I will have to check with a lawyer outside of family practice to see if it's something anyone would tackle. I just want a lawyer to send a letter threatening to file charges if he doesn't back off.

PI, with all due respect, your WH is an absolute idiot. Sorry, just sayin'. If he could only see the efforts you are making right now, he would be floored. Of course, with the fog he's in, he's blind and couldn't see it with the Hubble Telescope. That little floozy has nothing on you. He'll fall one day.

This is for you as well SW. She just can't see right now. She's in that fog, and it's thick. This one is pretty entrenched, but not unrecoverable, not by a long shot. Your WW can't see, but guess who can? Yep, POSOM. Your WW probably described you as a mild mannered type that wouldn't fight. You proved her right..for a while anyway. That first shot at exposure on her has him thinking. And thinking BIG. IMO, this is why you got papers today. He's steering this ship, not her. This is why you have to complete (well, initiate) exposure on him and attack from every legal angle possible. He's not convinced you're man enough to take his sorry [censored] down. Of course, this is all according to what your WW has told him. Now, he's not so sure.

Convince him

SW, how would you file criminal charges? Do you really even need a lawyer to do that?

Thanks, Miss Bliss. I've felt all day I was too brutal and actually lost sleep last night thinking about it. Trying to help sometimes comes with a personal price to pay for such efforts.

That's okay. I can deal with that.

yes, yes, yes! how *fortunate* you are to live in a state that supports marriage! for goodness sake, you have an amazing tool you can use in your fight to save your marriage. by all means, use it! the fact that even the state has consequences just helps expose the a for what it is.

Did you read this my friend? You can have this. This can be you!! You just have to fight for it. We've given you a path. It's up to you to travel it.

My two cents on the state of Wisconsin still seemingly having adultery on the table as a legal issue:

If you find a lawyer willing to take this on....I am not sure I see the logic of them send a letter threatening to file charges....but.... I do see the logic in actually filing them.

Threats are not as powerful as doing something. A threat would perhaps have the affair go way underground more than be ended. If you file a case against him, he would need to actually defend himself in a court of law and actually have to pay a fine or go to prison. Why would you not want to tie him up in that if you could?

Threats are an attempt to educate. The procedure of filing a charge against something recognized as worthy of legal action in the state is an attempt to address the actual situation.

t/j Thanks Tiger t/j

Now Still - I am proud of you that you are attempting to get a document threatening OM ... SO VERY PROUD OF YOU!!!

You're getting good advice SW. I don't know what else to say to motivate you to save your marriage. Meh, not going away anyway. I just don't know what else to say. I wish I had more to offer, but I fired my big gun last night.

I'm sincerely sorry it wasn't enough to help.

Debating whether I should move my thread over to Divorced/Divorcing forum. Or start a new one there. Right now I need a place to express my feelings about what's going on. Or maybe see if there's another website that lets me just talk about things if I need to.

I understand the drive behind that one little last bit of exposure - OM's parents, and really that's the only push left regarding exposure. Also, the other push of seeing if I can put any legal pressure on OM in regards to adultery - and that is entirely whether there are any lawyers in the area that would be willing to put their neck out there amongst their peers for something that is rarely, if ever prosecuted successfully in Wisconsin. My thought also is seeing as he has a business, he wouldn't just hand such a threat over to his lawyer and say handle this. And I'm not prepared to fight any battle where his lawyer may counter-sue with something if I don't provide exclusive proof that he is even involved in an A with my wife (pictures, etc.). As far as going after her for CS, now that she's filed, how can I go after her for something that will be discussed coming up as part of her filing?

So I'm stuck between these last three pushes that people are asking me to do and looking for a place to discuss Plan A, Plan B, and just my feelings in general. Part of working through something is discussing your feelings with people that are going through or have been through the same thing. Someone who can say they felt the same way and here's what they did or handled it, etc.

Because right now I feel like I need to be in Plan B so I can just shut her out. Let her know that I don't really give a damn about her anymore. That I've taken enough of her treating me (and the kids) like dirt and using us as a doormat for the last 6.5 months. That I'm fed up with her lack of respect for me and all I've ever done for her the last 26 years.

I know she's in a fog right now. I know that some day the fog will begin to lift, I've experienced it myself, so I know it's possible. But right now I don't see ANY way to get a good Plan A in place because she will continue to ignore and avoid me. And me being so proactive towards her will just make her think I'm needy and trying to kiss up to her. So she'll be able to sit back and smile at my pain as the ship sinks and she sits in the lifeboat.

