This is what I needed to hear, because this is the stand I've been on since getting served. This is the course I need to stay on. She needs to understand that I'm done with her waywardness. But I'm trying not to LB either.

Thank you CT, you confirmed what I have been feeling and doing.

Your instinct to respond with "why do you care" is dead wrong.

You need to develop a thick skin when it comes to her babble.
Yes, she's trying to hurt you. Because maybe you'll give up.
Make the divorce easier for her. Maybe YOU will push the divorce through instead of making her complete every step.
She wants your HELP in getting divorced.

It would be just great for her if you would jump at her Mediator scheme, and work WITH her to accomplish the destruction of the family!

If you respond to her you need to have a few canned phrases, so you are prepared.

In all cases, do NOT cooperate with the divorce. Drag your feet.
Do not agree with mediation. Do not make it easy to divorce you.
Waywards are manipulators.

She is going to try to make you agree that the marriage can't be fixed. So, expect her manipulations in that direction.

When she wants to go down the path of blaming you for the exposure -- remind her that THE AFFAIR is the underlying issue.
If there was no AFFAIR there wouldn't have been EXPOSURE.

Keep bringing it back to the affair.

When she wants to blame you for not fighting for her -- remind her that you are -- right here right now. You will do whatever it takes to restore your marriage.

When she says its too late -- tell her its NOT too late. You know how -- you've been studying and learning. There IS a way to fix it.

When she tries to say "you never xxxx" or "you always xxxx" --- tell her to forgive you. You know better now. That you will forgive her for the affair, and that you hope she can forgive you for xxxx.

Be strong. Make her respect you. Respect is KEY. Women do not love men they don't respect....

Lexxxy hit every point I wanted to make, exactly. Buckle yourself up against her storm of manipulation and anger outbust and stay calm. Basically, I would take Lexxxy's post as the bullet point list of what to do for the time being.

The best way to implement all the advices from this forum is first to have a proper perspective of who our spouses are. They are not healthy normal spouses, they are way-wards, and waywarding is a sickness that needs to be treated. What we need to do is to administer proper mediccation and emotionally step back.

By dong these things and stay calm, you are rising above her attacks. I hope you can also take care of yourself and your children and focus on finding some joy and peace for yourself.

Hang on there StillWaiting! I am hanging on myself also.

We'll make it! Following a sure plan based on MB principles, we will make it, with or without our wayward spouses. We will heal and become better people, just hope that we will make it WITH them!

Just wanted to post another text my WW sent me. You all have mentioned it doesn't pay to get inside the mind of a WS, but there has to be a reason she's throwing anger back at me. She filed for divorce, she should be ecstatic and going about this whole procedure in an amicable fashion, knowing this is what she wants.

So I post this with the intent of hearing back from people who's WW was at the same stage mine is and came maybe relate to what was driving their anger and where it led their WW.

I was doing taxes and had to ask her a question, so I texted her:

Me: "We're missing Form 1098-E from Great Lakes. It's the Student Loan Interest Statement for 2011. It would have come in mail from Great Lakes. Assuming you have it since I've seen no GL stuff here in long time."

WW: "Please forward from assuming..."

WW: "Oh I see it....considering you didn't pay it for X months...not much can be on it."

Me: "I need the dollar amount on the form from Box 1."

WW: "f**k you"

WW: "Why don't you check with my fb friends."

WW: "Or my brothers"

WW: "Ik ill check later...but really <SW>....you want something from me....it took you two hours to get back to me....you ignore me after sending damaging messages....really????"


Just to note, she sent me a text this morning:

WW: "Taxes?"

WW: "I have a right to know....answer me....."

2 hours later because I was busy at work:

Me: "<WW>, calm down, I am at work and have thing to attend to you know. I am working on taxes."

WW: "I was just wondering...."

So she was mad at me because it took me two hours to get back to her this morning, yet tonight I just asked for a dollar amount and I get flamed. The messages she's referring to are my FB exposure I'm sure.

She could just reply back nice, but for some reason, she's really getting ticked off about stuff. She's either mad because now she actually has to be responsible now that lawyers are involved, or may there's trouble with OM. I mean it's been over 2 weeks since FB exposure and she's still fuming about it!

Not sure why she would slam me and swear at me when I didn't even provoke her. She should know full well that I'm going to be giving these texts to my lawyer.

I can't help but ponder that something's not right on fantasy island.

