a means to further try and show real action.

Yes, I own the choice to have the A and have communicated that to my BW.

Well I figured I would come back in here and post an update. It's been almost three weeks since I send the NC letter to my AP and there's been NC. My wife and I went to two MC sessions. I've directed her to this site but don't know if she's been here. The MC sessions haven't been all that productive, as my wife is still full of anger (justifiably so) and she is still actively investigating her options for divorce. Still living separate.

When you answer these questions I will post more.

nESRE

trying, 3 weeks is NOTHING. your BW will feel this way for a LONG time. have you called harley for counselling? have you gotten the book that was recommended (i'd get ALL of them)? what have you done each day to show your wife you're willing? or are you just waiting for her to be ready to see you again? if you are not actively showing that you are remorseful and committed to fixing what you broke, you will be waiting for a loooooong time. have you figured out what her ENs are? how are you trying to meet them?

Letty, I will get the book. I've communicated to her that I am willing and available to meet her needs, but she is reluctant to discuss really what her needs are. I've just been trying to be as open, honest, and available to her as possible. I do tell her how much I regret the affair and that I am remorseful at every opportunity. Gave her all my passwords to email; she claims she deleted them as she doesn't care to monitor me.

Yes, she is aware of the NC letter (e-mail). I gave her a copy.

I am offering to meet her needs. Have asked her to communicate those to me, but she has not thus far. Her only response is that she is angry and betrayed and doesn't know how to deal with those feelings.

Right now the only need that I am meeting is financial security for her and the kids, and being the best father I can under the circumstance. I pay all the bills and see my kids at least twice a week.

Yes, most communication is through text or email.

I will order the book.