It's not even 24 hours and it all fell apart. Married 12 years, two small children. Husband became addicted to ipad game. Started a emotional affair with a girl in Iran. She's much younger than him and I don't even care about her details because the bigger issue is his lack of marriage protection. The scariest part, we've been through marriage counseling, we have all the tools to deal, we've worked this website, we knew the signs to be aware of. I noticed his distant behavior. His obsession with playing the game. Well I caught him having personal chats with this girl yesterday and the half truth came out.

She lives in Iran, and they've been talking for two months. He's emotionally attached and questioning his desire to be married. I'm numb. I don't know what to feel. I don't know if I have the fight in me to care to save it. I'm exhausted.

Financially we are tight. Underwater home, lots of bills, cars, and I'm a stay at home mom. I can't even imagine how to support myself and maintain a sense of normalcy for the children. I know how to do all the practical things, sleep, vitamins, fresh air but how do I get over my fear of unraveling 12 years of a life?

Oceangirl, having dug into your other threads, it seems you found he was on adult sex sites in 2007.

The only mention of recovery from this was a non-MB counsellor who liked to blame you for being too jealous.

Few q's please to guide our advice

Are there any other A's?
What snooping methods do you have in place?
Are you sure this is an EA not a PA?

It sounds like he is a serial cheat and you will need to present him with very stringent conditions if he wishes to remain in the marriage.

Get legal advice on how to protect your finances immediately.

We live in the Us and she is in Iran- so no physical contact except voice through some chat program. He slept at a hotel last based on my request. Came home a hour or so ago and we talked. More details. It's been hot and heavy for about two weeks. Emotional connection, courting, not sure if sexting invovled but I'm not so focused on that.

He's confused and I'm confused. I feel like I should be more angry but I'm numb and sad. He said when he left the house he chated with her all night about the situation. He thinks he's in love of infatuation, he can't tell. We both are feeling ambivalent about our marriage.

I don't know if I want to save it and he want's to pursue this girl except he admitted he doesn't hold out much home based on their geographical distance. he's more upset at losing the boys than me he said. He doesn't doubt his love for me and describes himself as "attached" but it's the typical response when in the midst of a emotional affair.

He is finding a place to stay this week, my thoughts are to let him chase and run the course of his new love while I focus on putting my life back together. I need to focus on the kids.

I don't know what to do. Legally we are both saying to take our time to figure this out.

I'm in a state of shock and I just don't know how words on a computer wipe out a family of 12 years.

Have you considered using Marriage Builders concepts to save your marriage? You didn't the last time and here you are for a repeat affair. Do you want to try it out this time?

OG, people that don't use these tactics for recovery often end up back with repeat affairs. It is a very, very narrow road. If you are interested in recovering your marriage this time around, I would start by setting the bar very high. And if your husband doesn't get on board, I agree you need to separate. But I would separate and go into Plan B until he meets all of your conditions. You have nothing to lose except a future of more affairs.

I would start by exposing his affair wide and far. Everyone should know everything. [read my link in my signature for talking points] I would tell your children, his family, your family, close friends. Ask them all to speak to him about his despicable behavior.

Then lay out your conditions. Ask him to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [found in SAA]

Set him down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell him you are willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OW for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

7. no more online time unless you are there with him

Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage."

Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe.

He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage and you will have to endure more affairs.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if he won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!

If he won't agree to these conditions, I would send him a Plan B letter, go dark, and change the locks.

My snooping method was just instinct. He has been acting distant for two weeks or so. Dismissive and basically detached from me and the kids. Then he hid his chat window when I walked up. Interest in losing weight even though his odds of meeting her are slim.

Sounds like he can not handle internet interaction. It sounds like his mode of betrayel.
Could you stop his iPad data program? The internet account at home? Cell phones with internet access?

What do you make of Melody's excellent advice to lay down firm conditions?

If he were to get fully on board with recovery, and making amends to you, you may feel more interested in the marriage.

If not, Plan B offers a great deal of healing. Read my sig. Plan B is just what the doctor ordered (no more sadness or shock in my case!) if you have an unrepentent spouse.

Why did you stay with him last time, was it because you don't have a way to support yourself? If so, it'd be good to remedy that situation. A person should remain in the marriage for the right reasons, not the wrong ones...the right ones would be that both of you are sincerely giving your marriage best effort and commitment, start with learning MB principles, there are a lot of helps available here. MelodyLane has given excellent advice, now it's up to you.

I don't know why I would do marriage saving when he clearly wants to continue his affair? He all but said he can't stop communicating with her and yet in the same breath said he sees no future with her because of the distance. His only heartbreak seems to be missing the kids and the overall disruption of his life. He wasted no time going back to his online game and online love.

I feel as the only option is to let him go with my dignity intact.Am I wrong?

