greetings all,
A year ago, my wife found out I had an affair while I was stationed in Germany and she was still in the US. I compounded matters by trying to deny/lie about it, but as would be expected it failed. However, my wife stayed, up until I deployed to Afghanistan, where I am now. Now, this past september, my wife found out I also visited the red light during the time of the affair, and gave me an ultimatum that she would sleep with whomever she wished while I was deployed, or I could get a divorce. I chose the former, because I had severed all female contact outside of my wife, and wished to show her how far I was ready to go to work on our marriage. Over time, we have become cordial with each other, and when I went home for leave we seemed to be okay. However, recently I found out she did indeed sleep with another man, and also does not want to sever contact with him stating he is a "friend". I also heard, from a friend, that she does not intend to move with me to Texas (my next duty station)and that she is stringing me along for financial support. So, I am now questioning her sincereity and motives, since she has stated repeatedly that she does still love me (though she doesn't say it) and she wants the marriage to work, and that she intends to go to Texas. So, i really dont know what to believe. Please help.

Wish someone would post....if anyone is curious I am willing and wanting to talk more.

It is early Saturday morning and one of the slowest times.

This is what I suggest.

Get JAG to draw up all No contact letters to whomever they need to go, "Use the example from Surviving an Affair." CC: your wife on all of the documents.

Get JAG to also draw up your extraordinary precautions for her. Something you will need to include in your EP's concerns your military behavior. You need to prove to her your boundaries will be mortar tough when you are away from her.

EP #1) I will let all commanders know moving forward that I engaged in an affair while deployed. I will let my command know that I use three men of honor, character, and integrity as my accountability coaches when I am away from my wife.

EP #2) I will always be a family man while deployed ... no consumption of alcohol, never left alone with any women, will not discuss my marital life with my colleagues, and I will use the 3 men to prove to my wife I have tough as nails boundaries.


Next, Find out who this OM is, gather the evidence of the adultery (her word is sufficient), and do a Nuclear exposure. I will bump Exposure 101 for you so you can see how to do it on Facebook. Make life for this OM hell. If he is military then file adultery charges.

Immediately begin Plan A. Your wife is a full blown addict ... just like you were ... she is to not be listened to and is to not be taken serious. Just stick to Plan A and vent here. Do not mention her adultery ... only mention you plan to save your marriage.

In the meantime, try all you can to EXPOSE the adultery.

This is where it gets tricky. She admitted to sleeping with him, and considering I "agreed" to the ultimatum, I dont know if this can be considered an affair or not. Bottom line is, I severed all contact with all females outside of my wife, my chain of command do know I had an affair and am helping me keep my head on straight, and I am doing all I can from half a world away (I am in Afghanistan) to show her I love her and only her, though I am terrified she is just playing me for the fool until she is ready to divorce me.

Monty,

Are either your wife or the OM military?

You think she is playing you for the fool? Wasn't it you that played her for the fool earlier? Why would you think she wouldn't be any different than you are/were?

AM

No, my wife nor her Jody are not in the military.

As for playing her for the fool, yes, i did play her for the fool, and I live with that shame every day. I object at this point because I am doing all I can to do the right thing and work on our marriage. She has professed she still loves me and wants to work on the marriage. If she does, then doing stuff like that isnt part of the equation, doesn't matter who you are. And if people feel that it's an eye for an eye, then why should I bother?

This suggests to me you are still foggy ... of course it is an affair you both are married to each other ... THAT IS 100% ADULTERY

You have to take extraordinary precautions and begin living by them immediately.

Right now all we know is you cannot control what your wife is doing ... the only thing you can control is YOU.

Your plan is to Plan A, and I bumped it for you ... You have a carrot and stick ... You have to EXPOSE her adultery, so if you need to hire a PI, then do it.

Plan A is all you can do ... Even though you are deployed.

Somethings you can do in your deployed state ... Buy her gifts ... hire her a cleaning lady ... buy her gift cards for manicures/pedicures ... call her / SKYPE with her daily ... do whatever you can to make her life great.

I would take steps with JAG to get her a document of your EP's, so she knows you are serious.

I think it is great your CO is backing you and helping you be accountable.

The best you can do until you get home is Plan A ... you will have to work extra hard to prove your EPs to her ...