Don't ponder.
Just know that she is riled about something and you are easy to snap at.

I know. Was thinking I might get feed back like if there's a post-exposure phase or stage she's in. Or things I need to keep an eye open for.

Nope. She's wayward, so these exchanges aren't unusual at all. What you don't do is get into anything with her. Don't take the bait, EVER. Is there any other way that you could have found out the information without having to ask her for it? Don't contact her unless it is the absolute last resort.

Are you in Plan A?

I want to be in Plan A, but don't see how I can do anything. If I don't engage (which I haven't), then she probably thinks I'm just pissed off at her and don't care. That's the confusing part, I really don't know if she has even a shred of care left for me.

If she gave me at least a glimpse that she wants to talk about something rationally, then I could Plan A. But right now I don't know what to do. There's this tight contention now between us and I don't want to budge and show a sign that I'm weak and will beg for her to come back. I want her back, but I refuse to beg for it. And on her side, how knows?

It's just a vicious little cycle that I don't think is doing anything but keeping me going down the D path right now. Don't know what I should do to try and change that path.

My SIL said she received a text from WW saying that WW saw a plow truck and it made her think of her brother (he plows snow) and that she misses them. My SIL told me that they're still pissed at her and are not ready to give any forgiveness. But my wife did reach out to them saying she missed them.

Then this morning, I received a text from my W, this was in regards to the nasty texts she sent me last night (the one posted above):

WW: "Sorry I got attitudey on you last night....I ran into <distant friend of ours> n he was asking about your fb message that you sent...kinda tired of it...anyway I will look for the student loan form."

So the FB exposure is still having a ripple affect on her.

See for example, I need to send an email to WW stating to her what her portion of the bills (expenses we share with kids that I pay, then she pays me) she owes me for February. Well, after her sending me those text last night and just her attitude in general, she's going to automatically think that all I'm doing is texting her with stuff that I need. I'm being the bully and asking her for stuff. But I have no choice but to ask her for this. Gotta pay the bills.

SW,
You're in such a lousy position. I am sorry that after 26 years together that your wife shows no regret and is being so nasty.

I am trying to put myself in her mind (since I'm a FWW). The fact that she apologized to you is GOOD! That shows a tiny bit of defogging on her part.

So, yes, she's still angry with you about exposure because she's still dealing with the consequences. Does she not see that she will be dealing with these consequences of her affair for the rest of her life?

I have a feeling things might slowly be going sour with her POSOM. Didn't he just get divorced? He's not going to want to deal with all her crap. He'll get tired of it.

I wish I could tell you how to proceed. It almost sounds like you need to go into Plan B and do everything through a mediator especially if she is going to continue to verbally accost you.

WW's that are that far gone need to be slapped with reality. Maybe plan B would do it.

I honestly don't know since I'm not a vet.
Sorry I couldn't be more help.
CT

CT, thanks for your feedback, it helps a great deal. Yeah, you'd think that she'd have some shred of common sense. Who knows. I'm actually kind of chuckling to myself about this right now because it's so unbelievable.

I don't know exactly when POSOM's divorce was final (I know when they filed, but not when it was actually completed), but I'm guesstimating that within 6 months of him being divorced, he met my wife.

So technically both he and my W are in a rebound relationship.

If I try and put myself in his shoes (not as a cheater), I would not get seriously involved with ANY woman for at least a year or more after the divorce. Especially if my wife had cheated on me, which is what I understand his story is. I would be hurt and preserving my feelings.

With that said, if I was corrupt enough to be with a married woman so soon after divorce, it would be for one thing only: SF. Well, and maybe companionship. But nothing else. No way would I want to be serious about anyone. He just got burned in a long marriage, why jump back in and get serious with any woman? I guarantee any guy on this forum is thinking the same thing.

So my thought is he's looking at my wife as someone who's about to sacrifice everything and will demand that he commit to her and her only. Personally, if I were in his shoes, I'd be running for the hills!

SW,
Have you been following rtschida's thread? It might help you.

His wife's POSOM just sent him an email saying he's done with him and his wife!! Exposure killed that affair.
CT

Everyone, I've come to realize I need advice on how to proceed now that my WW has filed for divorce. How do I effectively Plan A? Are there other people's threads who have had their WS file after exposure and yet still had success?