I stayed because I love him. I wish I could turn it off and our life was nice. Not nice financially, nice as in we lived well together. I thought we were great friends. I was hoping he was honest with me with his thoughts and desires. We had a good sex life, we had fun hobbies (motorhome camping) we had great laughs and generally enjoyed each others company. Now I feel as maybe it was just one sided. That makes me sad.

Working the plans means giving your m the best shot but letting go with dignity is plan b

So I was wasting my breath in my post?

Oceangirl you do not have to make a decision to follow the plans - you follow the plans to keep your options open and make a decision later on.

I assume you at least want the support of family and friends so you need exposure anyway.

It worries me that you are listening to his talk of what he wants and believing him.

Addicts say stuff. It is not wise to listen. Better to get to work on killing his addiction. He might have something sensible to say when the addiction is dead.


In the meantime do exposure so you have moral support and some help in stopping your husbands totally immoral and addictive behaviour. Start the intervention.

I don't know why I would do marriage saving when he clearly wants to continue his affair?...I feel as the only option is to let him go with my dignity intact.

Well, now we have the solution staring us right in the face.

Yes, by all means, let him go.

Given your current mind-set, that is the best result you should expect. Anything else would require massive effort and possible anguish, to FIGHT for what you should see as your due.

You don't really have that within yourself, do you? Your way of approaching a problem is to "wish" it away, or, even better, to have a third party fix it for you. And if his misbehavior does go "quiescent" for a period, you're oh so ready to declare a miraculous victory (until the next, worse, time).

So you, with amazing power to ruin her life at your disposal (what does the religious police over there in Iran usually do to women acting "inappropriately"?) instead sit here and whine about the injustice you are suffering! Mind-boggling, actually!

I think I'm not writing eloquently because I'm a emotional mess right now. I will try to be clearer about my situation.

When he was trolling adult hook up sites in 2007, we did both marriage builder plan and physical marriage counseling with a counselor. We worked hard and I felt like we both understood the dangers, wanted to protect our marriage and family and were on the same page. Informed about how to protect, what to avoid, how to communicate, how to do love banks, avoiding busting and everything in between. In addition to that we also had the tools and guidance from a wonderful marriage counselor. We had what I thought and what he showed to be a refreshed and solid marriage and friendship and we even decided to expand our family hence the three year old.

We nurtured our marriage and had a policy of honest and open communication ( now I see it was one sided via the current situation) There wasn't a rock unturned, we had every marriage conversation from open marriages to traditional monogamy and all the different things.

When he came home, he expressed he wants to leave me and be with her (via technology because she's far away) and he doesn't want to seek any counseling and he left.

I feel like based on our previous experience that plan b is my only option because he knows all the steps to save and marriage and seems like he's not interested.

I lost as to what to do....and I don't know if a online love affair makes it harder...how do you compete with words on a screen and a voice in chat??

How do I seem exciting when I'm here, raising the kids, crying, scared feeling afraid for my future while he's chatting? I don't know how much of what he feels is true, it's only been two weeks and a real emotional love can't form that fast but he feels it is love.

I wanted him to desire to be married to me not just because of the kids and right now it seems like chasing him would make me look pathetic in his eyes and he would feel disgusted towards me?

I'm sorry if I seem like I'm taking this and giving up but I can't think straight and I'm dead inside right now and I'm trying to hold it together for my kids.

I appreciate all the advice it has been a beacon in the storm.

Ocean, you're tired, griefstruck, angry and panicking. All very understandable but you need to reach down inside yourself now and find that core of strength I'm sure you've got there inside you.

First, STOP PANICKING!

You're in a fantastic situation as BSs go: the OW is in IRAN and you had a good marriage before WH stupidly got hooked in an EA!

I don't think you'll have to do much to explode the EA. OW is highly vulnerable in the case of exposure. Look up her FB page, get the contacts, expose. I think it's quite likely that she'll ditch him immediately.

Expose to your and WH's families and friends.

And then you should probably go into plan B, partly for your emotional protection, partly to keep whatever love you still have for him, and partly because he's going to miss you like hell when he doesn't have you in his life anymore.

So, stop panicking, straighten your spine, and go and look up how you can expose the OW to her family and friends.

You are asking what to do - but Melody Lane has posted a good plan of what someone in your position should be doing.

First off, exposure.

I know you are venting your fears and talking about what your WH 'feels' but neither his feelings or your fears will have any effect on matters.

The Plans will.

So, have you read the Exposure thread in Mels' signatuire?

When can you implement it?

Btw, everything he is saying about not knowing who to choose and 'love at first sight' etc is fog babble at its finest and should be completely ignored. Concentrate on your own plans.

Oceangirl,

His affair with this woman will forever have to be online as the US and the European Union have very strict sanctions against Iran. There is no way he can travel there on a US passport.