Did you get the book, Surviving an Affair? The story of Greg and Sue is how I envision your future. Once the affair was out in the open it went into a freefall and quickly crumbled. That is where this is headed, and that is why you need to get this exposed to the OM's family.

A reminder to posters to give Marriage Builders advice or refrain from posting. Do not attack posters or promote personal philosophies. Thank you.

Amen, Melody, Amen.

Exposure is the BEGINNING OF THE END OF THE AFFAIR.

Hasten its death, brother!

Yes, I bought the book SAA. Read the story of Jon and Sue. I was amazed at the similarities in their story. Time will tell how it plays out.

One thing I want people on this board to remember is that I did expose to her close family members and my family back near D-Day. I then exposed more thoroughly via Facebook a little over a week ago. The OM's parents were not on Facebook, otherwise they would have received the message too. My BIL and I are trying to track down OM's parents, my BIL thought he heard the OM's dad may be dead. People on this board are making it sound like I didn't expose at all, and that's not the truth! Please take into consideration what I've done so far. I did expose to OM's brother and SIL.

Melody, my feeling now towards this FB exposure is I basically forced her hand. She had to come back with something. Her choices were to either come back to the marriage, drive the A further underground, or file for divorce. She chose the latter. But I feel I forced her hand and made her do something she wasn't emotionally or mentally prepared to do yet. DD said that my wife was feeling sick several days last week, possibly because of her hasty decision.

DS's 18th birthday is tomorrow. She filed last week. There is no reason for her to have filed last week. She could have waited until after DS's landmark birthday. DS even mentioned to me he cannot understand why she filed before his birthday. So it's bothering him. By her not waiting, it proves to me that she filed out of spite, out of revenge. And by doing so, she filed before she was prepared to. That will throw a monkey wrench in her relationship with OM.

Also, she now is totally reliant on OM. He has to satisfy ALL her needs. As a man, if I put myself in his shoes, that would be a rude awakening, that the fun I was having with this girl, with virtually no strings attached, has suddenly taken the definite step towards becoming permanent. This girl will now hold me responsible for her happiness and also hold me responsible for the destruction of her family, should I not meet her needs.

That my friends is what I feel will have the most impact on their relationship and if there's any chance that it will crumble it will be that internal conflict. Mainly from the OM.

Is what?

Sorry, hit some keystroke that submitted the post before I finished it. It's complete now.

I want to point out you are talking about a wayward. Please read recovery and how many over their had their spouses leave, file, and go full force with the divorce ... only to come back to the marriage and make a successful recovery.

Please understand your situation is identical to the thousands we see on here, and your odds of saving your marriage favor you.

The advice we are giving you is what has taken your odds to your favor. The plan you are taking is taking your odds to divorce higher.

It is solely up to you which plan you want to follow. Dr. Harley's plan with exposure has proven itself so successful we cannot offer any other counter advice.

You have done a good job and I hope you stay on it until you get the OM's parents.


I agree she wasn't ready which is part of the beauty of exposure. You pushed her into doing something she really didn't want to do, which puts great pressure on the affair. And I am certain she did it to punish you and scare you into silence. Now that some serious reality has been injected into the affair, I predict it's demise has been hastened. Since she has filed for divorce, the onus will be placed on the OM to pick up the slack. Her expectations of him will rise and he is too selfish and thoughtless to rise to the occasion. He is a man of poor character and that will come out soon enough.


I can't decipher your meaning here. Can you clarify what you mean? Obviously you are not responsible for her happiness and the "destruction of her family" so I don't know what you mean by this.

Your wife has no plans
she is doing things from emotional impulses and from listening to enabling people who she is in contact with.

You have this plan and can implement it no matter what your emotions are going through.

It is so much better having a plan because emotions are constantly changing.

Sorry Melody, I was speaking from the OM's perspective, not mine. Speaking that he now has the responsibility to make her happy and if he doesn't meet her needs, she will hold him 100% accountable for the destruction of her family.

Sorry, I didn't word that well initially.

Agreed.

Hello SW,

I have been silently reading your thread without adding anything because I did not think I have anything valuable to add. But I thought I might have something to add today. My H and I have been going through and still are going through a tough time of dealing with A. And my 2 cent advice is to seek counseling with the Harleys. Never spoke to Jenifer, but we found tremendous help from counseling with Steve Harley.

This is my opinion, that not only the WS is in the fog, but the BS is also in a fog - a different kind- not the addiction, but the confusion and the emotional peaks and valleys, the doubt and despair, the pain... all causes us to have a difficult time to believe and understand clearly what we are doing and if the things we do would work, whether they have the positive effect as we wish for or do they back fire us...

I would suggest you to schedule a few sessions with Steve and whatsoever plan he will draw for you is what will bring you success. It could be the same thing as the Vets here gave you, it might be different. But from our own experience, there were amazing things that was told to me and my H that I would never got any where else and they were directly solutions to our problems.

