Hello. I am new here however I have spent the past couple of days here om MB trying to research and get acquainted the program and basic needs. So,if I am doing something wrong here just tell me.
So my story is this: first husband and I had two children and divorced after 4 years of marriage. He was abusive while I was pregnant so it was unsalvageable. Met my second husband in 2008. Married a year and a half later. He has 3 kids. All of our kids are ages 6-9 currently. I work full time as a teacher and husband works full time as well. I am the main caregiver to my children since I am their primary custodian and he works odd hours some weeks.
Our exes have been a huge stressor to our marriage since they are now friends and do everything in their power to break us up. Husbands ex tries as hard as she can to get her/his children to hate me....and I am sad to say it is beginning to work.

Slowly over the past year our marriage has turned toxic. I am at fault as much as he. He is a wonderful husband and father. I am very lucky to have him. But when we "discuss" things he becomes horribly emotionally abusive. I am one to usually not fire back but I have and feel horrible when I do. I always apologize. He does not. He even has told me I am a b ....h, horrible mother, disgusting, horrible housekeeper etc. but then his excuse is that it was said out of anger and I should brush it off. Fast forward to now.
Got into a fight the other day. He said he snapped and no longer wants to be married and wants a divorce. I begged for him to give it a chance. Kept getting a firm no. Last night he said he would give me one last chance but I had change by today. The list was crazy and almost unattainable in a days time. Ex: be nice to him at all times. Let him remove our dining room table and sell it so he can get a treadmill. Clean the house all of the time and I quote "fold clothes every night. Do dishes. Clean out closets. ....." the list just keeps going. And my question that I dared to ask was. "who does it now". Because honestly. I may not do these things as his ex did, but she also did not work. I get to work at 7 after getting myself and kids up.....fed....backpacks packed...etc. but I do have the luxury of taking my children to work with me since I am a teacher. But that also means they come straight to my class once the last bell rings. The last part of my day is trying to get work done with my kids. Then take kids home with me about 6 and clean what I can, homework, dinner So when I asked him last night about my feelings and what I need. He simply said...." I am not the one begging to keep our marriage intact". So my question is.....do I do as he asked with a smile?

Hi. I would make sure to stop LBs. What do you fight about? How does it start? It's easiest to stop a fight before it even gets going, and either party can do so by refusing to engage in the LBs required to get one going.

Don't make excuses why you can't do something on his "list". Simply tell him you cannot do it but you'd be willing to hire it out, trade off work wirh a neighhbor,etc. to get it done. Just an aside, my H used to get mean and ugly about DS, too, which I was doing the best I could, and Steve Harley had each of us make a list of chores that we wanted done, and when, and how much time we thought it should take. Mine was about a quarter page long, H's was three pages! Then Steve told us, "Now each of you do the things on your own list." bwahaha. We don't argue about DS anymore, especially after H spent six hours cleaning the floor, only to have it get smudged and crumbs on it an hour later. We have four children.

I do not like your Hs attitude, he clearly feels like he has the upper hand. How did his first marriage end?

To me it sounds like there's more going on here than just a few DJs and conflicts about domestic support.

Have you checked that he's not having an affair? Perhaps with his ex? His tone sounds contemptuous - very wayward spouse-like.

I'm a newbie so not the best person to ask but if your H is NOT having an affair, you should start with ordering Lovebusters and His Needs Her Needs and do the questionnaires. You and H should also be drawing very strong boundaries against your two ex's that protect you and your relationship.

How is your UA time?

First off, let me thank you for responding so nicely since I was nervous. I loooove the list thing! That would be a great thing to do. And funny that you ask about his first marriage. It ended after 10 yrs of marriage but it seems to me over the same exact thing. And sometimes the stories he tells of her are beginning to mirror what he tells me of myself. Since she has been so vicious towards me, I just assumed he had been the "good" spouse. My feeling on that has definitely changed.

I am having to research the abbreviations. UA time? Not sure what that means. He is NOT having an affair. However I can see where he would want to at times. He talks about how miserable he is constantly. We do have very strong boundaries towards exes however can't control what they do when the children are with them. We have filed contempts in court however it is considered hearsay since I don't want the kids to testify.

Today is my first day to "prove" to him I can be nice and "obey" his list. I am trying but he is using this as an opportunity to do whatever he wants. Last year we had discussed a tree house but decided to spend the money on something else and it wasn't something I really wanted. He knew that but I never objected. The reason is that we have a tiny yard right now. So this morning he went to pick up his kids walked in the door and said to the kids. "tell her what we are doing in a few weeks". Of course it is building the playhouse. It was an intentional jab. Since it comes on the heels of his other projects he WILL be doing no matter what I think. We have a really small house with small rooms so the bunk beds make sense. He told me that he is taking them down today as well as getting rid of the dining room table I bought so he can get a treadmill. Again when I asked if my opinion matters he said. " if you don't like it, you can leave just like I am going to do if you can't accomplish the list". " this isn't about you anymore to save this marriage it is about what I want.....remember I didn't beg....I left!".

So once again I am asking if I should obey his rules or just leave it. I don't want to waste everones time on here if he isn't even willing to try or at least identify his part in the break down.

Thank you again and sorry so lengthy.

