'Nuff said.

C'mon SW. You said it yourself. You pushed and she pushed back.

Your turn again.

Ah, man....LISTEN TO ME, becasue I almost mucked this up myself...

I fess up -- I wussed out a bit -- I didn't expose my W at her job, I only went after OM.

BUT, I exposed to OMs employer -- both the hospital AND his general contractor AND his union hall. OM was fired within 2 HOURS of exposure.

I exposed to OMs family...well, once his mommy called me after receiving the exposure letter, well...the vets were correct -- once his mom was aware of this 'relationship', it was all but over.

YOU MUST EXPOSE THIS! I did it half-a...d, and it was still effective. I regret not going nuclear with it sooner, though.

Coming from the mouth of a FWW, I am telling you that you must DO EVERYTHING EXACTLY AS PI TELLS YOU!

I want you to know that my ex-friend who is in an unhappy affairage acted toward her husband just as your wife is acting toward you.

He did nothing to save his family. He sat by and accepted her BS excuses. In fact, he even agreed to take the kids every weekend. W got her cake and ate it, too!

This creep is manipulating your wife. He's using fear (like I told you to use!) to keep her. Because he's a scumbag, he has dirt on him and his business.

You say you can't afford a PI. Well, you can't afford NOT to hire a PI. This divorce will cost you a lot more than a PI will. YOu have to find dirt on this scumbag and expose it. Remember POSOM's are scared wimps. HFD is proof of the success of exposing.

You have to do what PI tells you to save your family. You are being too complacent.

TW was right to get on you! Get your butt in gear before it's too late!

Time to push back....for your family, of all things.

Thanks, CT.

The vets are correct....there was NO guarantee exposing was going to save my marriage; however, I had the power to save my family, and so I needed to accept that

EXPOSING ENDS AFFAIRS. PERIOD.

I blogged.
I justifyied why maybe I should have not exposed, then I trickled exposed.
I didn't put finacial pressure on WW by not filing for CS.
I talked up a good deal about maybe how should need will someday get a PI so I could maybe expose OM parents.
I would not spend the time or money to do an internet search to find OMP contact info to expose them because I felt my time was better spent here going poor me manning done instead of manning up.

TW, not going to get in a pissing match with you. I greatly appreciate the advice I'm receiving here. I will report back when I have something with 'meat' in it.
[/quote]

If your smart enough to know that you will lose to TW why can't you be smart enough to know you're losing your WW?

Unless you are only putting up a sham attempt to just save your face with friends and family.

Well, you have something with "meat" in it now.........divorce papers!

Oh, and here's another thing: My affairage ex-friend's (she digusts me now) ex-husband allowed ALL of them to stay at his house this past October when we had that unexpected horrible snowstorm and lost power.
How warped is that? Do you want to end up like that?

Wake up, SW!!!

HFD, it's almost eerie the similarities in your sitch and his. Time frame, page count, trepidation, indecisiveness, etc., etc. We've all been there in one form or another.

It's a tough mess to go through and deal with. He said he was going to read your thread. I hope he has

...that's why I hope he listens -- and ACTS!

HFD,
Did you, at one point, feel that it was hopeless and you'd never get your wife back?
CT

Yes. And I think that was the tipping point -- when I saw it as losing her, our marriage...but oddly, not as an 'angry' thing, but sad, empathetic even, when I finally came to understand from the vets that this woman who I loved so dear was an addict -- she was not the person, wife, mother we all knew anymore.

And I am her husband, their father -- and I needed to save her. I don't say this lightly in an arrogant way. I realized that even if it would cost us our marriage -- I loved HER enough to save her from this path, even if it meant we went down different paths when the affiar was killed.

I gave her time to end it on her own, the right way....maybe too much time but I love her and still had some warped faith in her...until I realized from the vets she was in too deep and couldn't get out on her own...yes, like an addiction.

So I broke her addiction from the POSOM. And as I was typing this, she texted me to say "my soul is empty without you. thank you for saving this family...you make up the essence of me."

Take that, you POSOM...

Exposure is not the catylst to her filing for a divorce.
That your WW crossed boundaries and chose to betray you is the catylst....make NO mistake about that.

You must be the best man you can be and do not allow yourself to now react to her filing in a nasty, lovebusting way (which, frankly is partially why she filed.....to get you to react by being nasty and justifying her actions).

You should plan A. Not lovebust. State how you do not want a divorce but will not accept less than a 100% monogamous relationship with a spouse. Matter of factually and clearly and without angry outbursts. Also, continue your Plan A but consider how to prepare for a Plan B. Don't waffle into a combo. It does YOU no good.

Any other response from you will not be in YOUR best interests.

And now is the perfect time to see about a legal action against the OM. Your state sounds like one of the few that offers a chance at this! But...do not tell anyone but an attorney you are thinking about this yet. If it is possible, do it and become a 'no comment' kind of guy to WW or OM over it.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THat is what my husband did for me. He made me realize I wasn't in my right mind, that I was destroying our family, that OM was an honest to gosh psychopath! That I would regret leaving for him.

I need to also tell you, SW, that my cousin left and divorced her husband for another man and she is now alone and miserable as all hell.