I know that I feel good when I have limited contact with my wife, but I still have love for her and want to save my marriage. I feel that if I limit contact with her, then she feels I don't care. Maybe the reality is she doesn't care, but I don't feel that's the case, otherwise she wouldn't try to get under my skin by throwing anger back at me. She would instead be indifferent and not feel the need to lash back.

Any additional exposure at this point I feel would just show to her that I'm being vengeful and other people would take it as being obsessive to 'destroy' her. She is still feeling the impact of the last exposure, as recent as last night I found out.

I want to proceed such that I have the best chance to show her that I still love her and want to reconcile and rebuild our marriage. However, from past advice from people here, I also want to be strong and make her respect me. Throughout this to the very end, whichever way that may be, I want her to see me as a man and husband she can respect, and that I am strong and confident in my decisions.

One thing I did a lot of through our marriage was to make sure I didn't offend her - in the sense that I would do things that would make her happy and sacrifice my happiness. But it didn't matter to me, I felt good when I made her happy. While I wasn't a wimp, I wonder if she didn't see me always pleasing her as a weakness, one that she could use to control me? Throughout this whole ordeal, I would back down if she threw fogbabble at me. Only when I posted on this site at the end of January did I begin to grow a set and stand up more.

So part of being strong and demanding respect from her is not taking any more of her *crap*, which in turn will show that she can no longer control me. And maybe, just maybe, this will be a positive characteristic of me that she will find attractive. I realize now that I should have asked for more throughout our marriage (taker) instead of always being a giver.

I want to show her on one hand that I'm no longer putting up with her disrespect and I'm fine with moving on, but on the other hand I want to be a safe place for her to land (if she gets to that point before D is final) and that I still have love for her and want to rebuild our marriage.

I also want to note that while it's entirely possible that my wife may have been waiting till after DS's 18th birthday to file (possibly planning this before I exposed), the fact that she filed 3 days after exposure and totally disregarded our son's birthday only days away, indicates to me that she filed out of pure spite and revenge for my exposure, and as a response to people when they now question her A.

So as my thread title says, how do I proceed? I have a WW who is angry at me for exposing, for talking to her brothers and as such has filed for D.

Who else would you expose to?

Doesn't matter if your WW filed for a D because of your exposure, or because the sky's blue, it doesn't change YOU plans. You still Plan A up until the moment you enter Plan B or recovery. I often recommend people to Plan B even if they themselves are in Plan D simply because of the peace you get from it.

What are your WW's top 5 ENs? How can you meet any of them today?

Still,

I know it seems like her anger will stick around forever ... it will soften with time.

My WH was raging mad at me for five months. When I say raging ... I mean raging ... he hated me, wish I would die ... called me a thousand names ... threatened to disappear ...

He is still mad at me today, hence his divorce. Before I went into Plan B he continuously reiterated to me ...

"I was so happy"
"Did you think exposure would make me come back?"
"I had the best six months of my life."
"Whore was to me my next wife."
"Why can't you tell whore the kids will love her."

... on and on and on ... this whore really did a number on my WH.

Today he tries to still cake eat ... he is back trying to break communication and Plan B ... He wants us to be friends and he wants me to support him in destroying my children's lives.

The anger does pass ... I promise with time ... they will soften their stance ... it is exhausting to carry around that much anger.

Her adultery will need to die naturally. I reckon your exposure was a huge blow.

I still encourage you to send a couple nasty lawyer letters to OM and his business ...

When the adultery dies their life changes ... they forget why there were originally mad.

Maybe it is time for a Plan B letter? The plan B letter would show her that you do still love her and want to reconcile the marriage but it will also list the requirements that she needs to do to make it possible. There are examples in the notable posts forum, I believe. This way you can convey everything you want her to know and do and then continue with the no contact that is giving you peace.
After that, the ball is in her court and you'll know you did everything you could.

I think you need to plan for going to plan B just so that it is set up in an organized way and you could go to it should you ever find it is something you feel you need to do.

Meanwhile, be yourself. Your best self. Don't try to be someone you think she would respect just to win her back. That would be, again, trying to figure out what does not 'offend' her in a man. Stop that approach.

Be authentically you. Attractively you, but authentically you.

Your lawyer will be able to do a lot of the 'stick' of plan A for you legally.

If your WW tries to discuss the divorce, refer her to have her lawyer talk to yours. That is what they are for (make them do their work).