Thanks Pray. I try my best, I call her as often as I can, and I can't expose the affair when it's admitted to, granted I did tell her that if we are to work on this then there can't be third parties, for me OR her. I just dont know what she feels or if anything I say or do is registering with her. I would have expected her to leave a LONG time ago, with the cheating and lying, but she hasn't, which makes me hope but at the same time question her motives. You are right, I can only work on myself, and I am doing that (counseling, transparency, utter loyalty to my marriage), I just am so confused.

And what does foggy mean?

Foggy means you are not seeing the adultery for what it is and you are making excuses for it.

Adultery is committed when you drop your boundaries and let someone of the opposite sex meet your needs.

Please read Mortarman's thread, GJM's thread, Stillwaiting1963's thread ... EXPOSURE HAS TO HAPPEN.

You will only get your wife back when you can kill her affair.

In the meantime please read Pepperband's Plan A thread, get your EP's sent to your wife ... Breathe, Relax, and Smile

One more note Monty - her adultery is not your fault.

Granted your adultery lead to her adultery ... it still isn't your fault.

All you can do right now is clean up your side of the fence ... you cannot clean up hers.

The military is unlikely to become involved since it is two civilians having an affair.

It is very difficult to plan A when one spouse is deployed. In our situation, I never really figured out how to do it well. Monty, is it possible to take leave for a couple of weeks and go home?

Who can influence your wife? parents? friends? They need to know what is happening. Besides the military, who knows about your past affair and other sleazy behavior? your friends and relatives?

Is the om also married?

Praying, just as a note. I don't believe one spouse's adultery leads to another. I did not start an affair after finding out about my husband's affair. I do agree, though, that everyone needs to clean up their own sides of the fence.

AM

I understand what you mean by foggy now. I freely admit, truthfully, that my adultery was an insensitive, terrible, and selfish thing, with no reason whatsoever to justify it.

Now, I can't take any leave, and the earliest I can see my wife is July. JAG would be tough to get in touch as well, since I am at a small FOB in the middle of nowhere in Eastern Afghanistan. I can tell you what I HAVE done:

Severed all contacts with any females besides my wife. I no longer have facebook, myspace, or even any sort of IM. I also deleted all phone numbers, etc. I also have given my wife my passwords to my personal and work email accounts.

I have been doing personal counseling through militaryonesource.com for almost 4 months now. I have sent my wife all my appointment slips, and also gave her the contact info to my counselor in case she wants to verify I am doing what I say I am.

I take care of her and show her support in all ways I can. I enabled her to attend cosmetology school, and support her 100% financially. This may not be much, but it is all I can do until when, or If, I am with her again. I have written her letters telling her how deeply sorry and ashamed I am, as well as how much I DO love her. Wrote her poetry, whatever else I can do.

I understand, AM, about cleaning up my side of the fence. I am very well into that. I just wish I knew where she stood. Some things tell me yay, some nay. And as for the exposure, I dont know how to go about it, besides telling her mother. Friends wouldn't care (and frankly, I am sure they all know), and I dont think the OM has a girlfriend or wife that I can inform. The person who told me is a friend of the OM as well, so maybe I can send a message through him. I don't know.

Monty - the best you can do is turn into the man you want to become ... Plan A her as best as you can at this time.

Every chance you have to speak to her is a Plan A moment.

Is there a chance you can call into Dr. Harley? He is working with the military on this issue of adultery. He is a wealth of information.

email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com ... See what he can do for you. I promise he will email you back. They love and support our military.

Again, thanks pray. I am doing all I can to turn into the man I want to become, which, frankly, was the man she fell in love with. A cheater is not who I am. I will look into emailing the doc, though I dont have money to sling around. Again, thank you.

MBradio is Free

Okay, then I will try that. I sent my wife flowers (she loves roses) just because. Thanks again for all the support and advice so far.

Monty,

It sounds as if you are doing the right things.

Contacting the radio show is a good idea. In other cases, Dr. Harley has worked with military chaplains. Also, read the book, "Surviving an Affair".

How long have you and your wife been married? How many years apart due to assignments/deployments? Do you have children?


AM

AM,
We have been married for almost 3 years, and have been together almost 5. We dont have any children, unless you count our dogs. I will probably email the radio show, but I have no way of listening to it or whatnot (I am in Afghanistan).
I am trying to do all the right things, frankly the hardest part I am having is just keeping faith long enough to not quit and be back in a position where I can SHOW my wife I have changed. It is very hard.