Listen, SW.......you can get her back but you have to slam OM hard first!

YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE!!!!!!

Still, do not let being served with divorce papers throw you off, I had everything signed my husband was paying alimony, we separated our finances and property and he came to his senses........
I did not let anything throw me off I figured I would stand my ground and plan A untilt the day he moved out and then I would give up when everything was final if that day came........
Waywards can do what ever they want, I just kept saying I will not discuss divorce that will be your choice and then I would get on with life...........I gave my husband no reason for bantering the decision it was his choice and his choice alone, I would not engage in anything but recovery and no contact with his OW.
He would destroy our lives and family on his own with no help from me........
You act with dignity and grace and leave the rest up to the wife you married not the alien you see right now.......
Keep the conversations to a mimimum don't not engage in any debates or blame gaming ploys .......
Keep your lawyer informed and in no way agree to anything or sign anything related to divorce, only information and plans that include caring for the children, that is it.......
I would say exposure has worked nicely she is now trying to make everyone beleive that there was a logical reason behind an illogical decision....
trying to defend something that is wrong is tough, the people around her also have set ways of thinking about adultery, she can't convince them in any way that choices like that are justifiable.........it's illogical.........she is feeling the heat and the torment inside her own self value and she know she has had to adjust what is morally right to ease her guilt and wrong doing........let that eat at her.......
She will depend on the OM now I am sure she is getting to be a lot of work now for him, she will soon learn what it may be like to be let down by him..........
stay strong and ignore any plan but your own.....it's all babble and a waste of your time........do not help her in any way with any of this........tell her you willl not discuss divorce or breaking up your family.........you will not help her, don't make it easy for her, make it as bleak and hard as you can.
Make her get her emotional needs from the OM......cut yourself off from her .....don't let her get any fixes at all

At exposure, as my W was flipping out, she called her one true confidant -- her aunt.

Put her on speaker phone with me there as she was going ballistic on me, threatening divorce, saying I was crazy for doing this, etc.

I'll never forget this: aunt calmly said to her "hubby wouldn't have ANY reason to do this if YOU hadn't had the affair, would he?"

(she also added later: if OM is so great, why aren't you with him now instead of at home with BS and kids???"

End of conversation. W stopped cake-eating. Affair done.

(momentary threadjack)

Jessitaylor Would you consider putting spaces between paragraphs? I think your posts are great, but that much text is overwhelming. ((thanks))

TigerWes, you said
"Well, I guess he really doesn't care about me, or he would be fighting for me. Seems all he wants to do is embarrass me."

Nope. Most BH seem to think the affair is about hurting them. Or that WW is somehow taking BH's actions into account. They do not. WW only thinks about BH when he gets in her face or makes her uncomfortable. Basically when she can't avoid him.
I did not want my BH to fight for me. I wanted him to make it easy for me to leave. So no -- there is no thoughts about if he cares or not.

Also, give SW some credit. He has accomplished some very difficult tasks. Its our job to stay on him and make sure he finishes -- but I'm not sure why you're so angry with him. HTLD and HFD were wayyyy more frustrating! (hugs guys...heehee)

SW --

1. Find OM's parents - expose.
2. Plan Spring break trip
3. Start some home projects
4. Invite WW to dinner at house
5. Change the locks


If you haven't already, I would let the kids know that you ARE STILL fighting for the family. Let them know that you have a plan. Let them know what the plan is. Be specific.
Let them know you are following a program designed by a well-regarded man, Dr. Harley, who specializes in dealing with infidelity. Tell them right now you are in the first phase of the plan -- that includes exposing the affair and bringing the consequences down on WW, but also includes showing her that home is a safe and wonderful place to be. Use the "carrot and stick" ideas. Tell them this phase lasts for a specific time, and if mom isn't willing to end the affair, you go to the next phase which is cutting her out of your life and not meeting any of her needs.

I think they will naturally follow your lead. That way you are not manipulating or planting ideas in their heads.

Well, Lexxxy, I apologized to him. Don't know what more I can do there. I wasn't angry with him, I was frustrated and lashed out in the most improper fashion when he lashed out at me. No excuses though. I was wrong.

With all due respect, I DO believe I've given him plenty of credit for what he has done. It's just the part he hasn't done.....

No matter. I don't have the right to communicate with him the way I did, and, SW, again...I apologize.

Back seat time

Lexxxy,

No harm -- sometimes the truth hurts.

Thanks

TW and all. Don't be hard on yourselves for coming down on me. I know you're just trying to help. No apology necessary.

Jessi, thanks for your reply. I needed that feedback.

WW did not have a lawyer draft up the divorce papers. According to my lawyer, he said it sounds like she just got a 'divorce pak' at the court house, filled it out and filed it, and paid the fee.

Everything is handwritten by her. I even know her enough to say that she was getting hasty when marking the check boxes near the end of the forms.

The lawyer said throwing/threatening other man with adultery will not work. He said you would not want to do this because you would be filing criminal charges against him.

Now with that said, I have thought about texting WW to ask her whether she knew adultery was a felony on our state.