My wife had 3 choices when I exposed her via Facebook: 1) ignore everyone and continue the A or go further underground with it, 2) come back to the marriage, 3) file for divorce. It's obvious that she must have received a barrage of questions about the FB message in order for her to so suddenly make the decision between the three choices. That tells me that the exposure was successful. However, now all she has to say is she's filed from divorce from me as an answer to the A. People will not push her further on why she was immoral and had the A, they will just let it drop figuring her marriage is over. She had an A, not good, but big deal, the marriage is over cause she filed. So I have to be honest that her filing took or will take all the air out of the exposure balloon. Her filing killed that momentum. That also begs the question of whether exposure to OM's parents will have any effect now that my wife has filed. Maybe, but I'd be willing to be that they'll just think that my W is done with the M, and soon will be legal to be with their son. Everything else will just be water under the bridge.

Something else that very well may have some significant pressure on OM is the realization that OM is now responsible for WW entirely. By her filing he is now responsible for ALL of her emotional needs, all of her wants and desires. Not that she came to me for any of those ENs over the past several months, but the connection was severed when she signed those papers, and now she has to go to him entirely for everything, and he will need to come to the realization that HE alone is responsible for HER sacrificing and breaking up her family for HIM. Those are going to be some big shoes to fill. I'm willing to bet this hasn't sunk in to him yet, and he will slowly realize the magnitude of what is about the happen. That he is heading down the path of a full blown relationship with ONE person. That he will not be able to flirt around with girls anymore. That he's bound to a relationship with a cheating woman that was willing to sacrifice everything for him. That if she could throw away 26 years of history within one year, that throwing away 1 or 2 years of history with him will be nothing she needs to think long and hard about if he doesn't meet her ENs.

After what I've been through, I realize alot more about ENs and how to successfully handle a marriage. Since OM went through a divorce, I would expect that he would have learned some things as well, and maybe he will be able to now meet the needs of my wife. Who knows? I do know that he didn't have enough time to process what happened to him before he jumped into a rebound relationship with my wife. I do know that he obviously had some potentially major flaws in himself in order to not salvage his first marriage. Especially being a business owner, he would have the resources to make his then wife happy. I still wonder if there wasn't infidelity on his behalf. It would explain how his conscious would allow him to be with a married woman now.

So I think the impact of my wife filing, flash backs to when his wife (or he) filed, the anguish that my wife will go through during the divorce process, this will impact and make him think. She will be running to him for support, running to him to ask whether she's doing the right thing, asking him if he will do all those things he promised so she knows she's doing the right thing. All these will make him think. I can say this with confidence, because as a man, those thoughts would be going through my mind.

Another thing too is the fact that I have the kids right now over 90% of the time in the marital home. I'm hoping that the court takes that into consideration and hopefully I get the kids more than 50% of the time. Better yet, if I can fight for full custody and placement of the kids. This is what I want. Also that would be a tremendous wake up call to my wife if I were to get more time with the kids than her, permanently.

My wife has yet to feel the full impact of filing for divorce, of exactly just what she has done. I'm sure OM is supporting her, saying you'll get past it, but she will be looking to him for more and more support. Especially if I just ignore her and treat everything as legal from now on (tell her talk to my lawyer if she asks anything). See, she's been used to me being there for her for the last 26 years. Even if it's been in a limited capacity over the past few months, or if it's been a little fight, or just seeing me or hearing my voice once in a while, it's still some type of contact. If I shut her out totally now that she's filed, she will have the full impact of realizing what a divorce will mean. Along with pressure on OM to step up and provide everything, AND the potential for seeing her kids less. If anything will have an impact on her, these will.

I've read stories where exposure successfully brings the WS back. I think if I had known about MB last August or even September, I would have had better success. Exposure while she's still in the house would have had a better impact. Now that she's out of the house, it had an impact, but drove her down the D path instead of returning home. So this is another good lesson for the unfortunate souls that find their way to MB in the future. They can learn from my mistakes.

So friends, please don't chastise me for talking about my thoughts above. Just for my sake, let's set aside the last three little things for a moment, hijack my thread temporarily down a side street, and hopefully have a fruitful discussion. Because whether I am able to go forward with what you're requesting, I'm still going to have these questions that I need to process.

Things I have mentioned above are situations and events that I'm sure have played out in other affairs that are at the same stage as mine. I would like to hear of other experiences that you've seen played out from the stage I'm in. The things I've mentioned in regards to OM above, how they may have affected other AP's in other people's situation.

Added: going to talk to lawyer about seeing if she has to pay for half of mortgage now that she's filed. Even through the D process, if she has to make that additional payment, it would be a significant impact. She wouldn't be able to afford it.

How do things play our for other people?
Various ways. You have to consider that you do the best you can from your side of the equation and the best outcome for you will occur. You don't act a certain way to control your spouse. It isn't really an issue of how to MAKE them behave and come back to work on the marriage. It is more an issue of allowing yourself to handle the angst while having the chance offered to them to come behave and work on it. Chance versus No Chance.

I think you can post here or divorcing.
Surviving An Affair gets more traffic so more people would be here for support but either would work for you.

