I would explain to her that this is not good for your daughter. It is not in her best interest, your best interest and especially your wife's to not tell her. You need to revisit this. Kids become confused in these situations and often conclude they are the source of the problem unless they are told the truth.

It makes me feel good to see that you might be serious about saving your marriage. We will be your most ardent supporter if you do the right thing, I promise you that. We really do want your marriage to make it.

Yes I will offer it to her.....
But as I said... she will probably not want to know.
I actually asked her what she wanted to know in the past...
And she has always said she did not want to know anything.

But never hurts to offer it to her.

Even as far as the who.... she has always held to the fact that she did not want to know... and not to tell her.
( that is her talking.... not me just saying it )
But yes...if she asked... I believe I am at the point that I would not hold back.

I think it will be a tough conversation.... but I know a necessary one no matter what the end result is.
We have to have some relief from all this.... and some peace.

I agree on the kido advice.
And the last time we did reassure her that it was not her fault.
Even when I moved out... and came to get her to take her to go eat.... she asked me "daddy am I the reason you left"
I explained to her that no she was not....
I really wanted to tell her some details.... but my wife had asked me not to.
So I respected that....
I am almost certain that will be the case this time....
We have both done a good job of portraying to her that everything is ok to protect her.....
And we are both in agreement that if we work this out...then there will be no need for her to know.

As I said... we will not be talking until later tonight.
And then tomorrow as well.
So it will be Monday before I can get back here to let you all know how it is going.

but who knows.... when I mention this site to her.... she may want to get on and look around.
I will not force her to do something she doesn't want to as far as the site goes.
I think I have forced her to live with enough the past few years.
Enough of what she knows....and what she doesnt know.

She has to be told the full truth, including the full truth of the OW. I don't CARE if she doesn't ask or doesnt' want to know. You need to tell her the full truth and paint her a complete picture, no matter how hurtful you think it may be. Don't withhold any information with the excuse that she doesn't want to know. She NEEDS to know.

If she knows the ID of the OW she can help you end your affair. Dont' even think of not telling her that.

Give her a rough outline, tell her when and where you met, if you slept together, EVERYTHING. Hold nothing back.

I know it will be tough, but I want to caution about something that will be a huge mistake. DON'T withhold any facts because you want to make it easier. The reason is because that little detail will eventually come out and when it does, it will be like starting over for her.

You need to do a FULL DOCUMENT DUMP now and get this all out so you can move on. Keeping these secrets is a big part of why your marriage has never healed. It has been a poison to your marriage because your wife didn't know enough about the threat to take steps to stop it.

Ace you do realise that when people do not finish sentences..........

.....it is because they dont want to?

Why are you here if not to be honest?

There is no reason not to tell her the truth. Illusions do not "protect" children or make them feel secure. When a kid does not know the truth, they conclude they are the problem. And when you don't give them FACTS to the contrary they hold the belief. There is absolutely no valid reason to not tell her and many good reasons to tell her.

Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies.

Contact your cell phone provider and ask about switching cell phone numbers immediately.....

Delete any and all personal email accounts OW knows about and change your work email address that OW knows about by sending a notice to everyone at work about the new address EXCEPT the OW.

OW gets a no contact letter that we can help you prepare tomorrow AFTER you tell your wife tonight.

ohh...OW is OWED the courtesy of a nice goodbye or "closure" contact (whereby you have just one last meeting or discussion). She's a big girl...she knew what she was doing and she'll understand. In fact...if you're a jerk about it maybe she'll quit and move real soon relieving you of the necessary job change.



Your wife doesn't seem to want to hold you accountable. She's burying her head in the sand and hoping it just goes away. You actually need her help. Beg her to monitor you and keep track of you. Maybe have her come to the office and have lunch with you everyday or in the alternative eat in your office while skyping her at home. If she wants your marriage to work she needs to step up and HELP you break your addiction to this very immature, hurtful and destructive relationship. It's not her responsibility to help you....but TOGETHER you can achieve so much more.

btw...this relationship is very unhealthy for OW too. You say you care about her too so why the heck should she be hanging around a man like you??? If you were OW's daddy wouldn't you like to see her with someone besides some self-important douchbag that's willing to cheat on his wife and family???? No offense...but you must be able to look in the mirror and not be really impressed with what you're seeing there. Happiness and contentment is actually found in doing the right thing and you showed up here so it's got to be something you're seeking. You'll become a decent respectable person again when you BEHAVE like one.