I love that you are aware that limited contact is making you feel less upset, that shows self awareness! When you do have contact, do it well though. No lovebusting. No fueling her hostility. Let her just express her angst and know that she IS in a painful situation that she has created that is very sadly something SHE has to feel. The brunt of her secret being exposed/lanced/revealed to other humans.

Do not apologize for it or speak much about it but let her rail against her self made situation how ever long she will do so.

Just looking to vent. Not in anger, just tired. Have a lot of stuff on my mind. A lot of stuff to do. Only getting busier. Trying to run a family solo. You guys know, you've been there.

Long story short, WW is getting angry with me because I'm not replying back to some of her text messages. They are for the most part messages that don't require a reply in my opinion. She feels I need to at least reply back to say I got her message.

She got so miffed that I wasn't getting back to here evidently, that she texted me this this afternoon:

WW: "You can lock me out of the home I own....which is illegal...but you can't keep me from my kids...keep this up <SW>....your doing a good job....control if another person us a bad thing. Don't forget you had the affair first....can't ever ever forget that pain...."

WW: "I need all our financial info....including ur pension"

WW: "I'm trying to communicate with you....typical of our marriage..."

WW: " U wont answer me....nice!"

This is why I don't want to answer her back. It will just turn into a texting war. For the house, all I did was change the garage wireless remote cause a lot of people know it. So I didn't lock her out. The locks haven't changed. I'm not keeping her from her kids, don't know where she's getting that from. DD stayed at her place all last weekend. I'm not controlling her. Heck, she doesn't even live at home. My BILs all agree that I never controlled her, always let her do what she wanted. And look what that got me!!!

Interesting she digs up the A I had 19 years ago. That's fine, I deserve it, but don't go crying that it's causing you pain to this day. If it was so painful, then she should have divorced me years ago instead of having a family together. The communication remark is amazing. Yes, we probably should have a little better communication in our marriage, like any other couple, but to say say that I never communicated is just plain wrong.

Wow, I guess this turned into more venting than I thought.

The thing that amazes me and others is why she even chooses to vent to me? Knowing that she's getting what she wants, a D, why is she not being nice to me in order to make things go smooth and ensure that I will communicate with her? If you're yelling at me, I'm not going to talk to you. I would think she'd want to be nice and 'sweet' towards me to get through the D. Instead she flames me. I did get back to her on something the other night and she thanked me.

I don't get it. Be nice, make it smooth, and move on. Instead she chooses to yell at me. If I didn't know better I would say she's cranky pissed that she filed for D. If I was in her shoes, I would be whistling and happy as could be, not wanting to rock the boat and get through the D peacefully.

I don't want the D and she knows it. If anything, she should be happy and I should be pissed, yelling at her. But it's the complete opposite. She yells at me and I just either give her short cordial replies, or I don't reply at all if I feel it's unnecessary. And she gets irate.

Someone on this forum must have been in the same situation as me. Where the BS was cool and calm and the WS was irate and pissed after they were exposed and had filed. Someone must have an inkling of why.

She even texted my BIL today out of the blue (after texting me that flame) and said "Wow, when did you get so mean and bitter". He didn't even do anything. She apparently sent that because he hadn't replied back to her text to him from a week ago! He figured since I was ignoring her texts, that she texted him to pick a fight.

I swear my WW is losing it. She's going over the edge.

Does anyone know of any past threads/stories that are similar to mine? Specifically where the WS (preferably WW) files for divorce themselves? I would like to see how they (BS) handled it and what the outcome was.

Part of the beauty of these forums is the historical data they contain and the ability to gather useful information from them.

SW,
Keep venting. It's a good thing to get it out of your head.

Your wife HAS to make you into the bad guy in order to justify her actions. She is showing this repeatedly with you. Bringing up your past affair was hitting below the belt. You made good on that. She mentioned the pain of it, so she knows what kind of pain she is putting you through (but worse because she left). Yelling at you is her defense mechanism. It's her way of telling herself that she's done the right thing in leaving you. Remember that WW's rewrite history. Some of them never come to realize that that's what they were doing. My ex-friend was horrible to her ex-husband when she was in her EA (now she is in an unhappy affairage). The poor guy had a heart attack and she said the only reason she cared that he didn't die was for her kids sake. She said she could care less if he had died. How cold and heartless. But I know she did it to convince herself that her marriage had been truly awful (when it was fine until she met OM).

Keep in touch with RT. His story is very similar to yours. You both seem to be at the same stage with your wives.

I am sorry for what you're going through.
CT