I'm not trying to debate. I'm trying to understand.

It doesn't sound like the advice of professional counselors, though, so maybe you're right. I shouldn't be here.

I'll stick with my marriage counselor & trust in God.

BrokenIn2,

Why would I bring shame on my wife

Actually it usually works the other way the betrayed spouse, BS, is ashamed when they did NOTHING WRONG! Also the BS works at keeping a secret of the crime that's been committed against them. You have no obligation to lie just because your WS is a liar.

Often too the WS is not ashamed because they believe they are having the time of their life with their new and exciting perfect partner.

You really need to understand that your WW is addicted to the OM in a very real sense that drug addicts are addicted.

God Bless
Gamma

So your counselor knows more about saving a marriage from infidelity than Dr. H, who has written numerous books, devoted his career, and runs this website and a radio program with verifiable results? Have you looked at his credentials?

How many marriages has your counselor saved from infidelity?

Where has his advice gotten you?

Your remark about God is offensive to the many believers here (Dr. H included.)

There is a plan here. You would be wise to follow it, whether your marriage survives or not. There is no guarantee it will. But you will be better for it, I guarantee.

On you current path, it is almost assuredly going to fail. Either with divorce or a future that looks a lot like the present.

You speak of advice from your pastor. If your wife is a believer, then why not follow Matthew 18:15-17?

I will re-iterate:

If you do nothing, you are doomed.

The only hope you have is complete and utter destroying of the affair.

Complete and utter.

It is not for the faint of heart. Your wife will be furious, say everything in the book.

If you look back over the threads here, you can write down every word she will say, it is so predictable.

But, if the affair is destroyed, you have a chance.

If the affair is not destroyed, no chance. I don't mean on hiatus, underground, an understanding is reached. I mean destroyed.

That's just the facts. Ignore them at your own peril.

Like I asked before, what do you want? A chance, however small and difficult, or no chance.

Sadly, that is the choice you have.

Your counselor has told you to pretend everything is great

You think telling the truth and fighting adultery is somehow shameful

Not only is this stance not 'professional' its not even common sense.

She is carrying on an affair under your nose. Using your home internet. And you are saying OK?

I wouldn't want my husband to have that level of nonchalance.

WWs are crazy people but they are quick to jump on any signs that you are casual or uncaring.

How many 'I love you but not in love with you's have you heard?

How many times has she told you you are better off as friends?

If you are OK with that sort of treatment then great, but you are on the wrong site if so.

This site builds marriages not abusive situations

Read this so I don't have to re-type it.

Earlier post by mmmherb

Exposure is your only chance.

Trusting in God is offensive to you??

The fact that it implies that others don't is.

Trusting in God is all well and good until you use it as an excuse to DO NOTHING.

Defensiveness in reaction to tough advice that will help will make you feel momentarily better about the softsoap plan recommended by your counsellor

But it won't help your mmarriage one bit.

I for one cannot think why God would help or support complacency and denial but I don't have the inside track on his plans.

I was taught to believe that God helps those who help themselves

You read me wrong herb. I didn't mean that at all.

And I'm not doing nothing karma. I'm trusting our counselor to tell my wife how wrong she is, and trusting her when she tells me to act loving towards my wife. How can anyone force their spouse to cut off communication?

So tell me what to do from here then. And tell me what qualifies anyone on this site to give advice. I thought I was writing to professional counselors from MB. Don't take that negatively, I'm just asking.

Thanks.

Most on here are well acquainted with Dr. Harley's advice. Many a lot more so than I am. And, be assured, any advice that is not in line will be quickly dealt with.

So, in a real sense, you sre getting the same advice Dr. Harley would give.

And, you can't force her to do anything. But you can make her actions become very uncomfortable for her and you can lay out the consequences of her continued actions. But she will to what she wants, you have that correct.

And there have to be real consequences.

But, first things first. Put pressure on the affair.

And, read the articles on this site. That is crucial.

The more counter-intuitive, the more you should pay attention.

Broken, let me share with you my story in hopes that you understand what everyone is telling you...

I, too, am a devout Christian (actually an ordained minister) who struggled with the advise here. I do believe and trust that God has a plan no matter whether we know it or not. I believe that he can turn things around if he chooses but you can't discount the fact that he uses people to carry out his plan.

Everyone agreed that I should fight for my marriage when I discovered my ww's infidelity but no one wanted to help. My pastor, instead if encouraging me to fight, simply said let her go and if she comes back, she comes back. If she doesn't, she doesn't. I didn't want to just do nothing.