The courage is in the doing.

Mr. Wondering

TELL YOUR WIFE WHO OW IS.

ANY secrets kept between you and OW keep you in your affair, and keep you stuck.

You need to tell your daughter the TRUTH. You need to show her what a real man is. How a real man behaves.

Your wife has been doing things the way she thought would be best. It is quite embarrassing to have your husband have an affair repeatedly. I can understand how she would want to protect herself from that, but she needs the support. More importantly, YOU need to be held accountable for what you have done.

We most definitely will be your biggest supporters, when you do the right thing.

Not only do you need to tell the truth to your wife and your child, you should be going into your bosses office on Monday morning and tell him/her what you have done. Let the consequences fall on you. You need that to become the man who is worthy to stay married to your wife.

Did you not make VOWS, before GOD to NOT commit adultery? If that didn't stop you, you need help from others, who will support you in doing the right thing.

Yes I understand and I will doeverything I see that is needed.
I will be as honest with her as I need to be.

The fact is that the last time when I was planning on telling her those details and I asked her more than once.
Her reply was "not tell me becuase if you do it will end me, and any chance I have of recovering from this, I would rather not know no matter what"
Her words exactly.

I will try again tonight. And I will push her to let me tell her. This time she may want to know.
But she is not that type of woman apparently.

Try again. There should be no after "the next few days". Contact needs to end now. The only other acceptable contact should be a no-contact letter written by you as prescribed by Dr. Harley, approved by your wife and then mailed by her.

Oh, and welcome to MB! We're tough but it's only because we really DO care about your marriage. The problems are glaring to us and hopefully some day soon you'll see it too. I feel for your wife. There is no way in hell my husband (former wayward) would even entertain the possibility of being around the OW at all and especially at work. He knows how devastating that would be to our marriage.

We've had some posters in the past who claim no contact is impossible for whatever reason, but I seriously question their claim to a "recovered" marriage. Its more likely that they have "settled". Who wants to live like that?

Do the right thing. You won't regret it.

You can see for yourself that this kind of thinking has not helped your marriage, so don't let that happen again. Not knowing has almost led to divorce and I don't think she wants that. It is up to YOU to tell her the full and complete truth. She cannot deal with the problem unless she knows. Sticking her head in the sand has about destroyed your marriage.

You need to rip the bandaid off the gangrene wound and let the sunlight in. That is the only way your marriage will heal.

Honesty is the solution, not more secrets and not more sweeping it under the rug. Don't let that happen again.

And if she upset, she can come here and we will help her through this.

PM, they work together. So he will be seeing the OW at work on Monday.

Here, I'll tell you how to start, "Dear WIFE(use her name here). My affair with OW(use her name here) hasn't ended. I found a website called Marriage Builders, and I believe that if we follow the plans we can recover from my continued adultery. I will understand if you do not want to remain married to me, and I will respect your decision."

You can go on from there about how you wish to tell your daughter, and other people, ie her family, your family, true friends and your workplace. Give her time to figure out what she wishes to do.

I will try again tonight. And I will push her to let me tell her. This time she may want to know. But she is not that type of woman apparently.

Ace, as gently as I can, let me point out to you that the "type of woman" that your wife is contributes to the relative ease with which you slip out of and back into the ongoing affair with POSOW.

When we say we would like her to join us here, telling her to toss you into the street is so far from our intent as to be laughable. We do have things that she should gain, that evidently she is lacking, in her understanding of how to maintain, protect, and improve (See: No "terminate"!) her marriage.

I hope you follow through tonight. I also hope you understand that your best friends in supporting your marital union are right here.

I understand all of what you are saying.
And as I said I will do what I need to.
Thanks

Good man. We will wait for your report.

Thanks

Ace,
It may seem that they are all being mean- but they really do care. I'm a WW, and when I first came here, I was literally almost crying because of how 'mean' I thought everyone was being. But it took a bunch of strangers on the internet to wake me up and realize that I did NOT want to be that kind of person any longer. (you can go back and read my posts...they make me cringe now)

They are being hard, but it's because they value marriage. You don't have to just take their word for it when they say they will support you, if you start making the right decisions- you can take my word for it. Because I was just like you, and they continue to help and support me. If my marriage survives, it will be b/c of MB and everyone here.

So listen to them...and expect to be called out when you're full of crap.