The very fact that this thread exists is sad...I would never let my WW drive me out of the house, or the bed...at least not willingly. She's the one with the problem. As such, she is the one sleeping on the sofa (her decision). I know I ain't perfect, but some of you men out there need to grow a pair.

If my wife ordered me out of the house, I'd probably laugh in her face and tell her "good luck with that" and then contact my lawyer. Sorry, but I didn't chose to violate my vows, the word of God, and to bring this destruction down onto my family...she did. If she wants to live without me around, she's free to move out. Just like she was free to go sleep on the couch.

So any other men out there that have been betrayed, I say again, grow a pair and protect your family!

Great discussion! Here is my opinion on the subject:

Since most men I've counseled are more emotionally and physically resilient than women to the extreme stress that being the victim of an affair creates, I encourage men to fight for their marriage much longer than I would encourage women. What that means is that they are to try to remain in Plan A as long as possible, avoiding Love Busters, and doing what they can to meet her emotional needs. They do that while still living together.

If the husband gets to a point where he cannot take the stress any longer, and must go into plan B, I encourage him to leave the home rather than kicking her out. This strategy is designed to demonstrate his care for her even under the adverse conditions of her betrayal. Since most affairs die a natural death soon after exposure, when she decides to give her marriage a chance to succeed, she remembers his thoughtfulness at a time that he could have been vengeful.

Granted, everything in a husband would encourage him to do the opposite. He wants to punish her for what she did, and let her stew in her own juices. But upon returning, which commonly happens even when a husband acts with vengeance (affairs almost always die a natural death even when the husband acts like a jerk), she will remember the vengeful acts far into the future, making a full recovery much more difficult.

When an unfaithful wife tells a husband to leave, I encourage him to stay as long as he can tolerate the stress. If she decides to leave on her own, I encourage him to let her go. The issue at hand is about kicking her out versus not kicking her out and I strongly recommend not kicking her out.

There are successful accounts of marriages recovering after a husband kicks his wife out, but my opinion is that it is a very risky move. The affair must go so badly that she returns home because she has no other choice. In most marriages, however, women do have choices. When the affair is over, is she drawn to the husband who cared enough about her to let her stay in her own home, or the husband who threw her out on the street? The idea that by letting her stay in the home he is not acting like a man, and she will disrespect him for it, may be true for some women. But the majority would see it as an act of kindness, something they need in their marriage to a man.

I'd be happy to discuss this issue further with anyone who writes me at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

An additional comment: When children are involved, a husband should consult with an attorney before he leaves to avoid the impression that he's abandoning the children. A legal visitation schedule should be arranged before he leaves. But if he feels that leaving the children would subject them to abuse or other forms of hardship, he should try to gain custody. If that's not possible, I would advise him to stick it out a while longer, all the while being in contact with a therapist who can help him with the depression he will be experiencing. Antidepressant medication would certainly be in order.

Dr. Harley