My wife and I separated and within a few weeks were in intimate, rebound relationships. We have since taken steps to end those relationships and are now considering reconciliation with each other. We both agree that contact with the other relationships needs to be eliminated. My wife developed a friendship with the other man�s sister before she met the other man and does not want to end that friendship. I am not currently willing to accept that relationship. Questions? Thoughts?

Can't recover the marriage without NC.

There won't be NC with WW and OMS still being friends.

She should respect your wishes. Friends are subject to the POJA.

The issue is that OM's Sis would be possible line of contact. She's also a trigger for you.

So for her it's this; your marriage, or her friendship.

Those improper relationships are either ended, or they're not ended. It's one or the other. None of this "have taken steps" stuff. If there's contact, then they're not ended.

Nope. No way. This will stand as a "trigger" that will poison your relationship with your wife. It is a bad idea 100% of the time. There is no work-around. If she isn't willing to go all-in on your marriage, then spare yourself the trouble of a doomed attempt at reconciliation. (Remember the wedding-vow line "...forsaking all others..."? There's a reason for it.)

Thanks for your input. I think it�s accurate to say I�m currently more willing to �forsake all others� than my wife is. She has a tendency to react to stress by asserting independence and freedom of action and she has acknowledged that. She also has an experience of me as controlling. Though our experiences were different, I have acknowledged that my actions in the marriage could have come across that way and that perception is reality and I�m committed to changing my behaviours. I think my wife views ending her friendship with the other man�s sister as an act of control on my part. Two questions:
1. How can I reframe the issue for my wife using POJA?
2. As a new user, where can I find a list of acronyms that are commonly used in these discussion forums?

Under notable posts

No. NC is non-negotiable. You can't have 'sorta kinda' contact, and that includes OM's sister. If I were you, I would present this to her as a deal-breaker.

Don't demand, but simply tell her how much this relationship hurts you. If she plays the control card, remind her you do not have the power to control her, you are simply asking her to not do something that hurts you.

Women with independent behavior love to play the "control" card to get their way; you just have to appeal to her sense of empathy rather than compete with her. When she plays that card tell her you don't have the power to control her and would never want to do that.

p.s. you really need to start using this program in its entirety if you want to recover your marriage. Most marriages stay crippled after an affair because they have no plan. It sounds like there is no plan here so you are facing years of resentment and possibly repeat affairs.

Thank. First, what is �NC�? I could not find that in the acronyms thread.

I�ve thought about whether it would be possible to set boundaries around my wife�s friendship with OM�s sister (e.g., they only meet in a space where OM would not �pop by�; they do not discuss OM, not even in passing; if OM comes up or drops by, my wife leaves). I�m not comfortable with any of these options; however, I�m trying to consider options that could meet both of our �needs� (I use the term �needs� loosely here). This is exploratory to see if anyone else has had to deal with a similar issue. I still think that contact with OM�s sister, regardless of the boundaries and regardless of whether I trust my wife would be faithful to me, is too risky.

My wife is also trying to argue that, because we were technically separated at the time of the other relationships, it�s different than a secret affair and the boundaries need not be as tight. I really disagree. Confirming and challenging thoughts are equally appreciated.

I agree with needing to use this, or some program. Unfortunately, I am more committed to this while my wife is still sitting on the fence. I am trying to be inviting without being demanding.

Jry,

Did you expose your WWs affair with OM? Because in spite of the fact that your both cheated OM had an affair with a married woman. One affair does not cancel the other it only doubles the misery. You need to make a strong statement with OMs circle of people that you do not tolerate their culture of enablement.

Your WW also needs to decide that you are more important than OMs sister.

Your WWs friendship with OMs sister is just another affair trophy and like a teddy bear OM won for your WW at a ring toss needs to be thrown out.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma, to answer your question, I didn�t expose my wife�s affair; my wife told me about it and I told my wife about my infidelity. I agree that two affairs don�t cancel each other and I also don�t distinguish between the occurrences happening under the pretense of �separation�. My wife told me she has never discussed the nature of her infidelity with OM�s sister. I don�t know OM or his sister, though I�ve met them both.