Hi FA, welcome to Marriage Builders. You can turn this around if you use this program, but it won't happen if you agree to do things that make you unhappy. A better way is to find solutions that make you both happy. I would get the books Lovebusters, His Needs, Her Needs for Parents and follow the guidelines in there. This program is pure gold if you really follow it. In the meantime, here is an article that gives you a strategy to turn your marriage around: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Another resource that is free is the MB radio show that plays every weekday. You can really get a good understanding of the program by listening to it. you can also send them an email for advice and they will answer it for free. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

His plan won't work. He is asking you to sacrifice to make him happy, which essentially means he wants you to suffer on his behalf. That request means he doesn't care about you. Even if you tried to do the things on his demand list [and that is all it is] you wouldn't be doing them for long because people don't do things they hate for long.

A better way is to find solutions that make you both happy. You can't have a happy marriage if you are sacrificing your happiness for his. It just won't happen.

I would print out this article and explain to him that you want to have a happy marriage, and because you want that, you can't agree to his demand list. Tell him that making sacrifices does not lead to happy marriages, it leads to resentment, incompatibility and fighting. Tell him you don't want that for your marriage and ask him if he would consider using the Marriage Builders program to turn this around.

I am going to offer this to him again since this morning het responded with a quick"nope. There are no negotiations until I feel that you are going to change". In other words " do what I say and I might give you a chance"

That won't work. It is unsustainable. Explain to him that you want a happy, romantic marriage, but acceding to one sided demands will not achieve that.

FA, the abbreviations are listed here

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1984040#Post1984040

UA stands for undivided attention, it's an essential ingredient to being in love. Healthy couples should spend 15 hours a week together - dating, talking, SF (sexual fulfillment - one of the top emotional needs), no TV, no kids. Couples who have problems should spend a lot more UA time together.

I think you should also look at the Policy of Joint Agreement (abbreviated to POJA). This is an essential strategy when resolving arguments of this nature. It seems men particularly like this strategy because it's very practical, there's no need to be empathetic.

The key to getting your H onboard is to make MB sound attractive to him. Present it as something that will help him to have his needs fulfilled in the marriage. Try and work out his emotional needs if he won't fill out the questionnaire himself. From what you write, it sounds like Domestic Support is his primary need, but actually, it is not an INTIMATE emotional need. That he focuses on this suggests that he's not getting his top emotional needs met: Sexual Fulfillment, Affection, Conversation.

FA, let me put this another way. Is the goal just to keep him there by agreeing to his demands? If so, then your marriage won't last long anyway.

Your marriage will last if you create a romantic relationship and learn to meet each others needs in a way that takes both of your interests into consideration.

So basically just go ahead and start packing. I printed out the overview of this program and He wouldn't hear of it. " I am done. Don't you get it? This was all you. You did this.". Said he doesn't even want to be married anymore. Blaming me.
I guess this is typical mental abuse (When I confronted him on the issue he said "I can't believe you would ever even suggest that about me. You are the crazy abusive one". I digress...my behavior is typical. Being that I keep thinking. " what if he is bluffing to see if I really do leave or is just angry and will comeback. ". Is there a way to see if he is really just messing with me or serious?

Also. I have searched for a post similar to mine but to no avail. If anyone has any suggestions where to look please let me know. I just dint want to do a repeat for you guys since i know you are busy Im actually confused as to what to even call my situation. Since it isn't an affair and he is digging in heels not to try but yet giving me another chance. Ugh.

I wouldn't pack at all. I would leave the article lying around and just let him know that this plan could fix the problems.

Can you afford counseling with the Harleys? Steve Harley can be very persuasive and might be able to sell him on the program. It runs about $200 a session. Little pricey, but he is worth every penny. He won't waste a minute of your time with psychobabble.

There are thousands of posts like like yours. But what we are telling you is right in line with Marriage Builders, so you don't have to go search.

In the meantime, I would STOP fighting with him. Stop it.

What are his main complaints about you? What are you doing that upsets him so much? [besides fighting with him]

The four intimate needs are sexual fulfillment, conversation, affection and recreational companionship. These should be met during undivided attention time.

I would stop fretting over his threats and demands, and focus on not lovebusting (no angry outbursts, no annoying behavior) and be pleasant and let him know that you don't want him to leave but if he chooses to do that, you will be okay, because you have no intention of remaining in a one-sided marriage anyway. You have a plan through MB and you hope he will look it over and give you his thoughts, and would he like a cold beverage? Some chips?

DO NOT engage in any fighting. I have found that refusing to take fighting bait freaks men like your H out more than anything. Scares them rather than relieves them.

Thank you Mirabelle. Yes we have a beautiful intimate life together when we are getting along. I am filling out forms now so I can present it in a better light to him. I am not sure if the domestic support is an issue or not since I think he uses it to hurt me. He knows how important it is for me to have a clean house and knows I have a difficult time keeping up with it all. At this point anything he says to me is to hurt me. I have become very defensive but inwardly if that makes sense. I almost cringe when he wants to have a conversation.

FA, don't fill out any forms right now. Focus on selling him on the program and AVOIDING LOVEBUSTERS AT ALL COSTS. NO FIGHTING. NO FIGHTING, NO FIGHTING.

What are his main complaints about you? What are you doing that upsets him so much? [besides fighting with him]

CWMI.....Wow that was great advice. Thank you. I like the way you worded it. I need to hear that standing up for a good marriage and not one sided one is ok. I just don't want to give up,if there is a little glimmer of hope. He is gone right now and plan to start with the principles/exercises,tonight.