So good to hear from you, SP!

I've been wondering how you are doing. Was getting ready to send out a bat signal. LOL

I'm glad your H listened to you and took proper steps to meet your needs. People gotta be told, they can't guess, that's for sure. Guessing got none of us anywhere for an awfully long time, didn't it?! As an added bonus, Mr. Sweet Pea got some positive reinforcement for doing the right thing.

As an update: I didn't send H copies of these posts....yet. We had some stuff come up that took precedence. There was a lot going on at H's office - extremely stressful - with a lot of financial consequences. The stress was hard on me, but MUCH harder on him, obviously. I don't intend to stuff anything, but the whole trigger thing, I felt, could wait until the major work crisis was over. H needed me to be there for him more than I needed to feel better about Sodom. It couldn't be back-burnered, my issues could.

I got a call from H awhile ago and the storm is over. Of course, now that DD20 has come and gone from Sodom - I don't feel upset over it any longer. Yet, I think there are still some basic things here that need addressing. I really don't feel they are major but I am trying very hard to learn not to sweep things aside!

hi sunny. i'm assuming from your sig line that your dday was 2011, so your pain is still very, very fresh - it's no wonder the thought of a certain city makes you upset. if it helps, i'll tell you a little bit of my story.

my fwh went all the way to bloody canada for his weekend tryst that nearly destroyed our marriage. needless to say, anytime we travelled (we live far away in a small country. we need to take passports to go anywhere else) was a BIG trigger - those *&^ stamps in his passport were like silent, deadly bombs waiting to go off and destroy what was left of us. now, you wouldn't think canada would come up too often, would you? (no offense scotty!) but it was like buying a new car; suddenly, canada was everywhere! my mother moved to WA and visited CAN several times. CAN was suddenly a desired destination on tv shows (seriously?!?). one of my fave bands is from CAN, which had never really occurred to me before, but they were touring and all the reviews, of course, talked about CAN. one of my fave authors is canadian, and his stories are set in CAN, so i couldn't read his new book. on and on and on. O CANADA! 4 years ago i probably would've cried just typing "canada." we didn't know about mb then, so didn't know what to do about it, but i managed not to lb over it. fwh, however, was lovely once i told him (that open and honest comm policy is fantastic) how booking travel tickets made me vomit from anxiety, and made a huge effort to defuse any situation that called for CAN (and handled our passports & tickets, my usual job, though i still felt funny).

enough time has passed where i can handle thinking of CAN the country now, and am at a point where i could consider travelling to CAN, at least as a stopover to alaska (haha). one of the best things that happened recently was his passport expired and we were able to get a new one. that helped a lot, because we were able to really talk (post mb, thank you!) about how i felt about those darn stamps.

how would i feel if my dd moved to a certain city in CAN? i don't know. but four years down the road it's a manageable thought, and doesn't make my skin crawl or my stomach heave. you'll get there too. sometimes, from your posts, you are uncomfortable because of what you *think* your h thinks/feels, not so much what you *know.* i was the same way: "oh dear, h must certainly think i _______") keeping that open & honest communication going will really help you there. our h's are much better at meeting our needs when they know what they are, specifically.

ps: i'm a part-time snorer myself - mostly don't snore, but sometimes do like a bear, apparently. it hurts to think that's an lb for dh (who refuses to believe he snores also, despite recordings!). i have done everything possible to deal with it, spending thousands at doctors/dentists, none of whose remedies worked (surgery, devices, you name it, i've tried it). still snore, periodically, for no apparent reason. have no clue what to do next. mostly what i do is encourage him to go to sleep before me, while i scratch his back to facilitate the sleep. it doesn't usually take too long, and i can read at the same time. win-win :-)

Thank you for posting, Letty! It is certainly good to know that someone can relate to what I'm feeling about the darn place. And YES...it is that way, isn't it - that somehow something that used to never come up seems to come up all the time now! It was the same for me with "Sodom" after H's affair. A city/state hardly mentioned all of a sudden was on tv all the time - for their college football team; good friends of ours went on a cross country vacation and sent a postcard from there... now DD's boyfriend is FROM there and visited... SIGH. WHY?!!!! I keep thinking maybe someone is trying to force me to deal with it!

It was the same with OW's name, too: EVERYWHERE.

BUT...just FYI: we've actually been in recovery for over a year now: all the bad stuff was 2010, not 2011. I guess I need to add that to my signature line! I didn't even think about it. So, maybe I should be further along in this trigger business but I guess it just takes time. I'm glad to know that Canada isn't so bad for you now. You're right O & H is GREAT.