This is not an easy process and I fear that taking a strong stance will push my wife away. It�s quite the balancing act. It�s not an easy process. Thanks or your words.

OMW exposed and that should solve the OM sister as a friend problem.

Though the real reason to expose OMW is so that the affair stays dead by having the OMW keeping an eye on the OM.

So even though the affair has ended the need for exposure still exists.

Jry,

Does OM have a wife it's not clear from your posts?

In any event you need to calmly speak with OM sister and tell her why she can no longer be friends with your WW. Does the sister look like OM?

Sorry but just like it takes a village to raise a child, an affair razes a village. Denial is never a good way to recover from an affair.

God Bless
Gamma

The other man does not have a wife. Speaking with his sister would most certainly upset my wife. She already thinks I'm controlling. My wife insists that her relationship with the other man�s sister is completely separate from her affair. I am pretty entrenched in my position that the friendship makes me uncomfortable. My wife says she would never ask me to give up a friendship with someone even if she associates them with the other woman I was with. As an example, the other woman I was with met my brother and sister-in-law. They are no longer connected. My wife was very close with my brother and sister-in-law and is upset about how that relationship has deteriorated. I am committed to helping mend that relationship.

The affairs are dead. I want to reduce reminders of them. I�ve offered to move to a new house if my wife cannot feel comfortable in our house anymore. I know you can�t control chance encounters but I want to set boundaries to eliminate reminders. My wife�s friendship with the other man�s sister is too closely connected. I did not know his sister to be a friend to my wife. I have no interest in getting to know her.

"The other man does not have a wife."


So you still can expose the OM parents.


"Speaking with his sister would most certainly upset my wife."


Because WW knows that truth kills affairs. There is a festering wound in your marraige and your WW won't let you pour antiseptic/exposure on the affair.


"She already thinks I'm controlling. My wife insists that her relationship with the other man’s sister is completely separate from her affair."


Standard WW line to play the controlling strategy line with the goal to control you. The sister can never be separate from the affair because the OM will always be around her.

OMS has a birthday party(one of many social events for exapmle), is OMS going to invite Uncle? Or will OMS tell OM he can't come? Or is OMS going to invite all and just let things work themselves out? See the follie of allowing OMS and WW to have contact.


"I am pretty entrenched in my position that the friendship makes me uncomfortable. My wife says she would never ask me to give up a friendship with someone even if she associates them with the other woman I was with. As an example, the other woman I was with met my brother and sister-in-law. They are no longer connected. My wife was very close with my brother and sister-in-law and is upset about how that relationship has deteriorated. I am committed to helping mend that relationship."


How did your WW meet OM through OMS?

How did you meet OW throught your B/SIL?

Did your B/SIL aid the PA in anyway?

Has your B/SIL cut OW out of their lives as well?


"My wifes friendship with the other mans sister is too closely connected. I did not know his sister to be a friend to my wife. I have no interest in getting to know her."


Never knowing about this friend is a red flag. Is this "friend" nothing more then a messenger for the AP's?

I have been trickle truthed for over thirty years. It took my wife about 24 years to realise and admit that she could see how I could never accept her friend since ninth grade or her husband in any social setting because they gave birth to WW and OM relationship.

Hi jry,

Welcome to MB

Are you willing to share what led to the initial seperation?

I'm also curious how long you've been married and if this is your first marriages? Do you have children?

Again, welcome!

Hi Jry. Welcome.

If your wife insists on maintaining this "friendship" that you never knew about AND are not comfortable with, whatever her reasons may be, she is hanging onto possibility of contact with OM or updates about OM or status of peripheral part of OM's life. This can impede your long-term recovery.

You are her most important and intimate friendship, and your boundaries about other friends must be respected.