Also, I think you've done a wonderful job and have worked VERY hard to save your marriage. Some people might think you have not done enough, but providing the time a person has each day, the responsibilities of work, home, children... you have done an outstanding job.

With sincere hope for all your success in saving your family...

Minjo

PS. I am not getting any commission to post this :-)

Minjo, thank you for your reply. I agree that a discussion with the Harley's would be beneficial. I think however, that it would have the most benefit if my wife participated. And that would require the A to be over and my wife agreeing to NC, etc.

Right now my wife is in an active A and would not be responsive to talking with the Harley's. At this time, she has to want to come back to the M. However she gets to that point (if ever), on her own or through the OM ending it, either way she has to want this.

SW, Steve probably would not want to talk to your wife anyway since she is a wayward. [the Harley's don't believe in counseling couples together] The benefit from coaching with Steve is that he would give you a strategy to attract her back.

If it were me, I would save that card until later, when you see her affair starting to crumble. That is the time Steve could help the most, IMO.

SW, it's not that people can't see what you have done, it's that they know how important the things that you haven't are and that they COULD have a HUGE impact on your sitch.

You have the ability to post here, and blog, but don't be surprised if people pop up with some helpful advice as well. You can let us know that you are just venting, and we will try to hold back, but we'll probably offer you something.

Now, it doesn't matter that your WW has filed for a D, it doesn't change YOUR plans and what YOU should be doing. Read up on Plan A. Read other people's threads, and execute it. You'll get to the peace of Plan B, and the better you executed Plan A, the better you will deal with Plan B.

Hello still,

I don't look or post here much anymore. Your sitchuation is sort of similar to mine, altho my wife and I are separated not due to an affair but for med reasons. You've benn mnarried for 26 yrs. and me for 43. That is a long time truely in these days. So, consider it a privilege that I am posting to you....*s*

"At this time, she has to want to come back to the M. However she gets to that point (if ever), on her own or through the OM ending it, either way she has to want this."

Your statement bothers me. Yes I agree that she will need to show remourse and a willingness to work on your M, but it seems you are implemneting your Plan B for revenge. Plan B, as I understand, is much more for the sake of the betrayed spouse as a persoanl emotional protection and to preserve any love for him/her. On the other hand, and totally against Marriage Builders principles, you seem to think that the dark plan will bring her back. If you could not do it yourself a PLan B isn't going to.

I realize after reading some of the last posts to you that you feel beaten down etc. And being kicked around. I'll say this as kindly as I can, I feel that you are ignoring, for whatever reason, subscribing to Dr. Harley's advice and the advice those here who have gone thru hell and back! I have not had to go thru hell and back due to an affair and I am very fortunate but, I feel you are abdicating your role as H/protetor because of her filing for D. Women, even after I have been long married to her , are still a mystery to me - especialy my wife . I don't think tho that I would curl up in a ball with no reaction to kill that affair - exposure - presenting myself as the best possible alternative (PLan A) - and yes protecting my financial and parental rights. I will convey to you something I talked about with a friend other night and that was her statement of not how long you are married but what have you done for me recently and how committed (she knows my wife and our situation).

So summary, still, when you get this far in a relationsip with a women (your partner) you get to be a protector more than her persuer. Because you never want to see her harmed in any way or in a serious medical situation or anything else. I get the impression you want to black her out due to your failure to follow the advice here and the result! Last Sat, night local cable had Whitney Houston film on due to her daath - The Bodyguard. Well yea I remember my wife and I sitting in our family room and seeing this several years ago but honestly I recall her asking me if I would do that for her - take a bullet. I felt and told her as I racall it wouldnt happen. Then I feel she was testing as women do and we jokde between us. I wouldn't think once about doing that to protect her - physical or emotional. It does not seem you have the seme zeal even with all the suppost and opportunities here. please explain your reluctance to either contatct the Harleys, or to follow advice here unless you feel totally disengaged from your wife?

Tom

I had mentioned earlier in my thread that I would still take a bullet for my wife, and that the time when I would no longer do that, would tell me that I was no longer in love with her.

Right now, I'm just taking a step back to try and let my mind sort things out. A lot of things hitting me at once, a lot of things vying for my attention in terms of running a family solo, finances, taxes, financial aid for DS school, this D mess, etc.

My sister just told me that she went and looked at OM's Facebook page and his profile pic is no longer of him and my wife. Just a pic of him and his brother, the pic he had before. I find that interesting.

Still,
You need to do what you need to do. If stepping back will help you clear your head then do it.

I think you're in a position of advantage no matter which plan you take.

I'm glad to hear that POS took the profile pic of your wife and his scuzzy behind down. This might be a sign he's tiring of your wife and/or is scared of what else you might do to him.
CT

CT, thanks for the laugh. Yeah he is a POS, that's for sure. I see it, other people see it and know it. We'll see how it plays out.

Obviously something must have pressured the POSOM to remove the pic. With W filing for D, I would think that would be even all the more reason to keep it out there.

Yea, kinda weird that she filed and then he took it down. He cares only about himself. This A is going to crash and burn!