You are still, like the very good husband, trying to anticipate what your spouse is thinking, doing, etc.

Normal. But, your best path would be to follow a plan for yourself no matter her actions or reactions.

Yes, protect your custody. Yes, check on the mortgage and other financial issues with your lawyer.

Yes, check into filing against the OM. I don't see how he can attack you back for that. He IS engaged in adultery with a woman. Ask a few lawyers on the phone about it in your state and not just one lawyer. They should give you free input in the phone inquiry and I bet you will get differing thoughts on it from each.

Do not engage in divorce talk directly with your wife though. Not if in plan A or plan B. Let your lawyer do any legal communication about it.
I say this because it is not an amicable situation. It is put into motion without your agreement. The affair, the filing are both independant actions by your wife. Let them fall on her lap without your direct support to help them continue.

Right now, you will be going through more soul searching than you have for many years and that will be a rollercoaster of thoughts about who you were, are, will be.

Plan B. If you can not bear to be in Plan A, prepare to go to Plan B. Don't love bust though, no matter what you find out or hear or see until then. It will make going to Plan B far more powerful.

Just keep posting here. If someone can help you they will. If not, they'll just read it and move on. I've had posts not answered plenty of times.

I'm not convinced you're actually going to divorce yet. Until you are ready to go to court to answer the divorce and you see that it's inevitable, it would be time to change the kind of support you're getting. I'd say to keep your thread here for now.

***EDIT***

Gotta go with Road here. Me thinks sw is done, which he can do right now. Just don't waste anyone's time including your own.

***EDIT***

I think you might be wrong here, TR. I think he's just flat worn out. Keep in mind that this crap started LONG before he found this website. This didn't just happen in the past 2.5 weeks since he started posting here. It's a shame he didn't find this place sooner, but it's even more saddening that he has tossed in the towel. He's in a better position than he thinks, but just won't pull the trigger! He has them on the ropes, but refuses to deliver the knockout punch. I really just don't understand it. I sit here and really do want to wring his neck and MAKE him do what he needs to do. If for nothing else, his pride. If you go down, go down fighting and fighting HARD!!!. But, I'm reduced to just typing.

Alright, SW, now I'm talking to you. Heavy sighs here brother. If you truly are done fighting the good fight, then that's your right. You've been severely wronged, and your get out of jail free card is there for you to cash in at your leisure. But if this is truly the route you want to take, then make it EXTRAORDINARILY difficult on her. Counter file on adultery charges. Seek full custody, CS, and alimony, and tell your children everything your are doing and why. They'll respect you for that..that I promise you. You may not get everything you petition for, but you WILL get her to thinking.

One thing I want you to think about is one of my favorite quotes. Seriously think about this......

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable."
- Sydney J. Harris

My hurt friend, you don't want to live the rest of your life saddled with the weight of this level of regret.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

***EDIT***

Road, what you have to understand is that he doesn't think like you and I. You and I are of the same ilk. That's pretty obvious. Just because we act and react the way we do doesn't necessarily mean we can convince others that aren't like us to react in the same manner. We are who we are. I won't fault him for that. He has his ways, we have ours.

***EDIT***

SW, your best bet is to finish your exposures and STAY in a great Plan A. And let me explain why. You need to inflict as much damage as possible on the affair NOW and then sit back and wait for the affair for to crumble. As the affair crumbles, you will be seen as a nice, safe place to land. Your exposure efforts will be the beginning of the end for the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so your exposure will hasten its death. But you can't afford to forgo exposing to the OM's family because this will make it much harder for your wife to show her face to his family.

While you might not see immediate damage, be assured it is causing damage. When your wife and OM have to explain their actions to others, it erodes the fantasy more and more. So don't stop here.

The reason you should stay in Plan A is because the odds are very much in your favor of getting her back. 95% of affairs die a natural death within 2 years. The 5% that make it to marriage end up in divorce 75% of the time. On the other hand, 65% of marriages that experience infidelity stay together/reconcile. So see, the odds are way in your favor.

When the affair is exposed, it creates conflict in the affair. This pushes the downward spiral that affairs experience because it injects reality into the affair. Once that happens, the lovebusting begins. They don't have the benefit of Marriage Builders so once the fantasy fog starts to erode, they are left with nothing other than 2 selfish, dishonest people. The very traits that made the affair possible will cause its fast erosion.

So stay in Plan A. Sure, she is angry at you right now because of your exposures, but it would be foolish to allow the anger of a WW to dictate your plan. She is the falling down drunk who is angry because you took the car keys away. No sane person would allow that anger to disturb him. Nor should your wife's anger over exposure be allowed to bother you.

Don't let yourself get distracted. I didn't read all of your post because I don't think you are very objective when it comes to your own situation. I hope you think about that, SW. I am not trying to be rude, but you drove your marriage into a ditch. You don't know how to save a marriage. We know what works, you don't.