On a sidenote: DD20 did tell me a few days ago that H mentioned something to her about downplaying "Sodom" - so I wouldn't feel bad. That's sweet that he was thinking of my feelings.

As for the snoring - you just try to do the best you can, right?! H has gotten better lately - I just realized that! I'm not sure why but it's not as loud as it was. LOL

Great to hear from you! Glad you found MB!

H has gotten better lately - I just realized that! I'm not sure why but it's not as loud as it was.

A secret benefit of getting old(er) - your HEARING goes!

Now that's just mean, NG!!!!!!
LOL

lol, here's hoping! glad to hear h was attuned to your anxiety about sodom. am so happy to have found MB. sadly, i heard from an old friend today that her brand-new h has left her and their baby for an old gf via that marriage-killer, facebook. the first thing i did was send her a link to MB. i hope she shows up here. too much of our society focuses on "you don't need him" rather than supporting marriage. of course, if our society advocated marriage in the first place, there'd probably be a lot fewer of us on this section of the board.

hope you have a lovely weekend, wherever you are. i'm very excited, as we have a half-day long UA planned for tomorrow. i never realised how much i enjoy talking to my husband until we got rid of all the darn distractions!

Thanks, Letty! Hope you have a wonderful weekend as well. And yeah - isn't it funny how you actually LIKE talking together when it's done right?!!!

I sure hope your friend arrives here at MB. My H's affair started on facebook too. Having a new baby going through this is HARD!

glad to hear your holiday went well! we had a nice today today too. had lunch out at the marina (the weather here was finally good - it's supposed to be summer!) then we went to homeware shops (or, rather, what pass as homeware shops here in our tiny town) to look at rugs, curtains, bedlinen, etc. i have suddenly gotten a bee in my bonnet about redecorating our room! husband less than thrilled, as means a) spending money and b) work! lol, but he loves shopping, so it's kinda win-win. and the upside (for him) was i didn't find one thing i liked! but it was nice just walking, talking and sharing ideas. i found some lovely duvets online, and he actually liked all of the ones i had narrowed down. i think i will have to break down and order one, then i can look more at wallpaper and curtains. it's hard to do online when the pictures are so tiny.

i don't know what to do about my friend. i want to help her, but not sure how (she's in the uk now). he's gone to a whole 'nother country in the southern hemisphere to be with the old g/f. what a knob. they've been married 9 months, baby is 1 year old. haven't heard back from her since i sent email with link to MB, but i think it's friday there, so she may be busy at work (plus there's 12 hour time diff). on the positive front, she's been exposing! i wish more of her fb friends (i had a mutual friend show me her page) would support rather than comment things like "you're better off" or "you'll be fine without him." she still has a lb$ balance for him and i don't find those kinds of comments helpful at all, especially if she wants to recover the marriage. if i don't hear from her, i'll write again and encourage her with some specific threads, and with the sample letters.

i've been thinking of starting my own thread, but don't know. we are nearly 5 years post d-day, but i list "in recovery" because we didnt' have mb for most of that time. what do you think? i have only just gotten up the guts to do any posting!

"
lol, here's hoping! glad to hear h was attuned to your anxiety about sodom. am so happy to have found MB. sadly, i heard from an old friend today that her brand-new h has left her and their baby for an old gf via that marriage-killer, facebook"

-----My wifes affair also started on Facebook. How many affairs started in Facebook? It is like a slutty bar or club where people start affairs. Terrible.

Letty: the shopping day sounds just wonderful! H and I have had some of our very best days doing things like that, just knocking around town. I LOVE getting new bed linens, etc...

You DEFINITELY should start a thread. It's such a great way to "meet people" and journal about your experiences. Just the process of writing things can help you find insight into your own world. Posting to others helps brings focus too - and helps them along the way as well, of course.

I understand what you're saying about the facebook posts: people think they are being helpful and encouraging, but they don't know what they don't know! I just can't imagine a man up and leaving his new baby along with his wife! And what a skank that must be, to start that up with him!

Yep! Somehow it always starts "innocently" enough - and therein lies the problem. Most people don't get that they shouldn't befriend old flames or people of the opposite sex without very careful consideration - with their spouse. Until you are hit with it yourself, facebook (and other social media) seems so harmless. It's not: it's an online bar in so many ways.

I have a facebook page but it consists of relatives, women friends, and only a few male friends who are not relatives but are friends with both H and I. I would never send those male friends a personal message I would not eagerly show my H. H has my password. H dumped a good portion of his facebook friends after the affair. He rarely visits it anymore - and that's just fine by me!