Matthew 18:15-17 tells us how to deal with a believer who sins against you. First, it says to confront the individual privately. I did and she wouldn't stop. Then it says to take witnesses which means exposing the offense first. I did and she still wouldn't stop. Lastly, it says to call them before the church. My pastor refused because he said it wasn't the right way to handle it.

My ww was allowed to keep her position within the church because the Pastor didn't feel it was good to strip it away from her. She eventually resigned from the position and left the church. And guess what, she was never held accountable by those who should have done so. She is still wayward and we are now divorced.

God can do anything. I know and believe this. But you must understand you also have to do your part. Also understand others, like your pastor, may have never dealt with infidelity and may not give you the best advise when it comes to fighting it.

What qualifies people on here is that they have recovered their marriage even when it was on the brink of divorce. People who believe in the research and values of MB spend days and years reading and studying the principals that have helped them to go from the worst situation they could ever find themselves in ( being cheated on and their family torn apart) to having the best marriage they never thought possible.

People volunteer their time to help others and you will not get any advice a part from the MB advice here the forum members don't need official qualifications to know how to save a marriage when they successfully saved their own.

Dr Harley is very respected here and his theory on how to end and affair and recover from infidelity has literally helped thousands of people.

If you want his advice directly you can call him up on his radio show or book a session with his son Steve Harley ( another fully qualified councellors) via thcoaching centre but I guarantee that you will not hear anything different from what you have already been told.

Just out of curiosity. How many marriages has your councellor saved ( you keep avoiding this question) and how many affairs has your councellor removed from personally.

Before you come here snubbing the good volunteers that want nothing from you a part from help you through your difficult time and help you avoid further pain I would suggest you look more in depth at where is the help you have gotten so far outside the forum has got you.

You already have a near impossible task ahead of you due to how your marriage started your now damaging your chances even further by wasting your time questioning our qualifications when you should get on with actively saving Your marriage.

I agree with indie God helps those who help themselves unless they are totally incapable of doing so. In your case you can help yourself so my suggestion get on with doing so and pray for guidance and support from God along the way.

Good luck to you.

Why did you think you were speaking to MB counsellors? The site makes it very clear where the counselling centre is and where the forum is.

Infact the whole reason you bring it up is to say- be quiet! That's too hard! My counsellor has already given me much easier tasks that don't involve rocking the boat! You aren't a real counsellor so there! The fact I am here because my counsellors advice is not working... Well that's my business.

I don't believe you.

And we can't help people who are dishonest on the boards.

Try the counselling center and try to be more honest when you do.

But frankly I think you are looking for a quick fix.

The advice we are giving you is not from some crapwit counselor, but from a licensed clinical psychologist and leading expert on infidelity. Your "counselor" has no idea what she is doing and even less of an idea how to save your marriage.

She is giving you dreadful, marriage wrecking advice and that will lead to divorce. She is not qualified at what she is doing. Here is what Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders says about exposure:





Dr Harley tells a betrayed husband he is an "enabler" for not exposing his wife's affair: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2815

And the Bible: Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.Ephesians 5:11

We cannot help you if you are committed to aide and abet your wife's affair. Nothing you do can overcome the bad advice from some fool of a counselor who tells you to ENABLE your wife's affair.

No one here is "qualified" to be a counselor, that is WHY the advice we give you is straight from Dr Bill Harley, licensed clinical psychologist with 40 years experience. Here are his qualifications:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi2000_meet.html

Now, please post your "counselors" qualifications.

Dr. Harley specializes in infidelity and has written the popular book, Surviving an Affair. [below] Additionally, he has a daily radio show where he answers calls and emails about how to resolve marriage problems. You can access his radio show here.


Surviving An Affair here
Infidelity is common, occurring in over half of all marriages. And yet, it is one of life's most painful experiences for everyone involved--the betrayed spouse, the children, the extended family members, and even the lover and wayward spouse. With all that sadness, why do people have affairs? And once that trust is broken, how can a couple reconcile?

In Surviving an Affair, Drs. Harley and Chalmers describe the most common types of affairs, the reasons they begin and end, the best way to end them, and the best way to restore marriage after an affair. But most importantly, they help readers survive the entire ordeal by providing them with step-by-step guidance that minimizes suffering and offers hope for a loving and trusting marital relationship. (Hardcover - 192 pages)