HDW, you know, there's actually a website called f***book, which is actually what it sounds like. frankly, that could be facebook all on its own, without the need for a separate site! i agree it could be a great place, IF people had boundaries. i dislike many of their policies and won't use them myself, though i love google+ where i have many friends in my professional field.

oh, sunny, it gets worse. i found out today she (wife) is pregnant. i could just sob for her.

i will consider the journaling. despite having an open book life, i'm a little nervous. will start in word and see how it goes first.

have a great week!

I like the,"Get laid in XXXville tonight!" adds that pop up, end up in the email, or whatever desperate media that wiggles its slimy way into my PC.

Don't get me wrong, they are funny, but what about those who are desperate and confused?

Yeah Facebook is like the bar, where you put your best face forward and cover all your mistakes. The adds and the hype let you be something your not, and most people accually try to solve thier problems with it by complaining to everybody. Of course, there are three sides to the story..Your story..Their story..and then the true story..

But like the police and the courts, the first one there and complaining has the advantage, and the same is true on FB. Squeeky wheel gets the grease, and later they all get the shaft.

I mean if you have a problem with your significant other, why go to someplace that has no idea how to help? Oh wait..they don't want help, they want justifcation for bad behavior, and misery loves company. Besides, who has the time to talk to ameturs<sp>, when the real help is around.

Reminds me of the STYX song, "To much time on my hands"

Can we say naive enough? Dumb enough? I mean, what are they looking for? Or do they just conveniently forget they are married?

" I didn't mean it! "

What did you mean then?

Thing is, if you are going to bring personal issues up, be sure the person you talk to has idea 1 how to handle it. them, and your relationship. Get an adult to talk to, and someone you respect

Yeah, the "I didn't plan on it happening" was one of the many big lies my FWH told me on DDay.

Through MB and therapy, FWH realized that, indeed, he had "planned" his affair. That was an eye-opener for FWH. He assumed, like many waywards, that "fate" had brought POSOW together and their "magical" connection "meant" something.

But MB and therapist in particular showed FWH that he took concrete steps toward his affair (or "self-gratifying anonymous sex," as his therapist names it).

How? By continuing to accompany his brother on drunken "guys weekend" golf trips during which his married brother would screw other women. Each time FWH went on this annual trip, he KNEW what his brother was doing was wrong. But FWH had indulged this behavior, twice, in his first marriage, and assumed because he was happy in our marriage, he wouldn't stray.

But FWH didn't stop his brother, didn't stop the trips and then, guess what? After six years of brother's debauchery, FWH decided to help himself to adultery, too. With a complete stranger, who liked "his eyes." What a great spiritual "connection" that is, eh?

So, yeah. These aren't accidents.

Thank GOD, FWH woke up. Thank GOD for MBs (and therapy).

It is almost comica;, how people engineer these things, and yet when it all looks good, they will take credit.

Reminds me of what Adam said to God when he was questioned why he ate from the tree, "It was this woman you gave me", Trying to blame God.

It brngs to the front that good advice,(Like the therapist and MB), is what is needed, and time having it sink in, to know what we have. Plus time, that thing we think we don't have, to come to the realization of what we have done, who it hurt, what damage it caused. And the accompanied depression and the process, that makes us never want to go there again.

I Thank God and His example through his son, that I don't have to bear stuff alone.

God could have answered Adam, "So you wanted to be alone?" But God doesn't argue with crazy people either, lol.

Yeah the magical thing, funny how that works, and we are leaving God out of it, unles of course, we get caught.

Then we are looking to Daddy to fix it. Thats where we should have went in the first place.

It is almost comical, untill it happenes you

UGH...Your poor friend!!!! I feel for her. I truly hope she comes on MB!!!

I was nervous when I first started posting too - sooner or later it just becomes natural. lol

Hope you have a great week as well!

FYI: I read on another thread - can't remember who it was - about the poster and her husband having a JOINT facebook account. Great idea!

Those ads are AWFUL!!!! They shouldn't be allowed. I mean, come on: infidelity ruins more lives than alcohol or drugs yet THEY aren't allowed to advertise.

The facebook thing kills me: I can't believe how many adults post such intimate and inappropriate things some times. As my mom would say, "Don't these people have any cooth?!"

EXCELLENT points, SP!!! I've never thought about it from that angle but you/your counselor are SOOO right. Unless it was a drunken one night stand then YES, it was planned.

My H would deny planning it, I'm sure. But uh...trolling for positive comments and such on facebook and opening doors to inappropriate conversations as well as walking that road once it started IS indeed, planning. And lets not forget the, "Hmmm....I need to get in shape," mad dieting and exercise program pre-PA. That's NOT planning???

Uh yeah - NOT comical once it happens to you but you're right: we always seem to want help AFTER we've screwed everything up!